10

 

Lisa was disappointed to find the room still empty. She had hoped they could spend some more time talking. She feared if they didn’t, this fragile opening they’d found would disappear. Maybe it already had. Could be their talk have scared him off. He’d probably sought out the captain again, hoping an empty cabin might have miraculously appeared.

Heavyhearted, Lisa tiptoed up the ladder to her bed. Cody’s sweatshirt was spread out on her pillow. Joe. A catch tugged at her heart. He really did care. Much as he concealed it, he did.

She smiled to herself and pulled the shirt close as she climbed under the covers, once again inhaling the little-boy scent that clung to the clothing. Had Joe noticed the scent when he held the shirt? Lisa’s throat tightened to an overwhelming ache and the sting of tears burned the backs of her eyes as she remembered the pain etched on Joe’s face while he held Cody’s shirt and told her how he could actually picture their son—something he hadn’t been able to do since Cody died.

“Oh, Joe,” she whispered. “Does this mean you’re finally able to deal with our loss?”

God really was working in Joe’s heart. If she wasn’t sure before, she was sure now. She brushed at her tears then began to pray. “You really are here with Joe, Lord. Thank You so much for hearing my prayer. I know You’ll help him find a way to deal with his feelings. I pray he’ll be open to You and recognize You’re always with him. And Lord, thank You that he opened up to me, even if it was just the tiniest bit. I pray he’ll talk to me about it some more. Please don’t let him shut back down. Wherever he is right now, Lord, please let him come back to me.”

After wiping away more tears, Lisa fluffed her pillow and turned to face the door. Why, after all of these months, were the tears she’d struggled so hard to contain suddenly falling so freely? The emotion of the day left her exhausted and struggling to keep her eyes open as she waited for Joe to return.

 

****

 

Almost an hour after Joe headed toward the café with Jessica, he’d learned all about her tulip farm in Skagit Valley. He felt envious of the simple, but hard-working life she’d shared with her husband. He walked Jessica to her cabin before heading back to his own with a container of potato soup for Lisa and a head full of advice.

He went back over their conversation. Was Jessica an answer to a prayer? Joe couldn’t recall ever being so open with anyone other than Lisa, and after his short time with Jessica, he could almost see things from a different perspective. Something had shifted inside him.

Earlier that evening, it even seemed as though God might be with him. He sensed the reason was that he’d stopped to take his eyes off his own misery for five minutes and finally saw, really saw, the hurt his wife was feeling. Or it could be due to Jessica’s prodding. Whatever the reason, Joe knew one thing above all else. Lisa was in crisis-mode. Determined to be there for her now, he fumbled with the door key in one hand and the potato soup in the other. As he did, one thought overwhelmed him. He still loved his wife, and he was no longer overcome with the intense, desperate need for her to leave him alone.

After setting the soup on the small table, Joe looked over at the bed where Lisa lay sleeping. Unsure whether he should wake her, he gently whispered her name. Her eyelashes fluttered, but she didn’t open her eyes.

It was just as well. Joe watched her for a minute, thinking sleep was probably better than soup right now. Especially if she was able to rest peacefully.

Except Lisa wasn’t resting peacefully. He’d watched her sleep so many times through the years he knew she wasn’t really sleeping. She had a certain way of breathing at night. Not a snore, something softer, a rhythmic sound that never failed to match the beats of his heart.

Or maybe the beats of his heart matched her breaths.

“Lisa?” he called her name again, not expecting her to answer. For whatever reason, she wanted him to think she was asleep.

Maybe Jessica was right and she did need something to look forward to. Even as he ran the thought through his mind, his stomach twisted into knots. Still, he forged on.

“I know you’re awake. But that’s OK. You don’t have to talk to me. The ship’s first port of call is tomorrow. Ketchikan. We can go if you’d like. Think about it.”

She still didn’t move a muscle, but that was OK. He knew she heard him. That’s what was important. She heard him and hopefully would look forward to morning.

Not that he looked forward to it himself. He would have at one time, but not anymore. And he didn’t really think spending the day touring with Lisa was such a great idea.

If it wasn’t for his talk with Jessica, he wouldn’t have even made the offer. She’d suggested it as a way to cheer up Lisa.

Joe didn’t suspect Jessica’s motives. She was a kind woman and only seemed concerned about Lisa’s welfare, nothing more. Joe was concerned, too. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be going out on this limb. Maybe after going into town, Lisa would feel better. Then he would feel better.

He got into bed, dreading morning. But he’d made the offer; he couldn’t call it back.

 

****

 

It broke Lisa’s heart not to answer when Joe whispered her name, but she couldn’t let him know she’d been crying again. He had enough on his heart without worrying about her any further. Just knowing he still cared, that he’d come looking for her, touched the deepest part of her soul.

The invitation to go into Ketchikan brought tears to her eyes. He wanted to spend the day with her. Earlier, that knowledge would have sent shivers of hope straight to her heart. Now, she just wasn’t so sure.

