11

LETTER

I SAT CROSS-LEGGED on the stone floor, watching the ancient seer as he stretched out his legs, propping his back against the wall.

Despite his thin legs and arms, the posture made him look like a big kid, even in the sand-colored monk’s robe, a variation of which he’d worn since I’d met him. 

I had brought us tea. Well, more accurately, I had brought him tea, but I intended to drink some too, if only to be polite. I poured him a cup while he continued to stretch out his joints, glancing around the cell-like room he’d claimed as sleeping quarters. From the look in his eyes, I suspected he’d just woken up.

“And how are your discussions with Feigran progressing?” Vash said, smiling somewhat. “Anything interesting, Alyson?”

I looked up at the old seer, and smiled back in spite of myself.

He was one of those seers who seemed endlessly to be smiling. Unlike a lot of the New Age jokers I’d met in San Francisco as a human, with Vash it felt utterly real, and simple somehow...despite the fact that I knew he held most of the tribal knowledge and history in his brain like some kind of walking encyclopedia. 

In fact, I almost forgot sometimes, that Vash was one of the last, true adepts left in the seer world. He and Tarsi, between them, constituted the most highly skilled seers left alive...at least that I knew of. I supposed there could be others in China, somewhere, but if so, they weren’t poking up their heads where I could see them.

Vash represented the monk side of that. He’d been a religious leader most of his life, whereas I now knew that Tarsi had once led the Adhipan, as Balidor did now. The two of them represented the history of seer culture, at least of the last seven hundred years or so...and whatever they carried with them from generations before.

Looking at him, it occurred to me again that it would be a great loss to the entire seer community if anything were to happen to him.

His smile at me widened. 

“Thank you, Alyson.”

“There you go with the happy, again,” I said, smiling back. “Even when I’m thinking about your death...”

“Everything dies,” he said agreeably.

I shook my head, laughing a little.

And yet, despite my teasing, I happened to know he wasn’t cartoonishly happy. His son, Yerin, died six months earlier, in the bombing of Seertown, and I knew it still weighed on the old seer. I also highly suspected he was missing Tarsi about now, who may or may not have been his girlfriend...if a nine hundred year old ex-Adhipan leader could ever be called something that trivial, no matter what the context.

Vash chuckled a little. 

I found myself laughing with him that time.

Even collared, which meant I couldn’t reap the full benefit of sitting in his presence, I found something in my chest starting to loosen as I got comfortable on the floor next to him. 

“He’s crazy as a shit-house rat,” I said. “...Feigran.”

Pausing to contemplate that expression once it occurred to me the seer had likely never heard it, I smiled again. 

“That was one of my human father’s expressions,” I clarified, adding, “...I guess you might say, crazy as a Terian, but that would be sort of redundant in this case.”

Vash nodded, his expression serious. “I see. Well, what will you do with him in that case, Alyson?”

“He says he’s one of the four,” I said. “Is he?”

Vash looked at me for a long moment, his face smooth. Finally, he shrugged with one hand, seer-fashion.

“I honestly have no idea, Alyson. It is possible. His mind is very fractured, and you and Dehgoies are the only half of the four I have ever had the pleasure to meet formally...”

I felt myself tense. 

After another beat, I nodded, swallowing. 

“So this four thing...it’s real?”

“As real as any story can be, Bridge Alyson.”

“Meaning what?”

“Meaning that there is a story that matches your energetic imprints...which means that there is some relationship between it and you.”

I nodded, though I only partly got this. That was pretty normal with Vash, too.

“Revik wants him,” I remarked.

“Well, yes.” Vash gestured in affirmation, folding his hands between his knees as he leaned his back against the wall. “I imagine he does.”

“What for, do you think?” I said.

Vash took the tea cup I offered him, clicking softly with his tongue. “I have absolutely no idea, Alyson.”

I laughed again at this, in spite of myself. 

He was still smiling at me when I found myself blurting it out, the real reason I’d come to find him.

