10
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
Dear Mary,
Oh dear, this is a sad bit. I’ve kept it brief, and I hope you will never need it. Ideally, one should work on a relationship when it becomes problematic. If the partnership is just a little stale, then the best idea is to see if something can be done to perk things up. Having said that, it is, of course, better to depart from failure with dignity than to stay and build further recriminations. This chapter is about all sorts of breaking up—marriage, friendship, business partnerships, and so on. You may be the breaker or the breakee (no such word, I know, but it covers the gist); either way it can all be painful and all needs managing. Sadly, you are bound to encounter matters from both sides, but let’s start with the times when you decide something is over. The first things to remember are:
1. Don’t be in a rush
You could just be irritated. Also keep in mind that after a relationship breakup comes dating again, and that can be an awful lot of effort. You will have to start holding your stomach in again and everything.
2. Consider your own part in the breakup
It’s probably not entirely one person’s fault. While you may want to tar your partner or friend with the bastard brush, consider the remote possibility that you may have used the same brush yourself.
Once you are sure this is what you want to do, consider how to tell the person you are breaking up with.
Telling the other person
1. Do it in person when possible
Ideally, this is not something to do electronically. It’s best to face the person, if only to remind yourself why you want to get away. There are exceptions. If the person has to travel a long way just to be told it is over, then using the phone would be kinder. Kindness is the key. Try and imagine it is you who is being left and how you would feel. Coming back to a shared home to find the house stripped of your loved one’s possessions with a Post-it note on the fridge saying they’ve left is not the nicest way to find out. Be brave. I had a friend who moved rather than tell her partner she wanted out. It was a very expensive and rather startling way of breaking up.
2. Allow a dignified exit
Let your former partner leave with dignity. If the breakup is a shock, then perhaps telling them in a public place like a restaurant is not the most thoughtful location.
3. Timing
Try to be nice about the time and place of the breakup. If you do it on Christmas Day or their birthday, that’s probably not a great parting gift. Linking the breakup with a day that can’t be forgotten is never kind.
4. Be calm and clear
Shouting at this stage is not helpful. Be aware that the person you are breaking up with may think everything is fine. Even if this astonishing lack of awareness about your feelings is part of why you are leaving, try to be calm.
5. Be kind
Try to remember something positive about the start of your relationship. The other person may be devastated. This is one time when it is okay to lie as you search for something positive about the past. This is a fine balancing act, since it shouldn’t be so positive that they can’t understand why you are running off. If you really want to leave, then make sure you don’t leave the possibility of a reunion in the cards.
Receiving the news
Oh Mary, if I could make it true by wishing it so, then you would only ever have relationships with nice people. In theory, when someone leaves you, the same things apply as when you leave them. Although it can be hard to feel generous towards someone who is pushing off when you don’t want them to, try to remember to be positive about the past, etc. It is not always possible at first glance to spot the brute disguised in a nice suit, and regrettably you may find yourself breaking up with someone who is not kind. It may happen that someone will break up with you who doesn’t have the decency to do it well. If you need time to think, say so. Don’t be bullied into anything. If you leave with nothing else from the relationship, at least try to keep your dignity.
Discuss:
Revenge
An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.
—Mahatma Gandhi (1869–1948), Indian leader
It’s never a very good idea, but you wouldn’t be human if you weren’t tempted. If you absolutely must have revenge, at least try to be creative about it. Consider the woman who got back at her philandering husband by distributing his much-prized wine collection to her neighbors by placing one bottle alongside their milk delivery. He was devastated, she got a very dignified revenge, and the neighbors are still talking about it. If you can’t be that ingenious then maybe it’s best to just move on.
If you live together and you are doing the leaving
1. Make a plan
Don’t suddenly leave your former lover or friend homeless. They will end up on a mutual friend’s couch and soon someone else will resent you too. Try not to be in too much of a hurry. Give your former partner time to work out what to tell people. Move slowly toward an agreement about which one of you is going to move out and when. Don’t presume you get to keep the home. If you are the one leaving the relationship you may find you are also the one leaving the home.
2. Don’t be mean
Don’t sweat the small stuff. You are starting fresh and, who knows, you might even grow to like the new situation.
If you live together and you are being left
1. Try to be practical
This is very hard if your heart is broken, so consider getting a friend to help. Just because you are in pain does not mean your former partner can walk all over you. Make sure the splitting up of the home is equitable and fair.
2. Stop fighting
It’s over. Spending more time trying to place blame is not going to help. You won’t agree anyway. Besides, there is nothing more irritating than someone you want to fight with (or who wants to fight with you) refusing to engage.
Both of you
1. Don’t tell everyone everything
There are several reasons for this, including:
2. Take a breath
If it had been a long-term relationship, take your time before getting involved with someone else or you’re bound to encounter problems.
