Sean: It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye
“I drove by your mom’s house yesterday. I saw your car in the front yard, but I knew you weren't home. You know I could wash the car for you if you want me too. I know we don’t speak anymore since you left me but at least let me wash the car Harmony.”
I waited for her response, and when she didn’t answer back, the tears began to flow. Curtis put his arm around me and then I let out a violent sob.
“Sean, it’s gone be ok bro. I’m here for you.”
“Why won’t she answer back? Why did she leave me? I was a good man to her?”
I dropped down to my knees and began to cry harder. I couldn’t get any more words out. Curtis just continued to pat me on the back to try and help me through it.
“Harmony, after all these years this is how you do me. I loved you more than life itself. It’s your birthday today, and you can’t even talk to me,” I started crying harder.
Curtis grabbed me with both of his arms and turned me around, “Look at me, bro! She gone man. Harmony is never coming back because she died. She has been dead since 2012 man, and she is never coming back. You can talk to her all you want, but she can’t answer you back.”
“She not gone man. My baby not gone Curtis!”
Curtis grabbed my face and turned it towards her tombstone, “Look at it, man. She dead and never coming back. You need to get over the denial phase, so you can finish going through the stages of grief.”
I read the tombstone, but my heart was not ready to accept what my mind had already known. It has been over five years, and every day I want Harmony to come back to me.
“Sean, you keep looking for Harmony everywhere but she not there. I keep hoping that one day you learn to move on, but you still stuck in this pain. I have watched you sabotage every relationship you have been in since Harmony because you miss her. Don't you think she would want you to move on? You think she doesn't want you to be happy with Melody? I understand today is Harmony’s birthday, but you need to say goodbye for Melody’s sake.”
“Curtis, don’t bring Melody into this.”
“I’m serious Sean. You in denial and until you grieve properly you are toxic to every woman you enter a relationship with. You have been engaged to Melody for two years, and you still haven’t set a wedding date. Melody is beautiful, she takes care of you when you get home from work, and you broke so we know she not with you for your money,” Curtis started laughing.
“It’s not funny man,” I said to Curtis.
“I’m just trying to lighten the mood. I have watched you look for Harmony in every woman you’ve been with, and you can’t find her. Then you end up making an excuse to cheat or push them away because they can’t be Harmony. That ain’t fair.”
“Stop saying that shit, Curtis. I know she died.”
“Sean, you not acting like it. You still driving by her mother house to look at her car. You still come out here to talk to her only to get mad when she doesn’t respond back. Man, and on Thanksgiving, you just shut all the way down.”
“THANKSGIVING!” I yelled!
“Yes, Thanksgiving Sean! The day you and Harmony were arguing over her getting an abortion. The day she decided life was not worth living anymore, so she took her life. She committed suicide man. As much as you would like to blame yourself, it is not your fault. You may have been the person who pushed her over the edge, but psychologically she had a host of issues much deeper than you. You need to see a counselor and get closure or at least come to church. Every week Melody is at church alone praying for you.”
“Fuck you, Curtis. Why you have to bring that up!” I could feel my anger rising.
I could still see Harmony face that night. All day she had been staring off into the distance and quiet. The whole ride to her mother’s house she was just in a daze. I kept trying to talk to her, but she would not say a word. Finally, after Thanksgiving dinner, she pulled me to the side. She showed me the pregnancy test and waited for my reaction. I was young, I was scared, and I wasn’t ready to be a father. I told her that we should get rid of the baby. She broke down in tears. We got home and argued all night about how she was good enough to sleep with, good enough to be a girlfriend, but not good enough to be the mother of my child. That night she took some pills and never woke up again. I lost her and my only child that day.
“I’m not the enemy here man. I’m just telling you that I am here for you. I’m always here for you. You are my brother, and I am your keeper.”
Just hearing Curtis say those words “My brother’s keeper” hurt me deeply. Curtis was always there for me since I was a shorty and I had just stabbed him in the back. He is trying to help me get over my issues, and only three weeks ago I was in his house sleeping with his wife. He was right I needed some professional help to get through the pain of losing Harmony and my child.
“I can’t do it, Curtis. I can’t go on. I killed her. I killed them both. I should have just been a man, but I was broke and young.”
“Sean, you can’t change the past man. I know you mad at yourself, but you need to get some help. I gotta leave and get home, and you need to do the same. I think you should call the Pastor and see if he can refer you to a grief counselor. Promise me one thing, man.”
“What?”
“That you be here for me like I’m here for you.”
A single tear rolled down my cheek. I thought about how I had his wife Kianna bent over the side of his couch. The same couch we watch football on. How Kianna gave me head in the same bed, they share. I was the worst guy on earth, and Curtis didn’t deserve me.
“I promise bro. You got my word.”
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I reached into my pocket and unlocked the screen. I had a text message from Melody.
“Damn Sean, they cut the lights off. Why didn’t you pay the bill?”
I can't take anymore today.
I drove home slowly thinking about everything Curtis was saying. It was time I got over Harmony, and I do need to appreciate Melody more. I can’t believe I disrespected Curtis by sleeping with his wife. Curtis didn’t deserve that at all. I finally got home and was ready to face Melody and make some changes. I walked into the house and Melody was sitting on the couch surrounded by candles. She was wearing a tank top and Pink panties leaving her caramel thighs exposed. She looked up at me, and I could see the reflection of the flames dancing in her green eyes.
