2

Two Weeks Later

 

Saturday afternoon, Lisa and Rose stood on the sidewalk not far from the Seattle pier where the cruise ship Northern Lights rose out of the water and dwarfed everything in sight.

Nothing good ever came of lying.

Lisa looked up at the giant ship and gulped. It stood at least ten times the size of a Washington State ferry—until now, the largest boat she’d ever been on. Tiny lifeboats were placed at intervals across the side of the ship facing her. No doubt, the other side looked the same. Were there enough for the mass of people on the ship? Would they need them? An image from Titanic flashed through her mind, and her knees buckled.

“Easy,” Rose said. “Are you all right?”

“I’m—I don’t think I can do this.” Her voice rose in pitch. She hated the way it sounded. Unsure. Insecure. Both were things she’d fought so hard to overcome.

This was crazy. She let her nerves take hold of her imagination and invent fear where there’d never been fear before. She raised one shoulder in a half-hearted gesture.

“Oh, no you don’t.” Rose pushed a button on her tiny remote, and the back door of her dark blue SUV slowly lifted. “You’ve come this far. You can’t back out now. I won’t let you.” She gestured to the small suitcase and matching travel bag sitting neatly side-by-side.

“But it’s all a big lie.” They’d had this argument before, and no matter how Rose tried to justify it to Lisa, she still believed it was a mistruth. “And I’ve never lied to Joe before.”

Unless she considered the biggest lie of all—not revealing her responsibility in the accident that took their son. He didn’t know Lisa had charged through the intersection the instant her light turned green. Somehow, she’d never had the nerve to tell him. Nor had she told him about her friendship with Rose, whose husband had been driving the other car.

Rose sighed and rolled her dark brown eyes. “Is it really a lie? You told Joe you weren’t planning to use the tickets.” She shrugged. “So you changed your mind. No big deal.”

Except it was a big deal. Lisa knew Joe wouldn’t go on the cruise if he thought for a second she’d be there. Not telling him was a deception, and deception equaled lying. She said as much, but Rose still argued.

“Just remember he’s your husband. You’re doing this for him. It’s for a noble purpose. Now come on, hon. You have a marriage to save.”

For Rose to put so much effort into helping her with her marriage, when Rose herself no longer had one, touched Lisa so deeply tears misted her eyes.

“Thank you,” Lisa whispered. She offered her friend a weak smile, not wanting to admit her nerves loomed as large as the ship. Then she slowly pulled the bags out of the SUV and set them on the curb. As she did, a thousand new doubts cluttered her mind. She stared at the festive-looking giant of a cruise ship, and every one of those doubts plunged toward her stomach.

No. She couldn’t back out now. This was for Joe. He needed her, whether he knew it or not. She would go, albeit on shaky legs, for her husband. She had to help him find a way to deal with his grief over Cody without it further paralyzing his life. For him, she’d conquer every nerve in her body if it would help retrieve him from that very dark place where he’d retreated.

“I have to go,” she whispered. “I have to.”

“Yes, you do.” Compassion darkened Rose’s eyes and she leaned over to pull Lisa into a warm hug.

“It’ll be OK, hon,” Rose whispered when she finally let Lisa go. “It’s all going to work out. You’ll see.”

Around them, people scrambled every which way. They looked happy and hopeful in spite of the overcast skies. Lisa envied them. Walking out of the house this morning, she’d also been hopeful. Now, her heart slammed in her chest, and her insides launched into a free-fall. The damp air brushed against her face, and she reached up to smooth her hair.

“I wish I could believe it, Rose. I’m so afraid lying will only make things worse.”

“No.” Rose shook her head. “I already told you. You aren’t lying.”

Lisa opened her mouth to protest, but Rose interrupted. “You changed your mind, nothing more. Didn’t we just settle this?”

With your encouragement, Lisa wanted to say. But she didn’t. Instead, she sighed. “We did. It’s just nerves talking.”

“OK.” Rose smiled and nodded in understanding. “But nerves or not, you’re going. And that’s final, because I’m not giving you a ride home. God wants you two back together.”

“You’d better watch out. You’re starting to sound like you believe.” Though Lisa teased, deep down she hoped and prayed her friend would believe again.

Rose waved her hand as if swatting a pesky fly. “Not. Don’t go getting your hopes up on my account.”

While she might sound flippant, Lisa knew Rose used the tone to cover her true feelings. A soul-deep weariness haunted Rose’s dark eyes. The last several months had been hard on both of them in such a similar way. No matter what happened in the future, the Lord stood firmly on Lisa’s side. If Rose felt God’s gentle tug, she didn’t recognize it—at least not yet.

