9

 

Joe sat next to Lisa in the Skygazer’s Café, the closest place to get out of the cold. Despair filled his wife’s eyes. He’d brought her here when she finally cried out all of her tears. A pot of tea that smelled like cinnamon steeped in front of her, and Joe poured some into a cup. Then he placed her shaking hands on either side in an attempt to warm her up.

The stark white of her face alarmed him, as did the tinge of blue touching her lips.

“What kind of soup would you like?”

She didn’t look at him, let alone respond. It tore him up to see her like this.

“Lisa, please say something.” He needed to get through to her. She was much too quiet, much too cold. “Drink your tea so you can warm up. Otherwise I’ll have to take you to see the ship’s doctor.”

“Why, Joe?” she asked in a small voice that sounded nothing like her. She let go of the teacup and finally looked at him. “Why doesn’t God hear my prayers anymore?”

This was something he couldn’t bear. Lisa questioning her faith. She’d always been so strong, so unshakable in her beliefs. He’d been the weak one, the one whose faith crumbled under trials.

“I missed the whales,” she whispered between chattering teeth.

“I know.” Joe rubbed her cold hands. He needed to get her warm, comfort her, and take care of her.

“The fog rolled in just as I made it back to the deck. I totally missed them.” Her voice broke, and she swallowed hard. “I wanted to see them. For Cody.”

“You’ll get another chance, sweetheart. There’s bound to be more whales.”

She shook her head and looked up at him, her heart’s brokenness reflected in her gaze. “I don’t think so. Did you ever want something so bad, you just knew it wasn’t going to happen?”

Yeah. You. Cody. Our family back together again. The one thing he knew would never happen again. Unable to give voice to his thoughts, Joe shook his head. Now wasn’t the time to linger on what he couldn’t have. Lisa was here now, and she needed him. Silent grief lingered between them until Lisa looked away and finally began to sip her tea.

When she finished, she set down the cup and stood. “Let’s go back to the room. I think I need a hot shower.”

“Are you sure you don’t want some soup first?”

She was much too thin, and the soup would be good for her.

She shook her head. “Joe, thank you for being there for me tonight. I really do appreciate it.”

Something inside him warmed at her words. Taking the focus off himself, reaching out, was good. Giving someone else, Lisa, comfort—what would things be like for them today, if he’d done that months ago?

 

****

 

“So how did you find me?” Lisa stood on her tiptoes, staring out the small cabin window into the twilight. When Joe didn’t immediately answer, she looked over to where he sat on the edge of his bed. Lips pressed together, he seemed pensive.

Did he already have regrets about taking her in his arms and comforting her? It had been the last thing Lisa expected to happen. So much time had passed since they held each other. It was warm, safe, right. She wanted to stay in his arms forever.

“I thought about what you said about the whales, and I wanted to talk to you about it. When I couldn’t find you, I overheard this young boy talking to his father. His name is Brandon. He’s six or seven, I think. Younger than Cody.”

“I know Brandon.”

“You do? Really?”

“I met him earlier in the day.” Lisa told Joe how Brandon helped her when she dropped the flowers at the door and then about seeing him again on the deck.

Joe nodded. “He saw you crying and told his dad about it. He was worried about you, Lisa.” He paused. “So was I.”

It took a moment for her to absorb this. Joe had actually thought about their argument and wanted to talk about it? He’d been worried about her? Dare she get her hopes up?

No. She couldn’t take another letdown. She struggled to keep her expression neutral. “I’m glad you found me.”

As soon as she spoke, he nodded and turned away.

She couldn’t tell if he was regretful, embarrassed, or happy. Not wanting to push him away when they’d made this small step forward, Lisa went to the closet and gathered some things for her shower.

When she walked past the bunk beds toward the bathroom, she spotted her and Cody’s orca sweatshirts lying behind Joe on his bed.

“Joe?”

He ducked his head as if embarrassed then glanced at the shirts before looking at her. He took a deep breath. “I found them in the closet. It’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“You searched my bags? Why?” It was so unlike Joe, she wasn’t sure what to say.

“I saw them when you were looking at them in the closet. When you left the room after our argument, I— I needed to see them again.”

His voice grew husky.

An ache settled deep in her heart.

