15

 

Holding Lisa close was Joe’s second mistake. The first was the bright idea to dance with her.

Every ounce of self-preservation was lost when he asked the question that propelled them to the dance floor in the first place.

What on earth was he thinking?

Simply put, he wasn’t. Not in the least. Not about getting off this ship without losing his heart all over again, that’s for sure. He’d stopped processing gray matter the instant he stared into her bright blue eyes, still swimming with tears, and he was lost along with every ounce of self-preservation.

Small, slender, and soft, her hand fit perfectly in his, and as they walked to the dance floor he was slammed with memories. Her hand trembled slightly. Clearly, it affected her as well as it did him. He shouldn’t be doing this to her. It wasn’t fair.

Mistake number three came when they reached the dance floor where couples had their arms wrapped around each other. Either Joe took Lisa in his arms, or he’d look like a fool.

Knowing how she affected him, he’d almost rather look the fool. But he’d come this far, he would finish it.

As soon as he put her arms around her waist, he was a goner.

Heaven help him. How could he stay away from her?

Tenderness pulled Joe’s heart toward Lisa. After all of the guilt he’d heaped upon himself, after all of the time away from her, it simply didn’t make sense. Was it the setting? The music? Or when he’d brushed the hair from her cheek when they’d first arrived in the dining room? Or…simply Lisa.

Now, as she stared him down expecting some kind of an answer, something stirred inside him—a new admiration. Who was this new Lisa who didn’t look away at the slightest bit of eye contact? This new side of her, this quiet strength, and the way he responded to it, unnerved him.

Even though he stood his ground in avoiding her gaze, she continued to stare at him. Expectant. Determined.

Thankfully, the music ended, giving him the perfect opportunity to turn and head back to the table. Though he tried not to be, he was well aware of her hand in his as she ran along behind him.

Knowing full well he was acting rude, Joe didn’t slow his stride. Neither did he hold the chair for her when they reached the table.

When he caught sight of Jessica’s disapproving glare, he withered. Shame filled him. This dinner tonight was about Lisa, not him or his petty jealousy or even about the feelings he tried not to have.

He turned to Lisa and the hurt in her eyes pricked his conscience. Yet, again, he had to swallow his pride. “I’m sorry. I was in a hurry to get back to the table so we could eat.”

He could tell she didn’t believe him. Neither did Jessica, but at least she stopped glaring at him long enough to pick at her food.

No one said grace. It was an odd thing to notice, but Joe was thinking about God again. Saying grace was something they’d always done before he started paying more attention to his job and less to his family. There were many nights when Lisa and Cody ate by themselves. Had they said grace as they sat in the quiet house alone? If only he could get back every one of those missed meals.

Lisa hadn’t said grace when they’d eaten together earlier. Or maybe she had, and he hadn’t noticed. Falling back into a relationship with the Lord seemed more natural by the minute, and he figured he’d start to notice a lot of things.

Joe bowed his head briefly, asking God to forgive him and to take away Lisa’s pain. As for his own pain, he didn’t deserve to have it taken away.

He froze for a moment while he realized he could do one of two things. Embrace the renewing of the relationship or run. He blinked his eyes, feeling God’s presence all around him. He wasn’t sure how this would affect his relationship with Lisa, but he could no longer run from God.

As he finished his prayer, he avoided eye contact with everyone—especially Lisa—and reached for the steak sauce.

 

****

 

Lisa’s heart filled with joy when Joe bowed his head to pray. In all honesty, she couldn’t remember the last time she saw him pray before a meal. Her thoughts were interrupted by a squeal from Brandon.

“What’s wrong?” Chad’s sharp tone was followed by a loud sigh, and caught Lisa off guard. It must have done the same for everyone else, too, because they all stared at Chad.

A deep red flush that contrasted sharply with the shade of his hair crept across Chad’s face. “Sorry,” he said. “What’s wrong, Brandon?” This time the question was asked in a softer tone.

“There’s something icky on my sandwich.” Brandon pushed his plate away and wrinkled his nose.

How many times had she seen that same look on Cody’s face? Lisa smiled in spite of herself, amazed when the memory brought a smile instead of pain. She caught Joe’s eye, and she saw a faint hint of a smile on his face as well. It disappeared so fast though, she might have only imagined it.

