14
Maintaining Long-Term Relationships
Movies are not very good examples to try to understand how to maintain a long-term relationship. For a start they often depict perfect relationships, or relationships that end fatally. Most people in long-term relationships choose to live together, and, if you do, this is hard work initially but also requires long-term effort on both sides to make the relationship work. If there are more than two adults (polyamory) involved in the relationship this makes it even more complicated. See Chapter 18 for information about how children affect relationships.
Some people in long-term relationships prefer to maintain separate space, whether that is in a shared house or two separate homes. Of course living apart means that you cannot split the rent/mortgage and so costs more, but for some people it works well. However, just because you think you may live with someone long term does not mean that you will automatically split the household costs. Each couple will need to work out their own preference for finances, where to live and how to be around each other in public and in private.
Many couples do not discuss money in depth prior to moving into a property together and this can lead to a lot of complications within the relationship. It is not vital to have the same attitude to money but it really helps. For example, if you do not like to buy things on credit or get into debt and your future live-in partner has four credit cards that are all up to the limit (known as maxed out), it is likely that you will have friction about money at some point.
If you choose to live in separate homes then usually you are each responsible for your own bills and keep all your own income (unless children are involved). If someone you start to date begins asking for money from you this is a warning sign that things might not be safe in the long term. There are people who go out with those who cannot read social and/or emotional cues very well in order to extract money from them. These people never love you; they are using you for their own financial gain.
Likewise, if you live with someone and are asked to give them all your money, this is not a good idea as it leaves you vulnerable and financially dependent. Having joint bank accounts is normal in a long-term relationship but more and more people are only putting part of their income into the joint account and keeping some for themselves in their own bank account. Even if you are both dependent on welfare it is a good idea to ensure you have some money saved for yourself in case things go wrong and you need to find yourself a place to live by yourself or with your children.
Attitudes to money generally fall into the types depicted in Table 14.1:
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Thrifty (sometimes known as stingy or tight) |
Careful (sometimes known as risk averse) |
Generous |
Wasteful (said to spend money like there is no tomorrow or that money burns a hole in their pocket) |
|
Will save money as much as possible. Will shop for bargains and only buy what is necessary. Will never buy on credit (buying on tick or hire purchase) except for buying a home. May not have credit cards; if they do they will pay the balance in full every month. Will recycle and reuse items whenever possible (make do and mend). |
Will save some money and have some for buying things they want but do not need. May buy on credit where there is no interest to pay. Will shop for bargains but also buy full price items. Balances possible future financial needs against current desires to spend, pays bills before spending on luxuries. |
Often buys gifts and things for others. Like to spend money on other people. Not bothered if things are not on special, but will buy bargains if they are ‘a good deal’. Happy to buy things on credit if they think it will make them or someone else happy. Happy to pay their share of household bills but may need reminding. Will often save if asked to contribute to a savings account by a spouse/long-term partner. |
Spends their income very quickly on things that they feel like buying whether or not they need them. May gamble their money. Buys things that are too expensive. Enjoys spending money. May not have enough money left to pay their share of household bills. Doesn’t usually save. May not notice bills and may not make any attempt to pay them. |
Clearly, being wasteful is irresponsible and, if you are thrifty or careful, it would be very stressful to be involved in a living together relationship with someone wasteful. Some generous people can find careful or thrifty people equally frustrating and stressful. It is important to not only understand what kind of financial attitude your future partner may have but how you would organize your personal and joint finances. This is generally not something that you discuss on your first date or when you first meet someone as this information is very personal and not usually shared by people who are not very good friends or in a relationship. There are various ways to organize your finances (Table 14.2).
Trust, honest but caring communication, kindness and an ability to compromise and/or accept things are vital to healthy long-term relationships. Most relationships have conflict at one time or another, but it is how you deal with the conflict that affects how long and successful your relationship is. Without trust in each other, many things that should be fine in a good relationship can become really problematic.
Trust
Trust is a concept that encompasses a whole set of beliefs and attitudes and these require building up rather than being there at the very start of a relationship before you have got to know each other. When you develop confidence and faith in your partner that they are honest with you, have integrity and loyalty, and that they respect you, this forms the basis of trust in a relationship. If you trust each other you would reasonably expect your partner to keep their promises to you as well as to stay with you and work on the relationship when things are not as good between you, for whatever reason.
