Focusing_Strategy

Building Excellent Relationships

“It takes a lot of life experience to see why some relationships last and others do not. But we do not have to wait for a crisis to get an idea of
a particular relationship. Our behavior in little everyday incidents
tells us a great deal.”

—Eknath Easwaran

Chris Keating is a dynamic, thirty-year-old entrepreneur who creates memorable artwork for families. His company, Towne Photography, is recognized as the best place in Calgary to go for family portraits. Business and marketing came naturally to Chris. At the age of ten, he thought that recess time in the schoolyard was dull. There was nothing to do and no facilities in the big dirt playground. So he decided to liven things up by creating a game called Cherry Bombs. Chris had observed that the fruit from nearby Oriental cherry trees froze in the cold weather and thawed when it warmed up, leaving them soft inside with a thin skin. He picked off the cherries and packaged them in Ziploc bags and asked his friends to buy them; ten in a bag for twenty-five cents. The cherries were perfect for throwing at people. And so one of the first paintball games was invented! The kids loved this game. It was fun and it was great exercise as everyone was chasing or running away from each other. The cherries left a small red mark on clothing but the kids didn’t care. And so they bought more and more cherries.

Chris’s thriving little business ended abruptly when some parents complained about the cherry stains and Chris’s mom discovered a cardboard box under his bed containing 150 dollars in profit from this startup business. She thought these were ill-gotten gains—he was taking money from his friends with no just cause. Obviously entrepreneurship was not in the genes of his parents, both being professional academics.

However, just getting good grades at school was never a focus for Chris. As he says, “That never worked for me.” Upon leaving school, he took a job as a laboratory technician in a petroleum company. For the first three months this line of work held his interest, but then it became monotonous. He was transferred to the imaging department where his job was photographing rocks. So he called a friend who was a photographer to learn more about cameras. His first assignment was to “hold her bag” that weekend at a wedding where she was the official photographer. A week later he attended a one-day course she had organized, paying eighty dollars for the tuition. After the program Chris knew that photography was what he wanted to do for the rest of his life.

The next day, he went to the bank where he bought a credit card with a five-hundred-dollar limit. He bought four hundred and twenty dollars’ worth of camera equipment and used the remaining eighty dollars to print his own personal business cards. He was in business! A few years later, after struggling in the early days, Chris discovered a niche that motivated him—family portraits. Sadly, at age ten, during the year of his Cherry Bomb “adventure,” Chris’s parents divorced and he experienced the trauma of a broken family. This weighed heavily on him. He asked himself, “How can I make a difference in the lives of families, to emphasize the importance of a loving close-knit family and the joy it creates?” From that point on, memorable artwork for families became his passion.

Chris says, “My unique advantage is that I create an emotional connection with the family during their first visit.” At the Design Appointment, Chris starts by explaining that he wants to create a powerful memorable experience for everyone and encourages them to become totally involved. This is very different from the usual approach. Questions such as, “What background do you prefer?” never arise. Chris views himself as a commissioned artist and quickly instills a high level of trust that he will produce a result that the family will be thrilled to receive. And he delivers every time.

His fees now range from two thousand to fifteen thousand dollars or more, per family, a far cry from the twenty-five cent bag of cherries he sold in the school playground! Today he is recognized as an industry leader. His practical content and entertaining style have taken him all over the world speaking to audiences of professional photographers.

Chris has also expanded his impact on the non-professional camera-carrying world by doing fifteen-city nationwide tours where his sold-out photo workshops receive rave reviews. These lead to a four-day photography extravaganza in Havana, Cuba. During his first trip there with his students, he was arrested for photographing government buildings, but that’s another story! Chris is focused on being a good role model for his own family, primarily his wife Carolynn and their three young boys. Last year they enjoyed sixteen weeks of vacation.

As a successful young entrepreneur, Chris has remained humble and passionate about his artwork. He says, “Photography is incredibly easy. All you have to do is dedicate your life to it.” His unique self-designed websites are well worth a visit: www.TownePhotography.com and www.PhotographicResource.com.

A major factor in Chris’s success is his ability to build excellent rapport with his clients and to transform this into long-term repeat business. As he says, “I genuinely like the people who have given me the privilege of coming into their lives and allowing me to create something special that will be long-lasting and memorable.”

In business, building great relationships is an essential core strategy, as Chris ably demonstrates. Now let’s look at why some relationships remain strong and sustainable whereas others collapse completely.

The Double SPIRAL

Relationships can be very fragile. Many marriages don’t survive, families are broken up and often kids are raised with only one parent to support them. What causes these relationships to fall apart when there is so much joy and love at the beginning?

It’s helpful to look at your life as a spiral. Sometimes you are in an Upward Spiral. That’s when things are going well, your confidence is high and life is rewarding. Your most important relationships are healthy and flourishing. The opposite is the Downward Spiral. This is when things start to unravel, a lack of communication occurs, stress increases and life becomes a constant struggle. Relationships are polarized during the Downward Spiral.

Nature gives us dramatic versions of these spirals. A tornado is a powerful example. Spiraling down from the sky, these dark funnels hit the ground sucking up everything in their path with devastating results. The Michael Crichton/ Steven Spielberg movie Twister provided a close-up view of these awesome spirals, and the incredible energy they contain.

