4

 

Joe awoke feeling hollow and thinking about Lisa. So much so, he could imagine the light citrusy fragrance he’d come to associate as a part of her.

Wishful thinking. He kept his eyes closed, not wanting anything to detract from the image of her in his mind. Even though he didn’t want to admit it to himself, Lisa’s presence would be something of a comfort. But she wasn’t here, and he needed to accept it. Not her choice, of course, but his. He chose to be alone. She didn’t deserve this painful limbo he inflicted on her, and he didn’t deserve comfort.

Trying to find a position that would let him fall back asleep so he could avoid thinking about things he couldn’t fix, Joe tossed and turned again. The movement of air carried the unmistakable scent of citrus. He inhaled deeply. That scent was real and so very familiar it hurt to even breathe. It had to be an air freshener of some kind, something they used here on the cruise ship. Otherwise, he missed Lisa far more than he could even admit to himself.

Before he’d come fully awake, he’d been dreaming of her…and Cody…and all he’d lost, all he’d run from. He lay there for a minute trying to content himself with the gentle movement of the ship, hoping it would somehow give him a sense of peace and lull away his thoughts of them.

“It’s my fault,” he whispered through a throat tight with emotion. He groaned as a fresh wave of pain cut his heart. “I did this to us. My fault.”

“No, Joe. Stop blaming yourself.”

Startled, Joe opened his eyes and stared into Lisa’s wide blue ones.

Lisa? He blinked. Surely, he imagined she knelt next to him, worry lining her small face.

He even reached out to touch her, certain she’d fade away the instant his hand came near.

Flesh contacted flesh at the same moment her pupils widened, and she sucked in a breath.

He sat up with a jerk.

She stood and stepped back.

This was no dream. Lisa. Here, for real, right where he needed her not to be.

Now that he’d reached a decision about the divorce, the last thing he needed was to deal with her emotions. Not until he could deal with his own.

“Lisa?” He kept his tone steady, even, careful to keep any hint of disconcertedness from his voice. He didn’t want her to know how her presence shook him.

Brushing her blonde bangs away from her eyes, she knelt down beside him again. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears, and the gentle curve of Lisa’s lips held an almost undetectable tremor as she searched his eyes with her own. There was something in her expression he couldn’t quite pinpoint, but he knew her well enough to know she was trying to be strong for him instead of herself.

He’d let her down. That wounded look in her eyes could be attributed to no one but him. Not Lisa herself for being angry with him right before the accident. And not Rob Gentry, even though he’d run the red light at the intersection.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

“Because then you would have refused to come. You forget I know you, Joe. I know you thought you could shut yourself up in this room thinking it would all go away.”

He looked down and away from her gaze. “If I didn’t know you so well, I’d think you planned it this way.” Embarrassed, uncomfortable that she knew him so well, Joe’s voice came out sharper than intended.

He turned away from her so he wouldn’t accidentally look up and see the hurt in her eyes. Unbelievable. His sweet, quiet wife had flat out blindsided him.

“I guess I should say I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to come, but I—I did change my mind.”

Lisa’s soft apology tore at his gut. How should he respond? To tell her not to worry about it would be like saying he didn’t mind her being here. Which he did. But to say so would only shovel more hurt onto her already broken heart.

“I guess I just don’t understand why you changed your mind.” He tried to gentle his tone so as not to hurt her any further.

“I need to say good-bye, too. I—” She bit down on her lip and looked away. Joe could see tears welling in her eyes as she fought for control. A lump the size of his fist rose in his throat, and he couldn’t seem to swallow past it.

“I think I hoped if I went on the cruise, saw the things Cody had looked forward to seeing, maybe—I don’t know.” She shook her head, and Joe could see her struggle to maintain her composure. He wanted to take her in his arms. Somehow, he resisted.

“I guess I just wanted it to help.”

“And now?”

“I don’t know. Just like you need to be here, Joe, so do I. I’ll stay out of your way. I promise.”

Impossible. Just being in the same room with her—He’d never survive this trip without losing his resolve. And yet, she was here. They’d left the dock. He couldn’t very well throw her overboard.

“Joe, I promise I won’t bug you. You go your way, and I’ll go mine. I just need to get away, too. I didn’t realize it until the other day. Rose and I were talking and—”

“Rose? Rose Gentry?”

Lisa looked away from him and walked toward one of the chairs. To distance herself from him because talking to Rose might hurt him? Or because she’d merely mentioned the woman’s name?

As she sat in the chair, Joe noticed how much weight she’d lost. The last time he saw her, Lisa couldn’t afford to lose even a mere five pounds. Clearly, she’d lost a good deal more because her clothes were way too baggy. He started to say something but held back.

Finally, she looked at him, her blue eyes shaded with nervousness and something else he didn’t recognize.

“She’s my friend, Joe. I don’t mean to hurt you with that, but she needs someone.” Her voice wavered for only a brief moment before it strengthened with challenge. “She’s all alone, just like me. Just like you. Like it or not, I can’t turn my back on her.”