“Can you do it, Vash?” I said. “You and I...we haven’t even talked about it yet, and everyone acts like it’s a done deal.” Hesitating, I wrapped my own arms around my knees, weaving my fingers together between them. “...Before we talk about the whys and the shoulds...can it even be done?”

I didn’t have to tell him what I meant.

The seer grew very silent, and I could see from his eyes that he was seeking the answer to my question in the Barrier. I waited, taking another sip of tea while I watched him. A few seconds later, his eyes clicked back into focus, and turned to meet mine.

His expression did not change.

“I do not know,” he said. “...It is a highly unusual request, Bridge Alyson.” He paused. “I cannot recall ever having been asked to perform a severance on a mated pair before, not one that had gone through the bonding ritual.” He looked at me, his dark eyes shining. “...That is interesting, isn’t it? I am quite old. You’d think at least one pair would have—”

“But in theory—”

“In theory, all things are possible, yes,” Vash said. 

If he’d been anyone else, I might have thought he was messing with me, but since it was Vash, I just waited for him to elaborate. 

“...But also many possible things are made impossible by theories,” he added. “...as well as the reverse. So it is quite difficult to be precise based on that alone.” Glancing at me, he took a sip of the tea, adding, “What do you think, Bridge Alyson? Does it feel possible to you, to live without him?”

For a moment, I paused on his wording.

Then, exhaling a little shortly, I threw my hands up, letting my knees drop back to the ground. 

“No idea,” I said. “Revik said he wouldn’t let me. I don’t know if that means anything to you, or if it is just more words...”

Vash shook his head, seer fashion, his eyes puzzled.

“I cannot tell from your memory of his remark,” he said frankly. “He was very upset, Alyson...”

“Yeah.” I sighed. “Yeah, I know...look, Vash. You’ve got to see it’s necessary though, right? It’s at least necessary that we try. I can’t let him yank my chain around when he’s like this. I can’t stay collared forever, either. I can’t be in the middle of his war...and I can’t fight him or second-guess him when he knows where I am every second...”

Vash sighed, clicking softly.

“Yes,” he said. “All of these things are good reasons.” He looked at me then, his eyes serious once more. “But Alyson...severing you from your mate could kill you. It could kill you just as easily as if one of you had died. You are aware of this? Balidor mentioned it, surely?”

I blinked. Then I focused on my tea cup, watching my fingers clench around it slowly.

“No,” I said. “He didn’t.”

“Severing is severing, my friend...whether in death or through some expedited means. It is extremely dangerous to you. To both of you.” He took another precise sip of tea. “...It would be ideal if we could test it somehow.”

“Test it?” I stared at him again. “How?”

Vash just looked at me for a moment, his dark eyes thoughtful.

“He has a very different understanding of the situation, does he not?” the old seer said then. “Between you, I mean...what he thinks is occurring.”

“Revik?” I said. 

When the seer gestured in affirmative, I shrugged. 

“Well...yeah.” Thinking about this, I gave a low snort. “Talk about crazy...he thinks we’re having political differences, Vash. He thinks I’m angry about the op in D.C....”

“Are you?”

“Of course! But that’s hardly the point now, is it?” Biting my lip as I realized I’d just snapped at the old seer, I fought my voice lower, until it came out almost as a mutter. “Jesus, Vash...you’re the one who said ‘no compromises,’ right? Weren’t those your exact words, that I couldn’t compromise on this? That it was ‘dangerous’ what I was doing, hoping I might be able to bring him back?”

“I did say those things, yes,” he agreed.

“You also said I would have to kill him,” I said, feeling my jaw harden. “How can I do that, if I’m still so confused by our bond that I can’t tell if what he’s doing makes sense to me half the time...?”

For a long moment, Vash didn’t speak. 

Then he sighed in a kind of purr, setting down his cup before looking back at my face. 

“It is dangerous what you have done, Alyson,” he said. “That is very true. And yet,” he said, pausing again. “...It is your confusion, interestingly enough, that I find so intriguing. And in some ways, perhaps a little hopeful.”

“My confusion is hopeful?”

“Yes,” he said seriously. “I believe it actually is reflecting a confusion in both of you...which means that reconnecting with you has at least somewhat diluted his connection to the Dreng.” Pausing, he tapped his lip with a long forefinger.