Another example of a Downward Spiral is a whirlpool. On the outer edge of the whirlpool the water doesn’t look too dangerous. If you are not aware of the powerful forces at the center, however, you can be pulled down very quickly.

Understanding the downward spiral

Let’s look at how the Downward Spiral shows up in real life. To clearly understand the potential impact this can have on your current and future relationships, think of a relationship you have been involved in that didn’t work out. You need to re-create in your mind all the steps that caused this relationship to fall apart. Visualize clearly what happened.

Go back as far as you can and relive it. What was the first thing that happened? What happened after that? Then what happened? To understand the full impact of this, be sure to complete the Action Steps at the end of this chapter. Recording each individual step of your Downward Spiral all the way to the lowest point will help you understand the pattern.

For example, in a marriage the husband becomes self-centered and doesn’t help around the house anymore. He spends more time at the office, leaving early in the morning before the kids are up and arriving home late in the evening. Communication is limited to business and finances. Maybe money is tight and there isn’t enough to cover the mortgage, car payments, children’s dance lessons and dental bills. Gradually the tension builds up, arguments occur more often and each partner blames the other for the situation they are in. The Downward Spiral is now gaining momentum, just like being drawn into the center of the whirlpool. Either, or both, may seek solace by drinking, going out with the boys (or girls), gambling, or, in the worst cases, abusing each other physically and mentally. At this point, the relationship has been sucked dry and the Downward Spiral is at its lowest point. Separation often occurs, ending in divorce, and another family is placed on the broken-home list, a statistic that seems to be growing annually.

When you carefully reflect on what causes relationships to fall apart, you can take steps to heal them. Even if the relationship is past saving, you’ll be better prepared for the next one, and able to prevent the same pattern from materializing. Awareness is always the first step to progress. You can also use this spiral technique to review your most important business relationships. Here’s a common scenario:

Two people form a partnership. They have a great idea for a new product or service and they pour a lot of time and energy into their exciting new venture. Because they’re so busy making things happen, no legal partnership document was ever prepared or signed. They are good friends and they intend to do that down the road. Also, there are no clear job descriptions or methods for compensation and profit sharing.

Let’s look down the road a few years. The partnership is now struggling because one person is a controller and won’t allow his partner to make any decisions without his permission. Finances are tight and there’s weekly bickering about the way revenues should be spent. One person wants to reinvest their earnings in the company so it can grow, whereas the other has a pay-me-first attitude. Gradually the rest of the staff is pulled into the conflict and two distinctive political camps emerge. A crisis develops and one partner wants out of the business, but there is no shotgun clause, and of course no agreement that would make this easy. The partners both dig their heels in and finally they set up their own legal teams. The battle is on. Often the attorneys end up with most of the money, the business collapses and two more people are heard to proclaim, “Partnerships never work!”

Here’s a tip: If you are currently in a business arrangement with one or more partners, or are considering one in the future, always plan your exit strategy first, before you get too involved. Make sure it’s in writing. And beware of emotional attachments. The undisputed fact that your new partner is a nice guy, or your best friend, is no reason to sidestep a written agreement. Lack of foresight and preparation ruins more businesses today than anything else.

Now that you’ve looked closely at how the Downward Spiral can show up in your life, learn from it. Because we are creatures of habit, there’s a good chance that you will repeat the same behavior in your next important relationship. Really understand this. It’s critically important for your future health and wealth. If you find yourself going into the same Downward Spiral, immediately take a mental time-out. Interrupt the pattern with clear thinking and decide to make positive adjustments. Changing your behavior is the only way you will get a different result. Here’s how: Use a new template. That is, superimpose an Upward Spiral for excellent relationships on top of your Downward Spiral, the one that got you into so much trouble.

“When you are in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it.
That factor is attitude.”

—William James

Understanding the upward spiral

Let’s analyze how this Upward Spiral works so you can reap the rewards quickly. Repeat the process as before, except this time you are going to focus on a relationship that you gradually nourished, expanded and enriched, until it blossomed into a wonderful long-term friendship or business relationship. Go back in your mind and replay all the significant things that happened from the time you first met until the relationship fully matured. Most people don’t do this, so you will enjoy a tremendous advantage in the marketplace when you develop an accurate blueprint that you can duplicate many times in the future. Powerful relationships ensure powerful results.

Here’s a positive example to help you win. Dave owns an engineering business. He adapts ideas from clients and helps them create new products. Innovative design and efficient workmanship are Dave’s areas of brilliance. Over the past twenty-two years he has honed these skills to a high level. Along the way, he’s also learned how to treat people properly. He has a loyal customer base and pays attention to simple things like returning phone calls promptly and following through with his clients’ requests.

When a new client approached him one day with an idea for a rubber extrusion product, he was happy to help. The young man had big visions. He dreamed of his own manufacturing facility that would supply some of the world’s largest users of his unique product. Dave provided his expertise and made subtle changes to the prototype. These refinements made it less costly to make and more robust. This new alliance between the young entrepreneur and the experienced engineer blossomed over the next few years into an enjoyable, mutually rewarding friendship. Each in their own way helped the other to higher levels of creativity and productivity. Eventually the young entrepreneur’s dream was realized. Because of his larger vision and persistence, he secured several exclusive multimillion dollar contracts. All along he stayed in touch with Dave for advice.