Lisa clenched and unclenched her hands then looked down at her lap. Clearly, she thought her friendship with Rose upset him. It didn’t. Quite the opposite. It reminded him of his own shame; shame at forgetting that Rose also lost a major portion of her life—her husband and son. At least Lisa had the decency to approach the woman and give her the comfort she needed, while he was just a coward who ran from everything. Lisa’s taking the time to befriend Rose warmed a tiny piece of his heart.

Something else gave him pause. Something Joe barely wanted to admit to himself. A part of him couldn’t help but wonder…if Lisa could forgive Rose, could she find it in her heart to forgive him? Lisa’s nature would never let her show she blamed him. She might never even admit it to herself, but deep down she had to blame him as much as he blamed himself. He couldn’t, nor should he ever, expect Lisa to forgive him. They were finished. Totally. The sooner he accepted it the better, because he had a daunting task ahead of him—getting her to accept it as well.

“It’s all right, Lisa. Despite the way I’ve treated you, I’m not a monster. You can say Rose’s name without worrying about my reaction. I don’t blame her.”

When she looked up at him, her eyes were wide. Because he said he wasn’t a monster? Or maybe because he didn’t blame Rose.

Or maybe, and possibly worse, she recognized his acknowledgment of his treatment toward her. He cringed. “I only blame myself.”

“No, Joe.” She stood and walked toward him, and he held up his hand. Much as he wanted to reach out and hold her, he couldn’t. If he did, he’d be lost, never able to let her go. And she’d end up hurting a lot worse than this. “Don’t try to comfort me, Lisa.”

“But—”

“I said don’t. In fact, it would be better if you just leave.”

“No.”

“Lisa—”

“I’m not leaving,” she interrupted in a surprisingly obstinate tone.

Was that what he’d seen in her eyes earlier and hadn’t recognized? Stubborn determination? One to avoid confrontation, Lisa was always the first to back down. But not this time, apparently. “Lisa, I really can’t deal with this right now. I don’t want you here.” He tried his best to sound intimidating, certain she’d turn around and slip through the door. But he knew he simply sounded weary.

Lisa didn’t back away. She just stood there, hands on slender hips, fire blazing in her blue eyes. “I’m not leaving,” she repeated.

“I really need to be alone. Given what we’ve both been through, I’d think you’d understand.” If appealing to her emotions meant playing dirty, so be it. He had to get her out of here. Two weeks sharing a room with the woman he loved but intended to divorce—torture. Emotional torture. And how could he even begin to get a handle on his life so he could return to work?

“And exactly where do you expect me to go?” Her response held no indication of being intimidated or of changing her mind—though she did sound sad. He looked closely. Were those tears hovering below the surface of her blue eyes? He couldn’t let it matter.

“You could get off in Vancouver.”

Her eyes widened for a split second. Clearly, she didn’t realize the ship would dock in British Columbia early in the evening to pick up the Canadian crew. He knew only because he’d overheard someone talking about it in the elevator.

“Absolutely not, Joe.” She steeled her expression into one of fierce determination. It matched her tone of voice. “I’m taking this cruise, too. It was meant as a family vacation, and we’re taking it together even if we aren’t a family anymore.”

Those words got to him. Whether she meant them to or not, they hurt. They weren’t a family anymore; they’d never be a family again, and she had no business here.

“The only way I’m getting off in Vancouver is if you physically throw me off.”

It was a dare, but one he wouldn’t take. Joe had never lifted a finger against her, and he never would.

“Then we’ll find you another room, because you’re not staying with me.”

“It’s not like we have money to throw around. This trip cost enough as it is, and what did we get for our money?” She waved her arms dramatically, pointing out the shortcomings of the room. “There are two beds. It’s not like you’ll have to share more than the room with me.”

How could he make her understand? He needed to be alone. Desperation had him raising his voice louder. “This is my room, Lisa, where I came to be alone. So I could say good-bye to my son. Something I didn’t want to do, but something I was forced into.”

Her mouth dropped open, and she stepped closer. “Listen here, Joseph Kendall. I had nothing to do with Mike’s decision.”

No, but she obviously knew about it. He hadn’t told her. He merely said he decided to take the cruise. So who had? Mike? It couldn’t have been anyone else. His respect for his boss just dropped another notch. Add lack of confidentiality to the list of reasons to begin the search for another job when he returned home.

“I’m not going anywhere. It’s ridiculous to waste money on another room when this one’s perfectly fine. If you’re uncomfortable with me being here, find a way to deal with it.” A splash of pink brightened both cheeks, and Lisa stood firm, authoritative. He almost expected her to reach out and poke him in the chest. When had she turned so assertive?

“You aren’t the only one in pain here.” Lisa plunked back down on the chair, folded her arms, and glared at him. “Cody was my son, too. Like it or not, you’re stuck with me for the next two weeks.”

Stunned, Joe could only stare at his wife. Shy, and often unsure of herself when faced with even the mildest of confrontations, Lisa always spoke softly and seemed timid. Her timidity attracted him in the beginning but drove him away in the end.

Not that Joe was being confrontational now, but he did his best to convey he wanted to be alone. Yet Lisa showed no sign of giving in. Sometime in the last few months she’d found the ability to speak up in defense of herself. Clearly, Rose’s friendship was good for Lisa.

