6

 

The door opened, and Joe looked up.

Lisa stepped into the cabin. “Not hungry, huh?”

Joe picked up the fork and pushed at a syrup-soaked cold piece of French toast, took a sip of lukewarm coffee, and shook his head. “Sorry.” He was unable to look her in the eyes.

“Don’t be. I know what it’s like to lack the heart to eat. But Joe—” She placed her hand over his. Her warm and tender touch seeped through him to tickle the edges of his heart. He closed his eyes and breathed in deep, not knowing how he would get through the next forty or so years without it.

“Joe, you can’t starve yourself. It won’t bring him back.”

Joe gave her a long look, assessing the thinness of her face and arms. He thought back to her comment about starving.

“What about you? Have you been eating? You sure don’t look like it.”

“This isn’t about me. It’s about you.”

“So it’s all right for you to be concerned about me but not vice versa?” he asked.

“Lip service, Joe. If you were interested in me, you would have shown it long before now. You’re only trying to divert the attention from yourself.”

Had he imagined it, or was there a little spark in her eyes?

“Do you want to go for a walk on deck? I saw some of the scenery, and it’s absolutely beautiful.” A nervous smile played on her pink lips.

Uh-oh. Had she taken their tiny conversation and turned it into something more? Careful. He couldn’t do anything to make her think things were going back to the way they were or even that he would go home with her at the end of the cruise.

He pulled his hand from hers so fast he heard her ring slap against the table.

“Sorry.” Though he spoke quickly, he meant it. “Are you OK?” Here he went hurting her again.

“I’m fine.”

But he knew she wasn’t.

Avoiding her gaze, he put the silver lid back on the tray. “Are we supposed to put this outside?” At Lisa’s nod, he started toward the door.

Stepping in front of him, Lisa reached for the tray. “Here, I'll take it.”

But she made no move to leave the room. She stood there watching while Joe pulled his laptop out of the leather carrying case and set it on the table.

Joe booted up the computer, waited for a connection, and settled back in the chair. He could feel her blue eyes watching his every move. The silence in the room was so heavy he could practically hear her thoughts of condemnation. If she had any idea about the e-mail he was about to send to Mike, confirming his plans for divorce and giving his okay to file the papers he’d signed before he’d left the office, she’d want to heap hot coals over his head.

Finally, putting the tray back on the table, right next to his laptop, she asked the question he expected. “Are you going to shut yourself off the entire trip?”

He shrugged and focused on the computer screen. For some reason, it seemed to infuriate her.

“Do you think it’s been easy sitting at home with all those memories day and night by myself? Maybe you forgot everything when you walked away, but I sure didn’t. Cody was my son, too. I hurt as much as you do. And just like you need to find some sense of peace in all of this, Joe, so do I. Maybe I didn’t isolate myself and abandon the people I supposedly love, but maybe, just maybe, I need to be here as much as you do.”

For Joe, it was a painful truth. He was responsible for the sadness that oozed from her heart. Even before Cody died, all he did was work. He knew exactly what it cost him. If he hadn’t made his job his god, none of this would have happened.

“We’re supposed to find the joy in our sorrows, the blessings in the storm, praise God in all circumstances. You’re not doing that. You’ve taken your eyes off the Lord. You’ve shut yourself off from everyone who loves you. You’ve turned into a lonely, bitter man.” She stopped and gasped as if unable to believe what she’d just said.

“Joe, I’m so sorry.” She reached for him, but he shrugged away. Lisa nodded slowly. “Fine.” She pulled her hand back. “Have things your way.”

“What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry I abandoned you?” He deliberately emphasized the word and watched as she rubbed at her arm where it had been broken in the accident. Though long since healed, she tended to rub the broken spot when she was upset. Unfortunately, upsetting her couldn’t be helped. Not this time. “Do you want me to tell you I’m glad you’re here?”

“Only if you mean it.” Lisa stopped rubbing her arm, picked the tray back up, and went out the door.

Joe waited until the door slammed shut before he whispered, “I do.”

He didn’t want to think about what those two little words meant, and he certainly didn’t want to ponder the fact that the sight of his ring on her finger and the touch of her hand on his made his heart beat just a little differently.

 

****

 

Outside their room, Lisa set the food tray on the floor in the hall. Then she leaned against the cool wood of the door separating her from Joe.

A sick sort of feeling engulfed her. She didn’t want to think about the reason. Her heart pounded and her chest constricted. She took a slow deep breath to keep the uncomfortable feeling at bay.

It was a deep well of emptiness, as if God were far away from her. This wasn’t the first time she’d experienced it. And because of that, what right did she have to use those words against Joe the way she had? He might have taken his eyes off God, but she couldn’t feel Him. She could no longer sense the peace He’d once filled her with. “Please, Lord, help me find it again. I need to know You’re here with me.”

Utterly ashamed and sick about what she’d said to Joe, Lisa didn’t know whether to pace the deck or fall down on her knees and cry. She refused to give in to the emotion. She had to stay strong and focused, keep her eye on the goal: pull Joe out of this. Then, and only then, could she save her marriage.

