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AT HOME

Home is where the heart is.

—Pliny the Elder (AD 23–79), Roman author

Dear Mary,

I like the word “home” partly because it has Nordic roots. The Danish equivalent is “hjem” and it just means where we live. It’s a small word for something that means so much. For many of us, the word “home” represents the place where we grew up. If you’ve ever been away and been “homesick” then you know what a powerful feeling you can have about your particular spot on earth. The fact that the quote above was written by a man in toga times shows yet again how little humans have really changed over the centuries. Of course, it’s worth bearing in mind that Pliny never married or had children so he may not have known what a noisy, crowded place a home can be.

Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz knew that there was “no place like home” and ideally it’s the place where everyone should be at their most relaxed. This might lead you to think that it is the one location where you don’t need to worry about manners. In fact the opposite is true. The people with whom you share your living space are those with whom you live most intimately, whether it’s your family or your room- or housemates. You need to respect each other and be thoughtful, or pretty soon everyone will be wishing they lived alone. How and where you live changes as you grow, but the basics apply throughout your life. Even if you do live alone you are unlikely to escape having neighbors and certain rules still help everyone get along.

Some homes are more packed with people than others, but everyone is entitled to some privacy. What you’ll find is if you allow your nearest and dearest a little private space then they are more likely to do the same for you. We all have moments when we would like to be alone so there are some simple ways forward. Ideally you start with having respect for . . .

THE FAMILY HOME

1. Each other

It’s the old “do as you would be done by” leitmotif of manners. Parents often go on about wishing their children had more respect, but it may be that they haven’t considered what a two-way street that is. Respect is something you earn. Losing your temper and shouting at those you live with is rarely a good way forward. Very little is ever achieved. Be thoughtful and attentive to everyone in the home and you will find that they will be thoughtful and attentive back. That means parents listening to the kids as well as vice versa.

That doesn’t mean the kids shouldn’t consider . . .

2. Age and experience

Annoying, I know, but quite often people who have been around for a few years have learned a thing or two. Advice from parents or grandparents might be worth listening to. If you are a younger person living at home, then consider what is being provided for you at little or no cost to you.

If you want more control of how a home runs then ask for a meeting, or plan towards the day when you have your own home.

3. The private space

Everyone has a place where they keep private things. It might be a small box with keepsakes, a moneybox, a diary, or a desk. No matter how tempted you are to take a peek you need to hold back or you will soon find your own possessions being rummaged through by other people. Private space includes letters. The post is addressed to an individual for a reason—it’s personal. You should only read letters if they are addressed to you or you have been asked to. Postcards are fair game or they would be in an envelope.

4. The closed door

If someone has closed a door in the house and is on the other side, they probably did it on purpose. Perhaps they need a moment in the bathroom, perhaps there is a bedroom activity taking place that is none of your business, or, amazingly, they just may want a quiet moment to think. Knock and wait till you are asked to come in.

A WHISPERED WORD ABOUT EAVESDROPPING

THIS IS A wonderful old word. It comes from the term “eavesdrip,” which was the bit of land around a house where rain dropped from the edge of the roof. Some Anglo-Saxon houses had a small hole called an “eavesdrop” where homeowners could overhear the conversation of anyone standing close to their house. Standing around the eaves of someone’s place and trying to listen in was punishable by a fine. The modern equivalent is probably phone hacking. If you live in close quarters with others it is sometimes difficult to avoid eavesdropping on their business. The important thing, if you overhear something private in the family, is to not share it with the rest of the world. Don’t gossip about your own family. If you do, it opens the possibility that they may tell the world something about you that you would have preferred to keep to yourself.

LIVING WITH FRIENDS

There comes a time in some young people’s lives when they leave home in order to go and make a life away from the family. I say “some” because these days not everyone departs, but it is not uncommon to go from living at home to having to share a place with people of your own age. Even those who leave school and go straight into employment are unlikely to be lucky enough to have their own place. Sadly, the world has changed and many grown-ups have had the bad manners to wreck the financial system for the next generation. I was able to put down a deposit on my first flat when I was twenty-three, but the current estimate is that by the end of the decade the average age of a first-time buyer will be forty.