3. Look forward
One of the exasperating things about pets or children (I have quite a list of them) is that they sometimes bind you to someone you can’t stand the sight of. You need to sort this out. Ideally, you should write down your plan—it is amazing how two people can have such different memories of the same agreement. Look what happened with Hitler and Chamberlain.
DIVORCE
Why write? Why struggle? . . . You will do no good! But if everyone lacked courage with that doubt, nothing would ever be achieved in this world.
—Caroline Norton (1808–77), British social reformer agitating for divorce
I’ve never been divorced, but that may be because, up until fairly recently, I wasn’t allowed to get married. I won’t go through the minutiae since I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you why you should leave someone—they are unkind, your overriding feeling for them is pity, you’ve found someone else, or it’s simply that they like to spend weekends dusting the coat hangers and you’ve had enough. Because humans are human and sometimes don’t get along, divorce litters history. You find it among the Egyptians and the Greeks. The Romans were rather big on divorce and even the Code of Hammurabi in ancient Babylonia laid down rules for separating married couples legally. It was probably just as an emotional ride then as it is now.
The first legal divorce in the American colonies took place on January 5, 1643, when Anne Clarke of the Massachusetts Bay Colony divorced her husband, Denis. Denis’ adultery was quite clear as he had not only moved in with another woman, but had two kids with her. Divorce laws in the US vary slightly from state to state. Up until 1969, anyone wanting to get divorced had to prove that one of the parties was at fault (adultery, desertion, cruelty, and so on). Then Californians decided you could just get divorced if you no longer liked each other. It took another forty-one years for New York to become the last state to approve and allow no-fault divorces. There is some debate about the figures, but somewhere between 40 to 50 percent of all first marriages in the US end in divorce. It’s a painful business. I like the comment by psychologist Joyce Brothers, who said, “My husband and I have never considered divorce . . . murder sometimes, but never divorce.”
At the time of writing, the current starting price for a fast divorce online is around $150. I’m not entirely sure how it works, but I imagine it’s less stressful and considerably less expensive than that entire Reformation that Henry VIII had to go through to divorce Catherine of Aragon. (Henry’s petition to the Vatican to divorce Catherine is the weightiest one in history. The actual paperwork weighed 5.5 pounds and had eighty-one wax seals hanging off of it like a beaded curtain. You can buy a replica for about $70,000 if you fancy.)
Most expensive divorces (estimates)
Alec Wildenstein’s divorce from Jocelyn Perisse
—$2.5 billion
Rupert Murdoch’s divorce from Wendi Deng
—$1.8 billion
Rupert Murdoch’s divorce from Anna Murdoch
—$1.7 billion
Bernie Ecclestone’s divorce from Slavica Ecclestone
—$1.2 billion
Adnan Khashoggi’s divorce from Soraya Khashoggi
—$850 million
That’s quite a lot of money. Before you decide that you want a divorce be certain that you really want out and not just a short break. Getting divorced is as big a step as getting married. Don’t have one of those on–off marriages, which is maddening for others.
Both parties in a divorce
1. Be discreet
If you have terrible things to say about your partner, say them to a close friend or even a therapist. You never know how these things will come back to trouble you.
2. Consider family and friends
We all invest something in the relationships of those closest to us. Understand that your nearest and dearest may be upset, too.
3. Consider the kids if there are any
No matter how unhappy a marriage, most kids don’t want their parents to divorce. If you have kids don’t use them as pawns to get back at your ex. You may be breaking up with your partner, but they are still a parent to your children who may be devastated by the split. Don’t tell your kids details that they don’t need to know.
People get divorced for all sorts of reasons
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
—Zsa Zsa Gabor (b. 1917), Hugarian-American actress and socialite with seven divorces and one annulment
1. Because of a bird
In 2001, a woman in China divorced her husband when their pet mynah bird began repeating the phrases, “I love you,” “be patient,” and “divorce,” which it had overheard from the man’s secret phone calls to his lover. Evidence from the bird was not permitted in court.
2. Because of cleanliness
In 2009, a German woman divorced her husband, Christian Kropp of Sondershausen, after fifteen years of marriage because he kept cleaning. The last straw was when he knocked down a wall and rebuilt it because he couldn’t get it as clean as he wanted.
3. Because of the mother-in-law
In 2005, a Romanian woman divorced her husband because she couldn’t stand having lunch with her mother-in-law every day.
4. Because of a broken penis extension
Grigory Toporov of Voronezh, southern Russia, had a penis extension fitted to please his wife. Unfortunately it broke off in, um, “mid-flight” and she sued for divorce.
5. Because of the world’s biggest lie
This is an apocryphal story that did the rounds on the Internet after 9/11, but it says something about being caught in a lie. It alleged that a man who worked on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Center spent the morning of September 11 at his mistress’s apartment with his phone and the television off. When he put the phone back on his wife rang. She was hysterical. “Are you okay?” she demanded. “Where are you?” He couldn’t understand her anxiety. “What do you mean? I’m in my office, of course.”