Oh, Joe. How could she have used guilt on him like that? Guilt. On a man who was already torturing himself with it.

“Forgive me, Lord,” she prayed. “Take away the sting of my words.”

The very last thing she wanted to do was hurt Joe or instill more guilt in him. He’d heaped a big enough load of it on himself.

She’d meant for this to be a sanctuary for him, and here she’d added to his grief.

Everything was such a mess.

Helping Joe was her priority. Helping him and getting him back. Even though it seemed impossible, she couldn’t—wouldn’t—give up on him.

She truly did feel like she needed this as much as he did. And her reasons weren’t just because she’d hoped to get Joe to come home, but also so they could feel closer to Cody. If they took this trip their son had looked forward to, wouldn’t it help them say good-bye?

She pictured Joe inside the room, becoming more and more absorbed in whatever was on the computer screen.

For a minute, back in the room, Lisa thought Joe was coming around. When she’d returned to find him sitting there with a fork in his hand, eating breakfast, she’d had a moment of hope. But her hope was short lived, shriveled like a grape in the California sun when she’d sat across from the table and he’d shut her out of his pain.

Was it too much to hope he’d accept her presence and actually want to enjoy two weeks with her? She didn’t think it was, though she knew she had a better chance of convincing Rose to step foot into a church.

Lisa wished she could run back inside the room and slam the laptop shut. She wanted to shake him back to reality, kiss the sadness from his eyes, and get him to come back home with her. But he’d most likely have no part of it. All she could do was pray and ask the Lord to help Joe see that they needed to grieve for their son together. He needed to come home. “Please let him see that, Lord. Please.”

“Let’s do this together,” Lisa silently willed from her heart to Joe’s. If only she could make him understand.

 

****

 

With Lisa gone, Joe paced the small room. She spoke the truth when she said he’d abandoned her and isolated himself. He’d shut everyone out so he could pretend he didn’t have issues to deal with.

But were they easier to deal with alone?

Part of him wanted to rush to the door and call her back. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. No matter how much he wanted to hold Lisa and make her his wife again, he couldn’t. He didn’t deserve her, and she certainly didn’t deserve to be saddled with him.

If only he could turn back time, go back to the place where Cody was a newborn. “Why, God? Why won’t You turn back time? Why won’t You let me start over? I’ll do my best. I promise I’ll be the best father and best husband ever. I just don’t want to see that pain in Lisa’s eyes anymore.”

It couldn’t happen. In fact, why was he even talking to God? As if He even listened. If God listened to him, the accident never would have happened in the first place.

No. That wasn’t fair. It wasn’t God’s fault. It was his fault. Joe’s. He was the one who messed up. He had the chance and didn’t take it. He’s the one who made work more important than his family.

God wouldn’t help him now. He wasn’t worth it. He deserved everything he got.

But Cody didn’t. Neither did Lisa.

 

****

 

When Lisa finally found the courage and strength to face Joe, she slowly opened the door.

“Joe?”

Just the way she’d left him, he sat in the chair with his laptop. She could tell by his expression, he wasn’t seeing whatever was on the screen. She could also tell that he heard her but had no intention of answering.

“Joe, I’m sorry. I—the things I said—please don’t hate me. I don’t even know why I said what I did.”

“Because you meant it.” The cynicism in his voice saddened her.

“No. I didn’t express myself very well. You need to grieve in whatever way you feel. And there’s no set timetable. I used a poor choice of words. I’m so sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter, Lisa.”

“Yes, it does. Look at me.”

When he still didn’t look up, she went over to the closet and pulled out her bags. She unzipped one with fury and began pulling at her clothing on the hangers.

“What are you doing?”

Lisa turned around to find Joe watching her from across the room. He’d closed the laptop and stood next to the table. His brown eyes gazed at her intently.

“I—I made a mistake,” she said, flustered by the way he stared at her. “You were right. You do need to be alone. I’m going to see if they have another room available.”

“They don’t.” His tone spoke volumes. “I checked.”

Another piece of her heart broke.

“There has to be someplace I can sleep until we get to Ketchikan. Then I’ll see about getting a plane home.”

“But you’re afraid to fly.”

“I’m more afraid of saying something else to hurt you than I am of getting on an airplane. You don’t deserve it.”

In two strides, Joe was across the room. With gentleness Lisa hadn’t seen from him in a long time, he took the bags from her and put them back in the closet. He even went so far as to re-hang the one outfit she’d managed to tear from its hanger.

“What are you doing?”

“Lisa, I’m sorry.”

Her breath caught in her throat, and she eyed him warily.

“It was rude of me to try to make you leave. You’re right. You do need to say good-bye the same way I do. I have no right to tell you otherwise.”

Did this mean he was ready to find closure at the loss of their son? Had the Lord answered her prayer already? Hope blossomed within her.

“Joe?”

“Let’s start over.”

Her heart pounded.

“How is Rose?”

Lisa blinked at the change in conversation.

“After you mentioned her last night, I wondered how she was doing.”