“Brandon.” Chad groaned with obvious frustration. “It’s a turkey sandwich. Turkey and mayo. Maybe a little lettuce.”

“No, Dad. This man-aze is gross. It’s all lumpy. And there’s something else in here. Some pink thing that I don’t like.”

Chad sighed again and reached for Brandon’s plate. “Let me see.” He pulled the top slice of bread off to reveal what appeared to be cream cheese with some sort of cranberry mixture. Lisa had to agree with Brandon. It did look gross.

Chad grabbed a butter knife and started scraping the bread. “Really, Brandon.” Chad’s tone was stern now instead of frustrated. “We can’t afford to waste food. You need to learn to eat things you don’t like.”

Tears hovered in Brandon’s eyes. “But, Dad—”

“No buts. Just eat.”

Empathy for Brandon welled deep within.

“Chad?” Jessica sounded nervous, almost as if she wasn’t sure saying anything was a good idea. “Brandon’s welcome to have my mashed potatoes and gravy. There’s even a dinner roll here he might like.”

“And he can have some of my steak,” Joe offered. His voice was deeper than usual and carefully controlled.

“No, thank you. That’s nice of you, but Brandon needs to learn to eat things he doesn’t like.”

Brandon looked truly distressed, and the discomfort of everyone at their table was palpable.

“But, Dad, there’s still stuff stuck to the bread. I might puke.”

“No,” Chad growled. “You. Won’t. Now. Eat.”

Lisa didn’t hear what, if anything, Brandon said because Joe chose that moment to shove his chair back and storm from the dining room. He didn’t even excuse himself.

“Joe!” Lisa stood as she called out to him, but he didn’t respond or look back.

“It’ll be all right, dear.” Jessica patted Lisa’s hand and gave her a tiny smile.

No, it wouldn’t. Lisa sat back down and tried returning the smile, but it was weak at best. When she heard Brandon ask if Joe was angry at someone, she grabbed her napkin and blotted her eyes in hopes of stopping the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks.

“Give him a few minutes, dear, and then go after him.”

Lisa looked Jessica square in the eye and spoke with as much confidence as she could muster. “Oh, I will, Jessica. I will.”

He’s upset. He’s hurting and he needs me.

Her unspoken words bolstered her to her feet.

She stood and walked from the dining room, determined to find her husband.

Joe wasn’t outside the dining room as she expected. She hurried to their cabin, hoping he went back there. The cabin was empty, but Lisa could smell Joe’s aftershave in the air.

She could sit here and wait for him to return, but he’d looked for her last night when she needed him. She intended to return the favor.

Lisa left the cabin, got in the elevator, and pushed the button for the Skygazer Deck. That’s where Joe found her last night, and that’s where she hoped to find him now.

To Lisa’s relief, he stood against the railing across from the Skygazer Café.

He stared out at the inky black water, the look on his face forlorn. The look tugged at her, and she longed to wrap her arms around his waist and press her face against his shoulders—broad shoulders carrying an even broader burden. But something in her whispered, be still. So she was. Though the ache to hold him was strong, she sat at one of the nearby outdoor tables and remained silent.

Eventually Joe buried his face in something he held in his hands. She hadn’t noticed it before, and from this distance, she couldn’t quite tell what it was.

After a few minutes that seemed to last forever, he walked over and sat next to Lisa even though he’d never once given a hint that he knew she was there.

She gasped as he spread something on the table and smoothed it out. She realized it was her whale sweatshirt. Not Cody’s, but hers.

“I wish I’d—” His words were thick with emotion.

“Wish you’d what?”

“It’s too late to—” He shook his head as his voice trailed off.

“Joe?” He wasn’t making any sense, and she so desperately wanted to help him.

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” He looked at her, studying her face. The emotion in his eyes broke her heart. She knew then she’d failed. “You shouldn’t have come, Lisa.”

“I wanted to make sure you were OK.”

“I didn’t mean just now. I meant—” He sighed. “I meant you shouldn’t have come on the cruise. I knew it was a mistake when I didn’t get off the ship in Vancouver.”

Lisa bit her lip and shook her head. The progress they’d made—it was all coming undone. She reached out and ran her hand over the shirt, over Cody’s artwork.

“It hurts too much.” Joe’s voice was thick with pain, but he placed his hand next to hers and traced the whale on the shirt. “Seeing you, seeing this, feeling again. I don’t want to feel, Lisa.”

