9

Starting (Sexual) Relationships

Online

Many adults on the autism spectrum enjoy interacting with others online as it takes away the complications of recognizing, understanding and responding to body language, tone of voice, etc. It can be easier to find people online who share interests and passions that you have, whether this is in forums, chat rooms, Facebook or arenas like Second Life.

In many ways it is simple to meet people online – as you use sites you start to see the same names over and over and interact with those people. Over time you build up your knowledge of who that person is in that context. However, it is important to understand that many people are not representing their true selves online and are instead pretending to be someone they would like to be or who they feel will help them to meet particular people. If you have never seen the MTV show ‘Catfish’, it is a good show to watch to illustrate this concept of people pretending to be other people online. People can pretend to be someone they are not when they are online for a number of reasons, but when they are pretending about this, they may also be lying about lots of other things in their life, and it is not a good start to any kind of relationship. Without some checking up online, like Google searching, image searching and regular videochatting, it is impossible to know if people are who they say they are.

However, there are also lots of people online who are just being themselves, and it can be a great way to get to know people slowly at your own pace. If the people you meet online interest you enough to want to have an online sexual relationship with them, that is fine. Many people have online sexual relationships where the sexual activity is limited to touching oneself and typing on a keyboard. Other people have their webcams on and/or talk about what they are doing to the other person. Be aware that this can be recorded and released into the public arena, which could be very embarrassing. It is also important to note that in some places sexting (sending sexually explicit photos via SMS or email) is illegal. Online sexual relationships with minors (people who are underage) is also illegal. If you engage in online sex through a paid site, the person you are interacting with will only be pretending to like you or love you because that is their job. They will not have real-life interest in you at all. Trying to contact them in real life could be construed as stalking and is a very bad idea.

If you have a Second Life character who becomes sexually involved with another person in Second Life, the other person is not interested in you sexually, just your character. It would not be appropriate to think that they are in love with you or that they are your best friend – their character is in a relationship with your character not you. Sometimes, people who have online avatar relationships do go on to meet in real life or through videochats as themselves. Some of these people manage the transition to good friends and a very few to real life sexual relationships, after taking time to get to know each other and not just each other’s characters/avatars.

There are websites where you pay to watch people having sex (pornography). Some of these sites are showing people who did not give their permission and others are using paid actors or home videos where both people agreed. Some types of pornography are illegal and you can be arrested and imprisoned for having illegal pornography on your computer or other devices. What is legal/illegal varies between different countries/states. If you have a job or are studying, it is usually a breach of policy/contract to watch any kind of pornography at work/college/university. You can be fired or have internet access revoked in these situations. Pornography that depicts children or non-consensual sex acts is illegal, and viewing or saving images of child pornography can result in serious consequences including arrest, prison/jail time and being put on a sex offenders register for life, which restricts employment opportunities and housing options.

If you accidentally open up a pornography site on your computer at home, do not panic that you will be arrested! This is not likely, as people who are arrested for this sort of offence have usually accessed a large number of sites over a long period of time. The reason that they are arrested is that many countries have cybercrime police units. However, accessing legal pornography on your personal device outside of work is not an offence.

Research suggests that people who read or watch a lot of pornography begin to believe that ordinary people engage in sexual relationships like those depicted in pornography. Most people do not engage in most of the sexual activities depicted in pornography and the depiction of women in pornography has very little relation to reality. It has been found that people who read/watch pornography regularly can become dependent upon it and actually become addicted to pornography, which can stop them from being content or happy in a real relationship. If this is the case for you, addiction therapy has been shown to be helpful in moving forward to break the addiction and set realistic expectations for your life and sexual relationships with others.

Some people choose to use dating sites online to meet potential sexual partners, and this can suit some people on the spectrum. There are lots of dating sites, some of them are very specific in terms of religion or sexuality, for example, and others encompass everything, and advertisers and searchers specify what they are looking for. Some of these sites are free and others you either have to pay to join or pay to interact with other site members.

Dating sites that are specific to the type of person you are interested in are often easier to use successfully than big sites that have all kinds of people. For example, if you are a man seeking a man to have a sexual relationship with, you are more likely to find men who may be interested on a gay male dating site. The way the sites work is that people either write profiles that introduce themselves and what they are looking for, or they write a personal advert. Personals are the names for short pieces of text that explain who someone is and what they are looking for in a potential relationship.

