As great as Easter services can be for the church, they are particularly exhausting for the staff. So when a sweet couple came up to me one year prior to Easter and offered a relaxing getaway for me and my family the Monday after Easter, I was thrilled. My mind was racing with what that might be: a resort on the beach? A cabin in the mountains? I was not expecting their answer: A trip to Disneyland.
To be perfectly honest, I was grateful but at the same time I dreaded it. The crowds, the heat, and the pressure to accomplish everything—it sounded like another Easter service. It was at this point they said, “Now, I know what you’re thinking.” I thought, I’m not sure you do. They continued, “We want to give you a VIP tour.” Then I thought, I know my way around Disneyland. I’ve been there a few times and I can read the map. But they said, “A VIP tour gets you to the front of the line of every ride you want to take.”
“Tell me more,” I said. “The VIP tour provides you with a tour guide who is basically your human FastPass. They take you to the front of every line. The only problem is this will ruin you on Disneyland.” I said, “I’m okay with that!”
When I told our kids, they were ecstatic. So was my wife. And to be honest, so was I.
The thought of being led through the park and escorted to the front of every line seemed like a dream. Finally we would be those people we used to despise, the ones who walked past us with their FastPasses or fancy wristbands—the ones who “knew someone” or had “special privileges.” We were about to be the VIPs!
The day after Easter, we made the hour-long drive down to Disneyland. We followed the instructions we’d been given and walked up to the VIP meeting spot. Sure enough, there was a young man with a very official vest and name badge waiting for us.
“Are you the Georges?” he asked. “Yes, we are.” “Great! I’m Andrew, and I will be your human FastPass. I’ll get you to the front of every line.” It was at this point that my oldest daughter, Lindsey, pulled out a sheet of paper. She said, “This is a list of rides we would like to ride today.” He took a quick glance at it, folded it up, put it in his pocket, and said, “We’ll get to them.” I was laughing to myself about my daughter’s need to control the situation. “Relax,” I said to her, “we’re in good hands.”
But as we entered the park, I realized something I’d never experienced before—someone else had all of our tickets. He scanned them, ushered us in, and put them in his pocket. This was so foreign to me because I’ve always held the tickets. The tickets are used not only to get into the park but also to reserve spots on the rides, so I am always afraid if I don’t hold onto them someone will lose their ticket.
Even scarier was the first moment I realized I wasn’t in charge. Usually I lead our family through the park on a mission. “Run to Space Mountain!” “Eat while in line!” “You can go to the bathroom when we leave!” After all, you have to maximize every moment. I call it leadership. My family has other terms for it.
But as we followed Andrew into the park, I was beginning to panic. Apparently my daughter wasn’t the only one with control issues. (More on this later.)
Three Things that Define Control Freaks
I’ve been told the reasons we control freaks struggle are simple. They boil down to three main issues.
First, everything I do must be perfect
This can look like endless Post-it Notes, to-do lists, project management, and micromanaging as well. Control freaks stay up all night stressing about how things will get done and what others will think about it. It takes us thirty minutes to post something on social media as we double- and triple-check grammar and wittiness. If I’ve been given a task, then I must knock it out of the park. It must be the best thing anyone has ever seen. Because if for some reason I don’t get glowing reviews it will be seen as a complete failure.
I will feel this after giving a message at times. I’ll stand in the lobby and hear people say the kindest things: “Great job!” “You’re so good.” “That was such a blessing.” But in my mind I’m thinking, Why don’t others say that? They say that every week, so it doesn’t count. Or If they said this message was my best, does that mean the others weren’t any good?
Contrary to popular belief, control freaks can also be procrastinators. Our fear of not being perfect can cause us not to even get in the game. “If I can’t be perfect, then I won’t even try.” Or worse, “I’ll self-sabotage so even you will stop believing in me.” I’ve seen this in marriages, where a spouse continues with an addictive behavior for fear of not being able to stay sober. Might as well jump off the bridge with both feet and at least be right about one thing—I can’t do anything right.
Second, everyone else must be perfect
It’s not enough for me to put this pressure on myself; I’m going to hold you to a ridiculous standard as well. In fact, often my frustration with your imperfection is just my frustration with myself projected onto you. Because of this you must always be on time, you must always be accurate. You must never make a mistake, you must always say the right thing, and you must always live up to the standard in my mind.