“I know.” She put her hand on his, oddly comforted when he made no move to escape her touch.

“And Chad…the way he treated Brandon.” He looked at her and her heart twisted in anguish at the raw pain in his eyes. “He humiliated that little boy. A turkey sandwich spread with cranberries and cream cheese is not important in the scheme of things. What’s important is that he has his son.” Joe turned his hand up so their palms touched.

“How can he treat his son like that while mine is lying in a cold grave?”

Naked emotion tore from him, and Lisa was shocked when a tear he fought hard to suppress rolled down his face. Unable to help herself, Lisa pulled her hand from his and threw her arms around him. She cradled his head against her shoulder, blessedly thankful when he didn’t resist. Instead, he buried it there while he sobbed. Tears ran freely down Lisa’s face as well, but she was careful not to even sniffle. She needed to comfort Joe. This was the first time he’d sought it, and to her knowledge these were the first tears he’d shed since their son’s death.

After a while, Joe grew quiet. His sobs subsided with the exception of an occasional sniffle and a deep intake of breath.

Still, he kept his head on Lisa’s shoulder, and she was glad to hold him.

“Earlier, when I told you seeing Cody’s artwork yesterday helped me to picture his face again…there was more. I’m not really sure why, but I need to share it with you now.”

As soon as he mentioned Cody, Lisa held her breath, thankful Joe was opening up to her, eager to hear whatever it was he had to say.

“I prayed. And when I did, something inside me changed.”

Hope bloomed in her heart. Thank you, Father, for answering my prayer.

Joe was turning back to the Lord. She’d noticed him bowing his head at dinner, before eating, but she’d thought he could have been thinking about something else. Unable to help herself, she tightened her arms around him. Joe lifted his head and studied her face for a moment. Then Lisa remained breathless when he brought his hand to her cheek and gently traced it.

“Lisa,” he whispered raggedly. His eyes still held traces of tears and emotion as he tilted his face to hers and lightly caressed her lips with his own. The welcome, familiar warmth of his lips against hers left her weak in the knees, and she leaned into him.

Her heart swelled with love for this man who was so hurt he’d isolated himself from her for so long. This man—her husband. She longed to pull his head closer, to entwine her fingers through his hair, to deepen the kiss. But she held back, uncertain.

As much as her heart soared from the gentle touch of his lips on hers, she didn’t know if it was a kiss of gratitude or a kiss from a man who wanted to rekindle a relationship with his wife. What did it mean?

Pondering these things, hesitant, Lisa was surprised to feel the warmth of Joe’s hand claiming hers. Elated, she let him lead her back to their cabin, her pulse pounding, hope soaring.

 

****

 

Joe fumbled for the key card with one hand while holding Lisa tight with his other. She belonged in his arms, at his side. This was home. This was where he belonged. Not just for tonight, for a brief moment, but forever. He pushed the door open and reached in for the light, reluctant to let go of her even for a moment.

Shyly, Lisa looked up at him. “Joe, shall I put on some music?” A wash of bright pink color spread across her cheeks.

“OK.” He let go of her briefly while she pulled out her cell phone and accessed the music application. The music wasn’t in stereo, but the tune and the vocalist were clear enough.

An old song, but their song nonetheless.

He held his arms open and breathed in slowly, deeply, when she stepped into them. She belonged in his arms. He breathed in the scent of her soap and shampoo, and it assailed his senses. It was as if he’d stepped into a place that could only be found in his dreams…a place he didn’t deserve to be. Holding her was like a balm to his battered heart. If only he could forget for five minutes that he didn’t deserve to hold her, to savor her.

The rhythm of the music, the warmth of her body pressed against his, the gentle motion of the boat—it was easy to get lost in all of it.

Joe rested his cheek against the top of Lisa’s head, his arms wrapped around her shoulders, hers around his waist.

It took him back to happier times, the happiest of his life—their wedding night.

What had happened to those two innocent youths with nothing ahead of them but love?

Lisa sighed and snuggled closer. Savoring the moment, Joe was caught off guard when she tilted her head up to rub her cheek against his.

