17
Sexual Activity with Someone Else
Sexual activity with another person is as varied and personal as masturbation: what feels good for you with one partner may not feel the same with another. Engaging in sexual activity with someone else requires consent from both/all people and relies on everyone involved having some level of sexual interest or desire. In addition, you should be aware of sexual health and personal safety issues. You may also want to use a safe word.
A safe word is an explicit system that people can use whereby each person chooses a word that if it is said during sexual activity, signals a need to stop everything immediately. This is commonly used in the sadomasochistic community (S&M) and the bondage and domination (BD) community. Sometimes, these two are grouped together under the acronym of BDSM. Safe words need to be words that are not normally used in your everyday conversation, so, for example, you might choose dandelion, unless you were a gardener or happen to collect dandelions. Each person reminds the other person(s) of their safe word prior to sexual activity, and it is agreed what will happen when a safe word is said.
Examples of what might happen are:
John: When I say my safe word, the agreement is that all touching, kissing, or anything else will stop immediately and my partner will give me a blanket to wrap myself up in and then go away and leave me alone for ten minutes. I can get hypersensitive to touch so that a nice touch can suddenly feel really painful, so using a safe word has enabled us to try out sex without the idea freaking me out too much.
Ash: My partner was raped many years ago and she has PTSD [post-traumatic stress disorder], so we have a safe word system so she can feel safe and loved and valued all the time. If she says her word, I know this means to stop anything except hugging, and to hug her real tight and squeeze until she says she is OK now. Often we can carry on what we were doing before after she feels OK again, but it is up to her. I think it is so awful that some people feel they can do stuff without the other person’s consent and this is such a small thing to do to make sure she is OK.
Nina: I knew this girl who would forget to breathe when she was getting close to having an orgasm. I had to keep telling her to breathe. I would have liked a safe word that meant – I’m stopping until you breathe. I was always worried she would faint or get unconscious and I wouldn’t know what to do.
Safe words can be particularly useful for people on the autism spectrum who may need a break from the intensity of physical or emotional feeling during sexual activity. For other autistics it can provide a mechanism to ensure that their consent is respected and help them to feel comfortable and confident in engaging in sexual activity.
Sexual activity is often portrayed as only involving a penis and a vagina, with the penis being inserted into and then repeatedly partially withdrawn from the vagina. However, this is only a very small aspect to sexual activity, which is also referred to as penetrative sex, sex or fucking. All these phrases can be used for any sexual act that involves inserting a penis, finger(s) or other object into a vagina, anus or mouth (sometimes called orifices).
Some people like to self-stimulate/masturbate when they are with another person(s) and this is fine. Other people prefer to experience sexual pleasure and/or orgasm from the touch or actions of someone else. This is fine too. Often sexual encounters start with the two people kissing each other. This may be with lips touching lips, or the lips of one person kissing somewhere on the body of the other person. When people are lip kissing, some people like to have their mouths open and let their tongues touch during the kissing. It is OK to like this or not like it. There are no rules about what you should do apart from having consent from everyone involved and not breaking the law.
Kissing someone’s body can be slow or quick, concentrated in one area or moving around to kiss the person over a large part of their body. If someone starts off by kissing you slowly and gently and becomes more intense and/or firmer and/or quicker, this often indicates an increase in sexual desire. If you prefer a particular kind of kissing, once you have realized this you need to let your partner(s) know, so that it is as pleasurable as possible for both of you.
Kissing and touching are sometimes referred to as foreplay, with penetrative sex seen as the sex act/action. But for some people, kissing and/or touching are the only sexual activities they enjoy and they do not engage in penetrative sex. Yet other people do not like kissing and/or touching and only enjoy penetrative sex. It can be very confusing if you do not discuss each other’s preferences openly. It is perfectly acceptable to ask someone to kiss/touch you in a different way because you prefer it. If you do this, very rarely the other person will get angry. If they do, this is a strong indicator that they are not interested in your pleasure and are focused on their own pleasure at the expense of yours. In general this is a signal that this person is not going to have a positive or supportive relationship with you.
Touching can be with fingertips, hands, body parts or inanimate objects such as feathers, fabrics, textured objects, etc. It can be very light and gentle through to very firm and strong/hard with a myriad of variations inbetween. You might find that you enjoy or dislike types of touch during sexual activity that during other activities have the opposite effect, or you may find that types of touch you don’t like normally are even more horrendous at these times. There is no way to predict this without experimenting first. Having open and honest discussions about what different touches feel like on different parts of your body can help your partner to feel confident around your body as they explore how to have the most positive and pleasurable time with you.
Emotions, physical and mental health states can all affect how you experience sexual activity and how you respond to it, and this is quite normal. For example, desire often decreases when people are very tired or stressed, so if you or your partner is very tired, sexual interactions can seem to be more hard work than pleasurable. Some people find sex is a good strategy for releasing stress and tension and they may enjoy sex more when they are stressed, so again being open and honest about your preferences is important.