“It won’t ever happen,” Rose said. “Not unless God finds a way for Rob and RJ to walk back through the door.”

Lisa’s heart broke for the raw grief on her friend’s face. Somehow, through the devastation, Lisa managed to hold on to her faith. Though it shamed her to admit, there were times when it was weaker than other moments, and the occasional doubt would creep in. Whenever her faith seemed to be on shaky ground, Lisa always managed to refocus on the Lord. Even if she didn’t always feel His presence—a fact that troubled her greatly—she still knew He was there with her.

Even now, months later, Lisa woke up late at night, remembering. It always began with the ache in her arm. An ache no pain medication would touch. Then her heart would begin to pound so hard she feared it would burst through her chest. It would echo in her ears, along with the horrible squealing, crunching sounds of twisting metal and breaking glass—and, most haunting and horrific of all, Cody’s silence.

Then there were the times the “Cartoon Song” rang repeatedly through her mind. Not the way it was intended for the radio, but Cody’s version of the song. Oh, how she longed to see the grin on his face and hear his sweet, happy voice sing it one more time.

Legally, the accident wasn’t Lisa’s fault. Morally, and most definitely in her heart, Lisa was the one responsible. If she hadn’t been in such an all-fired hurry to get Cody to his baseball game that day, if she hadn’t been so angry at Joe for getting caught up in his work, as usual, and not getting home in time to go to the game with them, perhaps she would have been more cautious.

But even when ugly, noxious guilt ate away at Lisa, she forced herself to pray and keep her eyes focused on the Lord.

Sadly, Rose seemed unable to do the same. Lisa could only hope and pray her friend would someday open her eyes and realize their very friendship reflected a perfect example of God’s presence in their lives. Of His love.

If anyone had told Lisa a few short months ago she would become a close friend of the woman whose husband caused the accident that killed her son, Lisa would have lashed out in anger. But the Lord had soothed her heart until the bitterness toward Rose melted away. Yes, the pain was still there. It would always be there. She hoped, though, that someday it would soften to a bruise.

At first, Lisa balked at what she knew were nudges from God, pushing her in Rose’s direction. She wanted to nurse the hurt and bitterness. But through the Lord’s gentle hand, she could see Rose was in pain as well. Not just with loss, for Rose had lost her son, too, along with her husband. No, Rose also ached with the pain of blame. She’d been arguing with her husband and believed he ran the red light because of the distraction. Her husband and son were dead, and Rose blamed herself.

Rose needed comfort and friendship as much as Lisa.

The miraculous result of their friendship amazed them both. Now Lisa loved Rose like a sister, and reaching out to Rose had helped ease some of Lisa’s own pain.

Their friendship had been a huge step for both of them, and Lisa hoped Rose would eventually find her way back to the Lord. Unfortunately, Rose couldn’t see past her feelings of guilt in order to step foot inside a church…let alone pray about it.

As they neared the pier, Rose pulled Lisa into a quick hug. “This is as far as I go. You’re on your own from here.” Then she whispered so softly Lisa barely heard her. “What am I going to do without you?”

“You’ll be fine.” Lisa noted the mist in Rose’s big brown eyes.

“I’m being silly.” Rose swiped at her tears.

“No, you’re not.” Lisa gave Rose a gentle smile. “Your friendship means the world to me, Rose. If Joe comes home, and I pray he does, nothing about our friendship will change. I promise.”

“I don’t know about that. Joe probably won’t like you spending time with me.”

Though she worried about the same thing, Lisa kept her thoughts to herself. “He doesn’t pick my friends. Whether or not you want to believe it, our friendship is blessed by the Lord. In fact,” she hesitated, wanting to say more but unsure of how Rose would receive her next words.

“What?”

Lisa pressed her lips together, took a deep breath, and silently prayed for guidance to say the right thing. “We’ve had a guest speaker at church for the last few weeks, doing a special series on friendship. It concludes tomorrow at the Sunday service.”

The expression on Rose’s face hardened, and Lisa feared she might have pushed too far.

“Don’t worry,” Lisa added quickly. “I wasn’t going to suggest you go.”

“Good.” Rose visibly relaxed. “Because you know I won’t.”

“They’re recording the series of lessons. If you’d like, when I get back, we can listen to them together, and you’ll be able to see the same thing I do. God brought us together for a reason, Rose. Friendship, true friendship, comes from Him, and I’m blessed to have you in my life.” Lisa meant what she said, and now it was her turn to grow misty-eyed.

Rose gave her another impromptu hug. “OK, now. You’d better get going or they’ll sail without you.”