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Completely separate |
Mostly separate but a household bills account is joint |
Mostly shared money but with separate accounts for each partner as well |
All shared |
|
Each person pays part of the bills and when the couple go out each person pays their own share (going Dutch). In this case it may help to have a written agreement about exactly how the bills will be split (e.g. 50% each or X will pay the power but Z will pay the phone, etc.). |
Each person pays a pre-agreed amount into the household bills account. This account may be used for all joint expenses or just bills/rent/mortgage. In some couples the amount paid is a % of each person’s income (e.g. 60% or for others it might be a fixed amount, say $200 a week). |
Each person keeps some of their own income to use how they want. The shared money will pay for all joint activities as well as some things that are not done together. This varies between couples. |
All income is pooled into one shared account. Each person can spend from the account. It is important to be aware that some people lie about this situation and do hide some of their own money. This is not always for a negative reason but it can be. |
Autistic spectrum adults can hold on to past experiences forever and assume that if one person has treated them in a particular way that this will always happen or that everyone will do that. A person’s past experiences and emotions create expectations about each new relationship, and these expectations can be helpful or damaging. If you find it very hard to trust because of prior life experiences, it may help your current relationship to work on these trust issues together, or by yourself with a therapist, as a lack of trust can be very damaging.
When people within a relationship disclose private/personal events, attitudes or feelings, these should be respected and kept in confidence and not talked about with others. Talking about a partner’s private issues can break down trust. Another thing that can break down trust is having a sexual relationship with someone outside the relationship, when you have agreed to be faithful/monogamous/not to have sex with others. Addiction issues within a relationship can erode trust as the addict tries to hide or lie about things to cover up their addiction.
To build trust, the people in the relationship should communicate openly and honestly but with kindness. So, for example, it would be more helpful to say, ‘Please could you clean your teeth before we kiss as it is nicer for me then?’ and less helpful to say ‘Your breath stinks, I am not kissing you.’ If you are in a relationship with someone who is not on the autism spectrum, they may well have a very different idea about open communication and may find your honesty too blunt and hurtful at times. It is important to negotiate these communication issues and work out a way that you can both understand each other better.
Communication
Communication is the two-way exchange of information so that both/all people gain a shared understanding of what is being communicated. For those who are on the autism spectrum this two-way exchange can be problematic. In part, these problems arise because of the different way autistics and non-autistics use words. Typical people use words within a social context, whereas autistics tend to use words to convey information factually. This is not a minor difference and can lead to both/all people in the relationship believing that ‘something’ has been effectively communicated, when in fact they each have a different understanding of what that ‘something’ is and what it means for all concerned.
Not only do typical people use words with a social context, they also rely heavily on contextual clues such as tone of voice, facial expression and other body language. These types of clues are rarely used by autistics, who can also use atypical body language as well as misread that of others. The way that many people on the autism spectrum move their bodies or body parts to express their emotions is individual and not well understood by the general public. For example, if you flap to show that you are happy, and pace when anxious, you may need to explicitly explain this to friends or to people with whom you are in a relationship.
In turn you may also need to ask them to explain their emotional expressions and what sort of reaction they want and do not want from you. You may or may not be able to react in the ways that your partner would like, but you can at least try to avoid reacting in ways that they do not want. For example, if your girlfriend says that she cries when she hears sad songs and that she does not want you to ask her what is wrong, then it is a good idea to not ask her what is wrong if you notice her crying when she is listening to music. However, if she is crying and there is no music on, then you may want to ask her what is wrong.
One of the basics of communication in a relationship is honesty; however, honesty in a social context can be different from an autistic version of honesty. As you get to know someone, whether as a friend, colleague or in a sexual relationship, you need to explore this issue of honest communication:
How much information do you each want in response to a question?
Are there times when honesty is not the best policy? What are these and why?
If information is left out/left unsaid is that seen as lying or seen as not important? How can you know which?
How can you communicate in a way that is respectful but that still conveys your needs and wants?
