9
LITTLE ONES
Dear Mary,
I suspect you can’t recall your own entry into the world, but all of us—rich and poor, black and white, Democrat and Republican—arrive in the same way: with no manners at all. Babies often arrive late at night; they scream incessantly and then poop all over you. As St. Augustine is said to have remarked, “Inter urinas et faeces nascimur.” Sorry, I said no Latin, didn’t I? “We are born between urine and feces,” which is not a pleasant thought for anyone.
Whatever domestic set-up they arrive in, and there are a wide variety, babies all head toward life via roughly the same route. Rather like a film from the 1950s, we are now going to imagine that intercourse has taken place and that the pregnancy is under way. (The book Manners in a Nutshell, published in 1953, doesn’t even mention pregnancy, although it does answer the important air travel question—“When the hostess is busy, may a person ask the co-pilot an emergency question?” The answer is no.)
PREGNANCY
These days working out that you are pregnant is as easy as peeing on a stick. Pregnancy tests were a little trickier in the past. Ancient Egyptian women used to have to relieve themselves first on a bag of wheat and then on one of barley. If wheat sprouted, it was a girl. If barley did, it was a boy. If both the bags remained the same (apart from being inedible), there was no pregnancy. (As it happens, women’s urine does make wheat and barley grow faster, which is not a good thought while enjoying certain cereals.)
Throughout history babies have arrived in the same amount of time and in the same manner. It has always taken about nine months and usually involved a degree of pain for the woman involved. What has changed is society’s attitude.
Those who have not been accustomed to bathing should not begin the practice during pregnancy . . . . Foot baths are always dangerous. Sea bathing sometimes causes miscarriage . . . . Women of a lymphatic temperament and of a relaxed habit of body are always injured by the bath.
—Dr. George H. Napheys, The Physical Life of Woman: Advice to the Maiden, Wife and Mother, 1872
I’m not sure to what degree we might wish to follow George’s advice today. He also recommended the application of a puppy to flat nipples in preparation for breastfeeding. What it does tell us, though, is that pregnancy has always been seen as something of a marvel and many folk are not entirely sure how to cope with it. So let’s start with some simple basics:
Never ask a woman if she is pregnant
No matter how much a woman may look pregnant, it is possible that she is either ill or fat or had a baby a while ago and has yet to regain her figure. Never inquire how pregnant someone is unless you absolutely know that they are in the club. Of course, if the woman is enormous you could find yourself in the awkward position of saying nothing and having her believe you think she is fat. The best thing to say is a simple “How are you?” This general opening leaves the woman free to direct the conversation by either replying, “Fine,” or beginning to tell you in some detail about the swelling of her ankles.
(There is a wonderful story about Winston Churchill’s best friend, F. E. Smith, the Earl of Birkenhead. It is said that he was teasing the Lord Chief Justice, Gordon Hewart, about the size of his stomach and asked him whether he was expecting a boy or a girl. “I don’t know,” replied Hewart. “If it’s a boy, I’ll call him John,” he declared, “and if it’s a girl I’ll call her Mary. But if, as I suspect, it’s only wind, I’ll call it F. E. Smith!”)
When someone tells you that they are pregnant
The first thing is to presume that they are pleased and not to ask “Did it happen on purpose?” In general it is better to let the pregnant person provide you with whatever additional information they choose. If they are not pleased or the father of the child is someone unexpected, let them offer the news. It’s not that long ago that having a child out of wedlock carried a terrible social stigma, but fortunately the world has moved on. If your friend is single, don’t ask her if she intends to “tie the knot.” Again, this is a private matter that she will share with you if she chooses. We don’t live in the 1950s.
THE PREGNANT WOMAN
Who should you tell?
If a woman has a partner with whom she is happily having the baby, then it would be odd not to tell them first. If she doesn’t tell her partner first, then perhaps they need to sit down and have a chat about more general matters. After that it depends on how quickly the couple would like the news spread. Telling the grandparents-to-be may be lovely, but they may not be able to keep it to themselves. Make sure no one important to you is left out of the circle of news and gets hurt because you didn’t think about sharing with them.
When should you tell?
Some women can’t wait to share the news while others are more cautious. The rate for miscarriages drops after the first trimester, so some mothers-to-be feel it is safer to make the announcement when they have passed the three-month mark. Some, however, may feel that they might cope better with a pregnancy loss if they already had a circle of family and friends who were in the know and would support them.
Of course, there will come a time when the pregnant woman will be so pregnant that she will appear not so much to be making new wardrobe choices as wearing an actual wardrobe. At this point who needs to be told becomes somewhat academic.
How should you tell?
This is very big news and a woman may want to consider the best way to spread the word. If the pregnancy is not welcome or a surprise, then anyone the woman tells, particularly, perhaps, the father, may need a little time to think about it. If a woman plans to tell a man by text that she is pregnant, it’s best if she makes absolutely sure she has the right number.
Dealing with a pregnant woman – hurrah for hormones
The woman will go through changes over which she has no control. Accept the whims and oddities that go with that. My then partner, six months pregnant, once woke me during a nighttime passage on a ferry in the middle of the North Sea demanding tomatoes. Trust me, I knew what was good for me, and I found some. Princess Diana, while visiting a Cornish fish market in 1989, revealed, “Everyone was pleased when William was born. I love fish, particularly kippers. I ate them all the time when I was pregnant. They made the house stink . . . ”
A few other basics:
1. Be cheerful
Those people who are already parents and are at the stage where they are not getting enough sleep may be tempted to declare, “Well, that’s the end of any good times for you.” This is unfair. Let the newly pregnant person enjoy this moment and discover for themselves that this is the end of good times. If everyone knew the truth about bringing up kids there would be no babies at all. If you have had a baby yourself, now is not the time to start warning about morning sickness, birth pain, or how your sex life has never returned to normal. Shaking your head over an expectant mother’s ruined career prospects is not helpful either.