If you use these sites, you may want to have an explanation of all the acronyms that are used. Acronyms are shortened versions of a phrase using just the initial letters; for example, swf is often used instead of single white female. Table 9.1 gives a brief overview of the most common acronyms and, as you will see, individual letters can mean different things depending on the letters next to them. It can be very confusing. It is OK to ask a friend to help you write a personal ad for an online dating site and to help you read some profiles.

Table 9.1 Online dating acronyms
420	This means the ad writer is a marijuana smoker, or into the cannabis lifestyle
A	Asian
Al	Animal lover
AT	‘All that’ – used to describe themselves as being everything that anyone could want – usually this person will be very egotistical
Alt	Alternative lifestyle – can mean anything, often used to indicate an interest in drugs or different types of sexual activity
B	Black
BB	Bodybuilder
BBW	Big beautiful woman – usually referring to women who weigh a large amount and not to breast size
B/D/S	Bondage/domination/submission – this person is into sexual roleplaying involving bondage and domination/submission. There are large amounts of unwritten rules about this kind of sexual activity and it is best to read about these before trying to get involved in this with someone you do not know very well
BHM	Big handsome man usually referring to men who weigh a large amount
Bi	Bisexual
C	Couple usually refers to a couple looking for additional sexual partners. However, this can also be used to mean cute or Christian. Hopefully the rest of the ad will make it clear!
CD	Crossdresser – usually referring to a man who likes to wear women’s clothes
D	Divorced
D/D Free	Drug and disease free – often used to indicate the person is HIV negative and does not use drugs
DL	Downlow is used to say the ad writer wants to keep this relationship ‘on the downlow ’, private or discreet. Often this is used to imply the ad writer is already in a committed relationship and their long-term partner does not know about the ad. Some dating sites are specifically for married people wanting to have discreet affairs, such as Ashley Maddison
DTE	Down to earth indicates a relaxed personality
F	Female
FA	Fat acceptance often means that the ad writer likes overweight partners or that they are overweight themselves
FS	Financially secure/stable implies the ad writer has a permanent job or steady income
FWB NSA	Friend with benefits or no strings attached means the ad writer is looking for a casual sexual relationship and does not want to get emotionally involved. They may or may not already be involved in a long-term relationship
G	Gay
H	Hispanic
Hook-up	This is where two people meet up together, often to engage in sexual activity
HWP	Height/weight proportional suggests the ad writer is average height and build or is seeking an average sized person, as opposed to a BBW or BHM. This person is likely to be uninterested in you if you weigh more than average
I	Indian, meaning from India or of Indian descent
ISO	In search of/is seeking out is written before a list of what type of person the ad writer is interested in
J	Jewish
K	Kids – this means the ad writer has kids, or they are OK with someone who has kids. It does not imply a sexual interest in kids
L	Lesbian – although it can also be used to mean Latino
LDR	Long distance relationship – someone seeking this is not usually looking to have a live relationship but one that is mainly on the phone or online
LS	Legally separated means the person is married but planning to get divorced
LTR	Long-term relationship means the person is looking for a serious committed relationship
LD	Light drinker is often used to imply the person does not want to meet someone who drinks every day or gets very drunk when they go out
M	Male, although in personal ads for people seeking extra relationships to the one they are already in it can mean married
ND	Non-drinker
NK	No kids implies the person does not have or ever want kids
NM	Not married or never married
NS	Non-smoker – often non-smokers only want to meet other non-smokers
P	Professional
S	Single
S&M S/M	Both of these are used to indicate sadomasochism, usually one partner is the sadist (the top or dominant partner often known as the dom) and the other is the masochist (the bottom or sub). These sexual activities are role play with unwritten rules and codes. There are very good sources of information online if you wish to find out more about this type of sexual activity. It is important to do this before meeting someone who wants to engage in this type of sex
Tina	The ad writer is looking for a partner to use methamphetamine with
VGL	Very good looking – usually written by people of average looks who are seeking someone who looks like a model and who prioritizes looks over other factors
W	White or widowed, hopefully the context of the ad will tell you which
WAA	Will answer all (replies or inquiries) – usually this is seen as a sign of desperation and not as a sign of politeness
WE	Well endowed means the ad writer if male has a large penis, but if female that they have large breasts
Wi	Widowed
WLTM	Would like to meet
WTR	Willing to relocate – this can also be seen as a sign of desperation and usually people avoid replying to ads that seem desperate
X	Extreme – this is used to imply that out of the ordinary sexual exploits are acceptable or being sought

Examples of uses of online dating acronyms:

SBF WLTM L for NSA hook-ups – single black female would like to meet lesbian for no strings attached hook-ups – single black female is looking for a woman to have sex with but not for friends or a long-term relationship.

