INTRODUCTION

While working as an autistic autism spectrum consultant, I found that I was being increasingly asked about resources for autistic adults around friendships, relationships and sexuality. Families and individuals said they couldn’t find books that adequately explained how to understand the difference between good relationships and bad, which was extremely problematic as so many autism spectrum adults stay in situations that are not healthy or pleasant because they do not understand that it is not their fault the relationship is not working.

On a personal level, I know that the level of gender and sexual divergence in the autistic community is higher than in the rest of society, and yet there are no resources written for gender questioning or non-heterosexual autistics. This book is designed to introduce autism spectrum adults to the complex world of relationships, gender and sexuality in a non-judgemental and easy-to-understand format. Real-life examples will help readers to understand the variety of experiences and identities and the fluidity of relationships.

As a young adult, I made many of the same relationship mistakes that other adults on the autism spectrum make, and I hope that this book will help readers to avoid some of those mistakes and be able to have more positive and happy relationships of all kinds. Information about family relationships, friendships, sexual and non-sexual relationships is presented. Bad relationships are explored in depth to help people to recognize and therefore prevent these. When it is too late to prevent a bad relationship, safe steps to ending the relationship are given.

Ideas on how to meet people for friendships or relationships are given, along with suggestions on how to maintain these in a positive way. Long-term relationships require a lot of work, and areas of importance to relationships such as money, housing and children are discussed in terms of how this can impact on you and your relationship. In contrast, explanations on how to recognize when people are not really your friend or are treating you badly are given and followed by ways to end relationships.

In recognition that autism spectrum adults are adults with the same range of gender and sexuality as other adults, information on dating, flirting and sex are presented across online and real-life situations for all genders and sexualities. The book starts with a brief overview and then introduces the diversity of gender and sexuality. This is followed by an exploration of the different types of relationships that exist: co-workers, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, short-term, casual, serious and long-term sexual relationships, marriage and partnerships and family relationships. Within these different relationships, expected behaviours and interpretations of behaviour are explored and illustrated with examples to help the reader to develop and maintain the skills to enjoy a range of positive relationships in the way that suits them best.

Sexuality can be difficult to explain and even more difficult to recognize within yourself for many autism spectrum adults, so the book details how to recognize sexual attraction and the different types of sexuality in yourself and others. The fluidity and diversity of sexuality is illustrated with real-life examples from autism spectrum adults and/or their partners to help readers’ identification and understanding of the complexity of sexuality.

Both sexual and non-sexual relationships are explored and explained in a practical manner. This includes how to meet people and then start, maintain and end relationships of all kinds, both online and in the real world. Safety aspects for the real world and cyber relationships are detailed to help people minimize risk in meeting new people.

Sexual activity and sexual difficulties are presented clearly so that the reader can gain an understanding of how to find out what types of sex they might like and what may cause sensory difficulties for them as individuals. Examples of how autism spectrum adults have managed to have happy sexual and asexual relationships are given along with explanations of common sexually transmitted infections and diseases and how to have a healthy sex life.

This book was written for the individuals and families who have been asking me over the past few years: how do I meet someone? Can I ever have a happy relationship? Can autistics raise children successfully? How do I online-date? What kind of sex will I like? How can I enjoy a relationship? Will my son be accepted by the gay community? Am I the only transgender autistic? Why isn’t there a book for my daughter that lets her know her options for adult relationships?

I hope that this book does indeed let adults on the spectrum not only know but understand their options and empower them to make choices and engage in decisions that help them to enjoy themselves and their relationships in the short and the long term.