5

 

Early the next morning, Lisa was relieved to find Joe sleeping in the bunk below her. After checking several times during the night to see if he had come back to the room, she’d finally fallen asleep certain he’d gotten off the ship in Vancouver. She’d climbed up and down the ladder of the bunk bed so many times, her legs ached this morning.

Now, staring at Joe, she blinked back unexpected tears. He appeared to sleep fitfully, without any hint of peace. She resisted the urge to reach out and comfort him. Instead, she quietly gathered her things for a shower.

When she came out of the bathroom, he was still asleep. Too edgy to sit around the room waiting for another confrontation with him and certain there would be one as soon as he woke, Lisa decided to explore the ship.

Her first impression of the liner being huge was right on the mark. A floating city, Lisa never imagined it could be so large. Besides what must be hundreds of people, there was an amazing number of restaurants, cafés, lounges, and gift shops.

As she walked past one of the gift shops, a vase of tulips in the window caught her eye. Tulips reminded her of Joe. She hoped they, in turn, reminded him of her.

On impulse, Lisa entered the shop. A bell tinkled on the door. A pretty sound prompted Lisa to turn and look at the door. A delicate set of chimes hung from a pewter replica of an orca. Each chime had a little charm hooked to the bottom; a tiny starfish, a seashell, a fish, and a seagull.

Thinking of her son, a catch tugged at her heart, and she remembered the sweatshirt tucked into the bottom of her suitcase. Certain they’d see whales at some point on this trip, she’d brought it to feel close to Cody.

“Excuse me, lady?”

Feeling a rough hand poking at her arm, Lisa looked up at an older gentleman. Only then did she realize she still stood in the doorway to the gift shop staring, albeit blankly, at the whale chimes.

“You gonna shop or what? You’re making it awful hard for people to come in and out of the store.”

Lisa looked around in embarrassment. The only one who seemed upset was this man. Still, people watched.

“I’m so sorry.” She stepped aside. Ignoring the stares, she went to the counter and asked the clerk if they had any more chimes. While she waited, she picked up a novel from the rack near the counter and a bundle of brightly colored tulips from the refrigerated flower case.

On the way back to the room, she ducked into one of the many restaurants and ordered a take-out breakfast for Joe.

When Lisa arrived back at the room, her hands were full. She tried to juggle the tray of food, her purse, her book, her package with the wind chimes, and the bundle of tulips, all the while fishing her key card out of her pocket. She’d stuck it there earlier, to try and avoid this problem. Before she could stop them, the flowers slid to the floor.

“I’ll get them for you, lady.” She could tell without looking that the cheerful voice belonged to a little boy, and from the corner of her eye, Lisa saw a flash of sandy blond hair. Cody!

Of course it wasn’t possible, but for just a moment she couldn’t bring herself to look. When she did, a young boy stared up at her. With blond hair and blue eyes like Cody, this little boy was much younger than her son. He was about six years old, and his wide smile tugged at her heart. Obviously proud of himself, he held out the slightly battered tulips.

“Thank you.” Lisa reached out to take them from him.

“You want me to hold ’em for you while you open the door?”

“That would be nice. Thank you.”

“I’ll hold those other things, too, if you want.”

Lisa smiled at the boy and handed him the wind chimes and her book. Then she balanced the food tray with one arm while she inserted the key in the door. She held it open with her foot and took the flowers and other items from the little boy. He looked at her expectantly as if he hoped to come inside. “My husband’s sleeping, so I have to be really quiet,” she whispered. “But thank you for your help.”

“You’re welcome.” The boy grinned up at her. “See ya!” With that, he scrambled down the hall.

As she let the door close quietly behind her, Lisa couldn’t help but hope she’d see the little boy again.

Joe still slept restlessly. If only he would let her comfort him. She didn’t want to push him, though. He wanted to be left alone. If helping him meant leaving him alone, she’d leave him alone. Surely, she could find a quiet spot on one of the decks somewhere and read her book. It didn’t mean she had to like it, but for now it might be the best thing. She set the food and flowers on the table then went to the closet and tucked the wind chimes away. After grabbing her new book, she headed toward the door again. At the last minute, she turned back and plucked one deep purple parrot tulip from the vase then placed it on top of the lid covering Joe’s food.

As she walked out the door, she couldn’t help but wonder if it would hold the same meaning for Joe as it did for her.