BBW ISO SM for LTR – big beautiful woman is seeking single male for long-term relationship – overweight woman is looking to meet a single man to have a serious committed monogamous relationship with.

The protocol for online dating sites is often to ‘send a smile’ or ‘wink at’ a person you think looks interesting or who you would like to get to know a bit more. If someone sends you a smile or wink it does not mean that they want to have a long-term relationship with you or engage in sexual activities, it just indicates that they would like to find out a bit more about you. When you get a smile or wink it is best to read the full profile of that person and you may want to use their image for a Google image search to check that they haven’t stolen someone else’s photos/identity.

Sending a smile back to someone is not enough, you also need to send them a message via the site if you would like to get to know them a bit more. Most sites have secure email systems so that your email address is not given out to people who are messaging you. This keeps you safe while you are trying to meet people that you don’t know. If the person at this stage asks you to send them naked videos or photos or pictures of your penis/breasts/vagina, then it is likely that they are not looking for a long-term relationship. Sending them what they ask for is risky as it may be illegal where you or they live and they may then post those images to their friends or public websites. In addition, some people have been blackmailed and/or lost their jobs because of the appearance on the internet of photos of them naked.

If you exchange messages for some time and think that the person is someone you might like to meet, it is a good idea to videochat with them first. This ensures that the person does at least look like they claim to look. Most people who lie about how they look are also lying about a lot of other things too. If someone refuses to videochat or tells you they don’t have a webcam or makes other excuses, it is likely they are lying. In this case, it is probably best to give up on them and move on to try to meet someone who is honest and open about themselves.

Once you have videochatted with someone you may want to meet them in real life. This can be dangerous, so it is really important to have a safety plan. The reason it can be dangerous is that some people who are aggressive or sexually violent choose to meet people this way, just so they can harm them. For this reason you should always arrange to meet in a public place and you should always let at least one person know where you are going and who you are going to meet. Some people like to take a friend with them and the friend sits at a table or bench nearby where they can see and hear if you need help. This can be useful if, when you meet the person in real life, you find that you really don’t like them, or that they make you feel very uncomfortable. You can then ask your friend to leave with you.

Some people choose never to meet in real life and just to continue to chat online, by Skype or on the phone. This is OK too. If you do choose to meet in person and the other person agrees, see Chapter 11 for more information about taking an online relationship into real life. If you have an online sexual relationship via Skype or other videochat systems it is sensible to angle the camera away from you before you remove any clothes and/or engage in any sexual touching as you do not want this broadcasting to anyone else at any point in the future (unless it is how you earn your living).

John: I like online dating – the old chat rooms were great because they were set up around particular interests and so you knew you would have something in common with the people in the chat room and so wouldn’t need to make smalltalk. I mostly just keep my relationships online; it is perfect for me, though some people have wanted to meet or videochat, I just explain that I am not comfortable with that and it is online only or, if they don’t like that, that’s fine we can just stop having contact. Some people think that I will change my mind and they are quite surprised that I don’t, but my social phobia in the real world is huge and I get so anxious I can’t function, whereas online I can be me and I am quite funny and fun to interact with and have really intelligent conversations with too.

Aisha: I met the guy online, we chatted via the site messaging system and then he persuaded me to give him my phone number, so we could talk. I did this, but then he was expecting phone sex and I didn’t even know what phone sex was. So I told him I had to go that there was someone at my door. I didn’t want him to think I was an idiot or anything. Then I googled phone sex and read lots and lots about it. I wasn’t sure how you were supposed to give yourself an orgasm and talk on the phone at the same time and that this talking would contribute to their orgasm. It all sounded very complicated to me, so I decided to think of it like a science project and break it down into different steps, and google each step too. I found out that phone sex can involve acting or actually doing and saying real things, which was amazing. I watched some documentaries on phone sex workers who were talking about touching themselves and sex stuff when they were doing the housework or typing up university assignments! I thought it was really interesting that when someone wanting phone sex asks ‘what are you wearing’ they do not actually want to know if you are wearing slippers, jeans and a t-shirt, but that they want to imagine you wearing nothing or underwear! Once I thought I had mastered it all I felt less nervous about the guy calling me again, which he did, and I did try but I think I got a few things wrong because I would answer honestly and he hung up on me and never called back.