So if you can’t afford to live alone, or don’t want to, you need to find ways to get along. The basics aren’t so very different from living with your family, except that you’re probably less of a unit when you share with your pals and may live more independently than you would at home. Nevertheless you are still living within the small circle of existence with each other and you need to find a way to make that work.

1. Eat your own food

It’s actually called stealing if you take or use someone’s things without asking. The lazy person who hasn’t bothered to stock up on food deserves to be hungry. You don’t have to label every item of food. Just agree on a shelf each and leave it at that.

If you share some foodstuffs such as milk and you have used the last of it, get some more.

One of the best ways to ensure harmony in the house is to prepare and eat at least an occasional meal with everyone, or at least have the occasional trip to the pub or go on an outing together.

2. Clean up after yourself

Don’t let your plate of food go moldy just because you can’t be bothered to clean up. Unless your mother has tracked you down and moved in, you need to do your own washing-up. Do not expect that someone in your house will do it for you. Don’t leave your unwashed things in the kitchen sink so no one else can clean their own.

Try to share the housework. No one wants to do it and the cleaning fairy rarely shows up. Vacuum every so often and your housemates may do the same. Maybe make a rotation chart to ensure fairness.

You need an exceptional reason not to clear away your own trash. In 2004, Jack Kirby was an art and design student in Hertfordshire who liked Budweiser beer. Over a three-year period he drank 5,000 cans of the lager and never got rid of the empties. The reason was perfectly reasonable. He used them to build a brilliant, life-size model of a 1965 Ford Mustang. Fortunately the car has no engine so there was no risk of anyone drinking and driving.

3. Consider your noise levels

Whatever you get up to in your own room it is important to recall that you are not living by yourself. So I’m going to suggest that you don’t watch or react to porn very loudly even in your own room. This is probably not the book to suggest that if you are watching a lot of porn on your own you might want to think about that. If you have torn yourself away from watching “Cycle Sluts” or whatever, then I’m sorry there aren’t more pictures but well done for making a start. . . .

In general your extracurricular bedroom activities are not a radio show for everyone else’s enjoyment. Being forced to listen to other people’s private pleasure is the right recipe for an awkward situation. Consider whether you would enjoy listening to them. Be especially conscious of this if one of your housemates has their parents staying for the night or you will have to make the walk of shame in the morning.

You may find it hilarious to come in early in the morning drunk and noisy, but someone else may have an exam or deadline the next morning.

4. Don’t let irritation get out of hand

Living with people who are not your family can be a huge adjustment. They may have become used to very different ways of conducting daily life. If something bothers you, or is done in a manner you don’t care for, have a chat; do not start an argument by tiptoeing around the incident. There is nothing more tiresome, for example, than an escalating war conducted through Post-it notes on the fridge. Have a chat if something grinds your gears (isn’t that a marvelous expression?). You might save a fair amount of trees in the process, too.

5. Don’t hold a party and fail to include or inform housemates or neighbors

It’s just mean and anyway, if you’re going to make a lot of noise you’re better off having them on your side.

6. Put some pants on

No one will appreciate your nudity in the house unless you look like Ryan Gosling or Scarlett Johansson, which is really unlikely.

7. Don’t gossip about other housemates

This can lead to segregation and feelings being hurt. Consider this: if someone is gossiping with you what are they saying behind your back?

8. Communal areas are for sharing

Don’t stretch out on the sofa and then not move when others come in. Also, eating in the kitchen rather than your room is more social and you will get to know your housemates better.

9. Just a reminder about the pants

SHARING

Dealing with sharing arises no matter who you live with. Unless you live in a palace you will probably have to share quite a lot of things—the “facilities,” the television, maybe a computer or even a bedroom. From as early as the 1590s we get a sense of the word sharing meaning “to divide one’s own and give part to others.” I don’t know what they shared in the 1590s. Madrigals, perhaps. However much or little you have, sharing is a nice habit for life. As Charlotte Brontë said, “Happiness quite unshared can scarcely be called happiness; it has no taste.”

Parts of the house

As Cleopatra no doubt said to Antony, I’ll get to the bedroom later. In the meantime it’s worth having a think about the other divisions in the house.

The kitchen

It’s communal. You don’t need me to explain this in great detail. Learning to fill the dishwasher or wash up is not complicated. Take your turn.

