16

FINISHED

I COULDN’T MOVE.

I lay on my back, staring up at a green-mirrored ceiling. I didn’t remember coming out of it. I couldn’t think about how long I had been inside that place, with him...I couldn’t make myself think about what I’d seen.

My heart hurt, more than I could suppress, or keep out of my light...that pain I remembered, faintly, from long ago, from thinking he was dead. I remembered that pain well enough, but this ache in my heart was new, almost more than I could bear without voicing it somehow. I clutched at my chest protectively, fighting to breathe, unable to see for what felt like a long time.

I knew the truth behind it, though. I'd finally seen more than I could handle. Other things hurt, scared me maybe...or scarred me, maybe even more than I realized. Other things made me wonder if he'd ever be okay, if he was so far lost in insanity and death that he might never come back. But I couldn't handle what he'd just shown me. I couldn't even articulate to myself why, but that didn't really matter, either. I could feel my light closing, pulling away.

I even knew the story. He'd told me some of this before, in that rebel compound in the mountains, as the Sword. But I hadn't seen it in technicolor before, and in his version, he'd left out the part about the prostitutes. He'd also left out the part about how he'd given up...on me, anyway. On having love in the flesh, at least in this life. He'd decided he would be dead before we met again. He'd decided not to wait anymore.

I didn’t look at him.

I felt his eyes on me though. I felt his pain as he looked at me, but I couldn’t let myself think about whether it was aimed at me. I remembered how he felt, with that other seer, and the pain in my chest worsened.

Elan had been there. Elan Raven, Maygar’s mother, had been there when he lost his virginity in a whorehouse. She’d practically molested him.

I covered my eyes with a hand, trying to fight the image out of my light.

I needed a break. Balidor was right; so was Jon. I could feel it now, my gradual loss of control, the inability to keep my mind running in straight lines. I felt my own exhaustion. It wasn’t lack of sleep...not the part that hurt me, anyway. I fought it out of my light, that desperation, that pain that wasn’t just separation pain, or even regret or fear or confusion at some of the more violent things he’d shown me.

I didn’t know if I could handle much more of this.

The thought brought another hard pain in my chest, a tightness that cut off my breath. I fought back tears, fought back whatever wanted to manifest on my face.

I was losing it. I wasn’t going to be able to help him much longer. I would have to call in Vash...or Tarsi. I had to believe that I’d been right in what I’d told him, that they could do it without me. I wasn’t going to be any good to him much longer. Better to go now, before I lost control of my light altogether, and caused him to withdraw, or worse...to slide backwards into that fortress he’d built around himself.

I had been doing it for weeks now, fighting back everything I felt, every reaction I had to what I saw...anything that hit me that was personal. It wasn’t denial...not all of it, anyway. I knew what I had to do. I had to be a kind of mirror. There was no way in hell I could remain objective, but I had to at least seem objective. For him.

Whatever his words said, I knew he was sometimes consumed with guilt, or maybe just shame...to the point where he couldn’t look at me after. I didn’t know if those feelings were personal to me, or the mere fact of having any witness at all...or if it came just from having to see it all again himself. Whatever his reasons...and I didn’t probe them because I didn’t have to...I knew he was looking for any excuse, any reason to fight me more than he already was.

I struggled to bring my light under control, breathing.

The pain gradually ebbed to a bearable throbbing, somewhere in the near background. It always did, eventually...but it took longer each time. Each time, it felt a little closer, even after it had receded. Each time, it bit into me harder.

I fought to swallow, lying there a few minutes more.

I waited for it to go back more, to recede further into the background. When it didn’t, I waited until I could handle that. Or until I could at least keep it off my expression.

I wondered how long that time had been.

Going under, time distorted. That had felt like days...but I knew it had likely been hours. Ten at most. More likely, it had been seven or eight.

I grew conscious of my own fingers clenched in my shirt over my chest, and I loosened those too, taking my hand away from the sweated fabric. I laid it on the blanket by my side, and tried not to react to the fact that he’d seen me do that, as well.

I still felt his eyes on me, from where he lay only a few feet away.

It made it easier to connect, to be so close. But it made everything harder, too.

I was still trying to make up my mind to turn, to look at him, try to ascertain what lay behind his stare. I preferred to do it by reading his expression, without reaching out, without violating him inside the collar unless I absolutely had to. My own paranoia wasn’t a pressing enough reason to take advantage of the disparity between us. In fact, I couldn’t really think of a good reason to do it anymore. I suppose there had to be one, if I thought hard enough.

I still couldn’t make myself look at him.

“Allie.”

His voice was soft, almost a whisper.

I didn’t turn. His voice slid through my light, bringing the pain back in a thick pulse, strong enough it probably showed on my face.

“Allie, look at me.”

I swallowed again. But his words got me to turn, to shift my head on the hard pillow.

Meeting his gaze, I felt a kind of pit form in my stomach. I tried to keep it off my face, studying his expression. He looked at me, and I saw something like fear in his eyes.