2. No comment
If the woman is heavily pregnant then she already feels like a barrage balloon tethered to the ground only by her fat ankles. Don’t tell her she looks “ready to pop,” as she might. It’s also not advisable to point out any possible mood swings as this will only make them worse.
Don’t start commenting on the pregnant person’s drinking or eating. You are probably not a doctor and even if you were, it is not up to you. It’s also not polite to the more mature mother-to-be to ask, “Aren’t you a bit old?” In the Biblical story of Moses, his mother, Jochebed, was 130 when her son was born. If you think about this, your friend will seem positively youthful. It is also possible that you disapprove of your friend’s partner and feel they should not have been allowed to reproduce. Keep this to yourself.
Finally—many women can gain up to half a shoe size during pregnancy due to water retention. Do not mention this.
3. Try not to be smug
If you have had a baby yourself, don’t tell them what an easy time you had or how people who complain about morning sickness are just whiners. Every pregnancy and the physical impact it has on someone is unique.
4. Don’t touch
Just because a woman is pregnant does not mean her body has become some kind of “Open All Hours” zone for other people’s hands. Touch her if she invites you to. It’s also a good idea to talk directly to the woman and not, rather bizarrely, to start addressing your words to her belly.
Waiting for the baby
It’s worth bearing in mind that in the nine months from conception to birth a baby’s weight increases by 3,000 million. That’s a lot, and the last month is usually the most exhausting for a pregnant woman. Fewer than 10 percent of babies are born on their exact due date, so this is not a good time to keep texting or calling to see if the baby has arrived. Once she has been safely through labor, trust me, she will be telling everyone.
(If you count all the battles in Margaret Mitchell’s epic novel, Gone with the Wind (1936), then the character Melanie Hamilton is pregnant for twenty-one months. When someone pointed this out to the author she replied that a Southerner’s pace is slower than that of a Yankee.)
Same-sex parents
You would need to know a pregnant lesbian couple very well before it was all right to ask, “Where did you get the sperm?” or “Did you have sex with the ‘father’?” How they got pregnant is private information and you need to let them tell you if they would like to. Likewise, a gay couple will tell you about the surrogate or adoption process if they think you should know about it—there’s no reason to ask.
THE ACTUAL BIRTH
One has a strong wish to give a husband a good, strong ducking . . . what humiliations to the delicate feelings of a poor woman, especially with those nasty doctors. One really felt more like a cow or a dog . . .
—Queen Victoria (1819–1901), on the subject of childbirth
Men used to be banned from the delivery room and people took the ban very seriously. In 1522 in Hamburg, a Dr. Wertt was so eager to watch a woman in labor that he dressed up as a woman in order to get in. His ruse was discovered and he was burned at the stake. Later on, men were cut a bit more slack. My grandfather always associated the birth of his four children with going to buy loose tea. At the time it was customary for babies to be born at home and when the moment for delivery was near, the midwife always sent my grandfather out to purchase a box of tea. She did not want him hanging around when the baby was born.
These days it is common for the father or partner to be present during birth, but that doesn’t mean he has much say in anything. There is no doubt that this is still a time when the woman gets to rule the roost. The expectant mother needs to be comfortable, so it is a good idea for everyone to be clear about what is wanted before the event. This is not a time for disputes. Some people like to turn the delivery room into a circus. There are even professional “birth coaches.”
Make sure everyone has agreed to the level of excitement in the room beforehand. Booking a videographer to turn up as a last-minute surprise may not go down well.
If you are not the one actually giving birth –
Do not interfere unless requested. No matter how devoted a potential grandmother might be, she needs to restrain herself at this time.
Gardening leave
I don’t know whether to deal with this, but it’s the sort of topic that is widely discussed on pregnancy forums, where I discovered the question—“Is there an etiquette for the pruning of the lady garden during labor?!”
As far as I can ascertain there is no one answer. Many women, having put their bodies through nine months of strain, may not give a damn. It rather depends what you, or possibly your partner, are used to. If you normally maintain a Brazilian but have become rather “overgrown” during the last nine months, you may feel more comfortable tidying up before a group of strangers starts hanging out near your shrubbery waiting for the baby to arrive.
(On the subject of the “lady garden,” there are many alternative expressions for pubic hair, of which my favorite is the Australian term, “Map of Tasmania,” also expressed, if you’re in a terrible hurry, as “Mapatasi.”)
MY FAVORITE CONGRATULATIONS NOTE ON THE BIRTH OF A BABY
FROM THE BRILLIANT Dorothy Parker to Mary Brandon, wife of the playwright Robert Sherwood, after she delivered their child, “Good work, Mary, we all knew you had it in you.”
WELCOME LITTLE STRANGER
Everyone likes to share in happy times, and it would be a grumpy soul who has no interest in the arrival of a family or friend’s baby. Throughout the centuries people have found ways of delivering the good news. Sadly, the rather impressive “star over the manger” is not available to everyone. Any method of letting people know is fine—proper newspaper notices, emails, phone calls, Facebook status update—although I’m not big on anyone posting actual birth videos. (It may just be me.)
