17

 

“It was a wonderful day.” Lisa leaned against the wall in the elevator and sighed with exhaustion. Though she was tired, it was the good type of tired, like being at the beach or an amusement park all day. The hope she’d tried to suppress earlier was bigger than the lump choking her throat.

They’d been together. They didn’t see the whales. She’d been scared to death of the plane, but she learned something new about Joe, and he’d mentioned home. It was hard not to hope when Joe said we and home in the same breath and by the time they’d arrived back at the ship after touring the cute little fishing town, her hope grew ever more intense. Had he meant the home they used to share together? Or the office he slept in? She wanted to ask, but, of course, she didn’t.

“You enjoyed yourself even though you were up in the air in a bucket of bolts?” Joe threw her a smile and pressed the button for the Denali Deck. Her heart warmed at the sight. She smiled back, infused with a happy glow.

“The view from that sardine can was nothing next to learning about your children’s stories. I never knew.” A hint of a blush crept into his cheeks. She wouldn’t let his embarrassment stop her from giving him encouragement. “You should put them down on paper and send them to a publisher.”

“I don’t know, Lisa. Not having Cody to tell them to takes the joy out of it. I made them up for him.

“But you told the story to Brandon without any hesitation. Maybe over time, that joy will come back to you.” A look crossed his face that told her now wasn’t a good time to continue this conversation. “I’ve been dying to ask what you said to Chad.”

Joe shrugged. “I just talked to him about the other night at dinner. I told him that while it was really none of my business what he did with his son, I let him know how difficult it had been to listen to him talk to Brandon the way he did while you and I are grieving for Cody.” He looked at her, his eyes bright with what Lisa suspected were unshed tears.

“Brandon’s a bright, charming kid. I suggested that Chad cherish every moment he has with his son—nothing he didn’t already know. He’s still grieving his wife’s death. I just thought a reminder might be worthwhile.” Joe looked away and Lisa sensed he was losing the battle with the tears. Her suspicion was confirmed when she heard a muffled sniffle, so she didn’t press him for any more details.

When they stepped out of the elevator and headed toward their room, she caught sight of the solarium. Right now, it offered a unique view of Juneau in the evening. She soaked it in, determined never to forget the day they’d spent together.

Joe stood beside her as she took in the sight. “Cody would have loved this.”

He’d mentioned their son in such an easy manner.

“I’m not so sure,” Lisa said slowly. “He would have been sad about not seeing the whales.”

Beside her, Joe took a deep breath then slowly let it out. “You’re probably right.” He reached out and clasped her hand. “Are you feeling better about not seeing them?”

She looked down at their joined hands. “I’m doing better.” Even as she spoke, she tried to mean it.

“Like I said, we’ll see them before we go home.”

There they were again. Those two little words, packed with so much meaning. Some cynical part of her brain tried to tell her she was grasping at straws, but she didn’t believe it. God was smiling on them. He had to be.

“And another thing.” Joe interrupted her thoughts before she could think any more about it. “Cody would have loved exploring the ship like Brandon has.”

“I’m sure they would have been fast friends.”

“Cody always did make friends easily.”

Lisa nodded and forced the tears to stay put. She stayed quiet as she followed Joe down the hall to their room. Once inside, she walked to the closet.

“I have something to show you,” she called over her shoulder. She dug in her suitcase, searching for the wind chimes she’d bought in the gift store. When she finally found it, she unwrapped them to show Joe. “I bought them the other day. Right before I missed seeing the whales. They remind me of Cody.”

“They’re nice, Lisa.” Joe rose from the lumpy green chair and took them from her. Then he went over to the bunk beds and hung them on the bedframe near her pillow so she’d see them before she went to sleep and again when she woke up.

“Thank you, Joe.” She was pleased that he understood how important they were to her. She stretched out on Joe’s bunk instead of settling in one of the lumpy chairs as he’d done. She hoped he didn’t mind, but she didn’t have the energy to climb up the ladder right now.

“I’m sorry.” Joe startled her when he broke the long silence. “I shouldn’t have mentioned him.”

“Yes. You should. We need to talk about him. It’s part of how we heal.”

“I don’t deserve to heal.”

Lisa sucked in a breath. Joe blamed himself for not being there, even though she’d never heard him come right out and say it. Did he think the accident wouldn’t have happened if he’d been there? She’d always had the feeling that’s what he believed. She recognized the blame in his eyes—because the very same blame reflected in her heart.

She rolled over on her side and stared at her husband. “Yes, you do deserve to heal, Joe. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Yes, I did. I wasn’t there. I was never there.”