 

****

 

A dozen good smells wafted in the air. Fragrant, tantalizing, all of them were Lisa. Shampoo, hair spray, deodorant, powder, each scent was a little different. All combined to create a wonderful scent belonging solely to her. They were the same fragrances that filled the air last night and made sure Lisa never left his thoughts.

She was here, and he had to accept it. That didn’t mean he had to like it.

Of course, deep down on some level of his consciousness, he was happy she was here. OK, maybe that was stretching it. But some part of his soul recognized that her presence filled a small bit of the emptiness.

He’d had a lot of time to think last night while he tossed and turned. He remembered something Mike said that day he kept preaching about closure. The same day he suggested Joe should file for divorce. That Joe didn’t really love Lisa. If he did, he’d help her find closure. Joe wasn’t sure how a divorce equated to closure, but Mike said she’d be able to move on and find someone who could make her happy since Joe obviously couldn’t.

Lisa had changed her mind about coming on the cruise. He couldn’t really fault her for that. More than he did, Lisa deserved to be here finding closure. And could he, in all good conscience, interfere with her finding it? Plain and simple: no. It wouldn’t be right.

Which meant he had to let her find what she was looking for, instead of fighting with her about being here. He couldn’t act sullen and stubborn. Maybe he should even help make it enjoyable, so when she received the divorce papers she would at least have found closure over Cody’s death. Maybe that would give him one less regret in his life.

But what would happen to his heart in the meantime?

Joe peeked one eye open, half expecting her to be sitting there staring at him. Much to his relief she wasn’t. Having spent a restless night thinking of nothing but being in the same room with her, and how he would survive in her presence for the next two weeks, it was too much to hope she’d changed her mind and found other accommodations.

Of course she wouldn’t. The determination he’d glimpsed in her eyes last night pretty much promised she wouldn’t go away until she accomplished her goal. And Joe was certain of her goal. Him. He’d have to steel his nerves and dig in deep because as much as he’d love to just take her in his arms and make everything better, he couldn’t.

That she still cared didn’t surprise him. Lisa loved fiercely and never gave her heart conditionally. It would take a real slap in the face—the divorce papers—to get her to give up on him.

The thought of the pain it would cause her twisted his stomach in knots. He was so sorry. Sorry for everything. Who knew seventeen years ago that their marriage would end this way?

As teenagers, they’d been so full of hope for the future, so full of dreams. He never imagined he’d become such a slave to his career and put everyone dear to him on the back burner.

On his way to the shower, Joe noticed a covered tray on the table. Breakfast. Next to it sat a vase of brightly colored tulips. Courtesy of his wife, no doubt. He sure hadn’t noticed them last night.

One tulip, the color of a ripe grape, lay across the lid.

A feeling of dread settled in his throat, and he continued toward the shower. If he hadn’t been sure of her motive before, he certainly was now.

Grape parrot tulips had decorated the small country cabin on Campbell Lake where they’d spent their honeymoon. Lisa fell in love with the tulips. She ordered dozens of bulbs and planted them along the walkway of their first small house. She wasn’t going to make this easy. Not one little bit.

She was trying to get him to feel things. Remember things. Determined not to let it work, Joe turned his back on the loving gesture and headed for the shower.

The blast of water felt good, but it wasn’t strong enough to wash away his guilt over the hurt he’d see in Lisa’s eyes when she discovered he’d ignored her breakfast tray.

When he finished in the shower, Joe tried not to notice the intimate way his toothbrush sat on the counter next to Lisa’s. The way his deodorant was lined up next to hers. The little bottles and cans that made her smell so good were neatly set out on the counter.

He finished dressing, irritated for noticing so many small things. Even more irritating, though, was the guilt.

Joe couldn’t stand the pain encompassing Lisa. It was one of the reasons he’d stopped going home after work. Being obligated to work was one thing—it helped him shove aside the emotional pain of Cody’s loss. But once the workday was over and it was time to go home to Lisa, the dread would start building inside his gut. She was sad. And he…he was guilty. That’s why it was so impossible for him to live up to his obligations as a husband and help his wife through the tragedy. It was becoming more and more difficult to keep from shedding tears himself.

He couldn’t bear to wipe one more tear from her eyes, couldn’t bear to wrap her in his arms and offer his shoulder any longer.

