MY FRUSTRATION REDUCES a little bit at lunch, when I check my bank balance and see the Cams.com deposit. Twelve grand. I got twelve grand and they got twelve grand just for a fucking wire. Bullshit. I feel my heart rate increase again, just from the ridiculous fee. I take a deep breath and call my hosting company. Tell them to rerun my debit card, wait on hold for a ridiculous twelve minutes, then crack a smile when they inform me that my site is back up. Finally. One short-term problem solved. I have cash.
And I still have the Cayman money. My nest egg. I can build back my US funds. It’ll take a year, maybe two, but I’ll build it back. I push the missing millions out of my mind and focus on Mike. I need a new hacker. Someone to dig for information on Mike. Find out his address and full name. Then pack up FtypeBaby and RUN right to his door. Then, depending on what I find, I can either hug the man to death or chop him into pieces. I feel something on my cheek, and brush at it, surprised when my finger comes back wet. Wet. My eye teared up. I stare at it in surprise. Blink rapidly and dare my body to produce more weakness.
I eat a roasted turkey breast and mashed potatoes boxed dinner. Drink water and check e-mail, hoping against reason for something from Mike. I don’t know what I’m expecting. A heartfelt apology with a treasure map to my fortune? Another clue, this one leading me to discover the big bad monster that I am to run from? I’d take either but get nothing. Nothing except twenty-two client e-mails, covering everything from fawnfests to marriage proposals. I distract myself from growing anxiety and return them all, most with template letters I keep saved on my desktop. Thirty minutes. Twenty-two letters. I’m still jittery when I finish.
I use the restroom, brush my teeth, and floss. Redesign my toilet paper pyramid.
I am useless, an emotional ball of confused. Camming has always worked to distract me, but I can’t imagine getting online right now. Smiling for strangers when I only want to know what has happened to Mike.
I hate him.
I’m scared for him.
The seesaw between the two will drive me mad.