The ancient Romans used to announce the arrival of a boy by hanging an olive branch on the door of his parents’ house, and a girl with a strip of woolen fabric. Early Americans would sometimes embroider a pincushion with the words “Welcome Little Stranger” and hang it on the front door, while in my native Denmark it is still common for a family to put a picture of a stork carrying a baby in either a pink or a blue piece of cloth outside a newborn’s home.
Send out messages about the good news as soon as possible, remembering that people will want to know the basics—sex of the child, weight, hair color, that kind of thing. These days many people do this by text or phone, although some new parents send out official birth announcement cards, which sometimes even include a professionally photographed picture of the new baby.
When a friend or family member lets you know about the new baby, you need to respond and you need to say something positive. If the child looks like a turnip do not say so. Also don’t comment on the choice of name, however bizarre. The American actress Shannyn Sossamon, who starred opposite Heath Ledger in the film A Knight’s Tale, named her son “Audio Science” which is, you know . . . different.
NEW PARENTHOOD
The mother
This is a hard fact to get your head around when you are a new parent, so I will be brutal—not everyone is as interested in the birth of your baby as you are. Shocking, isn’t it? Some people are even squeamish about the details. There are also very few people, on the whole, who are interested in your child’s bowel movements, no matter how focused you may become on them.
Don’t be hurt if all the gifts coming to the house are for the baby and not for you. Now that you have a child, you better get used to coming second in life.
Be sensitive if one of your friends is having fertility treatment or has a history of miscarriage. Holding your baby may be too painful for them. Even if you are very tired don’t tell them that they have had a lucky escape.
The father or parent not giving birth
I’m so sorry but honestly, no one is interested in you. Your time will come, but this ain’t it. Be supportive and help with . . .
Dealing with visitors
Be very clear about how welcome people are and for how long. This is a good time to lay down boundaries, especially if there are competing sets of grandparents vying for time. Traditionally the maternal grandmother was allowed priority, but don’t start a family feud. Sending a general text about when you, as new parents, will feel ready to receive visitors is a good way to head off too much attention. These days photos posted on a website can help stave off other people’s curiosity. Again, consider how much others want to see a close-up of a placenta.
Being a baby bore
I’m going to say it again because it will take a while to sink in—remarkable as your child may seem to you, it is probably no better or worse than any other child anywhere in the world. You have to accept that no one will ever have the strength of feeling that you have for your offspring. They may even (and this is shocking) find the child to be a nuisance. Here are some simple rules:
1. Don’t keep boasting about your baby
It’s just a baby. Everyone has been one.
2. No one wants to hear details about your milk production
Really. No one.
3. Don’t keep mentioning your figure
If you get your figure back, well done. Everyone is delighted, but it is not a miracle. Don’t go on about it. This is especially true with other new mums who have not been so fortunate and still look like something out of Free Willy.
4. Don’t be smug about your baby’s sleeping
The baby is not sleeping because you are a remarkable parent. You are just lucky to have one that likes to sleep. Parents with ill-tempered children may want to kill you.
5. Accept change
Understand that your horizons have diminished into a world of sterilizing things, changing diapers, and being slightly demented from sleep loss. Know that this is not real and one day you will wake up.
FRIENDS AND FAMILY
When to visit
Shortly after the birth is fine as long as the new mother feels up to receiving visitors. Bring a gift for the child, flowers for the mother, and a card for both. If the newborn has an older sibling already in place, know how seriously displeased that child is going to be. A gift for them, too, is kind. When I was eleven my parents said they had a surprise for me. Turned out it was my sister. I thought we were getting a swimming pool. Disappointment doesn’t really cover it.
Visiting new mothers at home
Having a new baby is exhausting. Don’t turn up unexpectedly, even if you used to drop in all the time. If you do visit, don’t stay long, don’t comment if the place is in chaos, and do try to be helpful. If you want a cup of coffee, make it yourself. Think about the new schedule and don’t phone for your usual late-night chat. Texting first to see the lay of the land is a good idea.
Inviting new parents to an event
Don’t be offended if they say no.
ADOPTION
People who have applied for a baby through adoption have been through a great deal. They have been investigated, had their lives, homes, and finances checked in a way no one having a baby via sex can ever imagine. They have also generally waited longer for their child than any pregnancy. When the child arrives they deserve exactly the same fuss, gifts, and offers of help as if the offspring, whatever age, shared their DNA.
BAPTISMS/CHRISTENINGS/NAMING CEREMONIES
These often have clear rules laid down by a particular faith. If you make your own ceremony you can, of course, decide on your own format. It is quite common for the parents at these ceremonies to select other adults to play a significant role in the child’s life. In Christianity these are known as godparents.
The godparents used to be responsible for the child’s religious education, but these days even atheists are sometimes selected. Godparents are always chosen by the parents. No one should volunteer. It is awkward if the family doesn’t think you are suitable. If you are chosen—be sure you are ready to commit to being in the child’s life. It is possible to turn down being a godparent, but you are unlikely to stay friends with the couple.