So…if eating the food she brought would keep the hurt from her eyes, he’d eat it.

Sitting alone at the table, Joe pulled the cover off the tray of food. As the smells of French toast and bacon teased his senses, he looked around the little room, thinking about what today—this trip—would have been like if he hadn’t made a stupid, selfish decision that altered their lives forever. Cody would have been here, laughing, eager. Lisa’s eyes wouldn’t look so haunted, and her face wouldn’t be so thin.

Oh, Lisa, I’m so sorry.

It shouldn’t have been that way.

If only he’d been what a husband and father should be. He’d been lousy at both. His wife would be so much better off without him in her life. She deserved her chance at happiness and the way to find it sure wasn’t with him.

 

****

 

Exhausted after exploring the shops and salons on all the different decks, Lisa finally plopped herself down on a cushy lounge chair and stared out at the water. She didn’t know what deck she was on, but she was tired and didn’t really care.

This would be tougher than she’d originally thought. Joe was her heart, her soul, her life. She had to make him realize that before it was too late. Judging by his reaction to her presence, “too late” wasn’t that far off, and it terrified her. Would he spend the entire cruise like this?

“Things are never as bad as they seem, dear.”

Startled out of her self-pitying thoughts, Lisa looked up to see a pleasant-faced older woman standing next to her.

“May I?” The woman pointed to the chair next to Lisa.

Lisa nodded, unsure about wanting to converse with someone right now. “Please, be my guest.” She waved at the empty chair even though she didn’t mean it.

“Ah.” The woman sighed as she sat down. “These chairs really are comfortable.”

“Yes, they are.”

Lisa looked out at the water. Perhaps if she didn’t engage the woman in conversation, she would simply go away. She seemed nice enough, but Lisa had too much on her mind to get to know someone right now. Though she now had her blossoming friendship with Rose, she’d never really been good at close relationships. Not with anyone but Joe.

“Jessica Lane.” The woman extended her hand, and Lisa had no choice but to take it. She didn’t want to seem rude. The woman’s firm, warm clasp took Lisa by surprise, and she could almost feel the caring emanating from the older woman.

That was, of course, ridiculous. Kind and friendly though she might be, the woman was a complete stranger.

“Lisa Kendall.” She waited for what seemed to be the proper amount of time and withdrew her hand.

“Is this your first cruise?” Jessica’s green eyes seemed to sparkle behind her thick glasses.

“Yes. And you?”

Jessica nodded and leaned forward in a confiding manner. “To tell you the truth, it’s my first trip anywhere.”

Lisa looked at her, in awe. “Really?”

“Really. My husband and I were always too busy working to take a trip. Not that I regret anything,” she added quickly.

It was amazing that a woman her age was taking her first trip, and all alone. But Lisa wasn’t up for small talk, especially with a stranger, so she simply nodded and looked away.

“I saw you in the gift store earlier.”

This ship was so big. How odd the woman would not only notice her in the gift store but then run into her on one of the observation decks.

“You were buying tulips.”

Lisa nodded. “I bought them for my husband.” Had Joe found the tulips yet? She hoped they would bring a smile to his face and remind him of a time when they’d been happy. Would he understand their meaning? To her they symbolized their wedding vows, the home they made, and the life they shared. She wasn’t giving all of it up just yet.

“That’s why I recognized you when I saw you sitting here.”

Embarrassed, Lisa realized she didn’t hear everything Jessica had said to her. “I’m sorry, what?”

“The tulips. My husband and I owned a bulb farm in Skagit Valley. Other people traveled to us to see the tulips we grew every spring.”

“You owned a bulb farm?”

“I still do, actually. But it’s becoming more and more difficult to run all by myself.”

“My husband and I used to drive over to Skagit Valley every spring to see the tulip fields when they bloomed. Joe used to take his camera and take pictures.” Lisa sighed, thankful for something pleasant to think about. She closed her eyes, envisioning field after field of colorful tulips. Every spring they stretched across the landscape for miles, ribbons of color, like one of God’s rainbows across the sky. “I can see how that would be a difficult business to run by yourself.”

“Frank and I were quite content working our farm, hiring school kids to help us out since we didn’t have any of our own.” Jessica gazed out at the water, a wistful look on her face.

Thinking of Cody, Lisa heart constricted. What would it have been like not to have had him in her life?