“Allie,” he said, softer. He touched my face.

“Are you all right?” I asked him.

His eyes shone back at me, conflicted, shimmering briefly with things I couldn’t pin down long enough to identify. But whatever it was, it was more than he could handle, too. His clear eyes changed again as I watched, morphing until I could no longer see him through them.

The softness left his face. His clear irises held mine, holding an empty scrutiny that didn’t reflect any of the things I fought in my own light...or that I’d felt in his, seconds before. All that remained was that emotionless appraisal, almost an infiltrator’s stare.

I forced myself to hold that clear gaze. I couldn't force myself to speak, though.

He looked away from me a few seconds later, frowning. I saw his eyes narrow at the wall. Thoughts clouded his colorless irises while I watched, cycling forward and back as he pursed his lips. His expression didn’t move really, but I saw flickers around his mouth and forehead, enough that I didn’t buy his stillness.

I knew that look...sort of. But I didn’t know what he was thinking. Some scenario was taking shape in his head, and he was feeding it, gearing up for something. I was still fighting to understand what I saw in his eyes when he spoke.

“So that's it, then?" he said. "We're done...aren't we?"

I swallowed. It wasn’t an auspicious start.

Still, I couldn't lie to him. Swallowing, I shook my head.

"No," I said. "I just need a break. A few days..." Seeing his jaw harden, I touched his arm, fighting not to react when he flinched. "It would be good for you. To spend some time in someone else's light. Vash's...or Tarsi's. Someone who's not going to take things so personally." I fought to swallow again, shaking my head. "Revik. I'm just tired."

His eyes met mine, holding an anger on the surface. He didn't answer me though.

Still studying his eyes, I touched his face. "There's more going on," I said. "We just got a message from China, and I need to act on it. Voi Pai is trying to – "

"Spare me," he cut in. "I don't need to hear it, Allie." For a moment he only stared at the wall. Turning, he gave me a cold look. "You shouldn't be sharing intel with me anyway. You know damned well if I ever got free – "

"Revik," I cut him off, caressing his arm. "Don't. Please don't. It's not you. It's me."

He let out an angry laugh, shaking his head. "Yeah."

He stared at me. For a brief pause, he seemed to see me again. Then his eyes hardened more. I flinched at the anger that shimmered off his light.

"Just fucking go, Allie. Leave."

"Revik," I said, clicking softly. "Please. What do you want me to do?"

He shook his head. "I told you what I want. I want you to go, Allie. I want you to go and never come back...just stop explaining and leave..."

I fell silent at the pain that flared off his light.

He was breathing harder, his skin flushed, his mouth curled in anger. I saw that coldness in his eyes, but more lay behind it, so much more that I couldn’t make sense of it. Neither could he, apparently. Confusion wove into the fury I could feel. Whatever it was, he barely seemed able to hold it back. His hands clenched on his thighs, and I felt pain on him, but it wasn’t separation pain, at least not all on its own.

Looking at his face, it crossed my mind to leave...come back and talk to him about this later, after we'd both slept. Take a shower. Let him cool off. Maybe I would feel differently then, too. Maybe I would be able to convince myself I really could finish this.

But somehow, I didn’t leave.

I should have left.

When I didn't move, pain came off him in a cloud. Then tears were running down his cheeks as he stared sightlessly at the wall. But most of what I felt on him was anger still...a rage so intense I couldn't get close enough to it to understand what it was about. I tried to touch him, but he didn't just flinch that time...he moved out of my reach, wiping his face with one hand.

"Revik," I said, soft. "I love you."

He shook his head, but didn't answer.

"Revik..." I began.

"Just stop, Allie," he said. "Stop. It's done. I want this to be done..."

"The sessions?" I felt a panic rise in my chest. "But we're so close. Please, just get some rest, Revik, and it'll feel different, I promise. I'll feel different – "

But he only shook his head, his voice deadened. "Not the sessions."

"Then what?"

"The marriage," he said, turning on me.

I flinched. I couldn’t help it.

That time, his eyes reacted to my flinch. I felt him hesitate, then he looked away again. He covered his face with a hand, closing his eyes.

"I know we can't be severed," he said, still not looking at me. "I know all that, Allie. But I'm done. I don't want to be married to you anymore. I want to find some way to work around the bond...to have lives apart from one another..." He shook his head, his voice holding that pain still. "...I know it won't be easy, but it's got to be better than this."

I just looked at him, unmoving. I was lost again...lost in that place I’d woken up in, that place without hope, without anything. The pain turned in my gut, throbbing a low, dead pulse. I felt a part of me starting to shut off, to close down.

I couldn’t handle this conversation, not now...maybe not ever.

But it was already here.

"I think we should formalize an agreement," he said. "Ground rules about how to use our light, and when to shield from one another." He met my gaze, his eyes empty. "And I want you to bring me someone to fuck. Anyone, Allie. Hire someone. All of this will be easier on both of us if we start taking other sexual partners...as soon as possible..."