Parents should be careful about their selection. When the French conductor and composer Louis Antoine Jullien was born in 1812, his father, a violinist, was working with the Sisteron Philharmonic Society orchestra in Alpes-de-Haute-Provence. He asked the orchestra to provide one of its thirty-six members to become the child’s godfather. No one could agree, so the infant was named after all of them—Louis George Maurice Adolphe Roche Albert Abel Antonio Alexandre Noë Jean Lucien Daniel Eugène Joseph-le-brun Joseph-Barême Thomas Thomas Thomas-Thomas Pierre Arbon Pierre-Maurel Barthélemi Artus Alphonse Bertrand Dieudonné Emanuel Josué Vincent Luc Michel Jules-de-la-plane Jules-Bazin Julio César Jullien.
What to say at a Bris or Brit milah (Jewish circumcision)
Do say—“Mazel tov” to the parents and extended family. It means “Good luck” in Yiddish.
Don’t say—“I bet that hurt.”
Random baby facts
OUT AND ABOUT WITH BABY
Baby strollers
Strollers can be a real hassle. The small fold-up-like-an-umbrella ones are typically no trouble, but some of the more expensive types, which appear to be designed to climb Everest while your child naps, can create some issues. They take up a lot of space and some people don’t view them kindly. In Canada, which otherwise seems such a peaceable place, there have been what are referred to as “stroller wars.” In Halifax, the police had to be called when six mothers and accompanying children in strollers had an hour-long stand-off with a bus driver who thought they were taking up too much space. It’s that “Consideration” issue. Let’s all try to make room for each other. Don’t clog up the aisle of anything unless you have to, don’t run over anyone’s feet with your mountain-climbing tyke trike, and remember to park prettily.
Restaurants
It may be news to the new parent whose world has suddenly shrunk, but in a restaurant you are not the only person dining. The people around you may be there for all sorts of reasons—they may be having a romantic tryst, coming from a funeral, be discussing business, etc. They do not want to hear your child wailing. Mouthing “He’s tired” will not make anyone feel better. If your baby cries, get up and take the child out of the room until it settles down. It is not nice to ruin everyone’s meal.
A newborn urinates about every twenty minutes. By the time they are six months old they are still peeing roughly every hour. They need about 7,500 diaper changes a year. This is a lot and it needs doing, but no diner wants to see your child’s efforts while they are eating. If your child needs a fresh diaper, find somewhere private to sort it. Using the seat next to you is not appropriate.
BREASTFEEDING
This is an area that creates endless trouble. Breastfeeding is good for a baby. I think we can all agree on that. What causes friction is where and how the breastfeeding takes place. Some states have laws asserting that you can’t discriminate against a woman because she is breastfeeding, and a federal law requires employers to provide nursing mothers a reasonable time and place to pump milk at work. However, you may find that some prudish people will try to stop you from breastfeeding in public, so be aware of your surroundings and keep in mind that you could be hassled, however discriminatory it may feel. What are the words we’re looking for? Consideration and comfort.
The baby should be comfortable, but it’s not a bad idea if everyone else is, too. The fact is, the baby needs to get to your bare breast and not everyone may want to share the view.
THE !KUNG SAN
THE !KUNG SAN live in the Kalahari Desert and have been there for thousands of years. Apparently they breastfeed their babies 50–100 times a day. This may seem a little excessive to the Western mother, although apparently their babies cry less. Maybe because their mouths are full all the time.
In public
Be discreet. Of course, your child’s welfare is more important than other people’s sensibilities, but it is perfectly possible to breastfeed a child without making it into a public display. The careful use of a shawl or cloth to cover yourself while the baby is latched on can mean a successful feed while not exposing yourself to strangers. If someone has a problem with you after that, keep calm and don’t engage with their irritation. If you are being discreet no one should mind.
When someone else is breastfeeding in public
Don’t stare.
Don’t draw attention to it even if you don’t like it.
Don’t comment. If you must say something, simply ask if it’s a boy or a girl. Also ask yourself why you needed to say something.
BREASTFEEDING IN MONGOLIA
IN MONGOLIA, BREAST milk is regarded as a treat that may be offered to a family member. It’s also sometimes used medicinally for things like eye infections.
BRINGING UP BABY
Evolutionary biologists posit that human beings are actually born too early. They appear at nine months not because they are fit to live outside the womb, but because any further delay would mean that their heads would be too big to make their way through the birth canal. Cook a kid for longer than the recommended time and you would cause even more grief to the delivering mother than is the present case. It takes a human infant much longer to be able to look after itself than most baby animals, so they need self-love—they need to treat their primary carers as slaves supplying their every need. This period of parental servitude cannot go on forever, however, so the question is . . .
When can you start teaching babies to behave?
The term “infant” is from the Latin (yet again) infans, which means “unable to speak.” This period seems to be a bit of an unknown desert in our development since all of us have something called “infantile amnesia” and can’t recall much that happens to us before the age of three. This may be because memory is tied to language. Before kids can speak it is tough to teach them that they won’t always come first.
Under six months
Babies have no capacity for being naughty. They also have a very short memory, so even if you try to indicate that something doesn’t please you they won’t remember. The best you can do is to be calm and know that they are not trying to annoy you. Getting angry because they cry just adds to the chaos.
Under a year
That memory thing still isn’t going so well. Just because you told the baby yesterday not to touch the computer doesn’t mean the computer isn’t just as interesting today. The child may even touch it because your reaction is so very intriguing.
Good things to do
1. Be consistent
If the child is not allowed to touch the computer then have the same rule every day.
2. Begin gentle teaching
Use the word “no” gently but firmly as you remove them from something they shouldn’t be playing with. It will take ages for them to work out what you mean. Balance this by being clearly pleased when they behave nicely. Again, you’re in for a long haul of repetition.
