After her escapade with the neighbors’ dog, Helena had tried to brush out the horrendous nest of hair, but it hadn’t done much good. So, she had lain down on the chaise longue in her room and fallen asleep, awaking some time later to a knock on her door. The sun was making its way down to the water, and she could hear the hum of the beetles on the front lawn. The grass had been brown for some weeks now, burnt out by the long, hot summer.
“Helena,” she heard Nick call softly. “Can I come in, darling?”
Helena sighed.
Nick didn’t wait for an answer, of course, she just pushed the door open slowly and poked her head in.
“I don’t want to fight. Not on your birthday.”
Helena looked at her. There were so many things she couldn’t say to Nick anymore that it made it almost impossible to say anything at all. Even the small pleasantries, or minor concessions.
“We’re not fighting,” she said. She felt tired.
“I’ve brought you something. A peace offering, and a gift. Can I come in?”
“Of course you can come in,” Helena said. “It’s your house.”
Nick pretended she didn’t hear the last comment. She was carrying a brown parcel under her arm. On the side table next to the chaise longue, she put down a small white pill.
“I found an aspirin.” She looked at Helena as if she expected her to jump up and rejoice.
“Thank you,” she said. She kept her hands in her lap, clasped tightly around her book.
“And I wanted to give you your birthday present. Before dinner.” Nick placed the package next to her.
Helena waited, hoping she would leave and not make her open the present and pretend gratitude in front of her.
“Go on, darling, open it. I’m feeling pretty clever about it.” Nick smiled one of her winning smiles.
Involuntarily, Helena found herself smiling back. She picked up the parcel and tore the paper, revealing carefully folded fabric: light blue muslin, embroidered with gold tigers. She pulled it out and unfolded a dress, knee-length and fitted at the waist, with a bell-shaped bottom.
“I used one of your old patterns, with a little tweaking, just to update it, and had it remade for you. What do you think?”
Helena gingerly touched the cloth. It was beautiful.
“Do you love it?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Oh, I knew you would. Hughes worried that you might not, because it had been my dress, before. But I told him Grandfather had brought it back for both of us and I had been selfish in taking it. I know it was selfish, darling. I’m sorry.” Nick clasped her hands together.
“You said you were going to make cushions out of it,” Helena said, careful not to sound reproachful.
“Oh, I know. I know, and I made a dress. Well, I said I was sorry, and I am.” Nick looked up at the ceiling for a minute and Helena could tell she was trying to keep her temper. It made Helena smile inwardly. “In any case, darling, I’m just thrilled you love it.”
Helena placed the dress over her lap and smoothed the fabric with her hand.
“Well,” Nick said, finally, when Helena remained silent. “I guess I’ll leave you to it. I have to go prepare for your birthday dinner.” She stood and then turned. “Oh, I forgot to tell you. I’m sorry, darling, but your cake appears to have been stolen, if you can believe it. Must have been one of the neighborhood boys. We looked everywhere for it, but it’s just vanished. The strangest thing. I am sorry. I know how much you love angel food.”
“Amazing,” Helena said.
Nick walked to the door. “I really do love this room,” she said. “I’ve always loved it, especially those bluebirds.” Then she shut the door softly behind her.
Helena fell back against the chaise longue. God, she hated her. The worst part of it was that she also missed her. She was charming and she was fun and awful, all at the same time. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to forgive her cousin, it was that she just couldn’t. She had gone too far. Helena had only ever really wanted one thing and Nick had ruined it.
“Why do you believe she’s stronger than you?”
“I don’t believe that.”
“If she’s not stronger than you, then how could she take your husband away?”
“She’s one of those people who get what they want. And she decided I had made a mistake.”
“Who are these people who get what they want? Why do you feel like you aren’t one of those people?”
“Because I’m not a fool, Dr. Kroll. I know what the world’s like.”
“And what is the world like, Mrs. Lewis?”
“The world is cruel to the innocent.”
“And you are innocent?”
“I was, yes. I know I was.”
Helena could hear them downstairs. Tyler, it seemed, had arrived. She caught his voice, and then Daisy’s laughter. It was a specific kind of laughter, the kind girls produced when someone they loved told them something charming about themselves.