“You didn’t cause the accident.” She swallowed hard and sat up, unable to let him suffer any longer. This matter needed to be cleared up right now. Far too much time had passed without this conversation. Lisa only hoped Joe wouldn’t hate her afterward.

“I caused it.” Lisa’s hands trembled as she watched for Joe’s reaction. “It’s my fault. So stop torturing yourself.” Her voice rose to a pitch that made her cringe. Scared as she was of his reaction, she couldn’t let him blame himself any longer.

“I killed our son.” Her words hung in the air. She wished she could call them back, wished she could change the look of shock and hurt on Joe’s face.

“No, Lisa.” He rose from his chair and came to kneel in front of her.

“I put off telling you, because I didn’t want you to hate me. Then you stopped coming home, and the opportunity was lost. But now I see exactly how you’ve punished yourself, and I can’t let it continue. Joe, it wasn’t your fault. Hate me instead.”

“I could never hate you.” His tone was so gentle that hot tears swelled over, burning her eyes as they fell. “Is that why you’ve lost so much weight? Did you stop eating right because you blame yourself?”

Swiping at the tears, Lisa bit back her denial. They’d discussed this before, and she’d managed to skirt the issue. She didn’t want to rehash it now, but maybe she had no choice.

There were things that only she and God knew. Part of it did have to do with her not eating right, and maybe now was the time to tell Joe. But first, she needed to make Joe see that the blame lay at her feet. Not his, and not Rose’s husband.

“I know I should have told you this at the beginning. But I was so—devastated. At first, I didn’t realize you were blaming yourself. If I did, I would have told you right away. I never wanted you to suffer.” Her voice broke, and Joe reached out and stroked her arm.

Lisa should have taken comfort from the warmth of his contact, but she couldn’t. There was too much to tell him, and when she finished he really would hate her. Abruptly, she pulled away from Joe’s touch and, lying down, she rolled over to face the wall. She couldn’t look at him while she did this. It was hard enough to say without seeing recrimination in his eyes.

“Joe, I wasn’t paying attention that day. Yes, Rose’s husband ran the red light. There’s no question about that. But I was upset, and in a rush to get to the game. The instant the light turned green, I hit the gas.” She stopped and took a deep breath. “I hate myself.” The bitterness shocked her and drained her even further. There was so much more to tell him, she wasn’t sure where she’d get the strength.

“Lisa.” Joe spoke gently. “Don’t do this to yourself.”

The edge of the bed dipped and creaked as Joe sat on it. He touched her back, his fingers light and warm. Still, she continued to face the wall.

“I don’t hate you,” Joe said after a while. “I’m not so sure I hate myself, either. I thought I did, but…talking with God again…I just don’t think I do.”

“There’s more, though, Joe.” Lisa swallowed hard and wished she could call the words back. Joe remained silent, merely waiting for her to continue. Lisa was so scared of what his reaction would be after she told him, that she could hear the blood pounding through her veins.

She pressed her hand to abdomen. Telling him would be so hard. “It’s about that last weekend we spent together,” she whispered.

“Your birthday?”

“I should have told you, but when you stopped coming home—”

“I’m sorry, Lisa.”

Still facing the wall, Lisa nodded. “I am, too. If I had known, I would have taken better care of myself.” Tears burned her eyes and spilled down her face. Guilt churned deep within.

Behind her, Joe sucked in a sharp breath and pulled his hand from her back. “Lisa, were you…did we make a baby that weekend?”

Lisa bit her lip and tried to hold back the sobs, but they overcame her, and she couldn’t answer. Joe’s arms were around her then, his legs beside hers. He stretched out then pulled her close. Feelings swirled around her, and if not for the guilt, she would have reveled in them.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His gentle, concerned tone brushed against her heart, and she was warmed by the fact that it wasn’t accusatory.

“By the time I knew for sure, you’d already stopped coming home. I didn’t want it to be the reason you came back to me.”

“Aw, Lisa.” He gently turned her in his arms and pressed his forehead to hers. “You went through so much on your own. I’d give anything if I could take it all back.”

His broken whisper tore at her heart, and Lisa squeezed her eyes shut, unable to look at him. “Our baby died, Joe.” A lump of pain squeezed her throat making it difficult to speak. Still, she had to say it. “Because of me. Because I didn’t take care of myself.”

“Lisa, look at me.” His fingers brushed lightly against her cheeks before finding their way under her chin and tilting it up. Hesitantly, she opened her eyes even though tears continued to spill down her face.