“You need to grieve for Cody, Joe. But locking yourself away from the world isn’t the way. This cruise isn’t for you to hide yourself away like this, like you’ve done for the past several months.”

Her words gave him pause. Hide away. That’s exactly what he planned to do, exactly what he needed. Perhaps if he’d done something like this sooner, they wouldn’t be in this situation now. Of course, there wasn’t room for second-guessing. As sad as it made him feel, it was too late to go back now.

She glared at him, determined.

Again, the painful awareness that the breakdown of their marriage was his fault struck him. “I can’t do this, Lisa. I can’t—”

“What? Deal with me? With your emotions? It’s the reason I’m here. To help you. I’m your wife.”

“I don’t want or need your help. I want and need to be alone.”

“I can’t let you.”

“Do what you want then.” Joe headed toward the door. “If you won’t leave, I will.” He stormed out of the room and into the hall, wishing like anything he could forget the look of shock and grief on Lisa’s face.

Together only a few minutes, and he’d hurt her all over again. Good going, Joe. He slapped the heel of his hands into his forehead.

 

****

 

The slamming of the door echoed painfully loud in her ears. Lisa resisted the urge to go after Joe but knew it would do no good. He’d made up his mind. The determination had sparked in his eyes. She prayed he wouldn’t get off the ship in Vancouver.

Oh, Joe, you are in such trouble.

She’d made a horrible mistake in coming here. Joe needed to be here, and she’d scared him off.

He so obviously needed to find peace. More than the rescue of their marriage, Joe’s relationship with God needed to be salvaged. Lisa couldn’t believe she’d put her own needs above Joe’s. Rose would say she didn’t, that she wasn’t being selfish. But Lisa knew better.

Even though she’d voiced to herself that Joe’s needs were more important than their marriage, she’d remained focused on getting Joe to come home. She’d made it her number one priority. She could justify it a hundred different ways, but the bottom line remained. She’d had it all backward.

As Lisa’s mind touched on that one thing, it rocked her with a soul-jarring clarity. She’d known it all along on some level, but selfishness pushed her own wants and needs to the forefront of her mind. She wanted Joe back, needed him back. But he needed something more, something above all else. The Lord. God. Joe had grown so far from his Savior; his relationship with the Father needed mending. More than their marriage being saved, Joe needed a renewal of faith.

Why hadn’t she seen it sooner? Because she’d been so consumed with her own needs. She’d figured if her marriage was secure that she could help Joe find his way back to the Lord. But in reality, Joe’s soul was the most important, and if he found his way back to the Lord, their marriage might possibly be saved. But if not…at least Joe’s soul could rest.

With a trembling hand, Lisa swiped at her tears. It wasn’t as if her motives were evil.

Could it be so wrong to want to help her husband deal with his grief, to want to help him find peace? Those pain-laced words he’d uttered upon waking tore at her heart. He’d sounded so lost…looked so lost. The pain darkening his eyes was so immediate it took her breath away.

Joe blamed himself for the accident even though he’d never come right out and say it. She’d suspected it was the reason he’d retreated further into himself until finally he’d quit coming home at all. She knew he slept on the couch in his office. His law firm was in a building that housed a large fitness center, so he probably showered there. Where he washed his laundry, where he ate his meals, she could only guess.

Oh, Joe. What has happened to us?

Comfort. Joe badly needed it. She did, too. But given the tormented words he’d spoken earlier, he needed it more. As his wife, Lisa should be the one to give it to him. But so far, she’d failed.

 

****

 

Long after they departed Vancouver, Joe sat at a table in the observation section on the Stargazer Deck.

The dark chilly night made it the perfect environment to be alone. It matched his mood. The occasional couple strolled by, but they afforded him barely a glance before they shared kisses in the moonlight or marveled over the sight of the now distant and fading Vancouver skyline.

He’d almost disembarked in Vancouver. Something stopped him, though he couldn’t say what. Most likely because they—Lisa, his boss, his co-workers—were right. Much as he hated to admit it, getting away would be good for him. And if he happened to find the closure they kept spouting about, so much the better. Even though he wasn’t convinced he deserved it, he supposed deep down he really wanted it.

Yes, that’s probably why he’d stayed on board. It certainly couldn’t be because of Lisa’s presence.

Unfortunately, he’d have to face her sooner or later. With a fully booked ship, he had nowhere to go except his own room unless he wanted to sit out here all night. He didn’t. He’d almost be willing to, just to make a point, but then he could hardly stay outside for the entire two weeks. And the closer they got to Alaska, the more he risked turning into a freezer-pop just to make a point to Lisa. And that would be foolish since he didn’t really know what point he wanted to make.

Much to his relief, Lisa appeared to be asleep in the top bunk when he let himself into the room.

Hours later, as he lay in the dark listening to the soft sound of her breathing, Joe wished he could fall asleep as well. Occasionally, he detected a hint of her citrusy fragrance. It did things to his heart. Things he didn’t understand, things he sure didn’t want to contemplate.

Once again, he had to ask himself the question: how on earth could he share this tiny room with her for the next two weeks?