For a long time, she lay there wondering if it meant they could finally find a way to comfort each other. Were her prayers being answered bit-by-bit?

Listening to him breathe softly on the bunk below her, Lisa realized she’d have to think about it in the morning. Right now, her heart weighed too heavy to look forward to anything.

Lucky for Joe he’d been able to fall asleep so quickly. For him to nod off so quickly tonight must mean he was exhausted.

From looking for her.

Lisa brushed away the whisper of guilt and tried to focus her mind on something else. Like prayer. But it did no good. She couldn’t concentrate. Sleep would be a long time coming.

The dull, hollow ache in her chest never seemed to go away, but tonight, her heart ached deeper than usual, her memories of Cody more intense.

Tears seemed to always simmer at the back of her eyes. She could only pray that time would ease the ache and soothe the sting of emotions.

Sometimes, though, she was afraid to pray because God might answer her prayer and lessen her pain. But would that mean she’d forget her son?

No! A sob tore from her before she could stop it. She buried her face in her pillow, not wanting to disturb Joe.

Too late, she heard Joe’s covers rustling, followed by his footsteps on the floor.

A second later his breath whispered across her neck, the touch of his hand tucking her hair behind her ear, gently touching the exposed part of her cheek just above her jawline.

“Lisa?”

She grew still, her face buried in her pillow, and tried to keep herself from revealing she was awake.

“Come on, Lisa. I know you’re awake.” His deep voice rumbled in her ear, and she realized he was standing on the ladder to her bunk. She held her breath, her pride too strong to let him see her tears or to share with him just how deeply she hurt.

He gave a none-too-gentle tug on the edge of her pillow. “You’re going to suffocate in that pillow, you know.”

The depth of caring she heard in his voice warmed her heart. For so long, he’d scarcely acknowledged her. Compelled to ease some of the worry she heard in his voice, she finally answered him. “I’m not going to suffocate, Joe. I’m awake. I’m fine. Now go away.”

After all the agonizing over his remoteness, and the hope and prayers for them to be able to comfort each other, why in the world was she telling him to leave her now?

She hadn’t planned for Joe to see her cry anymore; she was certain that’s what had driven him away in the first place.

If only he knew how much guilt she had stored in her heart.

 

****

 

Oddly disappointed by Lisa’s refusal to let him comfort her, Joe settled back into bed and closed his eyes. But his mind wouldn’t settle. Frustrated, Joe recognized the sharp sting of rejection. All he wanted to do was comfort her, help her out of this dark place she’d found herself at tonight.

Like she tried to do so often for you.

Now he knew exactly how she felt when he refused to let her in. Lisa, what are we going to do? He wished he could go back to ignoring her, but he couldn’t. Neither could he go back to that dark place where he shut everything, and everyone, out.

Ashamed of himself, of the way he’d abandoned Lisa, Joe knew he couldn’t leave Lisa to deal with this hopelessness by herself. He needed to be there for her in ways he hadn’t been before. He couldn’t abandon her a second time.

The enormity of his failure staggered him. She deserved better than to have him in her life. Then a new thought flickered at the edges of his mind. Even though he thought it was best for her, could it be possible the divorce would only bring more pain and devastation to Lisa?

Are you listening, Lord? I’m so confused. How can I help her without hurting her more?

He might be confused about what was best for Lisa, but he did know one thing. While she’d come here intending to help him, he was about to turn the tables and help her. Tomorrow morning when they woke up, Lisa would find him with a different attitude.

 

****

 

Joe’s heart caught. Clearly, Lisa hadn’t slept well. Traces of the despair and desolation from last night still showed in the dark smudges under her eyes that showed through her cosmetics.

He would give anything to wipe the sorrow from her eyes.

“Good morning.”

She jumped, clearly not expecting to see him already up and dressed for the day.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” he said.

“You have?”

Joe could almost convince himself that something in her voice perked up, and he wished he could call back his words. He didn’t want to give her false hope. But he couldn’t seem to help himself. Feeling almost desperate to find a way to help her over the disappointment of not seeing the whales, Joe forged ahead. “Jessica invited us to eat breakfast with her in the dining room. I wanted to know if you’d like to go.”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“No?” He didn’t believe she meant it even as she shook her head.

“Aren’t you hungry?”

“Not really.”

“OK, then.” Joe tried not to focus in on the fact that she’d missed dinner last night. Instead, he made the offer she’d ignored last night. Another of Jessica’s suggestions, but Lisa didn’t need to know. “The ship’s first port of call today. Ketchikan. Would you like to go?”

“No.”

Lisa’s negative answers frustrated him, but why was it suddenly so important to him that she agree to do something today? “You want to just sit around here all day?”

“I think so.”

“Isn’t that what you didn’t want me to do? You said it wasn’t good for me.”

“Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you were right to sit around all day doing nothing.”

Joe sighed, at a momentary loss over what to do. He had to save Lisa from spiraling into the same deep, dark despair he’d allowed himself to cultivate. If she lost sight of God, as he’d done, she would have nothing to draw from in a crisis.