Pain hit me, more than I could keep off my face.

“Don’t,” he growled. “Don’t fucking start crying...I mean it, Allie...I can't take that right now. I really can't. You know I'm right about this...don't make me out to be the prick, just because I'm the one willing to say it out loud...”

I shook my head, but I still couldn’t speak.

“I'm trying to make this easier for you," he said. "For both of us. The sooner we stop pretending, the better..."

I shook my head, but I still didn’t look at him. “You can have whatever you want, Revik. I just...can we talk about this later...”

“You want to talk about this later?" He turned to stare at me. "Allie...there is no 'later.' I want us to come to an agreement, then I don't want to see you again. I want Vash and Tarsi to help me with the rest, and for you and I to go our separate ways..."

I didn’t turn my head.

He stared at me for a moment longer. I felt his eyes on me, felt the pain coming off him, mixing with that colder anger, fighting its way out of him.

He wanted to hit me. He wanted to hurt me for real. I could feel that, too.

Even as I thought it, he lowered his voice, speaking in a kind of thick frustration.

“I can’t stand it, Allie...I mean it...I can’t fucking stand it anymore." His voice grew softer, holding so much pain I flinched. "I need you to go. I don't want to hurt you, and I don't trust myself not to if you stay. I never want to see you again, Allie...I mean it...”

“You said you wanted it to be me.”

My voice came from far away, almost from someone else.

“...I could have made it someone else, Revik...” I said. “I offered...”

He grabbed my wrist in his fingers, squeezing tight enough to hurt. I felt him pulling at me, even through the collar, trying to force me to look at him.

“I tried to rape you,” he said. “What the fuck are you doing, lying next to me?”

I shook my head, fighting for words. None came.

He released my wrist, half-throwing it back at me. I felt him fighting it again, pulling back at his light, fighting to control it. I watched this from far away, but I couldn’t feel it anymore.

The pain was gone. I couldn’t feel anything.

Even so, it took me longer to sit up than it should have. I looked down at my clothes, at my body, almost confused by their outlines. I tugged at the fabric of my pants, and they didn’t look familiar to me. I realized I was still lost in the clothing of that other place, that other time I’d lived. As I acknowledged that much, his words hit me again.

It wasn’t my life. I’d never been to those places. I’d never met those people.

Even the pain of it had been a voyeur’s pain.

“I’m sorry,” was all I said.

“Sorry?” he said. “For what? Are you fucking apologizing to me for raping you?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. "No. Not for that."

My voice sounded far away again, unfamiliar to me.

I felt another pulse of anger off his light, sharp enough that I closed my eyes, blocking it. Once I’d closed my light that much, I found I couldn’t make myself want to open it again.

“Allie,” he said, his voice tired. “Why do you even care? You married me when I wasn’t me. We don't even know each other now...”

I couldn't make myself speak.

"Alyson!" he said. "Goddamn it. Are you going to give me what I'm asking for?"

I turned, meeting his gaze. I paused, silent when I saw him flinch at whatever he saw in my face. I continued to look at him, unable to take my eyes off his. As I did, I felt something in my mind phase out. Even in that, there wasn’t nothing at all.

Thoughts formed pictures, despite the overlapping silences.

They hung there, in the dark, devoid of meaning, of any dialogue or story, but the themes woven through weren’t difficult to understand.

I saw it again, what happened in D.C. The way he’d looked at me on the plane...what he’d said to me when he thought I was in love with Balidor. What he’d said to me when I’d first entered the tank, all those weeks ago. Even as far back as the ship, and everything I’d done since to try and force us to be together. It had always been me, from the start. He'd pursued me as Syrimne, but only because of what I was, not because of me.

He’d been waiting for the Bridge. Some mythical being...not me.

Until he wasn't waiting for her anymore, either.

I didn’t have it in me to fight him anymore. Vash had warned me. So had Balidor. Even Jon in his own way, cautioned me about expecting too much. Remembering their words, I didn’t move for a long moment.

Then I reached up behind my neck. It took a moment for my fingers to find the right spot on the chain. Unclasping the latch to the necklace I’d worn for almost two years, even while I’d been a captive of Terian, I caught it in my hand when it fell. I saw his eyes follow my fingers as I coiled it in my palm...as I held it out to him.

He didn’t move at first. I motioned again with my hand for him to take it.

When he still didn’t move, my voice grew impatient.

“Take it, Revik," I said. "Please. I need you to take it.”

He met my gaze. I couldn’t read him at all now, but it no longer mattered.

“I'll shield my light," I said. "I'll do whatever you ask. But I need you to take this back."

Reaching out almost cautiously, he held his hand under mine. With barely a hesitation, I dropped the chain and the ring into his fingers.

“Is there anything else you want?” I said. “Anything else of yours I have?”

For a long moment, he only looked at the ring in his hand.