After another pause, he gestured easily with one hand, as if still thinking. 

“...It is possible,” he added, “...again in theory, mind you...that he might be influenced by you after all, Alyson. One side will need to be dominant...at least until the integration is complete. It is possible that with your help, he will be able to tip the scales in a less volatile direction. Which means, consequently...he may also be able to reintegrate the other personalities in a way that will prove less...well...dangerous for the world.”

I stared at him. 

“...In theory,” he added, smiling at me. “We all know how reliable those are. We established that as our baseline, yes?”

For a long moment, I couldn’t quite make his words real to me. 

I wasn’t ready to hope yet...not full-fledged, honest-to-gods hope...but I also couldn’t not start building ladders from this with my mind. I found myself staring at the stone floor a few seconds later, almost forgetting the older seer.

“How long before we’ll know?” I said finally.

Vash purred again, clicking softly. “That, I do not know, Alyson.”

“Will there be signs, though?” I said. “Some indication if it’s working?”

“I do not know that either,” he said seriously. “However, the collar will not aid this, Alyson. In fact, the more time spent with him, the more likely you can influence his light. More time together at this point might actually increase your likelihood of success. Not hinder it.” 

I stared at him. 

“You want me to go spend time with Revik?” I said. “You’re telling me I should go spend time with Syrimne...who is trying to kill off most of humanity? So...what? I can be a good influence on him?”

Vash thought about this for another minute.

“In essence,” he said. “...Yes. That is exactly what I am suggesting, Alyson.” 

My face must have looked pretty blown, because he added,

“There is no guarantee it will work,” he said. “And some chance he could corrupt you, of course. If you wish, I can try to sever things with the two of you as well...”

I sat there, trying to think through that mess, too.

I didn’t get very far though. 

“Something is happening,” Vash said quietly, touching my arm.

I turned my head towards the door, right as it opened with a bang.

Dorje thrust his head past the opening, his dark eyes wide in his round face. He gripped the frame, white-knuckled, looking between us.

“Bridge,” he said. “Bridge...please. You need to come with me.”

“What happened?” I said, taking in his expression.

“Just come with me, Bridge...message for you...”

“Message?” I said. I looked at Vash, raising an eyebrow. “What kind of message?”

Dorje exhaled. “From him. Syrimne. He wrote you a letter, Allie...”

“He did what?” I had a sudden, inappropriate desire to laugh. 

“Allie,” Dorje said, his face pale and serious. “He had it delivered here.”

I FOLLOWED DORJE down the long corridor, fighting my way through the profusion of thoughts that tried to push their way to the forefront of my mind.

Revik had written me a letter? More to the point, he had it sent to me, on foot, by some poor human kid who nearly got shot for his troubles.

According to Dorje, the kid had a map with him. He’d knocked on the back door to wherever we were, which Dorje seemed to think was more than a little disturbing in and of itself. Apparently, our location wasn’t meant to be all that accessible, even in the physical.  

“We’ll be leaving, right?” I said, jogging to keep up.

“Balidor is already packing.”

“What about Vash?” I looked back over my shoulder, at the monk’s cell we’d left behind a few corridors back. “Are there people on him? Protecting his light? Right now, I mean...?”

“Balidor just ordered another infiltrator—”

“Make it two,” I cut in.

“Yes, Esteemed Bridge.”

We turned a corner in the twisting catacombs of bookshelves, and tables covered with statues, jars of bones and colored stones, parchments, maps, tapestries of every shape and condition along with prayer rugs and other ritual instruments. Some of the last sat in piles along the floor, but most of it seemed to be stacked and crammed in deep stone alcoves inside the walls. I passed by Terian’s cell without so much as looking inside.

We rounded a last corner and I found myself nearly walking into Balidor, who stood with Cass, Jon, Illeg and Tenzin at the end of the hall.

Balidor held in his hand what looked like a rolled up piece of paper, almost like one of the parchments in the room I’d just left. 

They all turned to stare at me. 

Balidor was the first to speak. 