3. Distract them. Keep them safe
It is natural that they are curious about the world around them. Take them away from things that they shouldn’t be playing with while explaining what you are doing. They may understand more than you think. I was once exasperated with my not-yet-speaking ten-month-old god-daughter’s eating habits. There was food everywhere, including in her hair. “You might as well tip the bowl over your head,” I said. So she did. This proves that a sense of sarcasm takes a while to develop.
Bad things to do
Both are pointless and confusing. There is no doubt enough noise in the house from the child without the parent joining in, too.
Be proportionate
Everyone wants kids to behave without turning into an adult with social interaction issues. The movie director Alfred Hitchcock was by all accounts something of a prankster in his adulthood, and not always a kind one. One of the theories about his sometimes unpleasant attitude to others is that the seeds were sown when he was five. His father William was a grocer and one day he sent young Alfred with a note to the local police chief. The chief locked the little boy in a cell for ten minutes before releasing him with the words, “That’s what we do to naughty boys.” I suspect that explains quite a bit.
Toddlers (age two to three)
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.
—Fred Astaire (1899–1987), American dancer, actor, and choreographer
There is a painting of a two-year-old boy by the sixteenth-century Dutch painter Jacob Willemsz Delff called simply Portrait of a Young Boy in which the kid looks more like a miniature adult than a toddler. There are those who reckon “childhood” is a relatively modern concept. During the early years of the Industrial Revolution, children as young as four worked in factories, and the Victorians famously had no problem shoving kids up chimneys or down mine shafts.
The eighteenth-century philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau is often credited with being the first to see childhood as a series of developmental phases. He believed that a child up to the age of twelve was guided merely by emotion, but after that age and over the next four years, reason starts to take hold, while from sixteen and upwards the adult begins to form. I realized by my third child that there was a very simple benchmark for working out when your offspring is capable of genuinely good behavior: when they finally have the motor skills to color within the lines properly. While they still scribble wildly with crayons, parenting is a tiresomely repetitive time and the grown-ups just need to take a deep sigh and get used to it.
Toddler time is about endlessly reminding youngsters that they need to think about others. They can begin to be taught the basics about:
Say it yourself and say it often, until it becomes so boring you could scream.
Do not scream.
Playgroup Manners for Parents
1. Make your child be the nice one
If your child keeps snatching toys from others or bashing them on the head or biting—stop them! If you don’t, you won’t make friends with the other parents, who consequently won’t invite you out for a drink. You may well need a drink.
2. Keep infection in the family
If your child is sick then stay home, no matter how desperate you are to see another adult. Some people do have “pox parties” or “flu flings” to infect kids deliberately in order to boost their immunity. Personally, I think this is rather suspect. There have even been cases in the US of parents passing a whistle from an infected child to other kids. This is bonkers. Who wants a sick child with a whistle?
3. Stay in charge
Most playgroups are not a babysitting service. You still need to be in charge of your kid.
4. Be helpful
No one enjoys putting away toys. Do your share.
5. Be nice
No matter how much you loathe someone’s child, remember its parents adore the little monster. Keep your views to yourself. If a child is naughty but is not yours, refer the incident to the mother or person in charge. Then go home and be glad the kid is not coming with you.
GROWING UP
Still he wallowed and rolled up and down himself in the mire and dirt—he blurred and sullied his nose with filth—he blotted and smutched his face with any kind of scurvy stuff—he trod down his shoes in the heel—at the flies he did oftentimes yawn, and ran very heartily after the butterflies, the empire whereof belonged to his father. He pissed in his shoes, shit in his shirt, and wiped his nose on his sleeve—he did let his snot and snivel fall in his pottage, and dabbled, paddled, and slobbered everywhere—he would drink in his slipper, and ordinarily rub his belly against a pannier.
—François Rabelais, Gargantua and Pantagruel, Volume I, c. 1532
Gargantua was a giant who killed his mother during childbirth. With such a poor start he went on to become a nightmare youth. Many manners books over the years have been directed at children, primarily because many rules exist simply to avoid the sometimes, let’s be frank, disgusting behavior of the fledgling human. Having your own kids means getting over any number of taboos about dealing, for example, with another person’s excrement. The most important thing to recall is that no one feels as strongly towards a child as a parent does. If you want your child to be popular, you need to help them learn how to get along with the rest of the world.
Saying hello
Teach your kid to look people in the eye when they meet someone new. Show them how much nicer it is if they smile and give their name clearly. The English monk and poet John Lydgate (1370–1451) wrote,
Who-so speke to þee in ony maner place,
lumpischli caste not þin heed a-doun,
but with a sad cheer loke him in þe face.
Basically, when spoken to, don’t lumpishly look at the ground, instead look someone cheerfully in the face. It’s still a good plan. In the US if a person asks, “How are you?” it’s a good idea to teach children that the correct response is, “Fine, thank you.” No one actually wants a detailed answer to the question. The next stage is to get the child to be interested in anyone but themselves and inquire, “How are you?” back.
Don’t let them be sullen
It’s a splendid word, “sullen.” It originally just meant “solitary” but now it stands for rudeness. Children who don’t answer when addressed by someone else need to understand that this is not a good way for us all to get along. They are the kids who don’t get invited to someone else’s house for a playdate. They are also the ones the teachers don’t pick for special treats.
