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I SNAP MY FINGERS. “I got it! We give her a harem.”
“I just said we aren’t doing that,” Rose says.
"That was before you heard my genius plan," I say.
They stare at me, waiting. I wait for them to ask about my genius plan.
Bob coughs in the silence—well, not silence, because Safety Dance is still playing.
"Well?" Dean says finally.
"Thank you for asking," I say. "Rose, go to the bar and mix a fancy, magical looking drink. Julian, you pretend to spell it, make it look glowy and shit and smell like pumpkin spice. Then, you go give it to her and tell her you give in. It's a spell to bring her a harem."
"What about when she realizes it's a trick?" Julian says.
"That's the clever part! Amber, shift into a hot dude, you know, a panty soaking dude who's all abs and flowing hair and giant cock—"
"This is my mate you’re talking to," Wes growls.
I ignore his over protectiveness. "Amber, you shift into a hot dude and go up there and pretend to be in love with her. Say she's pretty or some shit. When she's distracted, Dean shuts off the music and I'll beat her ass with a dildo. Well...I don't actually have a dildo. Do you guys have a stash upstairs?" I look to Dean. Finn, and Sebastian.
Rose eyes them, hiding a small smile that flashed quickly. "Well, do you boys?" She asks. The guys' faces immediately look uncomfortable.
"I mean.. What? No. Of course not." Sebastian stutters. "What's the right answer?"
"No." Dean and Finn say in unison.
"Fine! Then Wim, me, and the vampires will beat her ass with, I don't know, what do people normally use in fights?"
"Fists, Sapphire," Finn says, annoyed. "You know that."
"Really? That sounds so uncivilized. Dildos are elegant weapons from a more civilized age."
Amber snorts.
"Amber isn't going up there alone," Wes says.
"Why not? She can turn into a dragon or a giant dude or a troll or any number of scary bad-ass shapes," I say.
"She is kick-ass," Chase says with a smile.
"For honey's sake, it's too dangerous. I'll go up there and...urgh...pretend to be in love with the witch too."
Amber frowns but doesn’t argue.
"Bob, Ford, and Chase,” Julian adds, “you search the club for a semi-sober witch who can break the door spell.”
"Hooray, goooo team!" I shout. No one joins in with the cheer. Am I the only one with a sense of team work here?
Bob, still riding Ford—I'm really liking that phrase—and Chase slip into the crowd of dancers. Well, Chase slips into the crowd of dancers, Ford saunters like a fancy show horse and Bob on his back is two meters taller than everyone else.
He was amazing when he took the lead and saved Amber. I'd have to show him just how awesome later...blow job style.
While Rose and Julian head for the bar, Dean. Finn, Sebastian, Wim in wolf form, and I make our way around the edge of the club. We take up position across from the DJ booth, watching Aquamarine.
It's too bad I didn't bring my battle dildos, those were probably all she needed to chill the fuck out.
Next to me, the vamps tense as Rose and Julian stroll up to Aquamarine in the DJ booth. Julian is carrying a tall glass that glows orange and spews smoke like a cock that comes too fast and early.
Finn clenches his fists. Sebastian takes a step forward as though he can't stop himself. I hum the Safety Dance. This song never gets old.
Aqua's face lights up as she takes the glass from Julian. The poor woman, thinking she can't gain love and acceptance without a spell.
As she gulps the liquid, Julian and Rose back away and her vamp men relax.
Wes and a tall man made of tattoos and muscle step up to the DJ booth and stare up at Aqua. I can't hear them from so far away, but she blushes. She leans over the booth toward the men. The new guy—Amber makes a handsome man—squeezes her hand and gestures to the dance floor.
She smiles and hurries down the booth's stairs.
That poor witch. Horniness makes you do dumb shit.
"Go, go, go," Dean yells and dashes toward Aqua with his brothers on his heels. I leap onto Wim's back and he bounds across the club in his great long strides. Daaammmnnnn, I'll never get over how hot he is when he’s being bad-ass. I knot my hands in his fur and he leaps, soaring through the air to land on the DJ console.
The Safety Dance screeches to a stop as his massive paws hit all the buttons. The club falls oddly quiet.
The dancers look around, confused.
"Put the music back on," someone shouts.
I lean toward the console to flick through the computer's playlist. "Perfect."
"Closing Time" blasts through the club just as Aquamarine screams.
