NEITHER of them spoke on the way back to Judith’s house. Kieran held Judith’s hand very tightly, as if she were a mirage and he was afraid she’d vanish. Judith returned the pressure of his hand. The journey seemed to take for ever—but then the taxi stopped, Kieran handed the cabbie a note and told him to keep the change, and Judith closed the front door behind them.
At once Kieran pulled her into his arms and kissed her. This time, Judith vowed silently, there would be no interruptions. Nothing and nobody would stop them doing what they’d both wanted to do for days.
She tugged the hem of his T-shirt from the waistband of his jeans and slid her palms against his back, loving the firm muscular feel of his body. In return, Kieran unbuttoned her shirt, caressing her skin as he uncovered it.
And then he stopped.
‘What?’ Jude mumbled, in a voice she barely recognised as her own, it was so thick with desire.
He rubbed his cheek against hers. ‘I’m rushing you.’
‘No. I want this, too.’
‘We’re barely inside your house,’ he pointed out.
She shrugged. ‘OK, we’ll be civilised. My bed’s upstairs.’
He sounded embarrassed. ‘There’s one other thing. I wasn’t actually planning to drag you here and seduce you today.’
He was having second thoughts? Shame flooded through her. They were barely inside her house and she was standing there with her shirt open to the waist. He must think she was a tart.
As if he’d guessed her thoughts, he kissed the corner of her mouth. ‘What I mean is I wasn’t taking it for granted that we’d make love today. I’m not prepared. I don’t have anything with me.’
She relaxed again. ‘No need. I’m on the Pill.’ She swallowed hard. ‘Not that I sleep around. My GP prescribed it because my periods used to be horrendous.’
He pulled back to look into her eyes. ‘You didn’t need to explain that. I know you’re not the type to sleep around. Neither am I.’ His eyes were very dark, very intense. ‘So it’s your call. Would you rather I beat the world land speed record to your local chemist?’
And wait while he bought condoms? ‘I can think of better ways to spontaneously combust,’ she said huskily.
He smiled. ‘Together.’
She nodded, and held out her hand. He took it, and let her lead him upstairs. Judith closed her curtains, and Kieran switched on the bedside light.
‘I want to see you,’ he said softly.
Her mouth went dry.
Slowly, very slowly, he finished unbuttoning her shirt and slid the soft cotton from her shoulders, pushing her bra straps down at the same time. ‘You’re so beautiful, Jude,’ he told her, his voice husky. ‘I want to touch you, taste you.’ His mouth traced the line of her clavicle from her right shoulder. He pushed his tongue into the tiny dip at the centre, then kissed all the way along to her left shoulder. He breathed in her scent. ‘Mmm. Vanilla. I love your perfume. And your skin’s the colour of pure vanilla ice cream.’ His head dipped a little further, and then he’d pushed the cup of her bra down until he’d bared her left breast. He traced the edge of her areola with his tongue and she shivered, arching against him.
‘I want to touch you, too. Taste you,’ she murmured.
He straightened up. ‘Pirate wenches aren’t supposed to make demands,’ he informed her, his eyes glinting.
‘Maybe I’m not a pirate’s wench. Maybe I’m a pirate myself.’
‘Prove it,’ he challenged.
‘Hands up,’ she ordered, lifting her chin.
He shrugged, and did as she’d demanded. She pulled his T-shirt over his head, then undid the top button of his jeans and took a step backwards. ‘Mind-blowing,’ she breathed.
‘You’re very, very good for my ego, Jude,’ he told her with a grin. And then his smile faded, replaced by pure yearning. ‘Come here,’ he said softly.
She went into his arms. Matched him kiss for kiss. And when they landed on her bed, skin to skin, she had no idea who’d taken off which piece of clothing or even when. All she was aware of was Kieran. His clean, lemony scent, the softness of his skin against hers, the roughness of the hair on his chest, the feel of his muscular thighs between hers.
‘I want you,’ she breathed, tilting her pelvis against him. ‘Now.’
‘Patience,’ he said.
‘Kieran, don’t tease,’ she begged.
He kissed her. ‘I’m not. I just wanted to see your hair spread over my pillow. Well, your pillow,’ he amended, playing with her hair. ‘Like this.’