Felicity: I met this woman who asked if I wanted to fuck when I was in my early 20s. I met her at a lesbian bar and it was unusual because I never knew when people were interested in me but she was quite blunt and clear so I got that! She was in the country on business and didn’t want to take me to her hotel, so we went to my flat. But it was weird – once we were there she kind of took charge and gave instructions like: take your clothes off, lie down. I was young, she was interesting and I really liked sex, so I just went along with it. She then said I couldn’t touch her, not at all as she hated being touched but loved touching. That was fine by me, it was a really interesting experience. I suppose it was an advantage to being autistic, I wasn’t offended by her bluntness, I appreciated knowing what she meant without having to guess if I had interpreted it right.
There are a wide variety of sexual activities for people to engage in, including some that are categorized in special subareas, such as BDSM. All of these activities should be engaged in with respect for the other person(s). Even though some books and movies might suggest that some relationships are based on ideas of slavery, this is not the case for healthy relationships, even when it appears that one person is in charge. Before engaging in any BDSM activities, you should agree safe words with the people involved.
Bondage is an area of sexual activity that involves restraining someone during sexual activity. Restraint needs to be safe and should not impede breathing in any way. Care needs to be taken around sensory issues and health issues when engaging in bondage – in large cities it is possible to attend courses on how to practise bondage safely. Otherwise, if you are interested, it would be good to read some books or blogs first, to get an understanding of the basics. Never engage in BDSM when you or the other person have taken drugs or drunk alcohol, as misjudgements in these situations can be very dangerous. Bondage can be intense or fun and playful. Just make sure that whenever you’re engaging in any type of bondage, you need to be able to get your partner out of any restraint in an emergency. Keep some safety scissors nearby all the time and always monitor your partner’s circulation.
Domination is where the dominant sexual partner is ‘in charge’ of the sexual activity and the other person (people) is submissive and ‘submits’ to the activity. There may or may not be bondage involved. Although it might sound as if one person is in charge, usually the people involved are acting and playing a game that is designed to heighten the sexual pleasure of everyone concerned. For example, one person may like to be less active and more passive than the other, and if this is acted out through fantasy or talk it could be called domination/submission.
Kara: I orgasm very easily and my partner finds it fun to try to ensure that I have a really big intense orgasm, as this seems to be something that can really help me to self-regulate and be calmer in our day-to-day life. We often do this by him being more dominant and telling me that I am not allowed to orgasm yet, and me acting more submissive and making my body not orgasm yet. Even though I am an aspie control freak, when we act like this I have the most amazing sexual experiences, so much more intense and worthwhile than just regular sex.
Mike: I have to be in control of what happens when we have sex: where I am touched, how and how long for. My boyfriend understands this and he knows that if I am in control we will have sex, he will get to have his pleasure and I, mine, but if I am not in control, nothing will happen!
Sadomasochism was first discussed in terms of power and control only, by German psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebing in his 1886 book Psychopathia Sexualis. Freud popularized the idea that one person could be both sadist and masochist, which modern SM practitioners call switching. Havelock Ellis explored sadomasochism further in his Studies in the Psychology of Sex (1897–1928), and argued that the aspects of sadism and masochism are complementary emotional states. Ellis noted that in sadomasochism pain is concerned only with sexual pleasure, and is not used to inflict cruelty, as implied by Freud. This accords with the views of people involved in sadomasochism, who say that pain should only be inflicted or received in love, not in abuse, and only for the pleasure of both participants. This painful pleasure may a core part of the sexual fulfillment of individuals who enjoy sadomasochism.
Fifty Shades of Grey popularized a very simplified and unrealistic version of BDSM, which has more in common with fantasy than reality. However, as long as you are only involved in legal, consenting sexual activity, it is OK to explore your interpretations of any/all aspects of BDSM.
If you want to experiment with a different type of sexual activity but are not sure and your partner is not sure, you should talk about it first. Why do you want to try it? What are you hoping to experience? What are the issues? How will it affect either/both of you from an emotional/physical/sensory perspective?
As with all relationship issues, seeking out and trying various solutions is far more practical and useful than assigning blame or fault. Sex should be fun, it should help create bonds of trust and/or care/love, and it should not cause problems. If it is causing problems, try to address these, whether by yourselves or through relationship counselling.
If you or your sexual partner(s) have any additional health issues or disabilities, this does not mean that you cannot or should not have a healthy sex life. The activities that you may be able to engage in may be restricted or need to be adapted, and the way you/they can bring yourselves/each other pleasure may need to be explored for a while before you find mutually pleasurable activities.
References
Havelock, E. (1897–1928) Studies in the Psychology of Sex (Vols. 1–6). Philadelphia, PA: F. A. Davis Co.
Krafft-Ebing, R. (1886) Psychopathia Sexualis Eine klinisch-forensische Studie. Stuttgart: Ferdinand Enke.