“I—I thought about him. About Cody.” Joe squeezed his eyes shut, and the sting of tears gathered in Lisa’s own eyes. “I tried to picture him happy, smiling. I couldn’t. But when I took the shirt out of the closet, looked at his artwork again, I could picture him drawing and could finally imagine him smiling.”

He opened his pain-filled eyes and swallowed hard. “I knew you’d want his shirt with you when you saw the whales, so I was bringing it to you,” he said, his voice a raw whisper.

“Oh, Joe. Thank you.” She turned away and ran into the bathroom so he wouldn’t see the tears she could no longer hold at bay.

The hot water washed over her, but that wasn’t what eventually seeped through the chill to warm her flesh and bones. It was Him. God. He’d been listening after all. He really was here with her…and with Joe.

“Lord, I’m so confused,” she prayed as she stood under the hot spray. “I thought you didn’t hear me any longer. But you did. You sent Joe to find me when I needed him the most.”

As she prayed a prayer of thanksgiving and asked forgiveness for her doubts, Lisa began to hope again.

 

****

 

While Lisa showered, Joe sat in one of the uncomfortable green chairs holding Cody’s whale sweatshirt and tried to figure out exactly what he was feeling.

In some ways, things felt right—not as in ‘all is well with the world,’ because without their son, the world would never be the same again. But he knew he needed to be here, on this ship, with Lisa, helping her through her heartache.

Then there were these warm feelings still lingering inside him. They both confused and amazed him. Much as he wanted to deny it, he wasn’t ready for the feelings to dissipate. What could he do to hang on to them?

“Joe? I think there’s someone at the door.”

Joe looked up to see Lisa peeking out the bathroom door, face flushed and a towel wrapped around her damp body. He stared a minute too long. Embarrassed, he looked away. Then he almost looked again. Why should he be embarrassed? She was his wife, after all.

Because, you idiot, you abandoned her when she needed you most.

“Joe?” Eyebrows raised along with her voice, Lisa tilted her head toward the cabin door. “The door?”

Only then did he become aware of the knocking sound.

“Sorry.” Disconcerted by his thoughts, Joe tossed Cody’s shirt in the other chair before he headed toward the door. Who could possibly be knocking on the door at this time of night, especially on a cruise ship where they didn’t know a soul?

An elderly woman stood at the door.

“You must have the wrong room,” Joe said.

“Not if you’re Lisa’s husband, I don’t.” The woman spoke in a cheerful tone. Too cheerful for what he and Lisa had been through this evening.

“Oh.” Joe blinked. He looked back toward Lisa, but she’d disappeared back into the bathroom. When had she made friends? First little Brandon and now this white-haired lady.

“So, are you?” She stared at him, her eyes magnified behind thick glasses.

“Am I what?”

She just smiled and stared some more.

“Oh. Lisa’s husband. Yes. I am. Forgive my manners.” He held out his hand. “Joe Kendall. And you are?”

“I’m Jessica Lane.” She took his hand firmly in hers then covered it with her other one in a comforting manner. She had an unusually strong grip. Though lined with age, her hands were deeply tanned and muscular. She’d obviously worked hard her entire life. “I just heard what happened. Poor Lisa. I wanted to check in on her before I retire for the night. Is she all right? She could have caught pneumonia.”

People were talking about Lisa? Just exactly what were they saying? And who would be saying anything at all? Lisa didn’t know anyone on the cruise. Except, apparently, Brandon and this woman standing here.

“Are you all right?”

With a start, Joe realized he was staring at the poor woman as if she had two heads.

“I’m sorry. I just didn’t know Lisa knew anyone on the ship.”

“We met on one of the upper decks after I saw her in the gift shop. We sat and had a nice long talk. She’s a real sweetheart.”

Jessica sounded so genuine that Joe couldn’t help but smile. “Yes,” he agreed. “She is, and she’s doing fine. She’s taking a shower. When she’s finished, I’m going to try to get her to eat some soup.”

“She could do with more than soup. She’s much too thin.”

Joe’s sentiments exactly. He nodded. “But I’ll be happy just to get some soup in her.”

Jessica raised one white eyebrow and looked past his shoulder as though she expected to be invited in. He couldn’t very well shut the door in her face, but he didn’t want her to see the bunk beds and get too inquisitive.

