It’s one of the most famous ’taches in cricket, worn above the lip of Merv Hughes. And boy, could the Aussie paceman be lippy.
As it’s now known, ‘sledging’ – according to the Daily Mail, the word ‘first graced cricket’s vocabulary in Adelaide when a cricketer who swore in the presence of a lady was considered “as subtle as a sledgehammer”’ – has been around for centuries. Indeed, one of Hughes’s hirsute predecessors, W.G. Grace, was known for his banter, as was the great Australia leg-spinner of the 1930s, Bill O’Reilly. But few players have mastered the art quite like Mervyn, the son of a schoolteacher. It was on Australia’s tour to England in 1989 that Hughes came into his own in a side skippered by the steely-eyed Allan Border. As Simon Briggs wrote in his book Stiff Upper Lips and Baggy Green Caps: A Sledger’s History of the Ashes, Hughes was the ‘spearhead when it came to sledging’.
A young Mike Atherton had his sexuality regularly called into question, but it was the Hampshire batsman Robin Smith who really felt the rough side of the Australian’s tongue. ‘Mate,’ Hughes informed Smith on one occasion, ‘if you just turn the bat over you’ll find the instructions on the back,’ while another choice offering was ‘Does your husband play cricket as well?’
But Smith could sledge back. ‘You can’t fucking bat,’ snorted Hughes as he beat the outside of the Englishman’s bat. The next ball went for four. ‘Hey, Merv,’ yelled Smith. ‘We make a fine pair, don’t we? I can’t fucking bat and you can’t fucking bowl.’
Periodically, cricket’s authorities gnash their teeth, wring their hands and vow to eradicate sledging. Easier said than done. As former Australian player Mark Taylor said in 2008: ‘The intention is good but it is going to be very hard to police… If you’re going to ban sledging, you’ll have to ban talking.’
Robin Smith regularly felt the rough side of Merv’s tongue
Certainly the level of sledging today is minimal compared with what went on in the 1990s, when what was said on the field was as untamed as Hughes’s moustache. Sledges were no longer witty one-liners, they were mean and menacing. ‘Why does Merv Hughes think he has the right to run up to batsmen and give them the snarling, spitting routine,’ asked Ian Botham in his 1994 autobiography, Don’t Tell Kath. ‘I am no saint and I’ve exchanged a few words with opponents in my time, but there is a line beyond which players know they shouldn’t go.’
Today, stump microphones and television close-ups, allied to the hefty fines dished out, have forced most players to put a sock in their sledges.
So before the sledge becomes extinct we thought we would compile our sledging all-stars XI:
When England captain Douglas Jardine complained to rival skipper Bill Woodfull during the infamous 1932/33 ‘Bodyline’ series that he’d been called a ‘bastard’ by one of the Australians, Woodfull demanded of his teammates: ‘Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?’
‘There’s no way you’re good enough to play for England,’ Australia’s Mark Waugh told James Ormond when he walked out to bat in an Ashes Test. ‘Maybe not, but at least I’m the best cricketer in my family,’ replied Ormond.
‘How are your wife and my kids?’ Australian wicketkeeper Rod Marsh enquired of Ian Botham. ‘The wife is fine,’ came the retort, ‘but the kids are retarded.’
Playing for Gloucestershire against Essex in 1898, W.G. Grace was still at the crease despite several confident appeals from the Essex bowlers. Finally Charles Kortright beat Grace all ends up, knocking down two of his stumps. Slowly Grace took his leave of the crease. ‘Surely you’re not going, Doctor?’ exclaimed Kortright, well aware of Grace’s inability to accept he was out. ‘There’s still one stump standing.’
‘If you just turn the bat over you’ll find the instructions on the back’
‘Don’t bother shutting it, son,’ Fred Trueman told an Australian batsman as he opened the gate on his way out to the middle at Lord’s. ‘You won’t be there long enough.’
‘Why are you so fat?’ Australian paceman Glen McGrath asked Zimbabwean batsman Eddo Brandes. Brandes’ answer: ‘Because every time I shag your wife, she gives me a biscuit.’
As Daryll Cullinan arrived at the crease in a match against Australia, Shane Warne told him he’d been waiting two years for another chance to get him out. ‘Looks like you spent it eating,’ replied the South African.
‘Mind the windows, Tino,’ cautioned England all-rounder Freddy Flintoff to Tino Best as the West Indian looked to hit spinner Ashley Giles out of the attack. Best then charged down the wicket, missed the ball and was stumped.
A deft piece of fielding from twelfth man Mike Whitney persuaded Indian batsman Ravi Shastri not to run a quick single in a match against Australia. ‘Leave the crease and I’ll break your fucking head,’ snarled Whitney. ‘If you could bat as well as you could talk,’ said Shastri, ‘you wouldn’t be the twelfth man.’
During the 1991 Adelaide Test between Australia and Pakistan, batsman Javed Miandad told Merv Hughes he reminded him of a big fat bus conductor. A few balls later Hughes dismissed Miandad and ran past him yelling ‘Tickets, please!’
‘I can tell you why you’re batting so badly’, Aussie paceman Dennis Lillee liked to tell batsmen. ‘You’ve got some shit on the end of your bat.’ They would then inspect the toe of the bat, at which point Lillee advised: ‘Wrong end, mate.’