As his business grew, so did Dave’s. One day, reflecting on his incredible success, he made an important phone call that would enrich their special relationship even further. He offered Dave a percentage of all his future profits. It was his way of saying, “Thank you for believing in me, for helping me get started and for pushing me through the tough times.”

All excellent relationships have a starting point. Often the first few interactions are not memorable. However, you soon develop a good feeling about the other person. Maybe it’s his integrity, enthusiasm, positive attitude, or just that he does what he says he is going to do. A bond develops, and each new step strengthens the relationship further, making it more and more special.

Do you get the picture? When you review in detail how you developed your best relationships, it provides a unique process for creating bigger and better future relationships. Knowing what works and what doesn’t work will help you avoid costly mistakes that create a Downward Spiral. The good news is, you can apply this template for excellent relationships to any area of your life. It works for personal and family relationships as well as for professional and business alliances.

Develop the habit of constantly reviewing your Double Spirals—use them to protect you from any negative downward pull, and to guide you into the positive world of truly special and loving relationships.

Jack:

I learned a lot about building business relationships from author and speaker Ivan Misner. Ivan wrote a book called Networking Like a Pro. He taught me something called visibility, credibility, and profitability. When most people are building business relationships, they try to turn them into profitable relationships too quickly. What’s important to know is you have to first be in a state where you meet people. That’s why networking and going to association meetings, clubs, chambers of commerce, and to church and so forth are all great ways to be visible.

That’s something Larry Benet taught me. He’s a connection expert. He says, “Whenever you meet someone–it doesn’t matter who it is–ask them, “What’s the one or two most important projects you’re working on right now?” (You can also ask them what are the top two initiatives or challenges you’re facing.) “How could I help you?” Then if they tell you something you could actually do, go ahead and do it. Send them an article. Connect them with somebody who can help them. Spend some time coaching them or whatever it might be. Now you’ve created credibility. You are a credible resource in their life. If you approach that person three months later and ask them for a favor (Could you introduce me to someone? Would you be willing to give me an endorsement? Would you be on my board of advisors?), there’s a relationship already established that you can build on. I don’t think I knew that ten years ago. My attitude was, “We’re all in the business of doing business; let’s get on with it.” You must create a relationship first. I think that’s a big piece. Ask the questions, “What are you focusing on? How can I help you?” and then deliver real value. If you are not doing this, then start as soon as possible; otherwise you may be missing out on some of your best business opportunities.

Say “No” to TOXIC People

Before we move on, please heed this important advice—avoid toxic people! Unfortunately, there are a few people out there who see the world as one big problem, and in their eyes you’re part of it. You know the type. No matter how well things are going, they focus on the nitpicking little negative details. And they do it constantly. It’s a habit that totally destroys relationships. One blast of negative energy from their lips can erase that smile on your face permanently. These people are poisonous to your health. You need a long-range antenna to keep them outside your boundaries at all times.

You may be thinking at this point, “Easier said than done. Do you mean if my friend, who I’ve known for years, is always complaining about his job and how awful things are financially, and nobody wants to help him out, that I should just turn and walk away when he talks like this?” No—run! As fast as you can, and as far as you can. His constant negativity will drain the life out of you.

Now please understand, we’re not talking about someone who has a genuine challenge and needs real help. We’re referring to those chronic whiners who take great pleasure in dumping all their negative garbage on your plate at every opportunity. They also inform you, with a not-so-subtle cynicism, that you can’t do this and you can’t do that, especially when you have a really great idea. They delight in bursting your positive bubble. It’s the highlight of their day. Don’t put up with it anymore.

Here’s where the real power is: It’s always your choice. You can choose the type of people you want in your life. And you can choose to pursue new opportunities. Maybe you just need to make some better choices. It’s that simple. If it means letting a few people go, well, you’ll get over it. In fact, take a close look now at your present relationships. If someone is dragging you down all the time, make a decision. Let go and move on.

Here’s an interesting voicemail message we heard of from Pastor Henry Schorr:

“Thanks for calling. I’ve been away making changes in my life. Please leave a message. If you don’t hear back from me, you are one of the changes. Enjoy your day!”

The Three Big QUESTIONS

Now that you’ve had a chance to understand your Double Spiral, and an opportunity to clean house regarding the negative people in your life, here’s another great strategy that will benefit you immensely. It’s called the Three Big Questions.

Business mogul Warren Buffet is one of the best-known and most successful investors in the world today. His company, Berkshire-Hathaway, has grown from a few private clients with modest holdings to a multibillion-dollar enterprise. Mr. Buffet is famous for careful analysis and for investing in long-term opportunities. He rarely sells his stock after making an investment. His intensive preparation includes a thorough analysis of the numbers, especially the company balance sheet. If these are to his liking, he spends considerable time meeting key people in the organization, getting to know how they run the business. He observes their philosophy and how they treat their staff, suppliers and clients. When he has these tasks completed, Buffet asks himself three questions concerning the key people: “Do I like them? Do I trust them? Do I respect them?”

If any one of these questions results in a “No,” the deal is off. It doesn’t matter how good the numbers look, or the potential for growth. These three simple, powerful questions are the foundation for Warren Buffet’s relationships. Adopt them as your own. They will ultimately determine how rich you become.