Share appliances thoughtfully. If you need to wash your clothes and someone has left their laundry in the washing machine, put their items in a bag or the washing basket rather than placing them on the floor or the table. Don’t leave them having to wash their clothes again.

The living room

Again, not a private space. The clue is in the name. It’s where you all live. (Of course, some people call it a “lounge” or “den,” which sounds more relaxed, while others hint at the terraced nature of their property by saying the “front room.” There’s also “sitting room,” “drawing room,” and “parlor.” I think you can only use the latter when you have a deceased relative from the nineteenth century who needs laying out.) Whatever you call it, this is the room where you socialize with each other. Try and find some way to agree on how you might do that. Sharing the TV may mean occasionally having to watch Top Gear or even, heaven forbid, sports.

The bathroom

Clear the drain in the bathroom. It’s probably disgusting, but it’s also highly likely to be something disgusting that came from you.

Consider all the parts of yourself you might leave behind to the distress or discomfort of others. Toenail clippings or hairs—long ones, short ones, and the curly ones no one wants to see left behind.

The toilet

Clean up after yourself. No one wants to see someone else’s bowel movement leftovers. And be fair about the toilet paper. If you use the last piece, get a fresh roll. If you find that you are the only person buying toilet paper for the house (as it runs out quickly), leave a note or tell someone that you are running low. Give everyone fair warning (preferably before they sit down . . . ). Maybe leave an empty roll on the closed seat?

The garden and backyard

I once found a Victorian gardening book that contained the sentence “No matter how small your garden do try to devote a couple of acres to wild flowers.” Sadly, today such gardens are on the rare side. Many gardens and backyards are small and, annoyingly, next to other people’s outdoor space. This is worth bearing in mind if you decide to have a boisterous barbecue. Remember that your neighbors may not want to share the smoke from your fire or the beat of your music. It’s also worth considering how much you want fast-growing conifers to establish your boundary if they also block someone else’s light or view. Kindness. Sharing. And you never know when you might need a favor.

PREVENTING PROBLEMS

Household meeting

The worst families are those in which the members never really speak their minds to one another; they maintain an atmosphere of unreality, and every one always lives in an atmosphere of suppressed ill-feeling. It is the same with nations.

—Walter Bagehot (1826–77), Introduction to second edition of The English Constitution

Being part of a family or a shared household is a bit like being involved in running a tiny country. In our house I used to tell the kids they had been born into a dictatorship but luckily for them it was a benign one. Mary, you know that I am very interested in your opinions, but that doesn’t mean I will always agree to act on them. You’re eight and I’m . . . well, I’m not. With my family we used to check the temperature of all members of the household with a quick meeting. These are especially useful with teenagers who sometimes believe that no one listens to them and that everyone is hateful. Pre-empting a teenage rebellion is always better than finding yourself behind the barricades whistling hits from Les Misérables.

Having a regular look at how everyone is doing with the house rules helps those who live together to carry on thinking it’s a good idea. (In a household of roommates these get-togethers can be more fun if held in a pub.)

1. Set a specific time for the meeting

Maybe sit at the dining room table. Make it fun. Have some nice snacks.

2. Focus on the meeting

Turn off phones, televisions, etc.

3. Take turns being in charge

It’s nice to take even the youngest member seriously. They may surprise you with the way they run the meeting.

4. Make sure everyone has a say

If you’re the parent and don’t agree with the kids, then explain why. If you’re in a house-share remember some people are shy even if the extroverts find that annoying.

5. Check on everyone

Go around the table and find out what everyone is up to. I had three kids and a busy career. It can be hard to remember everything.

6. Finish on a positive note

Personally I think this is a good time for more snacks.

HOME SWEET HOME

THE GREAT AUSTRALIAN opera singer Dame Nellie Melba was very fond of singing “Home, Sweet Home” as an encore. In fact you can hear a recording of it on YouTube. During the First World War she toured the United States playing Desdemona in Verdi’s Otello. Her death scene was apparently magnificent and if the audience went wild enough, Dame Nellie used to get up and indicate for a piano to be wheeled to the stage, whereupon she would sit down and accompany herself while singing “Home, Sweet Home.” Once the applause had died down, she would once more collapse onto her deathbed and let poor Otello bring the whole thing to an end.