Early school years (age four to eleven years)
I think you can tell a lot about what kind of an adult you are going to get by looking at the behavior of the child. George W. Bush, who went on to become the forty-third president of the United States, is an interesting example. According to his childhood friend, Terry Throckmorton, he and George spent their summers in Midland, Texas, putting firecrackers in frogs and throwing them so that they would blow up. It is tempting to wonder if perhaps George’s parents had said something it might have saved the world a lot of trouble later on.
While you are still a kid it is hard to imagine that one day you may spend a lot of money on therapists trying to untangle what your parents did to you. As the old saying goes, “A Freudian slip is like saying one thing, but meaning your mother.” This is the age when the concept of “His Majesty the Baby” really ought to be pushed away. Now the child begins to have an early social life at school and outside of it, and some of it will be without the parents. Children need to know how to survive in social interaction, so there are some essential early lessons. Many of them were covered in Stans Puer ad Mensam—The Book of Curteisie, a book of children’s manners ascribed to John Lydgate in 1430. The basics haven’t really changed in 600 years, and it really comes down to the three Rs of interaction.
Respect for Self
Respect for Others
Responsibility
At school
Ideally, school is the place where children are taught to think. Choosing the right kind of education for your child can be a nightmare for any parent. It was something the poet Percy Bysshe Shelley never had to consider for his son. Shelley had always been something of a maverick. By the age of nineteen he had been expelled from Oxford and eloped with a sixteen-year-old. When he died, his son, Percy Florence, whom he had with his second wife, Mary Shelley, was only three. It was recommended to Mary to send Percy to a particular school at which he would be “taught to think for himself.” “To think for himself!” she is said to have replied in horror. “Oh, my God, teach him to think like other people!”
If you think about the difficulties you may have with one child, try multiplying that into a playground full. The school will have rules for a reason. Teach your kid to stick to them. Years ago I asked one of my kids what she thought was a good rule to learn for school when you start. She said, “Don’t poop your pants on the playground.” Apparently a child had done this in kindergarten and it was still the talk of the place in second grade.
School Rules
These rules echo so much of what we’ve already looked at. They are the same guidelines for almost any social occasion later in life with a group of people, written in short form.
1. Turn up on time.
2. Have the right materials.
3. Pay attention.
4. Don’t backtalk.
5. Try to get along with everyone.
6. Don’t steal, cheat, lie, or any of the other basics.
7. Don’t poop your pants on the playground (I nearly forgot that one).
FIRST SOCIAL EVENTS
Birthday parties
The Egyptians . . . discovered to which of the gods each month and day is sacred; and found out from the day of a man’s birth, what he will meet with in the course of his life, and how he will end his days, and what sort of man he will be.
—Herodotus (c. 484–425 BC), The Histories, Book II (Euterpe)
There is only one birthday in the Bible and it’s for a pharaoh (Genesis 40: 20–22). It couldn’t have gone all that well because at the end of the festivities the Egyptian leader “hanged the chief baker.” I’ve had cakes I wasn’t a fan of, but that seems a little extreme. Traditionally, neither Christians nor Jews marked the day. Not even the birth of Jesus seems to have been an excuse for a party. The first-century historian Josephus said Jewish law forbade such celebrations because they afforded an “occasion of drinking to excess.” There is some comfort in knowing how little human behavior has changed over the years. The Jews were right, of course. Even the genius Shakespeare failed to show restraint, dying on his birthday in 1616. According to a Stratford clergyman called John Ward, “Shakespear, Drayton, and Ben Jonson had a merry meeting, and it seems drank too hard, for Shakespear died of a fever there contracted.”
The history of birthdays
You might think that because everyone who was ever born had a birthday that the concept has no history, but the marking of birthdays probably has a pagan origin. Birthdays used to be seen as a fearful experience. Personal spirits were said to be particularly eager to hang around on the day you were born and this apparently made you susceptible to both good and evil spells. Any dreams the night before needed to be remembered since they might predict the future. With all this nonsense going on it was a good idea to protect yourself by gathering together as many well-wishers as possible.
Gifts are a reminder of sacrifices offered to pagan gods on their birthdays, and the cake with candles relates to pagan notions about the magic of fire. The Greeks used to celebrate the birthday of Artemis, the moon goddess, by putting candles on a cake to make it seem like her home turf, the moon. They believed the smoke from the candles carried their prayers to the goddess. We echo this when we make a wish and blow out the candles.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU”
COMPOSED IN 1893 by sisters Mildred and Patty Hill, who ran the Louisville Experimental Kindergarten School in Kentucky, it was originally called “Good Morning to All.” No one is sure who changed the words to “Happy Birthday to You,” but we do know they are covered by copyright so you hardly ever hear the song sung in movies.
GIVING A BIRTHDAY PARTY
The parents
1. Make the numbers manageable
A good guide is to invite the same number of children as your child’s age, plus one. Don’t risk having more kids than you can cope with. It’s very bad manners to return children in a worse state than you received them.
2. The invitation
You can send these by email, although it suggests you didn’t take the time to plan properly. Getting the kids to help write their own invitations is part of the fun. Most parents are busy and exhausted. They want a piece of paper they can stick on the fridge with all the necessary information.
3. Length of party
Don’t exhaust other people’s children. You will regret it. Their parents will hate you.
Up to age 3: one hour
4–7: an hour and a half
8–12: two hours
12+: good luck getting it over with
4. Other parents
This party is for the kids. It is not your chance to trump the party another parent gave for their child. There is no need to pick an outlandish location for the party just because someone else did. Find out what your kid wants. If you want a parent to stay with their child, say so on the invitation. For kids under the age of five, expect parents to stay anyway.