Before he even realized it, he was kissing her. Time fell away, and they really were two innocent people on their honeymoon, with their lives ahead of them. How easy it would be to give in to the feeling, to forget. Maybe then he could forgive himself. But he couldn’t. He didn’t deserve to forget, and he certainly didn’t deserve forgiveness.

Abruptly he stepped back, frightened to realize how close he really had come to forgetting Cody. He couldn’t afford to lower his guard again.

One look at the pain slicing through Lisa’s eyes and across her face, and his defensive guard was back. Joe looked toward the door, wanting to dash through it.

“It’s OK, Joe. I understand. You can go now.”

For a split second, Joe actually considered it. But he didn’t have the energy to sit in a lounge or bar and listen to the noise or make small talk with strangers. And it was way too chilly to sit out on one of the outside decks.

Feeling like a fool, he sank into the chair nearest the bunk beds and closed his eyes. Opening them again, he let his gaze rest on Lisa, and he sighed. “We can’t do that again, Lisa. I can’t—” He broke off. There were so many words in his heart, words of love and words of doubt. He wasn’t sure which ones were the right ones to say. Some would hurt her, and some might give her hope for their relationship. He didn’t want to do either.

Resting his elbows on his knees, Joe buried his face in his hands. He needed to think. He really had to get a hold of himself before it was too late. If he wasn’t careful, he’d be back with Lisa, and Cody’s memory would fade away as they made new memories. He couldn’t let that happen. He didn’t deserve to be happy any more than his son deserved to be dead.

If only he could turn back the clock—redo the last few years, be a better father, a better husband—would Cody be here with them now? If only. He would give anything if he could make that happen. But he couldn’t. One thing Joe had learned: life was so unfair.

He would never again have the chance to be a better father.

But he did have the chance to be a better husband. Lisa would welcome him with open arms. But if he did go back home with her how long would it be before he started working late, putting his work ahead of her, and neglecting her? Wanting to change wasn’t enough, and he was too emotionally beat to put out the effort.

****

 

Joe wasn’t sure how long he sat on the chair thinking about things, but when he got up to stretch his muscles, he discovered he was alone. He’d been so self-absorbed that Lisa had slipped out without him even noticing.

She was trying to give him space. She was thoughtful that way. It was one of the things he loved about her, her innate sense of what others needed. Even if it meant sitting outside in the cold. The realization propelled him toward the door. Lisa wouldn’t set foot in a lounge or a bar. Not even if the alternative was to freeze.

Joe hoped she’d brought her jacket this time. He wasn’t up for a repeat of last night, and she wasn’t either. Just in case, he went back and grabbed her sweatshirt from the back of the chair where she’d dropped it when they’d returned earlier.

He went straight to the Skygazer Deck. Lisa wouldn’t have gone anywhere else.

Other than Lisa, the deck was deserted. But rather than sit in one of the lounge chairs, she sat on the cold deck itself, close to the railing.

Twilight with the glaciers in the background was a sight to behold. But Joe only had eyes for Lisa as she sat there looking alone, lost, and vulnerable. He could see the naked pain on her face as she continued to stare out at the water.

Joe knew Lisa almost as well as he knew himself, and he was willing to bet she didn’t see any of the breathtaking scenery. She was dwelling on him, them, and what had almost happened. What she wanted to happen.

She was trying to save their marriage. He knew her belief system, what she thought and felt. He wasn’t misreading her signals. But it couldn’t happen. As much as he loved her, as much as he wanted them to be together forever, he now understood they could never go back. He would always be broken. He had to get out of her life so she could start over.

As he stepped closer, Lisa shivered. Guilt sliced through him, and he was at her side in an instant. He touched her shoulder; her skin was like ice. He tugged the sweatshirt down over her head and helped her slip her arms into the sleeves. Then he helped her to her feet and pulled her close. She went into his arms willingly, and he didn’t think about anything but Lisa and helping her get warm.

In silence, she let him lead her to their cabin, and as they walked through the door, he was relieved that her teeth were no longer chattering.

He sat her on the bed and pulled off her shoes. After removing his, he sat next to her. Pulling her close, he lay back against the pillows and wrapped the blankets around them. She started to relax as the warmth took hold, and soon she was asleep. He pressed a kiss to her head, letting his lips linger a moment too long. Holding her in his arms was so right, so perfect. He closed his eyes, savoring the feel of her.

He’d hold her close tonight and memorize every detail of her so he could remember it forever.