“Feels So Right, Yet Seems So Wrong”: When Flirtexting is Cheating

“I can text multiple girls the same thing at the same time. Example, I can text 5 girls on a Wednesday the following: ‘I was just thinking about how ridiculously good looking you are and decided I have to hang out with you this weekend—I’ll do anything.’ If only two of them are free, then I’m good to go Friday and Sat! ”

—Lane

Whether you’re in an exclusive relationship or just dating around, you must be aware that flirtexting with other boys can create trouble in paradise. If you’re in a committed relationship, any sort of playful text exchanges with boys other than your boyfriend is grounds for infidelity and will be held against you in the court of break-up. Whether you were only kidding around or serious, flirtexting others while in a relationship can be hurtful, especially if exposed unwillingly.

You single girls don’t get off so easily. Even though you are single and flirtexting with many suitors, there are still guidelines to be followed if you’re in the presence of other PBFs. There’s truth to every text. Below you will find the guidelines for what constitutes texting as cheating according to your dating status.

Out on a fourth date with Alex when you receive a text from Justin saying, “Hey hot stuff. Where u been? I believe I still owe you a drink ... ” Even though you like Alex and are totally into him, the flirt in you can’t resist and you text Justin back an hour later with, “I believe you do. I’ll let you know when I become thirsty!” and then continue your date with Alex.

If you’re single and dating . . .

You’re a flirt who loves having adoration coming from several boys, especially when it’s in the presence of one boy without the other knowing. It’s a contradicting feeling. It feels so right yet seems so wrong. After receiving Justin’s text you instantly get a cocky little grin on your face that puts this air of confidence around you, which you wear quite well the rest of the night. Something about being with one boy while texting another gives you a small rush that you love. And being that you’re not tied down in a relationship you’re pretty much a free agent who can trade up at any time. You’ve got a few boys vying for your attention and you’re running with it. And, may we say, yay you.

The private and instant nature that texting allows makes it so easy to flirt with tons of boys at the same time, it’s a crime not to. As serial flirts, admittedly this is one of the features we like most about flirtexting. It’s an easy way to keep dibs on all your PBFs within a finger’s distance. However, let us be quick to remind you, it’s also very possible that any of these boys you’re flirtexting could be flirtexting other girls as well. Enjoy it and take it for what it’s worth: harmless fun that creates a little excitement.

Boys deep down know that single girls have several guys they’re talking to at once (because they do the same with several girls). They may know it, but they certainly don’t want to hear it or actually see it. So be mindful of a few flirtextiquette rules if the occasion occurs while on a date:

Rules of the Two-time Text While Out on a Date:

Don’t leave your phone in plain view while on a date. Even though you’re on a date with Jon but expecting a text from Jake, ensure your phone is placed in your bag and not on the table in plain view. Blinking red lights, vibrating sounds, and seeing messages pop up is distracting and will signal to your date that you’ve got better things to do than be there with him. Also, if you’re not expecting a text from anyone, Murphy’s Law will ensure when you’re out on a date that other guy you liked will finally text you. Boys have a sixth sense and when you’re out with another guy somehow feel the urge to contact you that very moment. It happens all too often, so play it cool and stow the cell.

Don’t check your phone in front of your date more than once. Unless you’re ready to explain why you need to check your phone, don’t do it. Boys will call you out on this and have you explain why you’re not devoting all your attention to them. If you don’t want to be confronted, check your phone when he’s not around. It is understood you’re going to check your phone once during the date. Checking your phone incessantly displays disinterest. If you’re really into a guy you’ll refrain from checking your phone until after the date.

Don’t text in plain sight and assume he doesn’t know who you’re texting. If he sees you texting he will assume you’re texting another guy. It’s just how his mind works. But then again, we would probably guess the same if roles were reversed. It’s hurtful and can be uncomfortable to do this in plain sight. In general, if you’re going to flirtext other boys while around your date please be sure to do so discreetly. While he’s away in the restroom or grabbing your coat, these are open invitations to text another boy on the sly.