“I’d invite you in, but Lisa’s showering.”

“Then why don’t I accompany you to the café on the Skygazer Deck while you buy Lisa that soup you mentioned? We can talk along the way.”

How could he say no to that? Besides, he was curious to find out exactly what Jessica knew about his and Lisa’s relationship. “Let me just get my wallet.”

Joe ducked back inside the cabin, inhaling a waft of citrus-scented air that had escaped under the bathroom door. He grabbed his wallet off the nightstand and headed back toward the door, stopping at the sight of Cody’s shirt where he’d carelessly tossed it. He scooped it up and spread it across Lisa’s bed. After running his hand over it to smooth out the wrinkles, he knocked on the bathroom door. “Lisa, I’ll be back in just a bit.”

“Oh…OK, Joe.”

If he told her he intended to bring her back something to eat, she’d probably ask him not to leave. So, he left it at that.

 

****

 

Joe stepped into the corridor and was met by Jessica, who wore a none-too-friendly scowl. He probably shouldn’t have shut the door in her face. “Sorry.” He muttered an apology and started down the hall with Lisa’s newfound friend.

“I’m worried about Lisa.” Jessica tossed the words over her shoulder as she power-walked toward the elevator.

Did she know Lisa well enough to be worried about her? Now Joe was even more curious about this woman.

“I’m worried, too.” Joe increased his stride so he could catch up with her. This was no frail little lady fading into the twilight years. He had a feeling she was full of surprises.

“Brandon’s father told me she was inconsolable.”

So Jessica knew Brandon and his father. This ship was beginning to seem like a small community. The thought made him a little more than uncomfortable.

“Yes,” Joe admitted. “Lisa was heartbroken. It kind of scared me. I haven’t seen her cry like that in a long time.”

Or heard her cry, he amended to himself. This cruise was the first time he’d physically seen her in weeks. But her voice on the messages she left every day didn’t sound like someone who’d been crying. Come to think of it, he couldn’t remember when he’d last heard her voice on the phone and even thought she’d been crying. When had she stopped?

“Why do you think she’s so upset?”

Why did it even matter to this woman? Still, she’d sought them out to check on Lisa. “She missed seeing the whales. It has something to do with our son. He loved whales so much.”

“So seeing them was important to her. But important enough to cause this kind of response?”

Maybe Jessica was a retired psychiatrist. She was beginning to ask him way too many questions. “No. This is more like she’s given up, and I can’t stand the thought.” Joe scrubbed his hands over his face. “Even when we lost Cody, her faith kept her from giving in to the overwhelming grief. I’m not saying she didn’t grieve. She did. She cried a lot. But she didn’t let it take her to some dark place she could never come back from.”

“What about you?”

Joe shook his head. What was this woman driving at? “Me?”

“Your faith. How did it help you get through?”

That dark place he spoke of…Joe knew it well, and he couldn’t believe he was about to share his next statement with a stranger. “It didn’t.”

She smiled at him, nodded, and didn’t say anything.

And her silence somehow built a bridge between him and Jessica. “To tell you the truth, I was kind of relieved when Lisa finally stopped crying over our son.”

“Relieved?” Jessica stared at him, much the way he’d stared at her when she’d first come to the cabin.

“Yeah. I know it was selfish on my part.” Joe looked away from her unwavering, disbelieving gaze. “I get uncomfortable around a lot of crying, and I was having a hard time with my own emotions. But this…” He waved his hand helplessly. “This hopelessness is so different. I don’t know what to do.”

Jessica pressed her lips together and nodded. “Hmm.” That small sound was ripe with meaning, leaving Joe to wonder what she was thinking.

He almost asked her, but they reached the Skygazer Café, and Jessica hurried inside and up to the counter while Joe was caught holding the door for several smiling and laughing passengers.

Jessica ordered two cups of Earl Grey tea and a bowl of potato soup to go. Joe made it to the counter just as she was fishing in her purse. He quickly pulled out his wallet and handed the waiter the special credit card the ship gave each passenger when they boarded. Call him old-fashioned, but he couldn’t let Jessica pay for his tea and Lisa’s soup with her ship’s credit card. It just didn’t feel right.

