19

Choosing Not to Have Children

It is OK not to want children of your own, or to have children in the house you live in. If you feel this way and your partner agrees with you, this is an easy choice. However, if you do not want children but your partner does, this can mean the end of the relationship. Never lie to your partner in the hope that they will change their mind. Heterosexual couples are often expected by other family members to have children. Non-heterosexual couples do not usually have the same expectations imposed on them.

If you do not want to live in a house with children and you meet someone who you would like to have a long-term sexual relationship with, you need to find out if they have children. It is OK to ask people who you have just met if they have children. If they say yes, you should ask how old they are. Do not just turn around and walk off, as this will be seen as very rude.

You can have a sexual relationship with someone and yet both live in your own houses. However, if you do not want children and they have children, this is unlikely to work. People who are parenting alone (single parents) often need to prioritize their children over sexual relationships. If you meet a pregnant woman, she will soon become a mother so, if you do not like children, it would be unwise to become sexually involved.

If you meet an adult and they ask if you have children, you can simply say ‘no I don’t’. It is perceived as quite odd to add ‘and I never want any’. You could however say, ‘I enjoy being child free’, and this is quite socially acceptable. If you do not want children and are medically unable to have children, it is OK to say, ‘no I don’t, I can’t have kids’. Some people will respond to this in an emotional manner. Many people find it sad if someone is unable to have children. They may say something like, ‘oh, I’m sorry’. A polite response to this is ‘thanks’.

Some people may find out that you do not want to have children and they may want to know why. You do not have to explain why, no matter how often they ask. If you do want to explain, they may want to try to persuade you that you should have children. It would be unwise to have a sexual relationship with someone like this as they will continually try to persuade you even though you have been honest.

Faith: I never wanted children and I had the perfect relationship for a number of years with this really great guy who seemed to understand me perfectly and we had such fun together. Then after a couple of years he started talking about wanting children and asking if I wanted to try to make a baby. I was so cross with him, I have no idea why he thought I would change my mind. Why would I want screaming, crying and dirty nappies? I wanted to say, would you like me to make you a gingerbread baby, like a gingerbread man cookie, but I didn’t think he would see the humour. Instead we broke up. I have never found anyone I am as comfortable with but I couldn’t share his vision for our future and it would have been wrong of me to pretend I could. He is married with kids now, we are friends on Facebook but that’s all.

Jo: I have mental health issues as well as autism and the medication I take can damage a baby so I would have to stop taking my medication if I wanted a baby, and whenever I try to stop I end up in hospital with a mental health crisis, so it’s not worth it for me. I don’t need a baby to complete my life; I am quite happy without one and now my husband sees how expensive kids are for his friends, so he is finally OK with it.

Greg: I asked my GP if I could have a vasectomy when I was still a teenager. I have always known I don’t want children. The GP said no because ‘you might change your mind’. More than 20 years later I haven’t changed my mind. I don’t know why it is hard for some people to believe or accept that someone can never want children.

For some women the choice to have children is not one that they realize they can make, instead some women just assume that it is a part of life, if they can find a partner. If you, or you and your partner, have never discussed the pros and cons of having children, it is a good idea to do so. In times gone by it was thought that having children would bring a couple closer together, but it is now known that this is rubbish! Children are expensive and hard work, and for some people this is enough of a reason to decide not to have them. For other people, the reasons not to have children relate to their own sensory issues, whereby the presence of a child would just be too overwhelming. Alternatively, for some people, the risks to the baby during pregnancy from the medications that they require to live well, such as sodium valproate, are too great. For these women, discussions with their clinicians should take place to look at alternative medications if there is any possibility for or desire to have a child.

A pros and cons list is really easy to make and should involve all the adults in the relationship, an example is given in Table 19.1:

Table 19.1 Pros and cons of having children
	Pros – reasons to decide to try to have children	Cons – reasons to decide not to have children
Carrie	I like being around children at my sister’s house. I like the idea of being called Mum.	I like to have peace and quiet in the mornings. I hate the smell of nappies. I dislike pain intensely and worry about childbirth. We struggle financially already and a child would mean that we would really have problems with money.
Chris		I like living with Carrie and just Carrie.

These lists are very personal and may change over time. If one of you is more interested in having children than the other, you could revisit the list every six months or so. Men can produce sperm that are capable of creating life until they are quite old, whereas women’s eggs become less viable with age, which means they are less likely to become pregnant and less likely to carry the baby to full term and have a live birth as they get older. A woman over 35 is medically viewed as an older mother and can be more at risk of complications for the baby during pregnancy and childbirth.

However, older mothers tend to be more financially stable, which can reduce financial stress on new families. They may also have a larger support network of friends and family who are willing and able to help out.