There was no mistaking the love in Joe’s eyes as he gazed at her. Tears tracked down his face, too, and he made no move to hide them.

“It’s not your fault.” His voice was hoarse, broken. “Let’s stop blaming ourselves.”

Lisa pressed her face against his chest, and he tightened his hold on her, pulling her close as she let the pain flow from the depths of her soul. When she finished crying, she prayed silently and asked the Lord to lift the guilt from both their hearts.

Hours later, when Lisa woke, Joe slept softly beside her. A quiet peace lifted her soul, warming her heart. If Joe had been awake, she would have rejoiced out loud. This was the peace that vanished from her months ago—the peace she thought she’d lost forever. The peace that let her know the Lord was nearby and that filled up the dark empty spots in her soul.

Could it be because she’d blocked Him out by bottling up her guilt? She’d prayed for Joe, prayed for herself, prayed for peace. But until now, she’d never really given her feelings of guilt to the Lord.

Thank you, Lord. You really are here with me. You didn’t leave me after all.

As she lay in Joe’s arms, Lisa prayed he’d wake up with the same peace flowing through him that she basked in right now.

 

****

 

What was happening to him?

After all of the emotion of last night, Joe awoke the next morning feeling renewed and looking forward to the day in Skagway. The sound of the shower running came from inside the small bathroom. Lisa was getting ready for their day trip. He hoped she hadn’t changed her mind. Somehow, he didn’t think she had. In spite of the newfound knowledge that she’d suffered through a miscarriage alone, a sense of peace settled over him.

Thank you, Lord, for continuing to reach for me. I know I don’t deserve it.

Joe stopped praying for a moment so he could think about it. He didn’t deserve God’s peace. No one did. The good news was the Lord was a God of grace and mercy. He gave His peace freely to anyone who asked.

A deep cleansing breath left him humble and filled with thanksgiving. “I know I let Lisa down, Lord, and she suffered because I abandoned her. Forgive me. Please help me make it up to her.”

Something shifted inside him and Joe realized he wasn’t trying to push the joy away. His enormous burden of guilt had lifted and it felt so amazingly good.

Looking back over the last several days, Joe recalled his hopelessness when Lisa first arrived on the ship. God had sent her to him so he could find his way back. Back to the Lord, back to her. All he had to do was tell her. Then perhaps the two of them could begin to heal.

If it wasn’t too late, he wanted them to heal together, with the Lord firmly at the center of their lives.

 

****

 

The tour in Skagway would take an entire day, so Joe and Lisa departed the ship before breakfast. Instead, they ate on a sightseeing train as it took them up the mountains to the gold mines and nearby historic campgrounds. Joe was glad Lisa brought her camera along.

Brandon and his father were on the train, accompanied by Jessica, but they were seated several rows back.

Joe looked forward to panning for gold and, in spite of her red, puffy eyes, Lisa seemed to practically dance with excitement. It was then that Joe realized Lisa had been infused with the same sense of peace he had. Their healing had begun.

Did letting go of his guilt mean saying good-bye to his son? Should he use this time as a tribute to his Cody? Maybe he would make up one last story as his way of saying good-bye to his little boy.

The stray thought was unwelcome, and he quickly dismissed it. He was not ready to say good-bye to Cody. Not yet. Please God, not yet. It hurts way too much.

“Joe?” Lisa’s voice cut into his thoughts. “Are you all right?”

He nodded.

“We don’t have to do this, you know.”

“I know. I”—he swallowed hard as his voice broke—“I want to.” As hard as it would be to walk through the historic gold camps without his son, he still needed to do it.

Lisa smiled up at him, one of those smiles that never failed to pull at his heart. She wore a pale blue fleece jacket that highlighted the blue in her red-rimmed eyes. Unable to help himself, he planted a light kiss on her forehead. He wanted to continue down to her lips, but Jessica was staring at them from several seats back with a knowing look on her face. He tried to avoid her grandmotherly gaze and realized he didn’t really want to. He needed people in his life. He’d made a terrible mistake when he chose to isolate himself. He smiled at Jessica and this time the smile was genuine.

Perhaps there was hope for him after all.

 

****

 

Lisa could tell things had changed as much for Joe as they had for her. The longing in his eyes mirrored the longing in her heart. But something still seemed to bother him. The closer they drew to the gold mining camps, the more Joe appeared to grow pensive. He was probably thinking of Cody.

Be with him, Lord. Help this be a good day for him.