This is why we control freaks have some tense moments in marriage. One person thinks, I have expectations for what you should do for my birthday, Christmas, our anniversary. But I’ll never tell you. You need to guess. And if you get it right, then I’ll come up with another expectation.
I knew I had this issue when my wife threw me a surprise party for my thirtieth birthday. The lights came on, people yelled “SURPRISE!” and in about five seconds I had done roll call in my head and had a list of who wasn’t there and how the party would be even better if they had been. How could my wife have missed that? Sure, she invited my best friend from college and he and his family had driven three hours to be there, but didn’t she know there was a U2 concert that night and several of my friends were at the concert so they couldn’t attend? How exhausting this must be for everyone in our life. They keep trying to jump over a bar we keep raising.
Third, conditions must always be perfect
Most of us control freaks, or perfectionists, believe that the conditions must be perfect as well as everyone playing a role in them. When my wife and I were dating, I’d work hard for the perfect meal in the perfect restaurant with the perfect ambiance. Surely this would make for an evening only seen in movies.
But it was inevitable. Something would always go wrong. The food wouldn’t be great, or the server would forget to light our candle. One of my pet peeves is no background music. If there’s no music, there’s no mood. Silence becomes deafening. Every moment must be like a Cary Grant movie. Violins aren’t necessary, but there must be music.
Now that we are married with kids and have shared twenty-plus years of life together, you’d think I’d be over trying to make every situation perfect, but not so much. Sometimes I’ll make it home before my wife and see the evidence of what looks like a hectic day. The kids have left out breakfast dishes, the dogs have strung out their toys, and the couch cushions are displaced. (I know, some of you are thinking, I’m just happy if the dishes, toys, dogs, and cushions are in the house, but for some of us less sane, these can be an issue.)
So I get it in my mind that I’ll clean up all these things and create the perfect relaxing scenario. I straighten the cushions, pick up the toys, clean up the kitchen, and do the dishes and put them away. Then I put on her favorite music, light the candles, and start dinner. In my mind, I envision my wife saying, “Wow! This place looks amazing! You are the greatest!” She will look around, commenting on everything I have done with elaborate praise and thanks.
I know, probably too much to ask. What typically happens is the garage door opens and the kids run in, throwing backpacks on the floor and lunch boxes on the counter. My wife stumbles in, harried and frustrated from the traffic. And the words I hear are “Will you get the groceries out of the car?” I might be exaggerating, but you can see how my perfect scenario overlooked the human element. No one was allowed to be real.
The Impact of a Control Freak
Living with this mentality of perfection is exhausting. No one can keep up with it. It’s like they are asked to play a part in a movie they’ve never seen and are not given a script. Then they’re judged on their performance. It can make people hate to be around us. It can make us hate to be around others. It can even make us hate to be around ourselves.
The fallout is real. Perhaps you have kids who are scared of you and exhausted by you. They can’t keep up with your changing expectations and high demands. Maybe you have a spouse who feels their only defense is to retreat. They stay at the office longer and get involved in more activities, and have given up on keeping up with your idea of what life should be.
The frustrating thing about all this is that this mentality also creeps into our pursuit of being Christlike. We read about the fruit of the Spirit and think, How is that possible? How am I to add love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control, gentleness, and faithfulness to my already overwhelming to-do list?
Our solution is to perfect ourselves by perfecting others and optimizing our conditions. Surely the right setting will create joy and peace in me. And if you would act more like I want you to, then I would be more patient and kind. But in this attempt to solve everyone’s problems, we miss out on two critical pieces that enable us to experience the fruit of the Spirit in our lives.
The Holy Spirit’s presence
Paul tells us: “If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit” (Galatians 5:25 ESV).
Often we are so consumed with all that we need to do to be loving, joyful, and peaceful that we forget the very Spirit of God is standing next to us waiting for us to ask for help. My guess is you’ve already heard that. We often hear too that to see the fruit of the Spirit in our lives we need to surrender to the Holy Spirit. But what we forget is what He uses to help us come to a place of surrender.
The Holy Spirit’s power through community
Look how Paul continues: “Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another” (Galatians 5:26 ESV).
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
Galatians 6:9–10 NIV
How can we become kind or good or loving if we aren’t around others to be kind, good, and loving toward? How can we demonstrate kindness, gentleness, and self-control if we don’t have other people challenging and testing our commitment to display these qualities?