Helena put on her girdle and then looked at the dress lying on the bed. Of course Nick would think it was all right to give her something she had already worn, something used. She had intended to throw the dress in the wastepaper basket. But she knew they would worry, they would think she wasn’t well again. So, the dress could just go to the back of the closet, and it could stay there until kingdom come, for all she cared.
But looking at it, lying there on the bed—blue the color of evening and the perfectly stitched gold tigers—she began to have second thoughts. She picked it up and slipped it over her head, zipping up the side. It fit perfectly, she had to give it to Nick.
She crossed the room to the vanity and looked in the mirror. The dress matched the color of her eyes, and for a moment she wished Avery could have seen her in it.
“I love you,” he’d say. “My movie star.”
She closed her eyes and imagined him, holding out his arms to her. She would fall into him and he would pull her very close.
Helena opened her eyes and looked at herself, standing in the blue dress in the middle of the room. No, she decided, she would wear it after all. This dress was made for her; tigers suited her very well. In fact, tigers were just perfect.
“You say soul mates. If that is the case, why do you think your husband hasn’t come to visit you here?”
“Because he doesn’t know where I am.”
“I see. Why is that?”
“Because she won’t tell him. She paid him off to stay away.”
“And why do you think he would accept that? Why would he accept money to give up his wife?”
“He needed the money, Dr. Kroll. For something he’s been working his whole life on. The most important thing to him.”
“So you are expendable.”
“I don’t really think I know how to answer that question.”
“Why is that, Mrs. Lewis?”
“Because you make it sound like he had a choice, which he didn’t.”
“It wasn’t a choice?”
“No. She had a choice. But we didn’t.”
“Aunt Helena?” Daisy was tapping on her door.
What was this, Grand Central Station? Why couldn’t she just be left in peace for one blessed moment?
“Yes, sweetest lamb? What can I do for you?”
Daisy opened the door and, just like Nick, peeked around.
“I have a surprise for you.”
“Really, now what would that be, dearest? I feel like I’ve been spoiled enough today.”
She heard Daisy whispering behind the door. Helena turned back to the mirror.
“Hello, Mother.”
Looking up, she saw her son standing in the doorway. He took her breath away, he was so handsome.
“Ed, dearest.” She rose to go to him, but found herself hesitating, stopping just a few feet in front of him. “Well, this certainly is a surprise.”
“I know,” Daisy said, pushing in behind her son. She was always doing that, touching him, bossing him around, as if there were no barriers between them. Helena envied her. “Isn’t it just the best? Ty drove him in from the city.”
Helena saw Ed turn to look at his cousin. As always, his expression remained relatively unchanged, although Helena detected a kind of softness there. Again, she wondered if her son was in love with her niece. But she knew that wasn’t quite it. Something else, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. In any case, it suited her fine.
“Ed has been very mysterious with his comings and goings, but I managed to pin him down.” Daisy was practically beaming over her coup.
“Happy birthday, Mother.” Ed crossed to Helena and kissed her on the cheek. The kiss was neither warm nor cold. She wouldn’t call it perfunctory, but it was close.
“Have you been very busy with work, dearest?”
“Yes, Ed Lewis, what have you been up to?” Daisy stamped her foot in mock outrage. “I tried your office a hundred times and they said you were away on business. Now, what kind of business does a market researcher have to do away from the office? I thought you all sat in basement dungeons, poring over figures.”
“Housewives in Iowa,” Ed said, looking at Daisy. “How they feel about Hoover’s latest model.”
“Dearest, all the way to Iowa and back for my birthday? Well, I couldn’t be more touched.” Helena tentatively put her hand to his cheek. He was so pale, as if he hadn’t seen the sun all summer long.
“Well,” Daisy said, looking from one of them to the other. “I should probably go help out Mummy. You know what she’s like when she’s preparing a dinner. Don’t get up to anything naughty without me,” she sang over her shoulder, with a wave.
Ed watched Daisy leave and then turned back to Helena. “How are you feeling, Mother?”
“Just fine, dearest.”
“What happened to your hair?” Unlike Nick, Ed wasn’t mocking her; he seemed genuinely curious.
Helena laughed. “I’m afraid I had a little run-in with the hairdresser. Daisy’s treat. I suppose I was feeling a little blue this morning.”
“Why would she think that would make you feel better?”