I glance down. Dean, Finn, and Sebastian have her surrounded with their vamp claws and fangs out. From here in the DJ booth, Wim and I have a clear view of the entire club and spot Bob and Pegasus Ford near the doors with a woman with red hair and a tight, short dress.
The baker from across the street from the cafe? She always had the best donuts and apparently was responsible for the awesome bad vibes that brought Wim and me to Jewels Cafe in the first place.
She leans toward the door with Chase watching closely, his arms crossed like a bouncer standing guard. A moment later, the doors burst open.
"Get out," Bob yells as he and Ford gallop around the edge of the club, herding drunk dancers toward the doors. "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!"
Soon Vee is empty except Amber—now in her usual form—Rose, me, and our harems, the baker witch, and the horny witch.
"Break the spell on Reg and Randal, now," Dean growls at Aqua. "And turn off that song," he snaps at me.
I reach over and turn the volume up louder. Hmm...I scroll through the playlist on the laptop. Maybe this moment of reckoning needs something different, something more solemn.
I tap the touch screen and “I’m Sexy and I Know It” plays.
Dean groans. "Whhhyyy?"
Bob sways and bounces up and down on Ford's back while Ford nods his horse head.
"Never mind the song," Rose says. She turns to Aqua. "Why did you do this? This isn't the way to find true love."
Minivera scoffs. "Why not? Do you think these love spells you're under are real love?"
"Yes," Amber snaps.
"Maybe it's not true love," Aqua says, "but what is? At least it's something."
"I know a good dildo shop," I call to her.
"The Magical Rooster," she says with a grin.
"You know it! Have you tried the new—"
"We don't need to hear this," Finn says.
I glance at the playlist. He'll pay for interrupting me.
"It's a good shop," Aqua says. "But it's not enough. Not anymore. Not with everyone else happy and in love...why can't I have the same?"
"Because you're nuts," Chase says and Amber hushes him.
"Awww, it's okay," Bob says from Ford's back. "You'll find someone special without magic. I'm sure you will."
"Why are you being nice to her?" Dean says.
Bob blinks. "Why wouldn't I?"
Ford snorts and stomps a hoof. I'm not sure if that's in agreement with Bob or Dean.
"Did you help her with this plan?" Amber demands, glaring at Minerva.
“Of course not!” Minerva scowls. “I don’t even know her.”
“That’s not what Julian said,” Amber glares at her. “I know you’re friends. So just admit you helped her.”
“I come in every Monday to buy cookies for the staff at the shelter.” Aqua rolls her eyes. “Doesn’t make us friends.”
“Exactly.” Minerva glares at her and storms out of the club.
Finn rounds on Aqua "Break the spell on Reg and Randal or I'll make you pay."
She nods sadly. "I was never going to keep them anyway. I just needed their help to find my own harem." She walks over to the two spelled men and mutters some words.
They shudder and blink and glance around the empty club.
"The fuck?" Reg says.
"We'll explain later," Sebastian says.
Aqua turns to Julian. "Why can't you give me a real spelled drink anyway?"
“I don’t know how the magic works. We threw out all the spelled pumpkin spice, so that’s not it. And it doesn’t work on everyone, just a select few.” Julian shrugs. “We think maybe it has a mind of its own.”
“It’s so unfair.” Aqua pouts.
"Stay with us and dance," Bob says brightly. "We can't give you a harem, but we can be friends."
Finn groans and Wes shoots him a skeptical look, but sweet Bob ignores both.
Now that that's settled, time to get my vengeance on Finn for interrupting me. I tap Safety Dance on the playlist and it blares from the club's speakers. "No reason we can't keep partying!"
Wim leaps down from the booth with me on his back. He lands on the dance floor and rears up on his hind legs, shifting back to human, so that now I'm standing behind him, gripping his hair.
"Quick, take control of the music," he yells.
"Traitor!" I say and yank his hair hard.
"Ahhhh," he says.
Dean runs for the console. "Turn that damn song off!"
Rose laughs and grabs Sebastian to start dancing, which makes Dean pause and smile a little, his hand falling away from the DJ console.
We Safety Dance, one last time, and this time with Reg and Randal free from a spell—but refusing to join in. I guess they won't dance and if they won't dance, well, they're no friends of mine.
Randal takes to the booth and spins fresh songs and we dance the night away, the entire dance floor to ourselves, just me and my harem, Amber and her’s, Rose and her vamps, and Aqua, still alone but maybe less lonely.
I’ve got to say, it’s not a bad new year.