“I’m tired, Sean. Today is my last day here. I’m leaving you. I texted you two hours ago and told you the lights were off. You never responded back, and you walk through the door like everything is cool.”
I walked over to the light switch and turned the lights on. “I got your text and paid the bill. The lights are on so what’s the problem.”
“What’s the problem? The problem is I’m tired of being ignored by you. You don’t know how to communicate with people. Every time I talk you tune me out.”
“Look, I paid the light bill as soon as you text me. I had a long day, and I just want to lay down before I have to go to work tonight.”
“Why did you have a long day? Did your long day include sitting in the house with candles? Did your long day include going all the way to the beauty shop only to find out the bitch ordered you the wrong hair? Did your day include dealing with a person who can’t communicate with you to save their life?”
I took a glance at her hair, “I was wondering why you had those blonde braids. What happened with your hair.”
Her face squinted up, “Sean, I’m leaving I can’t do this anymore. I have given everything I could to this relationship. I cook, I clean, I open my legs, and it seems everything I do is just not good enough for you. I mean damn I know you pay the bills, but that was a responsibility you wanted. When I came into this relationship, I was working. You are the one that proposed to me and told me since we're engaged working was now optional. You the one that said, ‘I got this.’ Now it’s been two years since we got engaged and I’m still unmarried with no kids. I see why Harmony left yo ass. Shit, if I were smart, I would have left you a long time ago.”
The very mention of her name out of Melody's mouth lit a fire within me. “You wanna leave then leave. I don’t need this shit. You don’t know shit about Harmony. She ain’t leave me because she ain’t want me no more. We just didn’t work out.”
“Sean, you are crazy. It took me awhile to realize how crazy you are, but you are nuts. You need professional help. You can’t keep going from relationship to relationship acting like this. You started off being the sweetest man I have ever known, and now it’s like you are not even present. What did I do so bad to make you change up on me like this?”
I walked over to the couch and sat down next to her. I started rubbing her lower back. She moved so I couldn’t touch her.
“How come you always push me away? Since I proposed all you have done is push away from me. I come home after a long day of work to arguments and complaints. I try and get in the bed with you, and there is always an excuse for why you can’t touch me. I get home from work at 8:00 A.M. every day and you are tired. How are you too tired to have sex at that time in the morning?”
“Sex, sex, sex, is that all you think about? Yes, you get home at 8:00 A.M. but the whole time you at work I’m up texting you and waiting for your phone call, so I’m tired. Plus, I don’t want to keep having sex with a man who won’t marry me. I’m not going to keep opening my legs for you when you can’t commit to a wedding date. Plus, the bills not paid.”
“I’m sick of coming home to my house and sleeping on the couch,” I said.
She got up from the couch and started walking to the bedroom. “Your house! Since you pay the bills in here, this is your house! On that note, it is time for me to go. I’m bout to pack my shit and get on. You think because you barely pay the bills in here that it's just your house. What the fuck am I your roommate or your child? You don’t respect me, Sean. Why don’t you find Harmony and be with her? I checked your Facebook today from my other account since you blocked me, and I saw your post.”
I stared at her as she was packing her bags. This morning I wrote a happy birthday post to Harmony. I talked about the times we shared and the bond we had. I talked about how much I missed her. I had no idea Melody could see it because I blocked her months ago.
“You still love that bitch? That’s why you can’t commit to me? I hope you and Harmony have a happy life together. It’s obvious to me that you have abandonment issues. Your mother left you every time she got a new boyfriend. Your father left and never came back looking for you. Harmony left you because you’re crazy. All those people leaving you has severely fucked you up. The minute you feel like someone is pushing you away or leaving you then you get defensive.
Listen, I would never leave you; I’m not them. If I pushed you away, it was not intentional. I tried to talk to you about how I feel, but you don't listen. However, I am not a fool. I am not going to commit the rest of my life to a man who would rather sleep on the couch than hold me. I am not going to commit my life to a man that posts Happy Birthday messages to his ex. You and Harmony can be together, and she can help you get over your abandonment issues.”
Without thinking, I jumped in her face and pointed my finger at her forehead, “If you wanna leave then leave. Don’t tell me what I want and don't mention any of my past relationships. What’s going on between you and me has nothing to do with anybody else. I sleep on the couch because every time I get in the bed, you start an argument. I sleep on the couch because every time I touch you, it’s a problem. So, I go to the couch and masturbate since you won’t fuck me. I said happy birthday to Harmony because she was always there for me. So, if you wanna leave me then leave December! Give me back my ring and just go!”
Tears started flowing down her eyes, “I wasted my time with you. Everybody told me that I was wasting my time with you. They all said that you had issues. I was faithful to you even when I didn’t want to be. I’m tired of crying. I’m leaving you.”
She walked out the house with my heart in her hand. I didn't want to lose her, but I couldn't take her disrespecting Harmony. Now she walks out the fucking door. I can’t even sleep. I’m not going to work tonight. I’m a sit here and wait for Melody to come through that door.