Dealing with your own ex
1. Be nice
When I was a kid in the US there were paper cups in dispensers called “Dixie cups.” These came in many colors and were a feature in bathrooms and kitchens. You used a cup and threw it away. These days this would be seen as environmentally unfriendly. Equally, having a “Dixie cup” mentality towards people is a bad idea. There must have been something about your ex that you liked in the first place. Think. Come on, really think. Anything? They left you? Okay, that does make it tougher.
2. Let them know you’ve moved on
Don’t let your ex find out you are dating again by reading it on Facebook or Twitter or hearing about it through the grapevine.
3. Don’t go out with their family
Brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers—all off limits unless you really, really want to appear on the Jerry Springer Show.
4. Consider your new relationship
Being too cozy with your ex can make your current beau very anxious. Keep this in mind if you all meet up. There is no reason to get rid of all photographic evidence of your past life, but maybe don’t have it out on the mantelpiece.
5. Don’t compare your new love to your ex
Saying what a great cook your ex was when the dinner is burning is never going to end well. According to the Roman historian Suetonius (c. AD 69–122), Tiberius, the stepson of the emperor Augustus, was forced to divorce his wife Vispania in 11 BC because she had failed to produce an heir. Tiberius then married Julia the Elder, but one day he ran into Vispania and followed her home crying, begging her for forgiveness. Augustus had to arrange for them never to meet again. This was, of course, easier in the age before Facebook.
“NICE”
EVERYONE OVERUSES THE occasional word (I’m bored with politicians wearing out the term “robust”), and I realize that I use the word “nice” quite often which is, well, odd because it’s actually not a very “nice” word. Don’t worry; it’s not Latin. It comes from twelfth-century French, meaning “careless, clumsy; weak; poor, needy; simple, stupid, silly, foolish.” From these less than attractive origins the word has had quite a journey. It began as “foolish,” two hundred years later became “fussy,” a hundred years on “precise or careful,” and finally some 600 years from the start (around 1830 if you must know) the term had been transformed into a way to claim something as kind and thoughtful. Nice.
Dealing with your partner’s ex
1. Discuss it
If you can, talk to your partner and his or her family about the relationship with the ex. Try to set some boundaries.
2. Don’t let others tell you what to do
Some couples manage the relationship with their exes very well. Don’t let other people tell you how the dynamic should function.
3. Be nice
There it is again, but, honestly, it is easier this way. If they don’t want to be nice back then at least you have the moral high ground.
4. Get used to it
Some relationships come with more baggage than others, especially if that baggage comes shaped like a child. Try to be relaxed. If someone was married for a very long time to the mother or father of their kids, they will always be in some kind of family relationship with each other. They may even remain in a relationship with other extended members of the ex’s family. (My ex and my present partner get along very well, which is good, except that I know they talk about me, which is less good.)
Don’t keep blaming your partner for having had a past. The fact is, kids come first. Never try to turn a child against either of its parents. If you say bad things about your partner’s ex to the kids it will get reported back and cause trouble.
Dealing with a couple who are breaking up
1. Don’t take sides
Honestly, you don’t want to get involved. You’ll find yourself on the phone at all hours with someone who isn’t thinking clearly.
2. Be available
Okay, maybe not too available since it can get a bit repetitive, but do try for the “being sympathetic without being partisan” approach.
3. Don’t gossip
Don’t even repeat the thing about the penis extension failure, no matter how tempting.
4. Be careful
Personally, if both parties were due to attend an event I was hosting, I’d rather call it off and avoid the issue altogether. Instead, you could speak to both of them about the best way forward.
5. Rehabilitate
When the divorce is done, find time to party (although maybe don’t invite the kids, who will be less ready to celebrate.)
Hunnish practices
Having been warned not to gossip, there remain some high profile divorce cases that even years later keep tongues wagging. When John “Stilts” Russell (who was by all accounts both heir to a lordship and a transvestite), married Christabel Hart in 1918 she refused to have sex with him because she didn’t care for it. Nevertheless, in 1921 she produced a son called Geoffrey. Stilts said he couldn’t possibly be the father and sued for divorce on the grounds of the marriage never having been consummated. Christabel claimed that the baby arrived due to her husband’s “Hunnish practices.” The case went to court and the press had a ball. Christabel won her case, set up a very successful shop in central London, and the reporting of the best bits of divorce cases was banned, with no one any clearer on what “Hunnish practices” might be. (To save you looking it up, Mary, let me assure you that not even the Internet throws any light, either.)
I expect you will break up with someone at some point in time. It’s part of the process of working out what you want and need in life. The brilliant writer Margaret Atwood once said, “a divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you.” I love being married. I hope you find someone splendid like I did to be your life partner.
Much love,
Sandi