“Oh, Ed, I don’t think she thought it would turn out like this.” Helena walked over to the mirror and patted her hair. “Did you say hello to your Aunt Nick?” She tried to make her voice sound light, but she watched her son’s face in the mirror.
“I haven’t seen her yet.” His expression was impassive.
“It’s nice that Tyler could make it for the dinner. I know how well he gets along with the family, especially your aunt.”
Helena gazed down at the collection of lipsticks on the vanity, trying to decide on a color that would complement the dress. She chose Catch-Me-Coral. “Although, I must admit, I do wonder sometimes if it makes Daisy uncomfortable. He does dote so on Aunt Nick.”
“Yes,” Ed said. “He’s watching her.”
“I’m not sure how I would feel as a young bride-to-be, if my beloved paid so much attention to someone else, even if it was my mother.” Helena applied the lipstick, and then leaned back on the stool to inspect herself. “Then again, Daisy’s so lovely, she’d never say if it hurt her.”
“What are you trying to say, Mother?”
“Nothing,” Helena said, turning around to face him. “I just wouldn’t want to see Daisy get hurt, that’s all. Nor would you, I imagine.”
“No,” Ed said. “I wouldn’t let that happen.”
“Of course you wouldn’t.” Helena stopped and pretended to fiddle with something on her dress. “It’s just that your Aunt Nick, well, she can be stubborn when she thinks she’s right. Sometimes, people like that need to be forced to see how dangerous their behavior can be. Do you know what I mean?”
Ed was silent, watching her.
She swiveled back to the mirror, smoothed her hair down one last time and fastened her pearl earrings. “There,” she said, patting her knees and looking at her son in the reflection. “Shall we go down and join the others?” She tried to give her best impression of Nick’s hundred-watt smile, all wide pleasure and glittering eyes. But, in the end, she just felt like she was baring her teeth.
“What about your son, Mrs. Lewis? You said you two haven’t been close in the last few years. Why is that? Is that because of your husband?”
“No. He’s a teenager. I don’t think teenage boys have much time for their mothers, in general.”
“I see.”
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I’m not sure I agree with that assessment.”
“For heaven’s sakes, Dr. Kroll, I don’t know.”
“I think you do, Mrs. Lewis. You said he began to communicate less after he found a dead body, some summers back, is that right?”
“I said that I thought it might have scared him. I suppose he became a little quieter after that summer, but Ed has always been different. I know that’s a dirty word here, but I don’t see anything wrong with not being like every other blessed person.”
“Does it upset you to think he is different from other boys his age?”
“What did I just say?”
“You seemed to think I might not approve, which leads me to believe that you are not entirely comfortable with the idea.”
“I suppose you’re just much more clever than I am, Doctor.”
“Mrs. Lewis, I’m here to help you. I realize that your coming to us wasn’t entirely your choice, but judging from our time together, I can safely conclude that you are, at the very least, extremely unhappy. People who are unhappy are considered unwell. We must find a way for you to feel better. Do you understand?”
“So that I can be free.”
“If you like.”
“I suppose it did use to bother me that he wasn’t like other children his age, Ed, I mean. But I think he has a peculiar inner strength. I think he was meant for great things. Many unusual people do great things.”
“You think he’s special.”
“Yes. Special. And strong. Strong is the most important.”
The dinner table was decorated with small vases of pink cosmos, and a little gold paper crown sat on top of Helena’s plate. On Ed’s arm, she made her way into the blue sitting room, where everyone had gathered for cocktails, except for Nick, whom she could hear humming in the kitchen. Daisy, wearing a thin sundress with an ivy print, was sitting on Tyler’s lap, while Hughes told some joke.
“Aha,” Hughes said, when he saw her in the doorway. “What can I get for our lovely birthday girl?”
“I suppose one glass of champagne wouldn’t hurt.”
Hughes poured the glass and handed it to Tyler, who ferried it over to her.
“Happy birthday, Aunt Helena,” he said, handing her the coupe. He was wearing his usual uniform, khakis and a striped Oxford, rolled up at the sleeves. The perfect little son-in-law.
“Thank you, Tyler. It really was so lovely of you to bring Ed with you for my little celebration.”
“It was my pleasure. Nick knew how much it would please you, and Daisy wouldn’t let up until she’d tracked him down. Where was it, sport? Iowa? Housewives and Hoovers?”