The process of growing spiritual fruit is fortunately not dependent upon perfection: how perfect we are, how perfect the community of people around us is, or how perfect circumstances are. All that’s needed is the Holy Spirit’s power working in us through our interactions with others.
Fortunately Jesus models this for us.
Jesus Shows Us the Value of Imperfect Community
At one of the most celebrated and sacred moments of our faith, we have a beautiful picture of community. On the night before Jesus was crucified, He had a meal with His closest friends. We refer to this as the Last Supper or the Lord’s Supper. To them, it was the Passover.
This was the most holy event on the Jewish calendar and it was also the most communal. Everything would have to be perfect. For Jesus, this was the night he’d been looking forward to for some time, His chance to tell the disciples more about who He was. It would also be their last time to eat together before the crucifixion—a night He knew they would never forget. The scene would be a memorable setting for the disciples long after He was gone. (Not to mention be the subject of one of the most famous paintings of all time.)
Have you ever had a meal you wanted to be perfect? I remember one Thanksgiving when I volunteered to roast the turkey. I had seen Bobby Flay pull it off on Food Network and it looked pretty easy, so I was quite confident. What I wasn’t prepared for was all the prep. My major mistake was not in the temperature or the basting or even the time in the oven. My mistake was revealed when I chose to slice this succulent bird in front of all the guests only to discover I had failed to remove the bag containing the innards that was neatly packed in the cavity of the turkey. Bobby Flay didn’t mention this.
Not everything works out perfectly. But if there should be any meal where it did, it should have been the Last Supper. But it wasn’t.
First, there was no servant available to wash their feet.
Though this is unheard of today, it was customary back then. Everyone wore sandals and walked on dirt roads, so their feet were dirty. When they came inside for a meal, they needed to clean their feet. Especially for this meal, when they would be reclining around a table. Their feet would be close to the food they were going to eat. So when a foot washer didn’t show up, it was a big deal.
But Jesus uses the occasion to teach His disciples about serving one another. What a great lesson it was in how facing problems is better together. Rather than focusing on who is NOT there, focus on who is. Jesus stepped up and became the servant. He wrapped a towel around His waist and went around to each person, washing his dirty feet. I have to imagine, if the disciples were anything like us, they were sitting there complaining about how there was no one there to wash their feet. Jesus leveraged a negative into a positive experience.
Second, there was a traitor at the table.
Jesus was having one of the most spiritual meals with his closest friends, and yet things weren’t perfect. Not everyone was singing “Kumbaya.”1 It’s believed that Judas had joined the band of disciples to be part of the overthrow of Rome. This would guarantee a position for him in the new kingdom established by Jesus. The problem was, as time went on, he could see Jesus was more concerned with a spiritual kingdom than an earthly one. Some think Judas turned Jesus in to the authorities to force His hand, to get Him to bring in a new world order. Judas may not have wanted Jesus’ death, just His attention.
We don’t know all of his motives, but we know one: Judas was motivated by money. He served as treasurer for the disciples and paid the bills. Once, when a woman poured out an expensive jar of perfume on Jesus, it was Judas who objected and said, in effect, “What is she doing? That could have been sold . . .” (cue everyone staring at him) “. . . and given to the poor, of course.” This was the guy at the table with Jesus. Hardly perfect.
Third, Jesus had to reprimand someone.
Have you ever had your perfect dinner messed up by having to discipline one of your kids? Jesus had to speak some tough truth to one of His own at this final meal. Peter had just declared his undying devotion, and Jesus had to break the news to him that he’d deny knowing Him.
Peter displayed a wide range of emotions during this meal. When Jesus came to wash his feet, Peter said, “I can’t let you do this!” To which Jesus responded, “If I don’t, you have no part of me.” “Oh, well, in that case, wash my feet and my head.” Again Jesus corrects him, “Uh, you don’t need a bath.” Later, when Jesus explains what Judas is about to do, Peter reacts with “I’ll never do that.” Again, Jesus brings it back to reality with “You are actually going to deny me three times.” Peter was just as shocked as any of us would be.
This important meal was far from perfect. The conditions weren’t perfect, and other than Jesus, the participants weren’t perfect, yet we are still talking about it today because it’s at this table we see Jesus modeling love and gentleness for His disciples. He has joy and peace even though the cross is in sight. He is patient and faithful with God’s plan for His suffering. He is kind, good, and self-controlled even to those who are about to betray and deny Him.