He carried the tray to a nearby table while Jessica grabbed napkins, some blue packets of sweetener, and stir-sticks.

“Lisa didn’t tell me you were so handsome.”

A twinge of regret brushed Joe’s heart. Did Lisa still even think of him that way? After all he’d put her through? Not that he’d expect her to say so to a total stranger.

“She tells me you don’t really want her here.”

Oh, great. She apparently knew so much about him and Lisa; it probably wouldn’t have mattered if she’d seen the bunk beds.

“What else did she say?”

“Not much else.”

“Good,” he said wryly.

Jessica looked at him with one eyebrow raised above her glasses. “I don’t know whether to be hurt or offended.”

“Neither. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so rude.”

“I understand.” She smiled at him, and Joe relaxed just a bit. “We did find out that not only are we neighbors on the Denali Deck, but that we have little Brandon in common,”

Joe nodded. “I’m glad she met both of you.” He wasn’t sure what else to say so he sipped his tea.

Jessica followed suit, then leaned forward with her elbows on the table. “She did tell me about your little boy.” She reached out and squeezed his hand.

Pulling his hand from hers, he turned away so she wouldn’t see the moisture gathering in his eyes. Only after he felt like he was finally composed, did he turn back to Jessica.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“No. I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” She pressed her lips together and glanced down at her lap as if embarrassed.

“It’s all right, Jessica. Really. That’s actually why I’m here.”

“Because you lost your little guy?”

“Because my work is suffering, and my boss forced me to take time off or be fired.” Never really one to open up to people, Joe marveled that he felt comfortable enough with Jessica to confide in her when he never confided in anyone else.

“What made you decide on the cruise as a way to spend your time off?”

He shrugged. He might as well tell her. “Because Lisa called and left a message on my voice mail, every single day, telling me I need to deal with my feelings and that I should take the cruise. I guess she thought it would help.”

“So why do you think she’s given up now instead of then?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

“You know she blames herself for the accident, don’t you?”

“She told you that?” Why would Lisa blame herself? Perhaps for the same reason you blame yourself. The small thought whispered through his mind, and he quickly shoved it away.

“Don’t worry,” Jessica assured him. “She didn’t say that to me. But it’s a natural thing for a mother to blame herself. And it’s apparent that she’s not the only one feeling the same blame.”

Joe didn’t respond. Why on earth did Lisa blame herself? He was the one at fault.

“Did you ever stop to think Lisa’s doing the very thing she’s accused you of? Not dealing with her feelings? Lisa probably called you every day because it gave her something to focus on besides herself.”

“You mean worrying about me instead of dealing with Cody?”

Jessica nodded. “I doubt she’s dealt with her grief, except marginally. She probably compartmentalized it in such a way that she convinced herself she’d deal with it once you were better. You said she always seemed so strong. Maybe she thought she had to be strong for you and decided she’d deal with her feelings later. Then when she missed seeing the whales, everything just overwhelmed her. All those repressed feelings came rushing to the surface.”

Who is this woman? Joe shot Jessica a pointed look. But she kept talking as if the look he gave her was perfectly ordinary.

“Something about missing those whales was like a sign to her that not only is Cody really gone, but so are you. You’re completely right when you say she’s given up.”

“What are you, Jessica? A psychologist?”

Jessica flashed him an endearing smile.

“I’m just someone who cares, Joe.”

Why? Why did she care?

Furthermore, why was he even listening to her? He’d dismissed everything anyone had ever tried to tell him about grieving and finding closure, about Lisa. So why, when he wouldn’t listen to those closest to him, was he listening to a stranger? She was a kind and caring stranger with a sympathetic ear and a smile that warmed his heart.

That really wasn’t the point. He was at a loss, but one thing he did know.

“You, Jessica, are the answer to a prayer.”

“Yours or Lisa’s?”

Good question. At this point, he wasn’t sure. “Maybe both.”

“Maybe,” she agreed. “But if you really want to help Lisa, you need to put your heart aside and do something to help pull her out of her slump. I think it might be the only way she’ll survive this.”

Joe took a big gulp of tea and shut his eyes as he swallowed. He could tell by the glint in Jessica’s eyes, this conversation was about to get way too intense.