“Yes,” Ed said. “Housewives and Hoovers.” Helena was taken aback by the cruelty in her son’s expression. For a moment, she had the strange impression he was going to tear Daisy’s fiancé limb from limb.
Even Tyler shrank back a bit.
She looked at the two of them a moment longer before taking a sip of her champagne. “Absolutely delicious.”
“You know, I think I hate dinner parties,” Nick said, entering the room. She was still wearing the white silk tunic from the afternoon. “I’m locked away in a hot kitchen while everyone’s being witty and lovely without me.”
“Poor darling,” Hughes said. “We really must stop forcing these things upon you.”
“Yes, Mummy, we all know how much you hate dinner parties,” Daisy said. “What a faker.”
“Oh, laugh if you will, but you know I only started cooking to make your father love me. Pathetic, isn’t it?”
“Well, it worked,” Hughes said, crossing the room to her.
An image of Nick and Hughes, before they were married, came to Helena: of them standing in the road in front of the house. Nick was calling to Helena, and Hughes was next to her, his arm around her cousin, looking at her like he couldn’t believe his luck.
“I, for one, am with Nick,” Tyler said, brushing his hand through his hair and smiling in that boyish, crooked way that drove Helena crazy. “It’s not only unfair to her, but to us as well, because we miss out on her company.”
“Oh, you are a cool one, Tyler Pierce,” Daisy said, narrowing her eyes at him. “If I don’t watch out, you’re going to turn into some kind of lounge lizard on me.”
“At least I won’t be at a loss for words.”
“God forbid,” Helena said.
At the dinner table, Helena donned the crown. The minute it was on her head, she wanted to take it off again, but thought it would appear hostile. So she sat there, feeling foolish instead.
“The last tomatoes of the summer,” Nick said, as she placed their plates in front of them.
The red flesh of the tomato startled Helena, it was so bright, glistening almost indecently against the bone china. The room was still for a minute, with only the sound of their forks clinking against their plates.
“You’ll never believe who I saw at Morning Glory Farm,” Nick said, finally. “That disgusting toad of a man, Frank Wilcox. Shopping or some such nonsense, with his new wife. Who, by the way, looks twelve and stunned by just about everything.”
“I didn’t know the Wilcoxes had divorced,” Helena said.
“Oh, you bet they did. She took her family’s money and made a run for it after that whole business with the maid.”
Ed looked up from his plate. “I didn’t know he was still around.”
“Neither did I,” Nick said. “But there he was, large as life. You know, it was odd, but seeing him made me furious, for some reason.”
“I hadn’t thought about all that in forever,” Daisy said, putting her fork down.
“Well, we never told you this, you were so young. But Frank Wilcox was fooling around with the girl, what was her name? Your father saw them.”
“We know,” Daisy said. “We were listening at the dining room door when he told you.”
“You scamps,” Nick said. “Honestly, can a person not have a private conversation anymore?”
“You were talking with five other people, Mummy. It wasn’t exactly private.” Daisy speared a slice of tomato with her fork.
“Frank Wilcox took me to a dance one summer, before the war,” Helena said. “And he got quite rough on the car ride home. Nothing happened, mind you, but it was a feeling that something might have, if you know what I mean.”
“We do,” Nick said.
Helena remembered his hands, pinching her. They were mean hands. She had found tiny bruises on her skin the next day.
She caught Ed looking at her, his expression unmoved.
“What I can’t believe is that they never found the person who did it,” Daisy said.
Helena saw Hughes and Ed exchange a glance. Not a very friendly one either, she thought.
“I’m not sure it would have made any difference,” Hughes said. “The damage was done.”
“How can you say that, Daddy? Of course it would have made a difference. That poor woman. There has to be some justice for her. Someone has to be punished.”
“My girl, the firebrand,” Tyler said.
“Daisy’s right,” Nick said, thoughtfully. “Maybe it would have helped. Somebody should have been punished.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Hughes said.
“I know, darling,” Nick said, softly. “I know what you meant.”
“Well, anyway,” Daisy said, looking at Tyler, “that was the summer I fell in love with you. And you had the nerve to kiss Peaches Montgomery, you rat.” Her adoration was palpable, heavy and sweet like the angel food cake.
“I had very bad taste in the fifties,” Tyler said, winking at her.
Nick laughed. “Really, Ty, she is too awful.”