If you’re having a sleepover with a boy, ensure your phone is turned off. If he’s sleeping over and in the middle of the night your phone buzzes off the hook with texts, expect the boy in your bed to shy away shortly thereafter. Boys don’t want to hear your phone buzzing at 2 A.M. They know it’s not your mom. Checking your phone at night signals you’re not interested and have needs to be entertained by someone else. It’s courteous to check your phone in the morning. Most likely, you both will be doing the same thing.

If you’re in a committed relationship . . .

Flirtexting other boys while you’re in a committed relationship is not a light matter. Be it with an old boyfriend who you still keep in contact with or someone new, flirty banter over text is not cool. Text is the written word, so if anything, it is more real than if you say it to their face because it’s traceable! Hello, text messages have forwarding capabilities so BEWARE!

If your current beau finds out you’ve been flirtexting with another guy, his feelings are going to get hurt. Use your best judgment and think through the consequences when responding to these texts. If you don’t feel comfortable with your BF reading them, then you shouldn’t be texting in the first place. Better to be safe than sorry.

texting tell-all

If you are in a committed relationship

Our friend Jessica and her boyfriend had been living together and were on the verge of getting married. They became friendly with another couple in their building, Ann and Chuck. Jessica especially became quite friendly with Chuck. A secret crush quickly grew between them and they began acting on this through covert texts. Before they knew it, these flirtexts described fantasies of being together. One day Jessica accidentally left her cell phone at home. Her boyfriend heard it buzzing and went to check her message. The message was a flirtext from Chuck saying “I want you now! Tell me again when can I have you?” Spotted: a heartbroken boyfriend who just caught his girlfriend red-handed. Update: Jessica is currently single.

Below are the boys who probably still text you even though you are in a relationship and tips on how to handle it:

Flirtexting an Old Boyfriend

Look, we know that you once had feelings for your old BF, and it feels good when he texts you out of the blue. However, getting in touch every once in a while is very different than text messaging every other day. After all, this is an ex-boyfriend whom you once had feelings for. Even if these flirtexts are platonic it will still be very hurtful if your current boyfriend finds out. Using the silent treatment in this situation is universally known as a way to get out of verbally stating the obvious: that you’re “with someone.” He should take the hint and stop texting you. If he doesn’t, then text him: “gonna have to call it quits with the flirtexting for now. The new Boyfriend might get jealous. I’ll alert you and the press if things change.”

Flirtexting with Guy Friends Whom You May Have Hooked Up With

These are the guys that fill up your little black book and who you probably flirtexted with before you were in a committed relationship. They come in and out of your life and check in every now and then. They could be aware that you have a boyfriend but that doesn’t stop them from going after some attention from you via text. If they know you have a boyfriend and are still pursuing you, it’s not cool and their attempts should be shot down. If they don’t realize the degree of how “off-limits” you really are, make it clear and text: “Sorry bud, you’re a few months too late. I’m a taken girl now.”

Flirtexting with a Guy Best Friend

This is tricky territory, as he is considered one of your friends, right? Boyfriends in general don’t feel comfortable having you be so chummy and flirty with another straight guy. Even the most secure guy will still be on edge if this is the case. They know how their own minds work and assume this guy friend has more than “friends” on his mind, which they may not be completely off on. They may tell you they are cool with your close friendship with this person, but they still look at him as a potential threat to your relationship. We advise you take your boyfriend’s feelings into consideration when sending flirtexts to your guy best friend. Even though he is your “friend” and sending suggestive flirtatious texts to one another is what you’ve always done, its still grounds for jealousy and accusations of cheating. It’s best to keep your responses light and clean to avoid any problems. To set the record straight, try texting: “You know I love you but we’ve got to take a time-out with these flirtexts. I’m not in the market for a jealous boyfriend. We can open up the floor again if this one doesn’t work out;)” Your best friend should understand because he wants what’s best for you and therefore will respect your relationship with your boyfriend. And your boyfriend will continue to keep his mouth shut about your close relationship with another guy.

FLIRTING: The harmless act of being affectionate toward someone in order to make them feel good about themselves, without necessarily having an emotional commitment to them. You could just be a friendly girl who chats throughout the day with the coffee barista, your coworker, your professor in your favorite class, you get the idea. This kind of flirting is acceptable and welcome. However, there is a difference between harmless flirtexting, and pure, outright, hitting on someone over text. Be aware of the difference and act accordingly depending on your relationship status.