“She’s not good. She tries, but she’s not…” Lisa pressed her lips together and shook her head. How did she explain one person’s inability to cope with grief to another person who was having the same difficulty?

“I’m glad she has you for a friend.” Joe’s tone was quiet. “I’m sure you’re good for her.”

“I don’t know.” Lisa shook her head. “I feel so helpless. Like there’s something more I should be doing for her.”

“You can’t fix everyone, Lisa.”

Was that what she tried to do? Fix everyone? “I know that. I just want to help. But it’s really hard to help Rose because she doesn’t go to church.”

“Neither do I.” Joe’s broken whisper infused Lisa with guilt.

Why had she brought up church? Joe stopped going months ago, and though she tried several times to get him to back to church, he adamantly refused.

“I know. I’m sorry.” She didn’t want to say anything to undo this fragile truce they had. “I didn’t mean—”

“I know you didn’t. It’s all right. Don’t force it.” He sounded so calm, Lisa could scarcely believe it. They were actually having a conversation about church, and Joe wasn’t defensive. She almost collapsed with relief. Here she’d been so afraid he’d turned his back on God.

Did he still believe? She wanted to ask but didn’t. “Rose doesn’t believe in God.”

“Don’t give up on her.” He spoke quietly, and Lisa couldn’t help but hope he was also asking her not to give up on him.

“I won’t,” she assured him. Nor would she ever give up on him. Ever.

“I’m sorry about the way I’ve acted. I know I overreacted to your being here.” He met her gaze. “I was embarrassed at the way you found me yesterday. You know…the things I said when I first woke up and didn’t know you were here. I was surprised to find you here. Maybe even a little…” he swallowed hard and shook his head.

“Joe,” she whispered around the painful lump in her throat. “Were you glad to see me?”

Before he answered, he turned away from her. “I can’t answer that honestly, but believe it or not, there was some part of me that wished I didn’t have to do this by myself.”

Who did you want to do this with? She wanted to ask the question, but she was too afraid of what his response would be.

Lisa took a deep breath as Joe stepped closer. Everything would be OK after all. She let out the breath, embarrassed that it sounded so much like a sigh, and prepared to take Joe into her arms. Instead, he brushed past her toward the bathroom.

“I know you need to grieve.” He spoke from the bathroom doorway, his tone of voice a lot sharper than it had been a minute ago. “The same way you keep telling me I need to grieve. You’re here. There’s nothing I can do about it. But don’t tell me how to spend my time. There’s nothing you can do to make me enjoy myself. I suggest you leave me alone.”

“Joe, I—” She started toward him, but he held up his hand.

“Look, do what you want. Just don’t involve me in it. Are we clear?”

He sounded so dejected and distressed Lisa wanted to throw her arms around him and soothe his hurts away. Of course she didn’t, couldn’t. She’d be met with resentment, and she didn’t want Joe to resent her. She only wanted him to love her.

“Perfectly,” she whispered as the door shut behind him.

Feeling like a fool, Lisa tried to rein in her emotions. For one silly moment, she thought things would be OK. Was it so wrong to want that? Was it wrong to hope?

 

****

 

While Joe was in the shower, Lisa sat on the floor of the closet and unzipped one of her bags. It was the only bag she hadn’t unpacked. It held personal things, things she didn’t want Joe to see yet. Bits and pieces of their life together. Things she’d hoped to share with him once he agreed to come home and be her husband again.

But things weren’t going as she planned, and she prayed it wasn’t a sign of things to come.

Please, God, let this work out for us.

What if it never happened? She needed to face facts. Joe didn’t want her here. He had even checked to see if another room might be available for her. Pain squeezed her throat making it difficult to swallow. She struggled to keep the tears at bay. She didn’t want Joe to come out of the shower and find her crying.

Maybe she shouldn’t be so quick to give up. Didn’t he all but say he was glad she was here? Well, maybe she shouldn’t go that far, but it certainly seemed like that’s what he’d been about to say before he turned around and told her to leave him alone.

Lisa shook her head. She wanted to hope, but confusion warred in her heart. Then a stray thought hit her. It was possible Joe was confused as well.

As she rummaged through the suitcase, Lisa’s mind whirled. Maybe, just maybe, she could find a way to help him deal with his confusion. Maybe together they could find a way to help each other.

Slowly, she pulled out her whale shirt. Cody’s too. For just a minute, she imagined he was here instead of heaven. Did God let the spirit of our loved ones visit once in a while? Is that why she sensed Cody’s presence sometimes? If He did then it was an almost certainty Cody was here with her now. Or perhaps it was merely wishful thinking and a heavy dose of her imagination.

She placed the shirts side-by-side. Lovingly, she ran her hand across the picture Cody had drawn. Tears threatened again, this time burning the back of her eyes. She wouldn’t be able to hold them back much longer. It hurt to swallow, and her entire chest ached with emotion. She picked up his shirt and pressed her face against it, reveling in the little boy scent it still held. For a minute, it really did seem like he was here with her.

“Oh, Cody, come back to me,” she whispered.