A few years ago, Buffet was the wealthiest man in America. He recently relinquished this title to Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft. It’s interesting to note that despite the age gap, these two phenomenally successful entrepreneurs are close friends. Who you hang around with does make a difference.

The next time you are about to enter into an important business or personal relationship with people you don’t know very well, do your homework first. Look for clues that demonstrate their integrity, honesty and experience. Watch how they treat other people. Little details will offer big insights: Are they in the habit of saying “Please” and “Thank you,” especially to people in service positions, such as waiters and waitresses, bellhops and cab drivers? Are they down-to-earth with others, or do they have a need to impress people? Take sufficient time to digest their overall behavior before you make a commitment. And always refer to the Three Big Questions. Pay attention to your intuition. That gut feeling will guide you. Don’t let your heart rule your head. When we are too emotionally involved, we often make bad decisions. Give yourself time to think before rushing into any relationship. Look at this another way: Why would you choose to build relationships with people you don’t trust, don’t respect or don’t like? Going ahead when your instinct is telling you not to is a formula for disappointment or even disaster.

There are lots of excellent people out there to enjoy your valuable time with. So whether it’s marriage, a business partner or hiring a sales team, choosing the right people is critically important to your future health and wealth. Choose carefully.

The true joy in life comes from spending time with people
who constantly inspire, nourish, and replenish your soul

Core Clients and THE DOUBLE WIN

The next step in developing the habit of Excellent Relationships is learning to nourish your most valuable relationships in a win-win atmosphere. A lot has been written and spoken about the philosophy of win-win. In our experience, most of it is just surface talk. Win-win is essentially a philosophy of how you live your life. In business, win-win means having a genuine concern for the other person; that they win as much as you do, whether it’s a sale, employee contract, negotiation or important strategic alliance.

Sadly, the attitude of many people in business has been to grind every last cent out of every situation. These so-called guerrilla tactics cause a lack of trust, cynicism, questionable ethics and a high level of anxiety in the marketplace. The result is win-lose. On the other hand, win-win doesn’t mean giving the farm away every time you make a deal. That’s lose-win, with the other person receiving too much, which could eventually put you out of business.

There’s also another category called lose-lose. This happens when both parties are too stubborn or too egotistical to create a winning solution. A common example is contract negotiations between management and unions. If a stalemate occurs, the eventual result may be a long, drawn-out strike where nobody really wins.

In your personal life, win-win is the foundation for warm, loving relationships. It’s a husband wanting to create a win for his wife and family. He’s willing to pitch in and do an equal share of household duties and help with the children’s extracurricular activities, especially when his wife is also working full time. Win-win is a wife giving solid support to her husband as he strives to build a new business or start a new career, and is willing to accept a few sacrifices along the way. Win-win is giving to your community, being an outstanding neighbor and being less self-centered. For win-win to really work, you must practice it every day. This takes time, and challenges you to make a serious commitment to building these important alliances.

Now let’s look at another crucial element in growing your business—building excellent Core Client Relationships.

Your core clients are people at the heart of your business. They buy from you consistently and are a main source of revenue. They are also happy to provide excellent referrals for new business, because they genuinely love your products and outstanding service.

Amazingly, many people today don’t even know who their core clients are. Core clients are your passport to future growth. Unfortunately, these important relationships are often taken for granted. The attitude is, “She always orders two thousand units every month. We need to focus on new business.”

Not every deal is worth saving

New business is important. Staying in touch with your best clients is more important. It’s a lot more difficult to find new customers than it is to keep and serve your old customers.

Also, be aware of the time you spend on people who are peripheral clients. The word peripheral is worth noting. It means at the outer edge, unimportant or not worth mentioning. Another term is dispensable. Do you have any peripheral clients in your business? If you’re not sure, here’s how you can spot them. They commonly take a lot of your time and energy and give you very little business in return. Sometimes they give you no business at all. But they will question you on every little detail, and they’ll place unreasonable demands on your time. Of course, you may not want to turn any business away from your door. But what is it costing you in time and energy to dabble in minor results? Some deals just aren’t worth the effort.

Let’s look back to your core clients. There’s one critical element you need to understand about these people. You don’t ever want to lose them. Here’s the big question. How much real time do you spend with your most important core clients?

This is worth studying. Our research indicates that very little time is allocated to core clients. Consequently, these relationships never mature to their full potential. On the bottom line, that means a lot of money is squandered.

Now that you know who these important people are, pay more attention to them. The long-term rewards are well worth the effort. Your business will increase, and you’ll also minimize the likelihood of losing any of these top clients to your competitors.

Now let’s take a look at your most important personal relationships. These include family and friends, mentors, spiritual advisers and anyone who is special in your life outside of the business world. Again, think carefully about who qualifies to be on this unique list of core people. Then write down their names. If you are tempted to skip over this exercise, stop! Procrastination is your greatest enemy. Don’t put off your better future. Do each step as soon as you finish reading this chapter. Remember, this book is a work in progress. By the time you finish it you will have kick-started many of these exciting new habits. Your life will be richer and eminently more satisfying. Take a close look at this list and review the amount of time you spend with these people. Is it sufficient? Do you enjoy quality time, or just a few seconds on the telephone? Who else do you spend your personal time with? Are they robbing you of time that would be better spent developing your core relationships? If you answered “Yes” to this last question, what are you going to do about it? Maybe it’s time to say “No” to those people who distract you every day. They’re not on your most-important-people list, so why are they stealing your time? From now on, protect your family time and personal time. Be polite but firm.