Make time for each other

Everyone seems so busy these days that even meals must be purchased ready-made to be nuked in a microwave. Take the time to prepare a meal for each other and to eat it at the table. It’s the best way to keep in touch with one another and not suddenly be surprised at a turn in the life of someone who you ought to know well. My kids and I used to call it “The Trough and Candle.” We would make dinner, light the candles, and sit down together trying to come up with a piece of information that one of us knew that the rest of the table didn’t. Some of it was most surprising.

OVERNIGHT GUESTS

Occasionally (and sometimes maddeningly) people who don’t usually live with you will want to come and stay. This may mean having people inside your home circle whom you would have preferred had stayed out. As neither the guest nor the host are used to living together, it is a good idea to have some basic rules.

Rules for the host

Unbidden guests
Are often welcomest when they are gone.

—William Shakespeare (1564–1616), Henry VI, Part 1

1. Make your guest welcome

Even if you don’t have a spare room, try to create a nice space for your guest to sleep. This may just be on the sofa but show that you have planned the sleeping arrangements before they turn up. If their stay is completely unexpected, such as someone missing the last bus and wishing to “crash” on your sofa, still try to make it seem like no trouble. Do your best to offer fresh bed linens, see if you can find a bedside lamp, and check that they have all necessary toiletries. Having spare new toothbrushes on hand is a good plan. There is a limit to what you may wish to share with even the most welcome visitor. It may be bad enough that they are staying at all—you don’t want them having bad breath in the morning as well. Freeing up a drawer for them to put things in is nice but may encourage too long a stay.

2. Offer refreshments

Offer a drink as soon as they arrive and then show them where they can make one themselves. Sometimes even people of an excitable nature can be calmed by being able to make tea at will, especially if they are British.

3. Be clear

Let your guests know what plans you have while they are staying with you. Do you have to work? Go to class? Attend a Star Trek convention? If you can’t devote yourself full time to their care, let them know. If you have to go to bed at a particular time, say so. Don’t just yawn and hope they will take the hint—but hopefully they will.

Getting rid of galling guests

Getting rid of guests who don’t take the hint is not easy. Being direct is always best but can cause trouble. The easiest method is, with regret, to stop being such a good host. Don’t make such a fuss of meals, ask them to help with clearing up, and so on. Finally, ask them what their plans are as you need to organize your schedule.

According to Elizabeth Burton in her book on Elizabethan England, hosts whose guests overstayed their sixteenth-century welcome used to play tricks on them. This included putting powdered vitriol and gall on a wet napkin, which when used stained their skin black. This seems a little extreme—not to mention the tricky part of finding vitriol and gall.

Rules for the guest

No callers should fiddle with books, pictures, albums, window-blinds, etc.

—Collier’s Cyclopaedia of Social and Commercial Information, 1882

1. Let the host know you’re coming

Just because you met someone on a cruise or hitchhiking across Australia, had a few drinks together, and promised to stay friends forever doesn’t mean they don’t need a little notice that you are going to show up.

2. Be thoughtful

Bring a gift when you arrive, and if you are staying for a little while try to notice things that are being used on a daily basis. Perhaps the host likes a particular brand of coffee that you could replace when it runs out. Be especially thoughtful about . . .

3. Privacy

All the rules that apply to privacy in your own home should be especially highlighted when you stay with someone else. There are thresholds that you shouldn’t cross. Some of them are literal—don’t go into the host’s bedroom unless specifically invited; some are metaphorical—don’t delve into their private concerns unless specifically invited.

4. Don’t treat the place like a hotel

Because it isn’t one. Try to fit in with the general household arrangements. You cannot dictate meal times or bedtimes. If you don’t like how the household is run there are places called “hotels,” which are always very clearly signposted.

5. You break it, you replace it

Simply apologize. Do not go on about it, but make every effort to replace the item.

6. Don’t overstay your welcome

It was the great American statesman Benjamin Franklin who said, “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” He was right. When Charles Dickens invited the Danish storyteller Hans Christian Andersen to stay at his home, Gad’s Hill, for two weeks in the summer of 1857 he didn’t know it would ruin the friendship. Hans overstayed his welcome by three weeks, during which time he drove the family nuts. Dickens dropped subtle hints about Hans leaving and, when he finally departed, wrote on the mirror in the guest room: “Hans Andersen slept in this room for five weeks—which seemed to the family AGES!” After that Dickens even stopped writing to his one-time Scandinavian friend. Oh dear, a story about a Dane behaving badly.