How can you express support for and care about each other?
When are you going to discuss major issues? How are you going to do this?
If you get angry or have a disagreement are there any particular triggers for meltdowns? How are you going to manage your/their meltdowns and still find a way forward through the disagreement?
Are you expected to be less open/honest/communicative with each other’s families or friends, or is this not an issue?
How are you going to ensure levels of emotional and/or sexual intimacy that are respectful and a balance between people’s needs/desires for time alone/together?
A lack of effective communication can lead not just to misunderstandings but also mistrust, tension, defensiveness, frustration and even anger, all of which can magnify any possible issues and lead to more intense conflict. Many autistics abhor conflict and can lie or otherwise to try to avoid conflict; however, conflict is a healthy and normal part of a long-term relationship. It can be useful to find a strategy that works in your relationship for everyone, where conflict resolution takes place in a safe and meaningful way while avoiding any triggers for meltdowns.
Lucy: I seem quite verbal and I wasn’t diagnosed until middle age, but looking back it was clear my literal understanding of language and my total lack of understanding of the social context led to most of the problems in my relationships. If my partner would ask if they looked good in a particular outfit, I would answer honestly, even when they told me they just bought it especially or it was a gift from their mum or something. It wasn’t until I met other autistic adults in my late middle age and heard their explanations about the way typical people communicate, that I understood I had spent years offending a series of partners because I did not get tact!
Sam: My girlfriend had a hysterectomy, which meant she had to go to hospital for a few days. I was totally freaked out because she wanted me to visit her and everything would be unpredictable until she was home and feeling better. She listened to me for a few minutes, then quietly and calmly said; ‘It is not all about you, love. I am the one having surgery and it is scary for me too. Let’s talk about how it is for both of us and what we can do to get through it.’ She wasn’t angry with me because she knows how my Asperger’s can make me see the world from my perspective a lot. A few years ago I would have got all angry if someone said something like that to me, but now I just try to listen, she is really good at helping me understand what she needs in order to feel loved and valued and then I can try to do these things. After all she tries hard to communicate with me in ways I understand and in ways that help me.
Mike: My boyfriend hadn’t told his parents he was gay and he wanted me to pretend I was his flatmate when his family came to visit. I got really angry with him and had to go and shut myself in the bedroom each time he brought it up. It was getting so bad I thought we would break up. Then one of my friends suggested I text him if I couldn’t actually talk about it without getting angry and to text and ask him why he didn’t want his family to know. This friend is in a relationship with another aspie and they SMS each other all the time because they can process it easier, although sometimes they still misunderstand each other. I think relationships just are hard work no matter who you are.
It can be hard for anyone to apologize to someone, but part of being in a relationship is valuing the other person enough to say sorry when you do or say something that upsets them or makes them feel unloved or unvalued. It is also right to acknowledge when you are wrong and they are right, even if you only work this out days or even weeks later. The other side of apologizing is forgiving, and this is a necessary part of a long-term relationship too (unless your partner is abusive, in which case, see Chapter 13).
Kindness
One of the ways long-term relationships thrive is through the expression of kindness by the people within that relationship. Kindness is a way to demonstrate love, care and liking for a person. Kindness is often explained as being generous in spirt, caring, acting in an ethical way, being considerate and thoughtful. It is seen as a virtue in many faiths and, in the 4th century BC, Aristotle is said to have defined kindness as ‘helpfulness towards someone in need, not in return for anything, nor for the advantage of the helper himself, but for that of the person helped’. Nowadays this is seen as defining altruism, of which kindness is often a part.
Being kind requires an attention to the needs of others that may not be an intrinsic quality of people on the autism spectrum; however, this can be learnt as can many actions which others interpret as kindness or thoughtfulness. However, being kind can enhance a sense of wellbeing for everyone involved, and many acts of kindness are completely free and easy to implement. Kindness is expressed in different ways by different people.
Planned acts of kindness can appear to be a bit stilted or contrived, but they are helpful as practice and in order to hardwire the brain pathways into becoming more conscious of kindness and enable kindness to become habitual. As you become kinder and express your kindness more frequently, both you and the recipients of your kindness (your partner(s)) benefit. Trust can be built and reinforced with kindness, and kindness can act as a relationship lifeboat in times of distress, enabling the relationship to float along until you are all able to address the issues that need addressing.