Afraid she’d be bored touring the gold mine camps, Lisa was happy to find she enjoyed herself. From time to time they came across Brandon and Chad—who were accompanied by Jessica. Brandon, in all of his little-boy-enthusiasm, kept trying to follow Lisa and Joe. But Jessica consistently managed to intervene, for which Lisa was grateful.

The surrounding mountains and woods were magnificent, the history lesson fascinating, and the way Joe kept muttering to himself as they wandered the site was positively intriguing. What was going on in that head of his? He seemed interested in their surroundings and it certainly appeared to take his mind off his troubles. He no longer seemed to be fighting to keep from letting down his guard.

The sites were either well-preserved and well-cared for or perfectly recreated. Not being a historian, Lisa wasn’t sure which. But it didn’t matter because she loved it.

Joe did, too, apparently. Looking quite pleased with himself and still muttering, he hovered over everything for excruciatingly long periods. Still, he was smiling and that was all Lisa cared about.

She loved him. And he loved her.

Even though he had yet to commit to it, it was only a matter of time before Joe was back where he belonged.

After the tour of the gold mines, they ate lunch at a rustic old log-hewn inn. It was part of the tour package, along with a hike in the woods and fishing at the lake.

Brandon managed to coerce his father and Jessica into joining Lisa and Joe for lunch, but he knew about the lake—and the fishing poles—at the end of the trail and grew antsier by the minute.

“It’s time to go on the hike, Miss Lisa.” Brandon practically jumped out of his chair, potato chip crumbs falling from his shirt and spotting his chin.

Lisa instinctively reached for a napkin to brush them away as she’d done so many times for Cody. “Brandon, honey, I’m going to skip the hike today. But you go along with your dad and Miss Jessica. You’ll have fun, I promise. You might even catch a big fish.”

She turned to Joe. “Is it okay if we skip the hike?” She held her breath, waiting for his answer, praying it would be a yes.

He nodded, but there was a hint of a promise in his eyes. Hope spread across Lisa’s chest and she couldn’t help but smile.

The inn was warm and toasty and she planned to suggest they use the time together to write down some of his stories. The morning at the mines and camps might have given him some new ideas they could brainstorm.

Excited about this new side of Joe, Lisa wanted to help him develop his ideas as much as possible.

“Can we stay with you, Miss Lisa?” The pleading in Brandon’s eyes tugged at her and she hesitated, torn between wanting to be alone with Joe and not wanting to disappoint this sweet boy.

Jessica glanced at Lisa and raised one eyebrow. Then she turned to Brandon. “Sweetheart, I think Lisa and Joe need some time together.”

A pout clouded Brandon’s usual sunny disposition.

“I’m sure they’ll be happy to sit with you on the train on the way back,” Jessica said.

“We will, Brandon,” Lisa said. “I promise. But right now, Joe and I are just going to talk. You’ll be bored if you stayed here with us. Hiking with Jessica and your dad will be a lot more fun.”

“No it won’t. It’ll be boring with them, too.”

“Actually, I don’t think it will.” Jessica pressed her lips into a secretive smile and lowered her lashes. “Unless you count fishing as boring.”

“Fishing? Really?” The corners of Brandon’s lips turned up, and he no longer sounded upset. “Can we, Dad? Can we?”

Lisa breathed a sigh of relief then smiled at Jessica in thanks. Jessica winked at her in return. Clearly, Brandon didn’t remember his previous declaration about not liking fish. Maybe there was a difference between catching fish and eating them, at least in a little boy’s mind.

After the small group departed with their guides, the couple who ran the inn, Millie and Paul, was most accommodating and seemed happy to host Lisa and Joe for the afternoon.

Millie, a sweet-natured woman with a round face and snow white hair, helped them get settled in a spacious room that had a fireplace on each end. While they made themselves at home on an overstuffed leather couch, Millie brought them hot chocolate and a plate of cookies. Lisa smiled as Joe dug into the cookies, happy to see him enjoy something. So far this day had been truly blessed in that area.

When Joe had devoured the last of the cookies, Lisa pulled his laptop out of her backpack.

“Are you kidding?” Joe stared at the laptop. “You’ve been carrying that thing around all day?”

“It’s not that heavy. Besides, I figured you might come up with a new story idea while we were at the gold camp. This way you could write it down so you won’t forget it.”

“Wow, Lisa. I don’t know what to say.”

“Say yes.”

“Yes.”

Then he shocked her by leaning over and kissing her on the forehead. When he leaned back in his chair, his smile was wide, and his brown eyes sparkled. Warm and toasty, Lisa was quite certain it had nothing to do with the fireplace.