I watched him look, then realized I didn’t want to wait to hear what else he had to say. Before he could look up, I moved away from him, pulling my stiff legs under my body. Climbing to my feet, I didn’t pause. I walked directly to the door.

I knew I was too calm, that something was wrong with me. I couldn’t feel anything, even with him in the room, emanating light.

I also knew that someone was probably out there, listening, but I didn’t care about that, either. Banging on the metal with my palm, I raised my voice for the microphones.

“Open the door.”

“Allie...” Revik said. “Wait.”

I only hit the metal again, harder. Hard enough to hurt my hand.

Revik raised his voice, pulling on me with his light. “Allie! Goddamn it. Come back here. Right now...”

I banged on the metal again.

His voice rose angrier. “Don't you dare pretend you aren't relieved...or that you won't run right into his arms again, now that I've given you permission...”

I didn’t look at him. I knew I was crying, if only because I couldn’t see; my light snaked and sparked around me, but nothing lay before my eyes but a wash of blurred green. I still didn’t feel anything. The weight in my chest dulled all of it.

“Open the fucking door,” I said, louder, my voice harsh.

Before I could bang on it again, someone did.

JON LOOKED AT Dorje, feeling something in his hands go cold. Dorje seemed almost to be in pain, as if feeling something sympathetic through his light...but he couldn’t have felt anything, not through the thick walls of the tank, or even the collar.

Allie’s eyes, more than Revik’s words, brought a kind of sickness to Jon’s stomach, something he found he couldn’t really think past. He saw the anger in Revik’s face, the hardness of his mouth as he tried to get her to react, maybe to yell at him in return.

But Jon barely heard their words after her face changed like that.

Then he saw her hand back the ring.

She was on her feet then, and he moved even as she did, taking the handful of strides to the door at a near jog. He was still working on the combination lock at the front of the door, putting in symbols as Dorje read them to him from the terminal, when he heard her voice turn into a near snarl through the loudspeaker.

“Open the fucking door!”

Just then, the lock caught, and he heard the mechanism roll backwards, moving all of the cylinders back into place on the back of the door. Twisting the wheel on the outside of the thick piece of green organic, he heard the seal give with a faint sucking sound. He was still pulling it open when she was already past him and through the opening.

She probably would have walked out of the room altogether, before he could get the thing closed and locked again, but he stopped pushing at its weight once it met the seal, raising his voice to stop her.

“Allie!” he said.

She paused on one foot. Then she turned, her expression entirely empty.

Staring at the mask of her face, Jon swallowed a little.

“Al,” he said, at a loss. “What are you doing?”

She didn’t seem to understand the question.

Her eyes went almost blank in the pause, just before they shifted to Dorje. Then she looked back at Jon. The calm on her face unnerved him, more than any expression he’d seen in her eyes before, even when they’d glowed at him with that alien, pale-green light.

“Give him whatever he wants,” she said in Prexci.

Her voice remained as flat as her expression.

“If you need money, let me know,” she said. “...otherwise, I’ll cover it afterwards. Or he can, if you’re willing to wait. It’s going to take me a few days to get my name off all of the relevant accounts. You’re going to want to set up some kind of terminal so he can access some of his funds, without – ”

“Al!” Jon cut into her words. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Her eyes grew cold, the color of a frozen stream. Jon felt his breath catch. He didn’t recognize anything he could see there...anything at all.

“I said to give him whatever he wants,” she said.

“You really want us to put a prostitute in there?”

Her mouth rose in a half-smile. Again, he didn’t know it, or the look in her eyes that came with it. She just looked at him, her expression unmoving.

“Which part of ‘whatever he wants’ isn’t clear?” she said. “You’ll have to pay to transport them here...and to keep the location secret. But if he likes a few of them, you can probably board them in the caves for awhile. Hell, I’m sure you can order them from the network channels, Jon. Give him a terminal...let him pick whatever flavor he wants.”

“Al, that’s completely nuts,” Jon said. “You know that, right? Let him calm down, all right? Both of you need to just calm down...you're exhausted...”

She shook her head though, her eyes unchanging.

Jon tried again. "Allie..."

“Just do it,” she said. "I need to go and talk to Balidor about the Cass thing. I don't have the time or the inclination to deal with this, too."

Jon started to shake his head, but her voice grew dangerously quiet.

“That’s not a fucking request.”

When he started to speak, she held up a hand, her eyes sparking faintly with greenish light.

“...And don’t bother me with it again. Talk to Poresh if you need help with the logistics...or one of the others, I don’t care who. Just leave me out of it.”

Before Jon could think of a reply, she had already turned away.

He watched as she disappeared back into the corridor leading to the common areas and the residences housed inside the caves. It wasn’t until she was completely gone, that he glanced at Dorje. The seer was looking at him, sympathy in his brown eyes.

After a pause, Dorje gestured towards the organic door.

“Lock the hatch, cousin,” he said softly.