“All right, all right.” Tyler held up his hands. “I admit, it was a mistake. But I fell in love with you, too, that summer, in a way, even if I was too much of an idiot to know it.” He looked at Daisy. “At least with your family. With all of this.” He held up his glass. “A toast to the Derringer-Lewises. Thank you for saving me from eternal boredom.”
“Hear, hear.” Hughes raised his glass. “And to our beautiful Helena. Happy birthday. And many happy returns of the day.”
“Happy birthday, darling,” Nick said, leaning over and tapping her glass against Helena’s.
“Thank you, thank you, dear ones,” Helena said, touching her crown. “I wouldn’t be here, for yet another splendid birthday, without you all.”
“Yes, my son came to see me. It was lovely to see him. He’s grown up so much. It frightened me a little bit.”
“How long has it been since you last saw him?”
“I’m … not really sure. The pills, you see …”
“You lost a lot of time with the pills.”
“Yes.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Well, I don’t feel guilty about it, if that’s what you’re trying to make me say. I was very tired at the time.”
“I’m not trying to make you say anything. Can you remember the last time you saw your son?”
“Well, it’s hard. I do have memories of him as a teenager, younger, though. But then she sent him to school and I didn’t see him anymore.”
“ ‘She’ meaning your cousin, Nick.”
“Yes.”
“You feel she took him away from you.”
“Just par for the course. But I’m not going to keep complaining about that, as we discussed. It’s in the past. As you say, she was doing what she thought was right. But it was so lovely to see him today. He’s different, more … more of a real person, I guess.”
“In what way?”
“He’s very self-possessed, which is a good thing, I think.”
“What do you mean when you say ‘self-possessed’?”
“I don’t know. He doesn’t discuss his feelings.”
“And this is something you think is a positive trait?”
“I don’t know. I said ‘self-possessed.’ ”
“You also said he doesn’t discuss his feelings.”
“I’ve never been good at word games, Dr. Kroll.”
“All right. How does your son feel about you being here?”
“I don’t really know. He said I was unwell. And that it was all right. He seemed curious about the hospital, I suppose.”
“I’ve never thought about it. No, not really, I guess. He’s very protective—if that’s the right word—of my niece, Daisy.”
“What do you think he feels about you?”
“I don’t know. As I said, he’s very …”
“Yes, self-possessed. You said earlier that it frightened you, how much he’d grown up. Why did it frighten you?”
“I don’t know why it did, but it just did. He seemed stronger than I remembered.”
“You’ve said in the past that strength is a characteristic you hoped he’d have.”
“Yes. It’s good to be strong. Strong people get what they want, you taught me that in one of our first sessions.”
“I don’t think that’s what I meant.”
“Yes, you did. Only strong people can fight off other strong people. I don’t want my son devoured.”
“You feel you were devoured?”
“Yes, I do. But I guess, seeing him now, I am sure that if anyone’s going to do the devouring in Ed’s life, it’s going to be him.”
“And this makes you happy?”
“Yes, Dr. Kroll. This makes me happy.”
There was no dessert, of course, but Hughes brought out a crystal decanter filled with port.
“Anyone for a nightcap?”
“I don’t know,” Nick said. “That wine was awfully heavy.”
“Oh, go on, Nick,” Tyler said, placing his hand lazily on Nick’s shoulder. As if it were nothing. “It’s a party.”
“Helena, darling?” Nick’s expression was solicitous, but Helena could tell it was a test.
“No, thank you,” Helena said. She had never really cared for port, anyway.
“Aunt Helena, I almost forgot,” Daisy said. “Your present, your real one. But we all have to go into the sitting room.”
“You know, Daisy,” Nick said. “I think Helena may have had enough of your presents for one day.”
Daisy rolled her eyes. “Daddy? I need your support.”
“I shall be the bearer of the port,” Hughes said gaily. “Let us sally forth.”
He was certainly having a good time.
“All right, dearest lamb,” Helena said, putting her palms down on the table and pushing herself out of her chair. “Whatever you say.”
“Yes, dearest lamb,” Tyler said, offering Daisy his hand, probably still warm from Nick’s shoulder, “let’s sally forth.”
Daisy batted Tyler’s hand away. “You all go ahead, I’ll be right back.”
They made their way back into the blue sitting room.