In a strange and powerful way this one meal teaches all of us control freaks and perfectionists that we really are better together (and nothing is perfect).
How to Find Good in the Less Than Perfect
Leverage others’ gifts
While many of us perfectionists view emotional people as problems to avoid, Jesus sees more in Peter than just high drama. He sees his passion as a gifting that will help launch His church. This passion will not only protect his own skin but will also make him passionate to seek God’s forgiveness. Peter’s passion will give him the moxie to preach a sermon to a hostile crowd and tell them to REPENT . . . for they have just killed the Son of God.
Adding passionate people into our lives will do more than smooth out our rough edges or teach us a lesson. We can help them harness that passion or energy for something good with long-lasting benefits. Some of the best parents I know have figured out a way to parent each child toward their gifts rather than toward their own plan.
Acknowledge the imperfections
For me, the shocking thing about Judas’s betrayal is not the betrayal itself but the fact that Jesus knew it was coming and still welcomed him at His table of friends. In fact, when Judas was exposed, Jesus said, “What you’re about to do, do quickly.” He doesn’t appear to be trying to head it off or change his mind. I guess this shouldn’t be shocking for us. Jesus’ table was always populated by the imperfect. The Pharisees criticized Him for “eating with tax collectors and other sinners” (Mark 2:16).
Jesus models for us that everyone is welcome at His table. Do you think the disciples talked about Judas later? “How could Jesus have allowed him to be there? How long did He know? When did He discover what was going on? Was He ever going to expose him?” Jesus knew that allowing the imperfect at His table would be a lesson for all of us for years to come.
You see this often with parents who have kids with addictions. What will they allow? How will they set up boundaries? How will they still parent the other kids while not allowing the addict to dominate every meal, conversation, vacation, and weekend? It can get complicated.
Find a plan B
Perfectionists tend to view others as spectators to their potential failure. But shifting your perspective to see people around you as opportunities to serve can make all the difference. The absence of a foot washer could have been an opportunity to point fingers and cast blame, but Jesus used it as a chance to model servanthood.
When I think about it, most of the reasons I melt down when faced with imperfections have to do with how I think other people will view me. “How will this make me look? What will they think of me?” Instead, imperfections can be a great way to find another plan.
This weekend was far from what we planned, but how can we work together to come up with a great solution?
I didn’t get the promotion, but maybe I could encourage the one who did.
This vacation was less than perfect. But how could I have made it great for someone else?
Let’s return to our Disneyland VIP tour. As we walked through the gates I was struggling to process everything. Someone is in charge and it is not me. Our guide Andrew led us to a ride we’d never tried before. I said, “We always start with Cars.” He said, “We’ll get there.” We rode the ride, and it was great. Then I said, “We’d like to ride Tower of Terror.” He said, “We’ll get to that.” We rode another ride. It was fine. I said, “How about Space Mountain?” He said, “We’ll get to that.” For the next three hours we walked to the front of the line of every ride. Not always the rides I wanted to ride, but everyone but me was having fun. Why couldn’t I enjoy this? Conditions were perfect . . . except for the fact that I wasn’t in control. We were not executing my game plan.
Finally something happened that I was actually excited about. My wife looked at me and said, “I can’t find my phone.” Why was I excited about this? Because finding her phone was my new mission. I was useful again. I told our tour guide about her phone being lost. He replied, “Let me make a few calls. I’ll bet we can track it down.”
I looked at him with determination and said, “I have an app on my phone that allows me to track the missing phone.” I was a man on a mission, and more important, the man in charge. As I raced through the park, following the dot on my phone, I could see the phone’s location bouncing all over the place, but I was honing in.
Just as I thought I was getting close, my phone rang. I answered, curious. “Rusty?” “Uh . . . Yes.” “This is Andrew, your tour guide.” “Yes?” He said, “We found your wife’s phone. I made a couple of calls and a cast member found it and is taking it to the front of the park.” Then he added with just a touch of frustration, “Why don’t you meet us at It’s a Small World and enjoy the rest of the day?”
I knew he was right. I needed to surrender control if I wanted to enjoy the day. I went back to the rest of my family and to Andrew with a different attitude. And guess what? I had a great time. Maybe together in community IS better.
Discussion Questions