Dating and hook-up apps

Dating apps are for people seeking more serious or longer-term relationships, whereas hook-up apps are designed to enable people to make contact based on very superficial characteristics, such as their photo and geographical proximity. Most people who use hook-up apps are looking for sex not a relationship. However, this does not mean that someone you meet via a hook-up app will have sex with you and you do not need to have sex with them either.

Hook-up apps – Tinder

Tinder is a smartphone application that lets people see photos and brief descriptions of other registered users in their local area. Tinder collates information about the user from their Facebook and Instagram profile and activities, including their photographs; it then brings up likely matches based on locality, mutual friends and other common interests. If you are using Tinder, to indicate that you are interested in a suggested match you swipe the screen right. Swiping the screen left tells Tinder that you are not interested in that suggested match. If you swipe right on a particular match and they swipe right on you, then you can chat to each other within the app.

Tinder is available in most of the world and in over 30 languages. Since the app launched in 2012 there have been more than 5 billion matches! There are paid and free versions of this app. It is important to be aware of safety issues around the use of dating apps like Tinder, with a high-profile alleged murder in Australia said to have been committed by a Tinder user who became frustrated with his match.

Hook-up apps – Bumble

Bumble is very similar to Tinder in layout and usage; however, it has one significant difference, which is that men are not able to initiate contact with women. Female Bumble users seeking men are presented with a series of matches, location can be selected from furthest away to closest, and you have 24 hours to initiate contact with any/all of the matches on screen. This restriction does not apply to users seeking same-sex relationships or friends.

Again, you should be aware of your personal safety when using Bumble as you cannot ever be sure that people you contact are safe.

Hook-up apps – Grindr

Grindr is a location-based social networking app for gay, bisexual and bi-curious men. Like Tinder, Grindr comes in both free and subscription-based versions. The app uses the smartphone satellite navigation system to provide the location of the user and then enables users to locate other men nearby. The user interface displays a grid of pictures of men, arranged from nearest to furthest away. Tapping on a person’s picture brings up a brief profile for that user, as well as the option to chat to them, send pictures to them and share your own location with them.

Grindr is the largest and most popular gay/bisexual mobile app community in the world, available in over 190 countries. Over a million men use Grindr every day! Most users will be genuine but you should always be aware of the risks involved and ensure that someone knows where you are and who you are with if you do choose to meet up with someone through Grindr.

Dating sites – E-Harmony and Match.com

E-Harmony and Match.com operate worldwide but unless you and your match (assigned as a match by the site’s algorithms) are both paid members, you cannot communicate easily or even see each other’s photos. Users report that matches assigned by these sites do not match on some of the most important criteria, with some being provided with matches in different states/territories/regions when they had specified local only. Match.com has an information sheet about Asperger’s. On both sites you need to select your gender and only male and female are offered, and also you can only pick one gender in terms of who you are looking for.

Like many dating sites, reviewers also note that a large number of profiles seem to be fake. Some of the smaller specialized dating sites do not seem to have this issue, but instead have a lack of members! Seeking dates via Twitter or chat rooms/forums is another option for online dating.

Dating site – Pink Sofa

Pink sofa is a web-based site where lesbian/bisexual women can post a profile (and a photo if they have a paid subscription). Most members are in the UK, USA, New Zealand or Australia. This site is set up for people looking for new friends and/or a new sexual relationship. Profiles stay up as long as you are a member and only paid members can message, free members can only smile/wink at people to indicate they would like more information. Information on profiles is generally clear and easy to understand with members introducing themselves and then what they are looking for. Many lesbians and bisexual women use sites like Pink Sofa to meet new friends if they move into a new area; however, there are also a significant number of women who have met their short or long-term partners online.