5. Addressing the envelopes
Address the invitation to the person being invited. If you want Lord Fauntleroy to come alone, put “Lord Fauntleroy” on the envelope. If you want him to bring his family, put “Lord Fauntleroy and Family.” If you don’t want Lord Fauntleroy there at all, try to remember that it’s your kid’s guest list, not yours.
6. Chasing RSVPs
Call and check if someone hasn’t replied. You will need to know numbers.
7. Deal calmly and quickly with bad behavior
There is nothing more likely to trigger tantrums or crazy behavior than too much sugar, a few party games, and a gaggle of kids. Keep calm and try to direct the children’s energies elsewhere. Get them to help you with something. If there is a particular troublemaker, remove them from the group and let them settle down a little before rejoining. Never shout at other people’s kids, however tempted you might be.
8. Don’t get upset with the birthday child
Again—however tempted you might be. Don’t ruin their day just because they may not have coped brilliantly. Maybe suggest a quick game of “Sleeping Lions” and see who can be the sleepiest King of the Jungle on the floor.
9. Make a list of who came and who gave what
You will need it for thank-you notes.
10. Send thank-you notes
The Children
Birthday cakes should always have pink icing on the top, with the name of the birthday boy or girl spelt out in preserved cherries.
—Mrs. Humphry (“Madge of Truth”), Manners for Women, 1898
Explain what you expect to your kid before the party. You can even practice these things prior to the event. Depending on the age, the expected behavior should eventually include:
1. Saying hello to everyone who arrives.
2. Looking after guests first.
3. Being equally nice to everyone.
4. Not expecting to win all the games.
5. Not forgetting table manners.
6. Thanking each person for coming.
7. Opening the presents after everyone has gone. It saves time, avoids the awkwardness of the honest reaction to an unwanted gift, and may avoid jealousy from the guests. Teach your child to be grateful for every present, even the awful ones, and to write a thank-you note. We used to allow our kids to invite their entire class to a party, but it was on the condition that everyone who came received a thank-you note afterwards, even if it was just a scribble to begin with.
8. Thank your own parents for their heroic efforts.
ATTENDING A BIRTHDAY PARTY
The parents of an invitee
1. Offer to help out
If your child is small you will be expected to stay at the party and not go home to sleep, even if that’s your preferred option. If your child is not so small, it is still polite to offer.
2. Don’t dump your other kids at the party
If you have no one to look after your other children, ask the host if you can leave your child by itself. Then it is up to the host to suggest you bring them, too.
Going too far
A birthday should celebrate the simple fact that someone is alive. There is no need to go overboard. When the American defense contractor David H. Brooks spent $10 million on his daughter’s thirteenth birthday party he was definitely going too far. (This may have been a theme with him, as he later went too far in business and was charged with embezzlement.) The hotel heiress Paris Hilton celebrated her twenty-first birthday with six parties in five time zones, spending an alleged $75,000 per guest, while the Sultan of Brunei marked his own fiftieth with a party said to have cost $27.2 million. You don’t need all that. There is nothing more delightful than a few balloons, too much cake and ice cream, and games with friends. Even in my mature years I can be made entirely happy by pinning the tail on a donkey in an entirely inappropriate place.
PETS
Animals are such agreeable friends—they ask no questions; they pass no criticisms.
—George Eliot (1819–80), British author
Some people have pets as well as children. Some have them instead of children. Please notice that I haven’t called this section “Owning Pets,” and that is because rarely does anyone seem fully in charge of a domesticated animal. If you think the baby grabs the title “His Majesty,” that’s nothing compared to the number of pets who vie to be the emperor. There are, of course, plenty of responsible people with pets. They already know how to behave. For the rest I’ll try to take it slowly.
The basics
It’s a bit like children. In fact—it’s a lot like children, but without the many years of coloring (unless your pet is particularly advanced). Often the pet in your life has not only entered your home but your heart as well. You love them in a way that people who don’t have pets find a little odd or even creepy. It seems astonishing to you that everyone doesn’t feel the same about Fido or Mr. Whiskers as you do, so here is a simple fact—
They don’t.
There are even people who don’t like animals at all.
Very nice people.
So, basic manners—we all need to get along and think about each other. This includes domesticated animals. If the animals can’t manage to co-exist with the rest of society, then they are less domesticated than anyone had hoped.
DOGS
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
—Groucho Marx (1890–1977), American comedian and actor
We don’t know exactly how long man has been trying to turn the dog into his best friend. Fifteen thousand years perhaps, maybe less or maybe more. Honestly, we have no idea. A long time. The close relationship began because both dog and human got something out of it. The dog received food regularly and the human felt protected. Looking at the current services available for dogs, it seems that the animals are doing better than ever before. There are almost eighty million dogs in the US, and their humans can purchase a water bowl for them shaped like a toilet, seek canine acupuncture and therapy, and it probably won’t be long before “Doga”—you guessed it, yoga for dogs—makes its way across the country from its New York City origins.
Dogs are much loved, which is splendid as long as everyone figures out how to co-exist.
For the person with a pet dog
1. Make sure you have time for a dog
I’m going to assume that if you get a dog, you will love it. It’s cute, right? It loves you back no matter how vile you are. If you love your dog, then you need to find time for it. If you leave a dog alone for too long chances are it will become distressed and start barking. It’s not fair to the dog or anyone else. The neglected animal is going to be a nightmare when you finally take it out in public.