“He found us, Alyson,” he said. “I am sorry.”

He held out the parchment towards me. 

I stared at it, then up at his face. Looking around behind me at a flurry of activity in the corners of my eyes, I realized that most of the seers were already occupied with pulling together our meager belongings. I knew that in under an hour, they’d likely be dragging them and me upstairs to throw in the back of the trucks hidden in the trees and covered in camo nets outside. 

I returned my gaze to Balidor’s face.

“Read it,” I said. “Out loud.”

“Allie,” Balidor said. “I do not think—”

“Just read it, ‘Dori,” I said. “He’s obviously trying to make some sort of statement, so I doubt the contents are a profession of his love.” I swallowed, glancing around at the others, then gestured with one hand. “...Since all of our lives are at stake now, it’s only fair that everyone hear what he has to say.”

Balidor hesitated another moment. 

Then, with a sigh, he lowered his hand.

Untying the leather thong around the note, he unrolled the paper inside.

“Dearest Alyson...” he began. 

Balidor stopped, looking up at me, his eyes showing his discomfort. 

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Cass said, snatching it out of his hand. Unfurling the same piece of paper, she immediately began to read.

“Dearest Alyson...” she read, clearing her throat.

She read in a slightly raised voice, speaking slowly. Still, I could hear him through the words, almost as if he were standing in the room.

“...Please bear with me as you read this...as I attempt to express to you what I feel. I know I have only managed this clumsily in the past, when I’ve managed it at all. I can only hope you hear me in this, this time above all others, Allie...past whatever I always manage to express wrongly or poorly no matter how hard I try...

“I find I am in a very uncomfortable position with you, yet again...and, frankly, well out of my depth, in terms of my ability to handle the situation gracefully. But I need to try, Allie. I can’t express to you how badly I want you to try, too...to hear me, at least, past whatever prejudice you might have brought with you to the reading of this...”

Jon made an irritated sound, exchanging a look with Dorje. 

“What the hell is he doing?” he asked me. “That doesn’t even sound like him. Is it some kind of joke?” 

But Jon had never read any of Revik’s writing before. I had.

“It’s him, Jon,” I said, giving Balidor a bare glance. “Please...” I gestured at Cass. “Continue.”

Cass barely paused before going on.

“...Since I have known you, I have found it difficult to express to you how I feel about us...and about you, even apart from who you are to me. 

“You might think this is because I am unwilling, Allie...or perhaps because I am unable to tell you these things. In any case, you have expressed to me, more than once, that I have put you in the uncomfortable position of having to guess how I might feel...and as a result, also in a position of near-constant insecurity between us...” 

I felt my jaw harden, in spite of myself, as I remembered some of the conversations he was referencing.

But I didn’t miss any of the words that followed.

“...I had hoped this might change, after our time together at that cabin in the mountains. 

“I tried Allie...I really tried to show you how I felt. I know you likely feel cheated in that respect, too, in that you were forced to deal with a new version of your husband not long after...and likely before you had a chance to adjust to the one who finally had the courage to open to you...

“Allie, I need you to hear me on this. I love you...”

Cass trailed, her face reddening as she looked up from the note. Feeling my own face warm, I motioned her forward. 

“Keep going,” I said, my voice short. “Finish it.”

Nodding, Cass cleared her throat.

“...I love you...more than I can express in words, or even with my light. More than I’ve ever been able to show you or make you understand. More than I’ve ever loved anyone, Allie. 

“I can say that now in utter honesty, as there is nothing of my life I don’t remember now...and nothing I would hide from you, if you wished for proof of my words. I loved you before I knew you in the flesh...I sought you in the Barrier for longer than you can imagine. 

“This isn’t some prophecy to me, Allie...it’s my life. I am sending this letter in advance of myself in the hopes that we can deescalate these problems between us...” 

I glanced at Balidor, but the Adhipan leader wouldn’t return my gaze. Tightening my arms around my chest, I forced myself to continue listening.