Lisa’s heart started to pound with dread. She tried to smile at her friend, but the muscles in her jaw remained tightly clenched.

“Everything will be fine; you’ll see. When I come pick you up, you and Joe will walk toward me hand-in-hand.”

Tears pricked Lisa’s eyes again. She hoped like anything it would turn out just that way. But given how Joe had distanced himself from her, she sincerely doubted it. This whole thing seemed impossible, and she wished she’d never let Rose talk her into this.

Lisa knew Rose felt guilty not only for the accident, but also for the breakdown of Lisa and Joe’s marriage. That’s why she worked so hard to get the two of them back together, and why she tried so hard to convince Lisa taking this trip did not equal lying to Joe.

“I don’t know, Rose. I just—it’s just—it’s not like he’s going to fall into my arms or anything.”

“No, but two weeks at sea in the same room…he won’t be able to hide from you. Eventually he’ll have to open up and talk. When he does, well, things will work themselves out. I know it.”

“I hope you’re right.” Lisa wished she could be as positive as Rose.

“I am. Now get up that ramp and go save your marriage.”

If only it could be so simple. Despite her doubts, Lisa hugged her friend one last time then turned to face what she prayed wouldn’t end up being a disaster.

As she grabbed the handle of her luggage and headed up the steep ramp, people were everywhere. She could almost feel their buzz of excitement. Was Joe among them, smiling? No. He didn’t smile anymore.

“Please, Lord, let this be the right thing.”

Hope and dread mixed together as each footstep brought her closer to boarding the cruise ship, closer to Joe, and closer to the future.

Was Rose right? Did God want the two of them back together?

Yes, of course He did. God approved of marriage. He wanted to bless marriages. Why should hers be any different?

 

****

 

“What’s the matter, buddy? You change your mind about the cruise?”

Joe tore his gaze from the window of the cab, only then realizing he’d been staring into nothingness.

His cab driver leaned over the back of the seat, watching him intently with inquisitive brown eyes.

Joe glanced away and stared out the window again, this time taking note of the large white cruise ship with dozens of brightly colored triangular flags strung from one end to the other.

In the distance, another ship blew its horn, gulls hollered, and people scurried every which way along the sidewalk—most struggling with luggage and heading toward the terminal. Many were family and friends sending their loved ones off with a merry farewell.

Family. Friends. The thought left him hollow, empty. Lisa…Cody…

“No, I haven’t,” he finally replied with a sick feeling in his gut, fully aware his tone belied his words.

“Humph.” The driver nodded. Joe hadn’t fooled him a bit, but Joe offered no explanation. There was no reason to burden this kind, friendly stranger with troubles of Joe’s own making.

Relieved the driver hadn’t asked if Joe was meeting someone, he paid the fare. Grabbing his luggage—a simple duffel bag—Joe headed slowly toward the terminal.

Check-in at the terminal proved uncomfortable and hectic. The clerk kept asking if Mrs. Kendall was already checked in and seemed confused when Joe twice responded he was traveling alone. Finally, she nodded out of sheer frustration then gave him directions and a swipe-card for his room.

“Oh, sir, your bag,” She called after him. “We’ll take it to your room for you while you enjoy the festivities on the Stargazer Deck.”

“No festivities for me,” Joe said. “I’m going straight to my room.”

“But, sir,” she called after him.

Joe didn’t want to be rude, but neither did he want to engage in any kind of conversation where the other party tried to talk him into something. So he kept walking straight through the gate and up the blue steel ramp, until he stood on the main deck of the Northern Lights. People and noise surrounded him, annoying him, and doing absolutely nothing to calm his growing apprehension.

Trying to ignore the chaos, Joe managed to make his way to the Denali Deck. At the door to his room, he hesitated. Apprehension, even more fierce than before, gripped him.

Why was he here? Suddenly he didn’t know, and it scared him. Did Mike really think this time away would fix all Joe’s problems? Did Lisa really think this cruise would help him deal with the loss of Cody? Without a doubt, he’d feel this pain every day for the rest of his life.

And Lisa…Joe swallowed hard. Not hearing her voice on his answering machine every day for two weeks would be hard. Even though he wasn’t supposed to look forward to it, even though he was supposed to close his heart to it, he couldn’t help it. He shut off the wave of longing that threatened to overwhelm him. He couldn’t allow himself to feel anymore. Especially now. He had to stay strong so he could follow through with his decision. Those daily messages from Lisa would stop once he returned and she learned of his plans.

As soon as he returned from this trip, he planned to follow through on Mike’s suggestion and do the one thing he swore he never would. Something he didn’t want, but something for Lisa’s own good. He planned to file for divorce.