But Lisa wasn’t like him, he reminded himself. Lisa had faith; she had strength. She just seemed to have forgotten for the moment. He had to point her in the right direction.

“OK. The dining room is out. Going into town is out. There’s a solarium down the hall from us. It has an enclosed balcony, comfortable chairs, and a beautiful view. How about if I go get us some breakfast? We can take it down there and eat while we watch the view.”

“I said I’m not hungry.”

Before Joe could respond, Lisa ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

Tension crept up his shoulders and he rolled them backward in an attempt to loosen them up. More frustrated with himself than her, Joe paced the room. Why had he pushed this on her the very second she woke up? He should have waited until she’d been awake awhile before he said anything.

The way their roles had reversed in the course of one day struck him as ironic.

While he paced, he tried to focus on how he might get through to Lisa. Please, Lord, what can I do? As he prayed, he stopped to stare out the window. It wasn’t quite sunrise, but the view was astonishing. Calming. Humbling.

Beyond the nearby islands, far in the distance, a snow-covered mountain towered against the deep purple backdrop of the sky. White mist draped across the majestic peak illuminated in varying shades of pink and orange by the sun as it began to rise.

A hush came over him, and it was as though God stood right there with him.

Lisa had to see this. If it spoke to her as powerfully as it did to him, well…it might make a difference. It might even bring a smile to her face.

She chose that moment to come back into the room.

He took a deep breath and started to speak, but his instinct tried to take over and take him back to yesterday when all he thought about was himself and his misery. But it wasn’t about him anymore. It was about Lisa. And listening to the Lord.

Taking another breath, he said something he never imagined he’d say. “I miss you, Lisa. Having you here, I—I didn’t realize how much.”

She stood in front of him, staring at the floor. He wasn’t even sure she even listened. He hoped so, because there was something else that had to be said. Joe’s heart hammered out his fear, but he spoke anyway. “I’m sorry I treated you so badly yesterday and the day before. I’m sorry for a lot of things. I was hoping we could talk. You were right when you said it would be good for me to get out and see something besides these walls. Sitting around hasn’t been good for me, and I don’t think it’ll be good for you, either.”

She looked at him then, really looked at him. At least that was the way it seemed. But she didn’t answer, and his disappointment squeezed his heart.

“Come here.” He held his hand out to her. “I want to show you something.”

 

****

 

Lisa’s bruised heart warmed just a bit as she watched Joe as he stood at the tiny window, a shadow of a smile playing on his face. She’d waited months to see him smile again.

Uncertain, she took a step toward him and stopped. He was just being nice to her because she’d been so upset last night. It meant nothing. She shouldn’t read anything into it. Nothing.

“Come on, Lisa.”

She reached toward his outstretched hand, eager for his touch. As her hand found his, she closed her eyes and reveled in the warmth of his skin against hers. Then he took a sharp breath. She looked at him, searching the depth of his brown eyes. They gave nothing away.

Still holding her hand, he nodded toward the window. What could he possibly want her to see at this hour? It was too dark to see anything.

The whales. It came to her in a flash. They must be out there. That was the reason for Joe’s partial smile.

Stepping up on her tiptoes, she peered out the window. No whales were in sight, but she still inhaled in appreciation as her eyes soaked in the wondrous beauty in front of her.

God’s promise. He was here. She could see Him all around her, could feel Him whisper through her heart. He created this special dawn just for her. To show her He reigns. He is. He loves. He cares. She knew it. Even in those horrific moments when Cody died, she knew the Lord loved her and was with her. And she believed it. But from that moment until now—she hadn’t felt it. She’d been as empty as Joe.

Now, looking out the tiny window, her heart filled with the wonder her mind had known all along. Her heart burned with it, rejoiced in it. This glorious sight was the Lord’s way of saying, “I’m here.”

Her God, her shelter. He thought of her. In this great big world filled with billions of people, He thought of her. Empty as she’d been, as low as she’d been, He hadn’t left her.

Had He not shown her this before because she wasn’t ready for the message? Another reason could be that while she’d been able to draw her strength from Him to get through those awful days, weeks, and months, now she was on the verge of going down the same dark path as Joe and totally withdrawing from everything and everyone.

And Joe. She hoped Joe saw and felt the same thing she did right now.

She had to share these thoughts with Joe. There was something there; she sensed it. But she didn’t want to push it.

It took her a minute to soak it all in. “It’s beautiful.”

“Yes, it is.” Now Joe’s smile filled his face and her uncertainty began to fade.

“He made it for me.” The feeling burst through her, and she couldn’t help but practically shout. “Me. It was what I needed. God didn’t forget about me. And…” she hesitated, uncertain if she should say it.

“Me?”

“Yes, Joe. You, too.”

“I know,” he whispered. At that moment, she would have given anything to know his thoughts. But he turned from her and slipped out of the room before Lisa could even see his expression.