“Now Frank’s gone, and I have to pull myself out of my comfort zone and see some of the world. Otherwise, I’ll just pine away. Funny thing, though. Frank’s been gone a few years, and it wasn’t until recently that I had this sudden urge to travel. First thing I decided to do was come on this cruise. A cruise is something I’d never even thought about in my entire life.”

Lisa didn’t know what to say. What it would be like to be Jessica’s age—maybe early seventies—and on a trip, alone? It was likely to happen, too, given the lack of response from Joe.

“You said you and your husband used to drive to see the tulip fields. So you must live in Washington, too. Where are you from?”

“Whidbey Island.”

“Oh. Not far away at all. We’re practically neighbors.” Jessica’s wide smile indicated she hoped she’d found a new friend.

Lisa couldn’t help but smile back.

“You said you bought the tulips for your husband.” Jessica glanced around. “I’d love to meet him.”

Lisa cringed a little inside before she answered. “My husband is back in the room. He doesn’t—”

“Cabin.”

“Sorry?” Lisa blinked. Though surprised, she was glad for the unexpected interruption. It saved her from talking about Joe.

“You called it a room.” Jessica stared at Lisa, unblinking though a hint of a smile played at the corners of her mouth. “We’re on a ship, dear. I believe the correct term is cabin.”

Despite her dim outlook, Lisa couldn’t help but laugh. “I stand corrected.”

“Sorry.” Jessica’s lashes fluttered behind her glasses, much like a naughty child who didn’t really mean it. “Bad little habit. Interrupting and correcting. I’m a little compulsive.”

“It’s perfectly fine.” Lisa meant it. Her own mother had been that way.

“Miss Jessica!” The little boy who’d helped Lisa with the tulips earlier skidded to a stop in front of them. He looked from Jessica to Lisa and smiled. “Hi, again.”

“Do you two know each other?” Jessica arched her eyebrows, the question clear on her face.

“Yup.” The boy graced Jessica with a grin that almost stretched to both of his ears. “I helped her with her flowers when they crashed to the ground.”

Lisa looked to Jessica. “I was carrying too much.” She turned to the little boy and smiled. “I’m Lisa. What’s your name?”

“This is Brandon.” Jessica smiled at the boy before he could answer. “He and his father are staying just a few doors down from me.”

“Right near the room where I helped you.” Brandon’s blue eyes twinkled as he grinned even wider. A breeze picked up just then and rustled through his hair. Lisa ached to reach out and brush it down with her hand. The back of her eyes burned, and her heart lurched.

“I guess we’re all neighbors then.” Trying to hide her emotions, she spoke a little too loud, and Jessica glanced at her.

“Are you all right?”

“I’m fine, just happy to officially meet Brandon.”

“Ohh-kaay. If you say so.” Jessica made it obvious she didn’t believe her. “Where’s your dad, Brandon?”

“He’s back at our cabin. He told me he needed some quiet time. I’m supposed to stay on this deck, and if I want to go somewhere else, I need to tell him.”

“Well, now Brandon, you’re a good boy for giving your dad some time alone. You be careful.” Jessica leaned forward and touched his arm. “And mind your dad. If you’ve been gone for a while, you might want to let him know you’re doing as he says.”

“Sure thing, Miss Jessica.” Brandon waved as he ran off.

“He and his father ate dinner with me last night,” Jessica said once Brandon was out of sight. “Are you and your husband planning to eat in the dining room tonight?”

Lisa thought of the blue dress she’d wanted to wear for Joe. She had little to no chance of getting him into that dining room.

She shook her head. “I seriously doubt Joe will want to get dressed up for a formal dinner. In fact, I don’t think he even brought a suit with him.”

“You mean, you don’t know?” Jessica tipped her head and peered over the top of her glasses.

Lisa glanced away from Jessica then back again. “I-I wasn’t there when Joe packed.”

Jessica nodded as though she understood perfectly, but her eyes were sharp and gave away her suspicion that all was not right with Lisa’s marriage.

Uncomfortable, Lisa went back to staring out at the water and caught her breath. It was as if the ship was slowly moving through a narrow maze of rugged snow-peaked mountains and evergreen-covered islands. The beauty of it awed her, and she wished she could get Joe to share it with her.