‘Tease,’ she grumbled.
He grinned. ‘That’s what pirates do.’
‘What?’
‘Whatever they please.’
‘And would it please you to please me?’
‘Jude, you talk too much,’ he informed her. She was about to protest, but then he entered her—and she couldn’t even think any more, let alone talk.
Some time later, she lay on her side, curled into Kieran. Her legs were tangled with his, her cheek rested on his shoulder, and her arm curved across his waist. He held her close, with his cheek resting against her hair.
‘I could stay like this for ever,’ she whispered.
‘Me, too.’
And then her stomach rumbled loudly. Kieran chuckled and dropped a kiss on her hair. ‘I know you normally live on take-aways, Jude, but can I assume that you do actually have some food in the house?’
‘Yes. Why?’
‘Stay here. I’ll make us some lunch.’ He kissed the tip of her nose and climbed out of bed. ‘I had planned to take you to a romantic riverside restaurant. But no way are you leaving that bed for the rest of the afternoon.’
‘Back in pirate king mode?’ she teased.
He winked as he pulled his jockey shorts on. ‘Something like that.’
Judith stared at him in shock. He was actually proposing to go downstairs dressed in only a pair of grey marl jockey shorts? OK, so he was wearing more than you’d see men wearing on a beach or at the swimming pool, but even so…
Her doubts must have been written all over his face, because he chuckled. ‘I’ll try not to shock your neighbours. But I’m not intending to spend very long in your kitchen.’
And he didn’t. It seemed only seconds before he returned carrying a glass, a bottle of sparkling mineral water and a platter of fruit.
‘The eggs in your fridge are past sell-by date, or I would have made you an omelette,’ he said. ‘So your choice is this or this.’
He’d cored and sliced most of the contents of her fruit bowl and her fridge, by the look of it. Peaches, apples, bananas and fresh strawberries.
‘This is lovely.’
‘Next time,’ he said, ‘I’ll go shopping first and cook you something properly.’
‘So there is going to be a next time?’
He frowned. ‘Why? Didn’t you think there would be?’
Oh, no. She’d spoken aloud. ‘Me and my big mouth,’ she muttered.
He brushed a kiss across it. ‘Perfect mouth, actually.’ He held the fruit platter just out of her reach. ‘And I’ll eat all this by myself unless you explain that remark.’
‘The thrill of the chase,’ she said.
He frowned. ‘I’m still not with you.’
She sighed. ‘OK. I told you I’ve got lousy judgement. And as you know, when I was at med school, I got this reputation for being an ice maiden. Unobtainable. Add to that the fact that I’m Professor Powell’s daughter…and there you have a challenge. A target. A scalp ripe for collecting.’
He fed her a slice of peach. ‘Has it ever occurred to you that you’re so beautiful most men wouldn’t think they have a snowflake in hell’s chance with you?’
She swallowed the fruit. ‘No.’
‘Well. Think about it. I nearly didn’t ask because of that reason. I thought you just had to be spoken for. And then I discovered that you weren’t.’ He fed her another piece of fruit. ‘So I asked you out. And you turned me down.’
‘You know why. Because I got my wires well and truly crossed.’
‘Yes.’
‘And I’ve already apologised for that.’ She slid a piece of banana into his mouth. ‘I told you, I have lousy judgement. I get the good guys wrong as well as the bad.’ She sighed. ‘So I’ve always dated the wrong kind of man. The ones who wanted the thrill of the chase, who loved proving to themselves that they could conquer any woman. And as soon as they hooked me, they dumped me.’
He selected a strawberry and brushed it against her lips until she took a bite. ‘That doesn’t work for me. It wasn’t the thrill of the chase that drew me to you. It was just you. And it doesn’t matter whose daughter you are either. I want you for yourself.’ He ate the other half of the strawberry. ‘Just so we’re clear on that.’
She picked up a slice of apple. ‘It’s not surprising I thought you were spoken for. Just look at yourself. You’re a consultant, with a degree from Cambridge, nice manners and a sense of humour—and you look like a pirate king, all dark and dangerous and sexy. Everything a woman could wish for. So how come you weren’t snapped up years ago?’
‘Major personality flaw,’ he said lightly, filching a slice of peach.