You can search by region and/or age and/or what type of relationship you are looking for. You can browse as a guest and you can also delete your profile at any time if you want to. You can choose only to view profiles of people online at the time and, if you want to instant message through the site, you can do that as well. The Pink Sofa also has a community section with events, accommodation listings, classified and ‘chit chat’, which is a hosted chat room for members. Many of these community sections are blank if you are based in regional areas rather than big cities. Cyber safety should always be considered on any dating site.

Dating site – Ashley Madison

This is a worldwide site for married people or those in long-term relationships seeking to have an additional relationship of any duration. Although some people criticize the site by saying that it promotes affairs which would not otherwise happen, there is no research on whether or not people who use the site would or would not have been in additional relationships otherwise. If you are seeking a relationship but do not ever want to live with a partner, then being an additional partner (mistress is a term often used for women in this situation) could work well for you. However, you need to be aware that these kinds of relationships can still be very complicated and messy, even if people say that they are only looking for some fun.

They have a large list of FAQs that can be accessed before signing up including the following details on safety issues:

Never include your last name, email address, home address, phone number, place of work, or any other identifying information in your Internet profile or initial email message. Stop communicating with anyone who pressures you for personal or financial information or attempts in any way to trick you into revealing it. Use the service features offered on our system to help maintain your anonymity.

If you choose to have a face-to-face meeting with another member, always tell someone in your family or a friend where you are going and when you will return. Never agree to be picked up at your home. Always provide your own transportation to and from your date and meet in a public place with many people around. (Ashley Madison FAQs, 2015)

Although Ashley Madison was hacked in 2015 and personal data relating to site members released, many of the emails were not genuine. Credit card numbers were also released, so it is worth only signing up to sites that you are OK with other people finding out about at any time in the future.

Cyber safety for dating sites and apps

It is really important to be aware of the safety issues around dating sites and apps. Most users are ordinary people but some users are dangerous predators. There is no way to know if the person you are interested in on a site is an ordinary person or a dangerous predator just from their profile or an initial interaction. For this reason there are a number of rules that you should follow to keep yourself safe when using dating sites and apps. These rules apply equally to men and women.

Do not share your login or password information

People can use your login and password information to hack your account and steal information from your computer. This is one of the ways identity theft can start. Computer hackers can also sometimes access your online banking and steal your money if they have access to your hard drive. You should never use common passwords such as Password or 12345 either!

Do not share all your personal contact details/identifying characteristics

You should not share your surname or contact details until you are sure the other person is trustworthy, which may not be until after you have met them in a public place. If you tell someone online all your personal details, such as your full name and phone number, or where you work or live, they could find you and arrive at your work or home when you do not want them to. In the worst case scenario they may stalk you or try to attack you. You should make sure your profile does not contain any identifying information.

You should not try to track down people that you have met online either. Checking out that they are legitimate by picture searching and Google is OK, standing outside their house when they have not arranged for you to meet them there is not OK, and can be seen as stalking and/or harassment, which are illegal.

Be aware of scammers

Some scammers use dating sites and apps to con people into giving them money. Ignore all requests to send money, especially overseas or by wire/bank transfer, and report the user who requested money to the website or app immediately. You should do this even if the person claims that they have had an accident or some other emergency, or that they only want to borrow money. In some cases the scammers will first send flowers or a gift or spend a number of months telling you how much they love you before asking you to give them the money to come and see you or for some other reason. These people do not love you, they just want your money.

Never give your financial information to people you have only just met or who you only know online. If you give people online your credit card details they may use these to buy lots of things, so it is important to be aware of this possibility.

There are some things that signal a person is a scammer, so you should block anyone who:

asks to talk or chat to you on an outside email or messaging service within minutes of first contact

asks you for money (report this to the site/app)

vanishes mysteriously from the site, then reappears under a different name (usually because they have been banned in the first place for scamming or other dangerous behaviour)

talks about it being destiny or fate that they met you

asks for your address under the guise of sending flowers or gifts

says things that contradict information they have previously given you (block and report this person immediately)

sends you emails containing links to other websites (DO NOT CLICK ON THESE, they often contain viruses that can infect your computer).

The US Federal Trade Commission’s (2011) advice to avoid online romance scams is a good resource to look at if you are concerned that you may be talking to a possible scammer.

References

Federal Trade Commission (2011) Online Dating Scams. Available at: http://onguardonline.gov/articles/0004-online-dating-scams, accessed 19 October 2015.