“Helena, would you like something other than port?” Hughes asked.
“Oh,” Helena said. “I’m not sure if I should.”
He looked a little pained and glanced at Nick, who made a small shrug of her shoulders. Helena laughed to herself; they were all so ridiculous.
“A scotch? It is your birthday.”
“You’re right. It is my birthday. Make it a scotch.” Helena smiled sweetly at Nick, who looked away. She was feeling sharper, more awake, than she had in some time, and it felt good.
Nick walked over to one of the big windows, placing her hand on the screen. “Summer’s over. You can almost feel fall in the air, can’t you?”
“I like fall,” Helena said. “It always smells like change to me.”
“Does it?” Nick looked at her. “I don’t know. It smells like death to me, all those wet leaves rotting.”
“They’re the same thing,” Ed said.
“That’s quite a morbid thing to say, there, Ed.” Tyler looked slightly disgusted.
“Why?”
Tyler opened his mouth, and then just shrugged, taking a sip of his port.
“No, I suppose Ed is right,” Nick said. “The seasons and all that. But it makes me sad. I’ve never liked either one of those things, change or death.”
“But you’re the devil, you’re going to live forever,” Helena said. “Old Nick, just like Grandfather said.”
“Thank you, darling, you’re too kind.”
“Aren’t you? You could have fooled me.” Helena tried to laugh, but it sounded harsh, even to her.
“Well,” Nick said, “I suppose I am. So what? I’m not going to apologize for it.”
“No, no, of course not.” Helena took another sip of her scotch.
“I suppose that would suit you, would it?”
“Why would what suits me ever be an issue?”
“Oh, Christ in heaven, Helena, why don’t you just come out and say whatever it is you have to say.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, dearest.”
“Fine, have it your way.” Nick was shaking her head in a way that made Helena want to slap her. “I may be the devil, but goddamn it, I’m your devil and you’d better get used to it.”
The room had gone quiet. Tyler was looking at the floor and Ed had his eyes on Nick. Hughes, on the other hand, had disappeared. Typical, Helena thought.
“OK, everyone,” Daisy said, coming into the room with a slim square package under her arm, oblivious, as usual. “Ta-dah.” She handed it to Helena. “Daddy? Get back in here, we need you. Where’s he gone?”
Helena tore at the wrapping paper with a vehemence that surprised even her. It was a record. The cover showed some sort of hazy hippie man, with his head turned. VAN MORRISON BLOWIN’ YOUR MIND! it read in fat, sausagelike writing. Helena laughed out loud, and held it up for the rest to see.
Nick put her hand over her mouth, trying to stifle her own laughter, her eyes locked with Helena’s. “Daisy darling, really. Do you think that’s appropriate for your aunt?”
“Oh, don’t be such fuddy-duddies. It’s not about drugs,” Daisy said, taking the album and heading for the record player. “You have to hear this song, Aunt Helena. It’s called ‘Brown-Eyed Girl.’ It’s about you.” She squinted at Helena. “Except, of course, you have blue eyes.” And then Daisy started laughing, too. “Oh, well, never mind. I’m not really doing so well today, am I?” She put the needle to the vinyl.
A little drumbeat and then the sound of a guitar, like calypso. Helena smiled. It was a good song, a glad song, the kind that made you want to be happy, even if you didn’t feel like it.
Daisy took Tyler’s hand and started to do a little twist. Eventually, she held her hand out to Ed and pulled him toward her, the three of them forming a small circle.
Helena watched them, a little band of young gypsies, with everything in front of them. Even her son, always so serious, doing his version of Daisy’s Chubby Checker–style twist.
She looked at Nick. Her cousin held out her hand. Helena sighed and then took it. Nick pulled her up and put her arm around Helena’s waist.
“We are old fuddy-duddies,” Nick said.
Helena leaned her face against her cousin’s soft cheek and felt an indescribable longing. Over Nick’s shoulder, she could see the kids smiling at them. All except Ed. She was glad he didn’t pretend. She needed him. She had set the ball rolling and now she needed him to be strong and true.
She could smell her cousin’s perfume and thought about those wet leaves she had been talking about. How could she still love Nick, after everything? Helena’s head felt like it might split; it was too much to think about. She couldn’t bear it. So instead, she just held Nick, tight, as if it might be the last time.