Jon realized he still hadn’t locked the door. He held the handle, and the door was shut, but he hadn’t activated the new code, or spun the wheel to reengage the seal. He stared at the thick door, his mind still moving somewhere, sluggishly in the background, without being connected to the rest of him. He looked past Dorje then, staring at the organic window into the tank. Through the green-tinted pane, he saw Revik sitting against the wall, his forearms resting on his knees.

His clear eyes stared at the ceiling, his expression unreadable. The silver chain with the ring dangled from the fingers of one hand.

Staring at him for another blink of time, Jon felt his hands clench into fists.

Before the thought fully formed, he jerked at the handle of the door.

“Cousin!” Dorje said. “No!”

Ignoring him, Jon jerked on the handle of the door to open it, then stepped in to the green tiled room beyond. Turning around once he was inside, he slammed the heavy door behind him, hitting the key for the lock.

He saw Revik look up, but didn’t meet his gaze. Without pausing, he walked directly to where the seer sat on the floor.

“Jon.” Revik watched him approach, his eyes startled. “Jon, what – ”

Jon kicked him, hard, in the leg. Without a pause, he kicked him again, bending down to hit him in the mouth as hard as he could with his fist. Kicking him again, in the ribs that time, he grabbed his shoulder, slamming him against the organic metal of the wall. Revik only cowered away from his blows, throwing up his arms.

“Jon! Cousin! Please...please!”

He hit him again, slamming his fist against the left side of his head. It hurt his hand, but it must have hurt Revik more, because he let out a gasp when it knocked him sideways. He held up his hands then, protecting his temples.

“Cousin!” he said. “Please! Stop!”

“Jon! Stop!” Dorje’s voice came over the loudspeaker, sounding worried, strangely far away. “Stop, cousin...please! I’ll have to gas both of you if you don’t!”

 Jon found himself standing over the dark-haired seer, breathing hard, every muscle in his arms and shoulders tensed. He stared down at the man who had been his friend, and the fury in his heart nearly exploded out of him when he saw the other staring at the wall, wiping his bleeding lip with the back of his hand.

“You just couldn’t help yourself, could you?” he spat. “You couldn’t fucking help it, right?”

“I did her a favor.”

“Did you? Was that supposed to be a mercy killing?”

Revik stared at him. His mouth hardened.

“We don’t belong together,” he said.

“No shit!” Jon shouted at him.

Revik winced, staring up at him.

Jon took a step closer, fighting not to hit him again.

“What the hell do you think everyone’s been telling her for the past year?” Jon said. “What do you think she’s been hearing from every single person...anyone she tries to convince you’re worth giving a damn about? Do you think the other seers have been supportive? That they’ve all been giving her high fives, for half-killing herself in here with you? Every goddamned one of them would shoot you in the head, if you weren’t bonded to her...”

Revik’s mouth hardened more.

“And you think she needs it from you, too?” Jon said. “You self-centered prick! She asked for a break. A fucking break is all. You couldn't give her that?”

Revik shook his head, his eyes cold.

"That's not the point..."

"Then what is, exactly? What was the point of that?"

“Maybe they’re right, Jon," he said. "All of those people.”

“What?”

“Maybe I should die. Maybe we both should. I don’t see how we’ve done a hell of a lot of good for anyone since we got together...”

“Jesus H. Christ. So it’s a suicide pact? You're back on that kick again?”

“She’s the Bridge isn’t she? Maybe she shouldn’t be here. Maybe it’s not her time yet. Maybe us being here at the same time is only making everything worse...”

“Just what the hell kind of monster are you?”

“Monster?” Revik clicked at him in irritation, touching his temple with his fingers and wincing. He looked up at Jon. "That’s probably the most selfless thing I’ve done with her since I met her...”

“The most cowardly, you mean.”

“What’s your problem, Jon?”

“What’s my problem, man?” he said. “Did you really just ask me that?”

Revik’s eyes met his. “You know I’m right. You said as much. She’s better off without me...hell.” He gave a short laugh. “Everyone thinks so. You said that, too.”

Jon just looked at him, clenching his hands in frustration.

“What did she ever do to you, man?” he said. “Seriously. That wasn’t some brush off. It wasn’t even you trying to hurt her enough that she’d leave. You wanted her to stay, just so you could keep lobbing those fucking bombs at her. You were trying to hurt her...”

Revik shook his head, clicking louder.

“I wasn’t trying to hurt her.”

“Yes,” Jon snapped. “You were. Why? What did she do?”

“She didn’t do anything, Jon,” he said. “She just tends to need to hear things in strong words...or she ignores them. I’ve tried being subtle with her. It doesn’t work. She needs to be hit with a two-by-four or it’s like I didn’t say anything...”

“Really?” Jon said. “That’s your excuse? So she’s just a little thick then, I guess? Dim-witted?” When the seer wouldn’t look at him, his voice grew openly angry. “I'm not her, Revik. I'm not Allie...you can't sell me the 'Allie's stupid' crap and expect it to fly. Hell, I think she's smarter than you are...about everything but you, that is...”