We briefly mentioned win-win as it relates to the people in your life. It’s important to really understand what this means. Bestselling author Stephen Covey provides a good analogy. He says you should treat your most important relationships like a bank account. For example, the more deposits you make in your core relationships’ bank account, the stronger these associations become. In the process you become more valuable to these people.

Normally, money is what you deposit at the bank. However, with your core relationships you can make a variety of deposits. With your core clients in business, you will probably offer special services and all those little extras that define you as unique. These may include golf outings, dinners or special trips. Other healthy deposits include allocating time to share ideas or advising how to handle certain challenges. Maybe you consistently provide good referrals to expand their business. Sometimes it’s making them aware of a great book, or emailing an article about their favorite pastime or hobby. You could also connect them to people who have a unique service or product. The more you know about the people on your core client list and core personal list, the more you can help them. And the true spirit of win-win means that you make these deposits unconditionally. In other words, don’t give to get something back. Just experience the sheer joy of giving.

If you don’t already have one, create an information file for every one of your core clients and core personal relationships. Find out everything you can about these individuals. Include their likes and dislikes, favorite restaurants, birthdays, anniversaries, kids’ names, favorite hobbies, sports and pastimes.

Business guru Harvey MacKay, the founder and chairman of the $100 million Mackay Mitchell Envelope Company in Minnesota, calls his information file the MacKay 66, because there are sixty-six questions that his sales team asks to gain an in-depth knowledge of every important client. Most people don’t keep files like this because they are not really serious about win-win. It takes considerable time and effort to cultivate highly successful relationships. It means that you will often be required to go the extra mile. This way of living gradually becomes your new normal behavior. You do it without thinking. When win-win behavior becomes truly embedded in your everyday life, the floodgates of opportunity will open up for you like never before. You will indeed be richer for it, and we don’t just mean financially.

Les:

Here’s a humorous win-win story that shows preparation pays off:

A wealthy, outgoing Texan was visiting Dublin, Ireland, for the first time and was keen to experience the local social scene and make a few friends. It was Saturday evening and he walked into a corner pub that seemed lively. The place was packed with lots of Guinness being quaffed by the thirsty locals.

Wanting to engage with people and impress them, too, the Texan loudly announced that he would give one thousand Euros to the first person who could drink ten pints of Guinness, one after the other. Nobody responded. In fact, one man beside him walked out of the pub. The Texan was dumbfounded because he knew the Irish were famous for the ability to “hold their drink.”

Fifteen minutes later, after sitting alone at the bar, he felt a tap on his shoulder. When he turned around, a little Irishman, about seventy years old, asked him, “Excuse me sir, is the bet still on?” The Texan said, “It most certainly is.” The word went quickly around the bar that old Mickey Malone had accepted the bet. The barman carefully set up ten pints of Guinness on the counter. Mickey rubbed his hands together and went to work. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven pints—a quick breath—eight, nine—his audience was now urging him on, cheering, yelling and stamping their feet—and finally, ten. He did it! The crowd exploded in a roar that could be heard two blocks away.

The Texan, duly impressed, peeled off ten crisp one hundred Euro notes, and stopped as he reflected momentarily. “Say, weren’t you the fella that walked out of the pub when I announced the bet?” Mickey looked at him, rather sheepishly, and said, “Yes, sir.” “Well, why did you leave?” the tourist asked. “Oh, I just went over to the pub across the street to see if I could do it first!”

. . . And Then SOME

Win-win is a great way to live, and true friendships take time to mature. Value the ones you have and do whatever it takes to make them even richer. Here’s a powerful strategy that will make it easy. It’s called the And Then Some technique.

Let’s say you want to expand an important personal relationship with your husband or wife. If you are not married, you can apply this technique to almost any meaningful relationship, so adapt it accordingly. In fact, pick someone you’d like to enjoy a deeper level of friendship with. To show you how it works, we’ll use the husband and wife example.

Imagine it’s the end of the week, and David the good husband has arrived home from work. His equally good wife Dianne has dinner ready, and they both enjoy an excellent meal. David compliments her and then poses the following question: “Dianne, on a scale of one to ten (one being pathetic and ten being wonderful), how would you rate my performance as a husband during the last week?” This is a serious question. Dianne reflects for a moment and says, “I’d give you an eight.”

David accepts the answer without comment, and asks the And Then Some question: “What would I have needed to do to make it a ten?”

Dianne answers, “Well, I would have really appreciated you helping John with his homework on Wednesday. I was under pressure to be at my computer class by 7 pm, and I felt guilty leaving without him being looked after properly. Also, you promised to repair the tap in the bathroom this week. It’s still dripping. I’d really like it fixed, please.” David simply says, “Thank you, I’ll be more attentive next time.”

Then the roles are reversed. When Dianne asks David to give her a score out of ten, David awards her a nine. Now it’s her opportunity to ask the And Then Some question. “How could I have scored a ten?”