Acts of kindness in a relationship include things like:
saying yes when your partner asks you to do something for them
spontaneously doing one of your partner’s household chores for them
making your partner a drink and/or meal before/after work
smiling at your partner and telling them that you love them
praising and appreciating your partner
helping your partner with things they struggle with and letting them help you with things you struggle with
making time to spend together
making time for your partner to have some time to do something they really want to do
picking some flowers and giving them to your partner
listening to your partner if they want to talk
asking your partner what you can do to help if they are sad/angry/stressed/frustrated, and then doing what they asked you to do
asking your partner if they want to come and look at the beautiful sunset/sunrise/stars/moon with you
always saying something kind or positive to your partner before you go to sleep and when you first wake up, even if all you say is ‘I love you’.
Lucy: I like to go to bed early and my girlfriend likes to stay up really late watching TV. I hate sound or noise in the bedroom when I am trying to sleep and so she has to watch TV in another room. I get up much earlier in the morning than her as I have to commute to work and she works from home. Sometimes, it gets me really frustrated that her TV is disturbing my sleep but then I remind myself that my getting up early disturbs her sleep and that if we are both considerate and kind then we will both be disturbed less and so feel less grumpy!
John: My partner asks me for a goodnight hug every night and gives me a quick kiss on my forehead as I hate lip to lip kissing. Then he says, ‘love you, goodnight’ and goes to sleep. In the morning, I wake up as he is kissing my forehead really gently and it is so gentle and lovely, then we both say ‘good morning, I love you’ before getting up. They are such little things but so reassuring and comforting. I think that it is a big part of why we are till happy together after eight years.
In a long-term relationship everyone needs to be kind not just to each other but also to themselves. This requires self-acceptance and acceptance of each other.
Acceptance and compromise
Long-term relationships need to be worked on as people change over the years – different things may become easier and/or more difficult in the relationship. This is normal and happens in most relationships. Sexual activity within a relationship often decreases dramatically within long-term relationships after the first few years, and this can impact people within the relationship differently. How people within a relationship deal with their particular issues will be unique to them; however, all relationships require acceptance and fair compromise in order to succeed long term.
It is not fair, equitable or healthy for one person in the relationship to do all the compromising. Unfair compromising is where one person gives up the things that they want or feel they need for a healthy relationship and the other person does not. Balance is important in a relationship, in terms of compromise and power. All the people in a relationship should share power so that no one is disproportionately more important than anyone else, and compromise should also be shared to prevent resentment and anger building up, which can destroy trust and hinder kindness.
Acceptance needs to be of self and other, so that you can accept yourselves and each other. Also, you should not confuse support needs with dependence, as healthy relationships are made up of independent people who may or may not have some/all of their support needs met by their partner. No one should be dependent on their partner: they should be able to think for themselves and be free to express themselves within their relationship and in the wider world.
One of the things that can be hard for partners to accept about each other is the other person’s interests and/or friends. For example, if your partner wants to watch football every weekend with their friends at your house, this may really irritate you. You can deal with this in a number of ways: by getting cross, by being rude to his friends and hoping they never come back, by asking if all the friends can take turns hosting the group so they are only at your house once a month or less, by going out somewhere when his friends are over, etc. Some of these ideas will create conflict, while others will demonstrate support for your partner and his interests. Some ask for compromise on both sides, while some are a compromise on one side only. If you rarely or never compromise, it is reasonable to assume that your partner should never have to compromise either!
However, there are useful and healthy compromises and there are unhealthy compromises. Unhealthy compromises involve one person giving up things they like/want or need in order to fulfill a request by their partner. This is closely linked to emotional abuse (see Chapter 13) and will end up with the person who gives things up feeling resentful and/or unloved and unvalued – which would be true. However, some people give up things because they assume that doing so will make their partner happy and/or impress them and they are doing so to ‘look/seem good’. This can be described as being a martyr, which is something that seems to be common to many people who feel insecure in their relationship.