“Jon,” he said, looking up. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

“Okay. Fine.” Jon held up his hands. “So let’s just have a conversation then...since you’re so reasonable about all this.”

Revik’s jaw hardened more, but he didn’t speak.

“So tell me,” Jon said, fighting his own anger. “...what about the bond, man? The fact that the two of you literally can’t separate your light, or you’ll die? What do you plan to do about that? Or do you think if you’re a big enough prick to her, that will go away, too?”

Revik frowned. He clasped his fingers between his knees, the chain and ring still dangling between them. His eyes focused on the ring, expressionless.

“I don’t know,” he said.

“You don’t know.”

“No, Jon,” he said. “I don’t. But we’ll figure something out. You heard her. We can shield. We can find some way to – ”

“Shield?" Jon said, incredulous. "You're just going to shield your light, while you go back to buying sex...or selling it, or whatever it is you do? You can't be serious, man."

“What the fuck do you want from me?”

When Revik looked up, Jon froze, staring at the tears in the other man’s eyes. He could only gape at the seer’s face, sure he was hallucinating at first, but Revik looked away, gripping his own hair in his hand. For a long moment, Jon didn’t move, watching him sit there, his knees up, his hands in his hair as his body hitched under his breaths. He wiped his eyes as Jon watched.

“I fucking raped her, Jon.”

Jon frowned. “I know, man...I saw.”

Revik winced, clutching his hair harder.

“Then what do you want from me?” he said. “Why won’t you leave me alone?”

“Because that’s not what this is, man,” Jon said.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“You didn't do this for her. You are angry at her...why?”

The seer didn’t move for a long moment. He sat there, staring out over the dark green room, his eyes out of focus. Tears still ran down his face as Jon watched, but the look in his eyes was anger again, an anger that was seemed to darken the longer Jon looked at it. Revik wiped his cheek with the palm of his hand, his eyes hardening more.

“She’ll never forgive me, Jon.”

“She might not now,” he said mildly.

Revik looked up, his eyes flashing with anger.

“You don’t know how she looked at me,” he said. “Every time, Jon. After every session...she looked at me different. I could see it on her face. Not just the people I killed...whoever I slept with, whatever I did to the seers in my unit...what I did to those human women, in the town...”

“Revik, man.” Jon sighed. “What do you expect?”

“I don’t expect anything! But I don’t need that shit, Jon! It’s bad enough, her seeing all this...it’s bad enough having to remember it myself. I won’t keep explaining it to her for the rest of my life. I’m not going to do it! I won’t!”

Jon just watched him, his eyes holding a faint incredulity. "Seriously, man? That's pathetic."

“She’ll never let it go,” Revik said, wiping his face again. “She’ll look at me, and she’ll think I’m a murderer, a whore-monger, a little runt fuck, like I was when I was a kid. She’ll never see me the same, Jon. Never. And I'll never be right...not with her around, reminding me of what I was, every time I do anything..."

When the seer looked away, his eyes angry once more, Jon sighed.

“Jesus, man. You’ve got to give her time to deal with this stuff. You've got to give yourself time, too. And you're wrong about her, anyway...that's not what's bothering her. She's exhausted, Revik. And she's worried about you...and Cass...and about a million other things. She’s doing her damnedest to be the good little soldier, to not get upset...”

Revik gave a hard laugh, his fingers in his hair again.

There was another silence.

In it, Jon found himself looking at the other seer with new eyes. Something clicked as he stared, until he found himself letting out a kind of understanding exhale.

“That’s still not all of it, man,” he said, quieter. “Come on. Let's have it.”

The seer shook his head, staring at the floor. His hand shook when he wiped his face with his knuckles, using his fingers on his cheeks.

“I’m not mad at her,” he said.

Jon whistled softly. “Yeah. You are. And not for any of the reasons you just gave. Tell me the truth...seriously. I'm not leaving until you do.”

Revik clicked in annoyance. “You’re making up stories, Jon.”

“I don’t think so. Come on. What’s this really about?”

Revik shook his head, not answering.

Jon waited, watching the angular face as thoughts clouded those clear eyes, as he frowned down at his own feet. After a pause, Revik shook his head. A thick laugh left his throat, even as he gripped his hair, clicking to himself. Or maybe at himself.

“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make any sense. It’s not real, Jon...”

“What isn’t?”

“I told you, it – ”

“...Doesn’t matter, I know,” Jon said. “So why not just tell me then?”

“There’s nothing to say.”

“Revik, jesus. You accuse her of acting like a child – ”

“She fucking left me here!” Revik snarled.

Jon flinched. He stared at Revik’s face, watching the seer breathe harder as he glared up at him. The anger in his face only worsened though, until he was fighting clutching breaths, his eyes flashing with sparks of light, enough to make Jon nervous. The seer's skin flushed, even as his long fingers clenched on his thighs.