David gives her sincere feedback. “You were great, but there was one little thing. Remember you promised to record the football game for me when I was away Monday and Tuesday? I know it just slipped your mind, but I was looking forward to watching the highlights when I got home. I was really disappointed.” Dianne listens, offers an apology and makes a commitment to record requests like this in her daily planner.

Before you say, “That sounds great, but it would never work for me,” stop and think. You’re right, very few people use the And Then Some technique, and even fewer do it on a weekly basis. The most common excuses are, “I’m too busy,” “That’s silly,” or “Get real, my husband (or wife, or friend) would never agree to that.”

Be totally open to feedback

Here’s what these well-worn excuses are really saying: “My partner and I are not open to feedback, because our relationship has not matured to that level.” Regularly giving and receiving honest feedback is one of the best ways to enrich your marriage, friendship or business relationships. It’s the hallmark of human beings who have a high level of awareness and a unique sensitivity to the needs of others. Because of this maturity they enjoy honest, open and fulfilling alliances with the most important people in their lives. You can also use this technique with your children and other family members. Your kids will tell you the real story—they don’t pull any punches!

By asking a few simple questions every week, you can learn more about yourself from people who care enough to give you honest feedback. Instead of becoming defensive like most people, accept the information as a gift. It will help you become more genuine and trustworthy.

And Then Some means you are willing to learn more, do more, and put more into the relationship because it’s important to you. In the process, both parties are rewarded and strengthened. Consider the benefits of applying the And Then Some technique in your professional life. If you own the company, you could ask your key people, “On a scale of one to ten, how do you rate me as a boss? What can I do to become better—to rate a ten?” Managers could do the same with their sales or administrative teams. What about your core clients? Here’s a great opportunity to understand the strengths and weaknesses of your business, and how to improve those areas that are not performing well. Remember, your core clients may also include suppliers, or your outside support team.

If this technique is new to you, the first few attempts may be awkward or uncomfortable. That’s normal. Any new habit takes a lot of practice and perseverance before it finally clicks. Hearing the truth from people you respect and love also takes some getting used to. Sometimes the truth hurts; you may need to swallow your pride a few times in order to enjoy the future benefits. One other note here—if you are giving critical feedback, always do this in private. On the other hand, give praise in public. People need and enjoy well-deserved recognition of any kind. Simply stated, criticize in private; praise in public.

MARK:

Here’s what I’ve learned regarding family life, and I’ve had to learn this the hard way before being able to implement it on a regular basis.

To prevent important relationships from falling apart, it really helps if you can sit down together, eyeball to eyeball, soul to soul and heart to heart, and communicate clearly. Both people must be open-minded; they’re not trying to not be in a relationship. They want to be in it and make it work, that’s what the decisive power is, the commitment to make it work. In my previous marriage, I got addicted to work and I started thinking I was the most important guy in the world. Boy, do I know different now! I know how important I’m not. I mean, I can put my fist in a bucket of water, pull it out, and the water doesn’t know my fist was there! Make sure your ego doesn’t overrule your heart. This approach also helps in solving business relationships that need repair, especially in partnership situations.

remember, for things to change

You’ve Got To Change.

In this next section we will introduce a powerful formula that can be life-changing for you. As authors of this book, we have all been blessed with great people who have guided us, inspired us and corrected us on our journey in business, as well as in our own personal relationships.

There are two ways you can approach building a successful life. You can either decide to go it alone and be a controlling individualist, or you can decide to have other people give you some assistance. The first option requires a lot of trial and error. You will learn the hard way, take your fair share of bumps and bruises, and maybe ultimately get what you want . . . or not!

The second option is where you use strategic leverage to help you avoid some of life’s difficult detours. How? By finding people who will be willing to mentor you. Over many years, our own success was accelerated by the expertise provided by wonderful people. We encourage you to pay particular attention to what you are about to read next. It can save you years of trial and error.

How to Find Great
MENTORS

Surrounding yourself with well-chosen mentors can dramatically change your life. A mentor is someone with vast experience or a unique talent, who is willing to share ideas with you on a regular basis. You, as the mentee, the recipient of this great information, have a responsibility to use it wisely by furthering your career and financial status or by enhancing your personal or family life. It’s like a teacher-student relationship, except that you have the benefit of one-on-one tutoring. And the big bonus is that you normally don’t pay for any of the lessons. What a deal!

Here’s a proven three-step method to help you enjoy the considerable advantages of mentorship:

1. Identify the target.

Select one specific area of your life that you want to improve. There may be several, but for the purpose of getting started, choose only one. Here are a few ideas—growing your business, sales, marketing, hiring excellent people, preparing financial statements, learning new technology, investment strategies, accumulating wealth, eliminating debt, eating and exercising for optimum health, being an excellent parent, or doing effective presentations.

2. Select your mentor candidates.

Think about someone who is exceptionally experienced or talented in the area you have selected for improvement. It could be someone you know personally, or it could be a leader in your industry. Maybe it’s someone who is recognized as a top authority on this topic—a well-known writer, speaker or celebrity. Whoever it is, make sure he or she has a proven track record and is truly successful.

3. Create your strategic plan.

If you don’t already know the whereabouts of your proposed mentor, how are you going to locate this unique individual? And when you do, how will you make contact? The first thing to realize is that you are probably never more than six people away from anyone you want to meet, including your new mentor. That’s exciting to know—treat it like a game. There may be six doors you need to open before you have all the information you need. Who could open the first door for you? Proceed from there, and keep asking. You’ll be surprised how quickly the other doors open up once you put the word out.