2. Keep your dog quiet in public places
Public spaces are by their very nature there to be shared. They are not simply a place provided for your animal’s entertainment. People may be trying to chat or enjoy the sound of the birds, or they may even live nearby and be trying to sleep or work. All dogs can be trained not to bark. If they bark unnecessarily it is because you haven’t taken the time to teach them how irritating it is.
3. Pick up dog mess
It’s that pesky public space thing again. There are very few areas devoted entirely to providing canine toilet facilities. If you wish to convert your own yard into a pooch poo palace, help yourself. If your dog is—how can I put this?—a messy reliever, make sure you clean the affected fur. If you don’t, the dog is bound to sit down on someone’s carpet and leave a souvenir.
4. Teach your dog to sit and heel
You might save its life if you can stop it from running into the road. You might also prevent an accident. Show some respect for road users who don’t want to injure your animal and will feel terrible if they do. Ideally, keep the dog on a leash when you are out so that you have full control. Don’t let your dog jump on anyone. Even people you know well may be wearing nice clothes.
5. Don’t let your dog run around where people are eating
People sitting in a restaurant’s garden or patio area may not want your dog slobbering at their crotch.
6. Don’t let your dog slobber at someone’s crotch
I don’t need to explain that, right?
7. Don’t bring your dog with you to someone’s home without asking
If you have been invited to dinner, that invitation doesn’t usually include the dog. Don’t assume that people won’t mind if you turn up with the pooch. If you do visit, do not allow the dog on the furniture even if you think it’s harmless. I once had a friend visit with two large dogs. I very clearly asked if she would mind not letting them sit on the sofa. When they jumped up onto my new couch she just shrugged and said, “What can you do?” Well, you can not come again, that’s for sure.
8. If someone tells you that they are frightened of dogs – believe them
They are not trying to annoy you, and one solitary encounter with your canine is unlikely to fix the problem. It’s worth bearing in mind that the domestic dog is a subspecies of the grey wolf and some people don’t see a lot of difference. It’s the same with allergies. Don’t try to test your particular breed against the skin of someone who says they are allergic. Even if you think it’s nonsense, you don’t want to be the one left searching for an all-night pharmacy.
CATS
When my cats aren’t happy, I’m not happy. Not because I care about their mood but because I know they’re just sitting there thinking up ways to get even.
—Attributed to Percy Bysshe Shelley (1792–1822), English poet (although it seems rather unlikely)
There is a lovely story about President Calvin Coolidge. At breakfast one morning, a guest at the White House watched with astonishment as he quietly poured some milk from his cup into a saucer. Fearful of committing some unforeseen breach of etiquette, the guest followed suit. Then, without a word, Coolidge bent down and placed the saucer on the floor for the cat, which had been waiting unobserved beneath the table.
There are just as many cats in the US as dogs, and again the possibilities for spoiling them are endless. You can buy feline playhouses shaped like a tank, plane, or fire engine, and it probably won’t be long before the luxury boutique hotel just for cats that they’ve dreamed up in Britain makes its way to this side of the pond. I can only presume the minibar is packed with catnip.
Most of the rules about dogs apply to cats, except possibly the one about barking. I am fifty years old and I am frightened of cats. It makes no sense and I have tried to conquer it, but the fear remains. I can’t tell you how many times people have assured me, “My cat is the softest thing. She won’t hurt you.” They have left the room and their unsupervised tabby has taken a chunk out of my leg. I doubt things will change in my lifetime.
In addition:
Clean your cat’s litter box
You become desensitized to smells in your own home. You may even grow accustomed to the smell of used cat litter. Visitors’ noses haven’t had that opportunity.
Vacuum up cat hair
Nobody wants it on their clothing. Nobody. These are hairs even the cat didn’t want.
KEEPING A NON-DOMESTIC PET
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
—Winston Churchill (1874–1965), British prime minister
There is a very simple rule of thumb—if the animal you are thinking about bringing into your life requires the word “enclosure” in order to look after it, then you might want to think again. The very term “non-domestic pet” suggests a creature that struggles to be house-trained.
1. Can you really look after it?
Are you being mean to the animal by keeping it in a small apartment when what it really needs is a few acres of fields? The animal deserves your consideration. Are you sure you know a vet who can deal with any potential illnesses?
2. What will your neighbors think?
Unless you live entirely by yourself in the middle of nowhere, you need to consider the impact of an unusual animal taking up residence in your neighborhood. When I was a child in the US, it was common for New Yorkers to return from holidays in Florida with a foot-long, live baby alligator. Urban legend had it that when these creatures grew too big the owners flushed them down the toilet and that the Manhattan sewage system was awash with alligators. I spent my youth in trepidation of being attacked from underneath while using the toilet.
If you do have kids, Mary, try and recall that childhood should be a time of wonder. Provide that gift to your offspring, along with the knowledge that they also need to co-exist with others at the same time. We should all have room to marvel at the world, and manners help give us the necessary space.
Let’s see, where does this find us? We’ve covered love and marriage and offspring (or other creatures you might be in charge of) and all the things that mean happily ever after when things go well. But, sadly, it’s not always like that and there are times when even the nicest person can feel like blowing up a few frogs. I hate to mention it, but we probably should take a quick look at what to do when things go wrong.
Much love,
Sandi