“Just drop it, all right!” he said.

Jon swallowed, but he held his ground, folding his arms.

“What do you mean? When did she leave you?”

“Drop it, Jon!”

“No, I’m not going to drop it. When did she leave you? Because as long as I’ve known you, it’s been you pushing her away...”

“Bullshit.”

“Revik, for God’s sake...”

“Just fucking leave it alone, Jon!”

When Jon only stared at him, his arms folded, the seer glared up at him, his eyes shining once more, but this time with tears. Anger hardened his mouth, even as he gestured with one hand, wiping his face as he growled out words.

“For years,” he said. “For fucking years, Jon. Do you understand? She left me to rot. She left me with them. For years...and now she’s going to judge me for how I am? She leaves me in...that...and she’s going to judge me?" He wiped his face with his other hand, gesturing shortly. "Letting go of her, of that whole bullshit story...it was the only thing that helped. I was better after that, Jon. I was better...”

“Revik,” Jon looked at him, now at a loss. “What, man? What are you talking about?”

“I don’t have to listen to any of that crap...not from her! Not from someone who never had to deal with anything...who never bothered to show up, to even just be there, if only to help me with it. She can just go back to her fucking gods and her golden goddamned light ocean or whatever the fuck she wants...”

Jon just stared at the seer’s face, bewildered.

He saw the anger there, but also something else, a kind of desperate hurt, something that he’d seen in the male Elaerian’s face before, but not in a long time.

And not like this. Or maybe he’d just never really connected the dots to what he knew about him now, what he could see in him now.

“She doesn’t get it,” the seer said. “She’ll never get it, Jon...and I don’t even care anymore. If she wanted me to be with her here, she needed to get it...at least a little bit...”

“Get what?” Jon said. “What do you need her to get?”

Revik closed his eyes, resting his head back on his hands.

He gave a short laugh while Jon watched, shaking his head.

“I told you it didn’t matter,” he said. “Just forget it.”

Jon continued to look at him, frowning.

After the faintest pause, he let his knees bend, coming down to a cross-legged position in a single fluid fall. Still watching the seer’s face, he moved closer to where he sat, so that their legs were almost touching. When the silence stretched, he laid a hand on his arm.

“What are you talking about, man?” he said.

Revik shook his head, his eyes closed. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

Revik only shook his head again. He wiped his eyes again while Jon watched, still clutching the silver chain in his fingers where they wound into his hair. Jon found himself thinking about his words then, turning them over in his mind. After another moment where the seer just sat there, not looking at him, Jon sighed, louder that time.

“Revik. Are you angry at her that she wasn’t born until now?”

The seer’s jaw hardened. He didn’t look up.

After another pause, he exhaled, shaking his head, clicking.

"That's not the point. I'm not a better person with her around," he said. "I'm worse. And so is she..."

Watching his face, Jon shook his own head, feeling a sharp wave of unreality, mixed with a kind of exasperated compassion as he looked at the other man.

“Revik.” He sighed again, leaning his back against the wall next to him. “You think when she was born was her fault somehow? That she didn’t come soon enough?”

“Forget it, Jon. You’re not a seer. You wouldn’t understand.”

“No...I get it.”

“I said forget it, Jon.”

“But that’s it, isn’t it?” he said. “You think she abandoned you down here. Left you with uncle Menlim and Merenje because she couldn’t be bothered to come get you?” Jon watched the other’s face, seeing it tighten under his scrutiny. “...Or maybe it’s some intermediary thing?” he said. “Some grand, cosmological scheme that just didn’t factor you in? Or deem you as all that important, maybe?”

“Jon...please. Just drop it, okay?”

Jon couldn’t help but stare at him though, his eyes and voice incredulous.

“That’s deeply crazy, man. You know that, right?” He caught hold of the seer’s arm again, squeezing his shoulder. “I don’t give a damn what race you are. That is some seriously crazy shit, Revik...to blame her for something like that...”

“I don’t blame her.”

“The hell you don’t!” Jon gave a short laugh. “You do, Revik. Flat out.”

“I said it didn’t make sense. Anyway, that's not the point...”

“But it still pisses you off.”

Revik exhaled, clicking as he continued to stare at his feet. After another pause, he closed his eyes. Jon watched his face tighten again, just before he nodded.

“Yeah. It still pisses me off.”

“Did you actually tell her that?”

“No.”

“Don’t you think you should?”

“Why, Jon?” Revik met his gaze, his jaw hard. “What good would that do? It doesn’t change anything, does it? It doesn’t fix anything. And I don't want to get on this fucking merry-go-round with her again. I told you...it doesn't make me better. She doesn't make me better. I should be alone...or with someone who doesn't make me crazy. She should be, too...”

Jon leaned against the wall, shaking his head.

“You need to tell her, man. You can't just end a marriage and not tell a person why."

“That’s a courtesy, Jon. Not a reason.”