You may be looking at the name of your proposed mentor and second-guessing yourself with thoughts like, “I don’t even know this person and she certainly doesn’t know me. And if she did, she probably wouldn’t give me any of her valuable time.” Stop right there! The following story is big proof that finding and contacting mentors is well within your capabilities.

Les:

One of our clients, an ambitious, proactive young woman named Ashley Meszaros, was struggling in her new business. She had launched a telephone answering service called We An-Ser Communications and soon realized there was a lot more to running this business than she had initially contemplated. Despite having made a significant financial investment in professional equipment, she had no trained staff and had never been in sales before. Her previous job working as a safety officer in a local company had, as she puts it, “become stale.” She had also remortgaged her home to finance the telephone equipment and her husband, Mike, was also changing careers.

However, Ashley is a go-getter who doesn’t stand still for long. She realized she needed help, unlike many other entrepreneurs, those rugged individuals who steadfastly resist the thought of surrendering to anyone else’s expertise. That’s when she hired me as an executive coach. I suggested she find a mentor, someone experienced in her industry, who could help her avoid a lot of unnecessary trial and error. This immediately struck a chord, as she knew someone who ran a similar business. After providing a little instruction on the best way to contact this person, I encouraged her to make the call. This new potential mentor had built a very successful business over many years and had experienced just about every situation imaginable as her company grew. She also lived almost a thousand miles away so there were no concerns about competing with each other.

When Ashley called, the woman immediately said she’d be happy to help. They arranged to have a regular call on the first Wednesday of each month at 1:30 pm. In order not to waste time, Ashley emailed her some questions a few days before calling. The impact was immediate. Ashley says, “After the first call, I couldn’t sleep for a week! I had so many great ideas from my new mentor. And I followed through on all of them. She really helped me with sales tips, presentation skills, hiring staff, setting up special accounts, preparing proper fee schedules, handling difficult customers and running an efficient office. And she didn’t charge me a cent!”

Over several months their relationship became closer and Ashley was able to pass on some of her own ideas that were welcomed and proved valuable. A true WIN-WIN was established.

It all started with that one phone call. So let’s analyze how you can enjoy similar success. The most important thing is to be sincere. Sincerity goes a long way in helping you get what you want in life. Here’s what Ashley said when she first got through on the telephone, “Hello, Mrs. Armstrong (not actual name), would you consider being my mentor. All that would mean is spending ten minutes on the phone with me once a month, so I could ask you a few questions. I’d really appreciate it. Would you be open to that?”

When you ask that closing question, the answer will usually be “Yes” or “No.” If it’s “Yes,” control your excitement and ask another question. “When would be a good time to call you in the next few weeks?” Then confirm a specific time for your first mentor meeting. Follow up with a handwritten “thank you” note right away.

If the answer is “No,” politely thank the person for their time. Depending on how firm the refusal was, you could ask if it would be okay to call back at a more convenient time to reconsider your request. Otherwise move to plan B—call the next person on your list.

Let’s review the key elements in the phone call. First, get right to the point. Busy people appreciate this. Don’t socialize. Stick to a well-prepared script using a relaxed conversational tone. It only takes a minute. Also, it is important to control the conversation. Say what you want to say, ask the closing question and then shut up. At this point, you allow your potential new mentor to speak. If you follow this sequence, your success ratio will be high. Here’s why: First of all, when you ask someone to be a mentor, it is the ultimate compliment. Second, they are rarely asked. And if you do it with total sincerity, having reminded them of their own earlier challenges, you will often receive a positive response.

Before you make the call, it’s useful to have as much information as possible. If you don’t know the person, go on the Internet and do some research. Find out about their role in the business. Use social media also to further your search.

Remember, you can have several mentors. You can select people for any area of your life that you want to improve. They may live in another city or country, or they may be half an hour’s drive away. So get started and have fun. These unique relationships can dramatically accelerate your progress. Trial and error is one way to gain experience, but it’s hard work figuring everything out on your own. Tapping into other people’s successful formulas and adapting their ideas is a lot smarter. It’s usually who you know that opens up the doors for bigger and better opportunities. Treat it like a “connect-the-dots” game. Successful people are well-connected. Simply follow their moves. To help you further, you will find a step-by-step Action Plan for Developing Mentor Relationships at the end of this chapter.

Making yourself bulletproof

Now we want to share with you another important building-block in developing the habit of Excellent Relationships. It’s called Building Your Own Fortress. The definition of a fortress is a structure that is impregnable, a sanctuary or a place of refuge. Within a fortress you are protected from the storms of business and life. Here’s how you can build one.

It’s like building a championship football or hockey team. Each player has a role to play, and the team is only as good as its weakest member. The team is molded by the coach. He or she is at the center of the action. The combination of uniquely gifted team players and a coach who can create and implement a successful game plan produces triumphant winners.

Consider yourself as the coach. Two major questions you need to address at this point in your life are, “Who is on my team?” and “Do they perform at the level I require to achieve my dreams and goals?” This is all about setting very high standards so that you can enjoy a lifestyle that gives you total freedom, ongoing prosperity and a unique sense of worth. When you need help, you’ll have the best people to assist you. This is an ongoing process, not a quick fix.