“I also wish to explain how completely unprepared I was for what you said to me in that parking lot in Delhi...and to apologize for my response. I know you know this about me, but I need you to see that I know it, too...it is my way to throw aggression at things that terrify me. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever let myself contemplate what I might do if you fell out of love with me, Allie. That night, it felt very much like you had. 

“I still can’t think about this with any semblance of reason...I have no idea what I will do if that proves to be the case. But if you wished for me to pay attention, to take your concerns about me and the future of our marriage seriously...it worked. I am paying attention, wife. In fact, I am nearly out of my head with fear about this...”

I felt my jaw harden. I didn’t look up when I felt the others staring at me, especially Jon and Balidor. 

Cass continued to read, her voice clear.

“...What I should have said is this...maybe you can live without me, Allie, but be assured...I cannot live without you.” 

Pain whispered through my light, before I could stop it, or even hide it from the others. I felt it through the collar, strong enough that Balidor’s eyes shifted to mine. I swallowed, avoiding his gaze, tightening my arms around my body.

“...After being with someone who feels so much a part of me, I am not willing to go back to ‘sleeping with prostitutes,’ as you so blithely suggested. I know I deserved that, too...but I don’t know how to tell you more plainly that such things do not interest me in the slightest. For now, I’ll add only this...I have no intention of breaking the vows we made to one another at that cabin...not as long as there’s even a shadow of hope between us...

“Allie, there is something else you should know. I know where you are. I was in that basement under the Old House tonight...”

Stopping abruptly, Cass glanced up, blanching a little. I saw the rest of the group trade glances with one another, too. It took me a moment to pull my head together enough to do the same.

When I looked over at Balidor, I saw that he had paled.

“Go on, Cass,” I said, quiet.

Clearing her throat, Cass began reading once more.

“...I saw that the Adhipan have you collared. I’m sure that’s to keep you from me...or, more accurately...to keep me from you. I know you likely agreed to this in the hopes that you could better protect your people, Allie. 

“I respect that, wife...I respect that very much. Even so, I cannot tell you how it made me feel that you would go to such lengths, just to avoid my light...”

I swallowed, still avoiding the eyes of the others.

“...I also saw that you’ve got Vash with you...”

Cass glanced at me, her voice tensing.

Once again, I felt Balidor react, his eyes flickering to mine. 

Cass only stumbled a little that time, though, still reading in that steady, clear voice.

“...I could have killed him, Allie...I didn’t. I don’t want to take him from you, and I don’t want to take that choice from you, either. That being said, I can’t just let you walk away, my love. I can’t...not until I’ve had some chance to try and fix things between us. 

“I know you will likely find that statement coercive...possibly even threatening...given the way you’ve reacted to me of late. So I’m asking you, Allie, one more time. Please come to me. Please come to me willingly, so I don’t have to do this out of desperation. Try to get to know who I’ve become, what I’m trying to do. Give me just six months, as my wife...

“...To this end, I will compromise in any way I can, if it will convince you how serious I am about this. I will suspend all ops until that time is passed...I will conduct only those which meet with your explicit approval as to targets and means. I will give you anything you ask, Allie. Anything. If you will just give me this one thing... 

“Further, if you agree to this for the six months, I will accede to your wishes after, as well. Therefore...if at that time, you still want to sever us...I will do whatever I can to aid you to that end... 

“Make no mistake, wife. It will break my heart. It will...possibly beyond what I can recover from. But I won’t stand in your way. You have my word on this, Alyson...”

Cass swallowed, looking at me. “...I adore you,” she finished, reading the end of the letter. “...Revik.”

When she stopped speaking, the room fell utterly silent. 

I fought to swallow, looking around at faces in the dim space. I realized suddenly that the whole construct had heard Cass reading the note, and that all of the activity had stopped in the other rooms, where they had been furiously packing up our belongings to throw in the waiting trucks.

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.

“We’re under the Mansion?” I managed. “In Seertown?” I glanced around at all of them. “You said South America.”

Balidor stared at me. “Alyson. For the gods’ sake...”

But I was looking at something else now, something Jon was picking up from the stone steps beneath the door that led outside. 

It was the largest bouquet of flowers I’d ever seen.