“Isn’t it reason enough?” Jon said.

Revik’s eyes clouded briefly, then he shook his head.

“I don’t want to talk to her, Jon. I really don’t.”

“Well, that’s good, man...because I don’t think she’s going to be coming back here for awhile.”

At the other’s irritated clicking, Jon sighed, closing his own eyes as he leaned his head against the wall.

“Jesus, Revik. Do you really want her out of your life totally?” He looked at him, turning his head. “She told me to get you a prostitute. As many as you wanted, actually.”

Revik gave him a narrow look. “She said that?”

“Yeah, man. She said to give you your choice...‘let him pick a flavor,’ she said. She authorized funds and everything...” He paused, watching the Elaerian’s eyes cloud again as he stared at the floor. “If you think she’s sticking around for that, you’re high, Revik. My guess is, you won’t be seeing her for awhile, man. If ever.”

There was another silence.

Then Revik shook his head, clicking under his breath.

“She's better off.”

Looking at the seer's closed face, Jon felt a sudden swell of anger.

“Bullshit she's better off," he snapped. "I knew her before, man. You might have been creepy stalker guy...but you obviously missed a lot." His voice sharpened when the other only shook his head. "And bullshit that you're better off, too. You were half of who you really are. That might be easier, but it's hardly better..."

"Really, Jon?" Revik looked up, his mouth hard. "You remember me before the op in D.C., don't you? Tell me...was I 'better' then? Was that the lighter, more forgiving and rational part of my nature you saw? You can't even blame it all on the Syrimne thing...she made me insane before I shot that kid. I was already falling...even before. You know it. I know you do..."

Jon stared at him, his mouth pursed. After another pause, he shook his head.

"Revik, man. You must have known it would be hard...dealing with all of this. You can't blame that on Allie. You can't.” The anger left his voice somewhat though, as he saw the tired, empty look return to the other's face. "...And anyway, it wasn't all the marriage. Having that kid uncollared and so close...that had to be affecting you. You probably were already dealing with the Syrimne part of yourself. Even before you shot him..."

Revik's eyes were distant once more. Gesturing vaguely, he rubbed his face with his hand, leaning his head against the tile wall.

"It doesn't matter now anyway, Jon," he said, his voice hollow. "She can't be gone for that long...not while I'm in here. Like you said, we’re bonded. She leaves for a few weeks, and we’re both going to feel it. More than feel it, if it’s anything like last time...”

Jon just looked at him for a moment.

Then he sighed, leaning his head on the wall next to Revik's.

“I’m sure she can find a way around that, man,” Jon said. “Her ‘dim-wittedness’ aside, she’s always been pretty good at making things happen that she wants to have happen.”

The seer shrugged with a hand.

“She can’t beat the bond, Jon.”

“No, man,” Jon said, looking at him. “But she can probably beat you.”

The seer looked over at that, his clear eyes narrow.

"I'm not trying to 'win' anything." He focused back on the far wall. "I knew I wouldn't be able to handle being married again. I knew it as far back as the ship. I did it anyway. You're right, it's not her fault, but that doesn't change anything either..."

Jon smiled humorlessly, shaking his head without taking it away from the wall.

“Revik," he said. "...you're lying to yourself. And you don’t know her as well as you think. You can convince yourself she's a doormat or whatever as much as you like, but you’re stupid if you really believe that. You have no idea how fast she cut Jaden out of her life, once she knew it was over.” His voice grew warning when he looked at the seer. “I haven’t seen that look on her face in a long time...but I saw something a lot like it today.”

“Great.” Revik gave a low grunt, clutching his hair in his hands again. “Now I rank with some human punk she was fucking...”

“Yeah,” Jon said, clenching his jaw briefly. “A human she was in love with...for longer than she’s known you. When she was done...she was done, man.”

Revik clicked to himself softly, giving a humorless laugh.

“She tried to cut his new woman,” he grunted.

“Yeah,” Jon said. “...She did. She did do that. And then, a week later, she got out of jail, and she had that look on her face I saw today. She cut him out of her life...I mean totally. He tried repeatedly to apologize, to at least keep her as a friend. She didn’t want to hear it. She never spoke to him again, as far as I know. He was still trying when you showed up and took her out of there. She moved out of their place while he was out of town, and that was it...”

Revik looked at him, his expression cold.

“Is that supposed to scare me, Jon?”

“It should, man. Yeah.”

"Well, it doesn't. It's good. She needs to move on...the sooner the better."

For a moment, Jon only looked at his face, watching the seer's expression close. Realizing the conversation was over, he removed his hand from the other man's arm, sliding backwards on the tile, using his arm for leverage.

"Okay, man." Leaning against the wall for balance, Jon regained his feet. "Fine. Let me know how that works out for you."

The seer’s mouth curled into a frown. Jon thought for a moment he might be angry enough to answer, but he didn’t.

Instead he stared back at the green-tiled floor, the silver chain still clutched in his hand.