This must be the Inside Passage. Shamefully, she didn’t really know for sure. She hadn’t spent much time reading up on the actual cruise. Her priorities had been all about getting Joe to go and then finding the nerve to follow him. Too bad they couldn’t enjoy this view together.

“There’s more than one dining room on this ship, and the one where I’m having dinner isn’t as formal as you might think. Even though it’s not the formal dining room, it’s still very nice. But you and your husband don’t have to dress to the nines to eat there.”

Lisa tore her gaze from a pair of kayakers setting for shore on one of the islands. She sighed and shifted uncomfortably before she turned back to Jessica.

“Oh, I don’t think Joe will be comfortable eating in the dining room, whether it’s formal or not.” She tried to keep her tone light but knew the older woman saw right through her when she reached out and squeezed Lisa’s hand.

“I apologize again. Nosy to a fault. That’s what my Frank always used to say. He told me it would get me into trouble someday, and he was right. Here I am making you uncomfortable.” She looked sincerely distressed. Had her Frank been overly critical of her?

The thought that someone could hurt this sweet elderly woman made Lisa angry.

“It’s OK, really,” Lisa was quick to assure her. “I didn’t take it that way at all. My husband isn’t up to sightseeing. In fact, he doesn’t even want me here.”

Jessica leaned forward with interest, and Lisa shrank back in her chair horrified at herself. Why had she revealed so much? Just to make someone else feel better? She so did not want to talk about it.

“I’m sorry, dear.” Jessica gently touched her arm. OK, maybe it was compassion that flickered in Jessica’s eyes, not interest. Either way, it made Lisa uncomfortable. She wasn’t used to being so intimate with other people. Rose was the only one she confided in.

“Do you two have kids?”

Again Lisa’s heart constricted. “One. A boy. Cody.”

“That’s good, dear. At least you have someone to hold you together. Kids are the perfect way to bring parents together again. Things will work out; you’ll see.”

“He’s dead.” Even Lisa winced at her blunt tone. “He was killed in a car accident several months ago.”

Lisa had been born late in her parents’ lives. Had they still been alive, they would be about the same age as Jessica. She missed her mother so much. Her parents would have helped her and Joe through this ordeal. Lisa couldn’t even turn to Joe’s mother, because she had disowned him when he married Lisa. Perhaps that was why she was so drawn to Jessica, why she blurted out something so personal to a total stranger.

“Oh, my dear, I am so very sorry.” Jessica squeezed Lisa’s hand. Compassion filled her eyes and her gentle grandmotherly apple cheeks punctuated a smile of understanding.

Tears brimmed in Lisa’s eyes and Jessica offered her a hanky from her jacket pocket.

“No, thank you.” Lisa shook her head. “I’ll be fine.”

“It’s all right to let it out, you know.” Jessica reached over and gently patted her hand.

It had never been all right around Joe. Tears scared the daylights out of him. Emotions petrified him. Especially her emotions. He’d proven that by not coming around after that weekend he’d taken her away for her birthday. They’d frightened him away from coming home at night and into sleeping at the office. Lisa knew all about the damage that came from letting tears and emotions flow.

“I—I’ve got to go.” Lisa couldn’t get out of the chair fast enough and nearly tripped. Jessica reached out a hand to help steady her, a shocked look on her face. “I’m so sorry.” Horrified that she’d hurt this kind and lonely woman’s feelings, Lisa covered Jessica’s hand with her own. “It really was nice meeting you.”

Jessica nodded. “Perhaps we’ll meet again. Maybe tonight, in the dining room?”

“Yes, perhaps. But, to tell you the truth, Jessica, as much as I’d love to eat dinner with you, if Joe won’t go to the dining room, I won’t either. My first priority is him, not me. And I doubt he’ll want to eat there.”

“I understand dear. But have a little faith. I’ll ask the steward to make sure you’re seated at my table if you are able to make it.”

“Thank you, Jessica. I hope to see you then, but I doubt it. Maybe we’ll meet around here again. If not, enjoy the rest of your trip. It was lovely meeting you.”

“You, too, dear. I’ll be praying for you.”

Before she headed back to her room…cabin, Lisa smiled fondly at the older woman. As Lisa walked away, she heard Jessica whisper, “It really will be all right.”

A shiver snaked down her spine, and she hoped with all her heart that Jessica was right. But she had a sick sort of feeling things would never be all right again.