Divorce.

The hateful word stopped him cold because the reality of it was far worse than the word itself. It made him physically ill. No matter that it was the way he earned a living. He never encouraged anyone to take that step. In fact, much to his boss’s chagrin, he often tried to talk clients out of a divorce and into marriage counseling. He and Lisa vowed they’d never let it happen to them. They’d been so naïve back then, so certain their love was strong enough to withstand anything. But then everything changed.

If only they could go back to the days of pain-free innocence.

After what happened to Cody, Joe would never be the same again. Neither would Lisa. And their marriage…it simply couldn’t survive.

He should feel relieved to have come to the realization—no thanks to Mike’s input—but the reality of it cut his heart to shreds. It was the best thing he could do for Lisa. His wife. Soon to be ex-wife. The woman he would love forever.

Joe opened the door to the room. There must have been a mistake. The room was the size of a small bedroom and couldn’t be the family suite they’d booked. Someone somewhere messed up. Not that it really mattered now.

In a twist of irony, there were a set of bunk beds bolted to the wall. Cody would have enjoyed this far better than the family suite.

Another reminder of his son’s enthusiasm. Another grip of pain—no less than he deserved.

Joe dropped his bag inside the entryway and shut the door. The sound of silence greeted him, and he looked around the room.

What should he do now? Sitting and staring would do nothing to help ease the pain and loneliness. He slumped down on the bottom bunk and closed his eyes. For once, he wished he could be like his boss and drown his sorrows in alcohol. He was a hopeless coward, running away: first from his son’s death, then from his marriage, and now from the purpose of this trip.

Lulled by the gentle sway of the ship, Joe could imagine the water lapping at the side. What should be a feeling of comfort was one of torment. He didn’t want to make this cruise without either of the two people who meant the world to him.

Cody. His son. The precious child he’d let slip away.

Lisa. His wife. A woman he’d turned his back on when she’d needed him the most.

As he drifted into a restless sleep, he thought of Lisa and wished like crazy she could be here with him. “I’m so sorry, Lisa,” he whispered. He’d ruined everything. If only he could go back and change things. Make them like they were before.

Rolling over on to his side, Joe choked back a sob. Some things couldn’t be fixed.

 

****

 

With a sigh, Lisa shifted her weight from foot to foot in an attempt to keep warm. Since boarding, she’d stood out in the cold on the sandpaper-rough surface of the cruise ship watching for Joe. It had really only been twenty minutes since she’d said good-bye to Rose, but twenty minutes was a long time to stand outside on a typical May morning in the Pacific Northwest.

A bitter gust of salt air whipped against her, prickling her nose and stinging her eyes. Still, it wasn’t enough to make Lisa lift her chin out of her hands and pull away from the cold metal railing where her elbows were propped.

Chilled to the bone, she continued to watch as cars, cabs, and buses pulled up and enthusiastic passengers hopped out. Her husband was nowhere in sight. Perhaps she’d missed him. Or perhaps he’d boarded before she arrived and he’d already settled into his room.

Common sense told her to get out of the cold and find their room, but she couldn’t take the chance of him seeing her before the ship set sail. Again, a jab of guilt rattled her.

Just then, she caught sight of a couple with a little boy tucked between them. The trio walked hand-in-hand up the ramp.

That should be her and Joe…and Cody.

Wishful thoughts. They’d never have Cody again, but they could have each other. If Joe would just let down his guard and open up to her; if he’d lean on her the way she always leaned on him. If he would simply open his heart and arms to her once more, they could have a life again. It wouldn’t be the same life, but they would have each other. They would be together.

Life without Cody was barely tolerable. Not having Joe to share the pain with made it even more difficult. Did Joe ever reach out to the Lord for comfort and strength? She asked herself the same question every day over the last ten months, hoping and praying he did.

Be with him, Lord. Give him what he needs. She prayed he hadn’t lost his faith as Rose had done. Maybe Lisa could help him find his way back.

To the Lord or to you? The stray thought caught her off-guard. To both, of course.

And if you can’t help him? If he doesn’t come back, what then?

Lisa tried to ignore the disturbing thought. Of course she could help Joe, but she didn’t think for one minute it would happen right away. A loving wife was the last person he’d want to see. Her emotions were the last thing he’d want to deal with. And as much as she wanted his dark brown eyes to light up when he saw her, the way they used to, she knew it wouldn’t happen.

Maybe Rose was wrong. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.

Yes, it was. It had to be. This cruise was about Joe, about getting him back and healing him. No way would she give up now. Their marriage simply had to be saved, so Joe could step back into the real world and live again. Failure wasn’t an option.