NEIGHBORS

I love you, Brad. Brad! Brad! Look out! The shark’s coming!

—Australian actress Natalie Imbruglia’s favorite line from her time as Beth Brennan on the popular Australian soap Neighbours.

You can’t choose your family or your neighbors so on the whole it’s better, if possible, to just get on with what you’ve been given.

1. Be respectful

People who live next door come in a range of types, with at one end Hitler, who behaved so badly to his neighbor Poland, and at the other Fred and Ethel Mertz in I Love Lucy, without whom Lucy and Ricky Ricardo would have had a much duller life with a lot less dancing. Most likely your own neighbors are people a bit like you. After all they live in rather similar accommodation. So think of what might annoy you—extraneous noise, garbage, poor parking, bagpipe practice, that kind of thing—and don’t do it.

2. Be kind

Keep an eye on your fellow residents, but not in a curtain-twitching sort of way. No one wants to be the person who has to say “I had no idea the man next door had been dead for three years.” Pop round and see if older locals are okay. Being neighborly is actually rather pleasant and better than living on a border with barbed wire.

3. Keep them in the loop

Let your neighbors know if you are either having a massive party or digging a bunker. Both construction work and entertainment can annoy.

4. Beware of borrowing

Sugar is fine, even hedge cutters, but make sure things are returned or trouble can simmer and explode. My father used to have bookplates that read “Never lend a book. Remember how you started your own library.”

5. Stay away from the lawyers

Once you go down the legal road you will never be at peace again. If there is a dispute, try to sort things out if you can. It’s not the Middle East. If it is the Middle East then you may be beyond my help.

THE STUDENT RETURNING HOME

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

—Mark Twain (1835–1910), American writer

I promise you, Mary, that starting out on your own is exciting. It is a time when you begin to think about how you want to live. Personally, I have never recovered from the joy of eating ice cream for supper if I feel like it. If you do it right, being a grown-up is just like being a kid but with credit cards and without people telling you off. But however exciting it is out there, in theory nothing beats coming home. If you’ve been away you may now feel quite the adult. You may feel you have changed. Be aware that you may not be the only one. Your family may have become used to using your room for something else. For everyone, yourself included, adapting to having you back may not be easy.

1. Show how grown-up you are

Now that you know how much it takes to run a place, help out a little. Offer to cook the family dinner—show off the recipes you have learned to cook by yourself. Behave like a grown-up and everyone will be so delighted they may let you be.

2. Keep your independence

You have been getting around university or college by yourself, so see if you can’t still manage on your own. Your folks are much more likely to be impressed and offer to give you a lift.

3. Do remember you are home now

It is great to come in at 4 AM in the morning, loud and boisterous from a night out, but maybe others in the house have work in the morning. Give them a break.

4. Do try to earn some money

Bear in mind how many years it’s taken your parents to bring you up. They are tired now.

Parents of students returning home

1. Be enthusiastic about tattoos

It makes them seem less attractive to the young if old people think they are great.

2. Don’t worry about your child’s new partner

They are unlikely to stay the course, but be polite to them in case they do.

3. Smile when you are patronized

You have to understand that the graduating student now knows everything there is to know and feels sorry for you. Be relieved that you no longer need to be clever.

Mary, home ought to be the place we all like best, no matter who we chose to share it with. It should be the place we recognize as being our little corner of the world. There is a lovely story about the composer Sir Arthur Sullivan, from London. It is reported that he was returning home one night from a party slightly the worse for wear, and was too befuddled to work out which was his home. He was, however, a brilliant musician, so he walked along kicking the metal foot scrapers at the base of the railings until he heard one that seemed familiar. “That’s it! E-flat,” he muttered, and went inside.

Hopefully we learn good behavior in the comfort of our own homes and take it with us out into the wider world. There is an old expression that a person may be “an angel in the street but a devil in the house.” That’s not kind to anyone. Let’s enjoy the time we spend with our loved ones. The Danes use the expression “hygge” which means to relax with loved ones, often over a meal or a drink. How nice—although it does bring us to some of the lengthiest lists of manners ever devised. Take a deep breath and join me at the table.

Much love,

Sandi