Unhealthy compromises involve changing or giving up something inherent to yourself, such as not flapping or twirling in your home. Even if your flapping or twirling makes you look different to typical people, this is not a reason to stop yourself from expressing your emotions at home in this way. Your home is your safe space and sanctuary and you shouldn’t give up or compromise on such fundamentals as authentic self-expression. A compromise might be that you try not to flap or twirl at your partner’s work event, but that your partner agrees that you can leave after only 30–45 minutes at the event.
Healthy compromises are about both trying to grow and develop together in ways that help you to achieve your individual potentials, as well as succeed as a couple. This involves each person learning to understand, accept and value themselves as well as learning to understand, accept and value their partner in a supportive, kind, considerate and caring way.
Bec: My partner has got really good at telling me when she needs me to just listen and be supportive by saying things like, ‘that must be really stressful’, or ‘that sounds awful’ instead of doing what I normally want to do, which is give an unwanted lecture on all the other ways the situation could be dealt with. In turn I have learnt to compromise by accepting that we are different people and just because doing something my way is right for me, does not mean it is right for her. In telling her what she should have done, I wasn’t validating her or demonstrating my care and love for her. As an aspie I have really struggled to accept that my way is not the only way or even the only right way, but as a couple we are much happier because of this compromise and I am still me and she is still herself too.
Even things like housework and other chores need to be worked out, and acceptance and healthy compromise can be very helpful in these day-to-day areas of a relationship. Where one person has less energy than the other, no matter what the reason, a compromise might be reached where the chores are not evenly divided, but divided according to how manageable they are for each person. Other compromises might be around the type of food bought and how it is cooked and served.
Lynne: I hate junk food, even though it seems all the other aspies I know love junk food, I hate the smell of it all. I like fresh food, made into something hot by me (or someone else). My partner could live on roast chicken, but I don’t like the bones – yuck! So our compromise is that even though I can get really tired and overwhelmed, I get to shop and cook all the time, but that if my partner does cook for me, I have to stay out of the kitchen and I have to not complain about it! It works for us, but it took a while to work this out. Before, I used to get all control freak about the kitchen and would hover around upsetting her with my critical instructions about how to cook stuff properly.
If you really hate confrontation, you may find yourself compromising all the time in order to avoid any conflict, but this is not a healthy way to have a relationship. It may be that you can work out a system to express your wants and needs in a non-confrontational way, such as emailing, texting, drawing or leaving post-it notes for your partner. Relationships are made up of two or more adults, and should be on the basis that the people involved are viewed as equally important in the relationship. If you compromise too much, you may be making your partner very uncomfortable or implying that you do not value yourself in the relationship.
You should accept each other’s right to say no to any type of sexual activity as well as to dress in any way that is legal, and to have friends of your own choosing. Acceptance of each other’s careers/jobs or study or voluntary work is also important, as these can be a part of someone’s identity. Even if one or both of you needs to move work/study places in order to make your relationship work, there should be acceptance and support for the work/study and how to continue this so you can both achieve what you want to.
Many adults on the autism spectrum require a significant amount of ‘me time’ within a relationship, and it is useful to let people know this before you live together if you are hoping to make your relationship work long term. Some people choose to live separately or to have separate bedrooms, and these choices support their long-term relationships. For other people the idea of having separate bedrooms would be so distressing that it could end a relationship. If you are still learning to understand the way you experience and express your autism/Asperger’s, then it can help your partner if you are clear about any sensory issues and you find solutions and strategies to support you both to live well together, even if this means some compromise.
Jo: I am really noise sensitive and I hate the TV ads because they come on louder and, even though I know it is going to happen, it just enrages me. If I am home by myself, I listen to the TV really quietly, but if my wife is home, she has it on quite loud, though the volume indicator is only about 40%. She wanted me to buy some noise cancelling headphones, but I didn’t want to because I thought I would look silly. After a few years of me taking the remote and turning it down and her taking it back and turning it up, I got some headphones and they are awesome! I can’t even hear the washing machine if I put the noise cancelling on. I don’t know why I didn’t try her suggestion a few years ago – we could have saved ourselves a lot of stress.