Here’s how it works: Take a close look at your important relationships—the people who support and help you throughout the year. Separate them into two main categories: business/career and personal. Make a list of these important people. In your business/career list, examples would include your banker, lawyer, accountant, bookkeeper, tax specialist, suppliers, financial adviser, management staff, sales team, administrative staff, personal assistant and secretary/receptionist. In the personal category, the range is much broader: doctor, chiropractor, medical specialist, massage/physiotherapist, personal fitness trainer, nutritionist, dentist, dermatologist, financial consultant, hairstylist, dry cleaner, plumber, electrician,
travel agent, realtor, insurance agent, car dealer, tailor, gardener, home help, babysitter and anyone else whose expertise you might need.

Obviously you don’t interact with all of these people every week. The question is, when you do require their help, do they consistently do a brilliant job for you? Sometimes the person you select doesn’t do a very good job. To avoid this, take time to check the person’s history. Brilliant people do brilliant work. They do it on time and they do it consistently. They make you feel good in the process, and they charge a fair price. These are people you can always rely on to get the job done right.

How many don’t deserve to be on your team because their performance is not good enough? Be totally honest. How many gaps are there on your team? This is easy to determine. These are the times you rush to the Internet hoping to find someone at the last minute. Often the person you select doesn’t do a very good job because you didn’t have time to check their background and references.

From now on, don’t make decisions “on the run.” And don’t tolerate sloppy workmanship, tardiness, exorbitant pricing or any sort of hassle that will create more stress in your life. You don’t need that. Go online for references or ask your friends. Do your homework. Do the research. Be patient, and gradually surround yourself with a first-class team of people who will make your life joyful and rich beyond measure. Start right away. You’ll be amazed at how this will transform your relationships.

Insights

What we’ve realized more than ever in business is that relationships take time to blossom. A lot of people don’t understand this. They tend to focus on the deal, closing the sale and moving on. In personality profiling, they are classified as hunters not nurturers. Hunters are important. They are keen to get out there and do what it takes to secure a sale. Nurturers take the long-term approach because they want to develop long-term business. The ideal would be a combination of both. What hat do you wear in this arena? Do you need to shift your focus or make any adjustments?

Cultivating “champions” in the business world takes time. These are people who will become your greatest door openers, who can lead you to amazing opportunities. Be patient; keep adding value to them and the rewards will eventually flow. Make sure you study the WIN-WIN section in this chapter.

The same principles apply for creating excellent relationships at home. Here’s a tip: If you want a strong marriage, work at it every day. That’s even more important as the relationship gets older. Always be on guard against the scourge of broken relationships—complacency! And if you want a further incentive—divorce these days can be very, very expensive. Some people never recover financially, never mind from the emotional scars.

To sum it all up, pay more attention to the important people in your life. Create time for them regularly and be sincerely interested in their needs and wants. The payoff is huge and making money is a very small part of it. In the next chapter you’ll learn all about building and maintaining a high level of confidence—an essential ingredient for long term success.

“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication and the foundational principle that holds
all relationships together.”

—Stephen R. Covey

Action Steps

Make sure you complete these exercises. If you skip over them, you’re probably not serious about developing excellent relationships. Don’t sell yourself short. Make the effort now to learn about yourself and the impact you have on other people.

1. The Double Spiral

FAILED RELATIONSHIPS—Mentally revisit a significant relationship that didn’t work out. Starting at number one, identify each step in the process that caused the relationship to fall apart. Be specific.

EXCELLENT RELATIONSHIPS—Mentally revisit one of your greatest relationships. Starting at number one, identify each step in the process that caused this excellent relationship to expand.

2. Identifying Core Clients

Write down the names of your ten most important business relationships. These are the people who bring you most of your sales and income. They love your products and service. They give you repeat business and are happy to refer you. (Note: if you are a manager or supervisor, the team of people you look after would be part of your core client list.) Please take sufficient time to think about this. These people are the building blocks to your better future. Treat them well! The most important people are your core clients. The word core means at the center, the heart or essence of anything valuable.

Now record how much time you spend with each of these people in a typical month. What does this tell you? What adjustments do you need to make?

1. 6.

2. 7.

3. 8.

4. 9.

5. 10.

developing mentor relationships

What specific areas of expertise do you want to improve?

1. Check the most important

Expanding My Business
Sales and Marketing
Health and Fitness
Hiring Excellent People
Balanced Lifestyle
Financial Strategies
Communication Skills
Developing Strategic Alliances
Eliminating Debt
New Technology
Parenting
Other ___________________________________________________________
Other ___________________________________________________________

2. List the top three areas of expertise you want to improve, and name two possible mentors for each.

3. From the list above, select the most important area you want to work on right away, and your preferred mentor. ___________________________________________________________

4. Take a sheet of paper and use the example on pages 145-146 to create your own script for your first contact. Practice on the phone with a friend. Rework this until it begins to flow.

Now Pick a Time and Date and Make the Call.

If you are not able to speak to the person right away, keep calling until you do connect. Persistence really pays off. Remember, just one excellent mentor relationship can help you jump to a whole new level of confidence and awareness.