When I woke up, I was dead. At least, it very much appeared that way.
I looked past my kidney-shaped desk and ergonomic office chair, and there laid a body that could only be described as me. The dark black hair I had just shampooed that morning was strewn over my face. I spotted that trifecta of grey hairs I never could color fully next to my ear. Plus, the blue pencil skirt I bought on sale at the Nordstrom’s Rack outlet was bunched around my knees. Kind of a dead giveaway.
“Oh God, my first after-life pun,” I said aloud.
Of course, no one turned to respond to me. My boss, the oh-so-sweet geeky guy with the desk adjacent to mine, and the first responder paramedics didn’t so much as look my way. My blouse was ripped open as they worked on my body, and one of my breasts had popped out of the miracle bra. My nipple looked around like an unblinking, brown eye on too much coffee.
I winced and regretted that no one had shooed the men away yet. The bobbing areola waggled this way and that. Out of my peripheral vision, I spotted several coworkers snapping pictures. Sighing, I covered my eyes in embarrassment.
“Yeah, this might take a while,” said a small voice next to my feet.
I looked down to find a Siamese cat sitting with its tail wrapped around its feet. Its posture was one aloof elegance. The cat gazed up at me with blue eyes and an expression that seemed a little annoyed. She looked the way all cats looked most of the time, like they were infinitely exacerbated with everyone.
“You can see me?” I asked.
“A talking cat just approached the specter of your dying soul, and you ask if I can see you?”
I paused a moment. It seemed like a legitimate question when no one else noticed my ghostly presence, so I stuck with it.
“Well, yes.”
“I’m looking at you, aren’t I?” the cat asked.
I nodded, confused.
“Then I can see you, moron.”
My face screwed into a frown. Not only did this mystery cat’s voice sound like a female, but she sounded like a real bitch. Everything was getting just a tad too surreal, but I still found room in my mind to be pissed off.
“Okay, then what are you? Some ghost cat because I’m obviously dead,” I said in a tone that matched her own.
“Yeah, okay, not to get too technical, but you’re mostly dead, Danielle,” she said with a lazy flip of her tail.
“Then what are you, and why are you here?”
The cat yawned and stretched in a fluid motion of disregard. She shut her eyes and scratched the back of one ear with a sudden obsessive need. Just as sudden as the need came, it went, and she turned her blue gaze back up to mine.
“I’m here because I’m like your spirit animal or something.”
“You are my spirit animal?” I asked.
“Yeah sure, why not?”
If a cat could shrug, she did. I crossed my arms over my chest, but she didn’t flinch. After pausing to check in to see how the paramedics were doing with my body, I turned back to the cat. This was all too weird, and I didn’t know how to feel.
“Are you here to take me to Heaven? Is there a Heaven?” I asked.
“My Lord, who are you and who are your parents? Were you born in a barn and then raised by Shetland ponies? A talking cat says they are your spirit animal and all manners run out the door? I have a name you know. Care to ask what it is?”
The cat stuck a leg out and started gnawing on her toe. She smacked and chewed on each toe in turn. I winced a little with every chomp. I couldn’t help it. The stench of cat breath wafted up to my nose.
“Sorry. What is your name?” I asked.
“G-g-guddin’,” said the cat with her mouth full of toe.
“Pardon?”
The Siamese spit out a bit of toenail and sneezed. She licked her lips and rubbed her nose with her paw.
“Pudding.”
I stared at her for a moment without knowing what to say. My face must have been a mask of disbelief. Hers remained unchanged from general feline scorn. Why was it that cats always seemed just tad annoyed by everyone else’s existence in the world?
“You are telling me that my afterlife spirit animal is a bitchy Siamese cat named Pudding?”
Pudding appeared unmoved. The sarcasm and insult rolled off her back.
“Hey, don’t blame me. I am merely the physical manifestation of your own psychic energy. Seems to me that makes you the indifferent bitch.”
I sighed and nodded. My whole being was tired of this craziness. I was ready to surrender.
“Okay, psychic manifestation, Pudding the cat, what’s next? Is it Heaven or Hell for me?”
The cat scoffed and rolled her eyes.
“Neither, if it wasn’t obvious. Like I said before, you are only mostly dead. It is up to you to decide what happens afterwards. I am just a guide.”
“We are losing her,” called someone next to us.
The two paramedics began working more feverishly than before. I frowned at the stillness of my mostly dead body. Was I about to be completely dead? Was I really going to die on the cheap carpet of Schrodinger Capital?
“Looks like I don’t have much time,” I said softly.
Pudding sniffed and with the ease and agility of her species, she rubbed herself along the arms of the paramedics while stepping over my body. Everything began to hum. The cat moved throughout the office, unnoticed by the masses. Every being that Pudding touched slowed to a crawl. Vibrations infected our tableau as it all slowed to a stop. Pudding worked her way to the others, and they too froze in time. Nothing stirred but us. Not even the clocks continued to tick. The world as I had known it wobbled in stillness.
“There. Now we have plenty of time,” she said.
“How did you do that?”
“It’s just the way things are. Best not to ask. Your primitive mind won’t get it. Now, come on. We have to get going.”
Pudding walked over to me and nudged me to turn.
“What do you mean? Where are we going?” I asked.
“You have to decide. We have to go now.”
I turned to see a bright, swirling light at my feet. It was blinding and inviting at the same time. I felt like I ought to turn away from it for fear of the damage it might do to my retinas, but there was no looking away. It was just beautiful.
There was a sudden sense of dropping, like when you’re at an amusement park and the roller coasters dips. We were falling in a bright tunnel. Just when I felt my stomach lurched into my throat, the sensation ended, and a floor was again beneath my feet.