Judith scoffed. ‘I don’t buy that for a second. The mums adore you, the dads all want to be you, you’ve got the midwives eating out of your hand and the maternity department’s getting rather more visits than usual from the female staff on other wards. Don’t you think one of them would have spotted this supposed huge flaw by now?’
He didn’t answer.
‘Kieran? I’m serious. I told you why I’m single.’
‘Was,’ he corrected.
‘Whatever.’ She brushed that aside for now. ‘So what’s your excuse?’
‘Maybe I spent too much time on my studies.’
She shook her head. ‘That’s my line. Anyway, you read medicine at Cambridge. And you’re almost too young to be a consultant. QED, you’re bright.’
‘I still had to study, put my career first.’
‘I still don’t buy it.’
He was silent for a long, long time. Judith felt a flicker of panic low in her abdomen when she saw his face. It was as if he was struggling with himself, trying to decide if he could tell her something or not. Had she pushed him too far? Was he going to walk away from her right now?
Then he sighed. ‘All right. I’ll tell you something now that I’ve never told anyone else—even Tess.’
‘And I promise I’ll respect your confidence,’ she said solemnly.
‘Thank you.’ Again, he paused for a long time, as if he wasn’t sure where to start, or how to get the words out. ‘My dad wasn’t a very nice man. I adored him when I was little—he always used to play football with me and wrestle with me and taught me to ride a bike, all the things that small boys love. Then I started noticing that my mum cried a lot. I’m not entirely sure why and I haven’t wanted to hurt her by asking, but I think he hit her. I know he messed about with other women—I heard the rows. I used to put my head under the blankets but I could still hear them arguing at night when they thought I was asleep. I heard her asking him why she wasn’t enough for him and why he wanted other women all the time, then begging him not to leave her. But in the end he left us and went off with another woman. Someone who had older children. So he didn’t need either of us any more.’
Judith threaded her fingers through his. ‘I’m sorry. That’s a lot to cope with when you’re a child.’ Her fingers tightened against his. ‘And if I’d had any idea, I would never, ever have accused you of cheating on your wife.’
‘No. I don’t suppose you would.’ He took a deep breath. ‘Anyway, Mum eventually met Martyn. He’s a good man—he’s made her happy and he’s been a good stepfather to me. He even gave me his name. But I’m not Martyn’s natural son. I know I’ve got bad blood in my veins. Blood I don’t want to pass on. Which is why, in the past, I’ve always walked away before things got too serious.’ He looked away from her. ‘I suppose that’s what you might call the thrill of the chase.’
She shook her head. ‘That’s completely different. The thrill of the chase—that’s all about bolstering your ego and dropping someone because you’ve found another challenge. What you’re doing is something else. You’re running scared.’
‘I probably am.’ He looked at her without smiling. ‘I saw how my father treated my mother. How it ate away at her confidence until she was a wreck. And I never, ever want to do that to anyone.’
‘You won’t. If you were the sort to hurt people, regardless, you wouldn’t worry about hurting them in the first place.’
‘You’re ignoring the genetics,’ he said tightly. ‘My mother picked a man who cheated on her and lied. So did my sister.’
‘That’s just coincidence.’
‘You’re not listening to me, Jude. What I’m saying is, no matter how I was brought up, I’m still my father’s son.’
She frowned. ‘I can’t imagine you ever hitting anyone.’
‘No?’ He disentangled his fingers from hers. ‘I thought about it. When Tess told me about Aidan and I realised that he was putting her through exactly what our mother went through…’ he grimaced ‘…I wanted to spread him across the whole of London.’
‘You were being protective of your baby sister, and that’s understandable. The point is, you might have wanted to hit Aidan, but you didn’t actually do it.’
Kieran toyed with a piece of fruit. ‘You teased me about being a pirate king. But supposing that’s what I am, Jude? Supposing that deep down inside I’m like my father—I’ll just take what I want and not care who I hurt in the process?’
‘I don’t think you are.’
‘But you don’t know it for sure, Jude. I don’t know it either.’ He sighed. ‘I never knew my father’s parents so I don’t know about my grandfather—but I once heard Mum talking to my aunt. She said my dad’s younger brother was exactly the same as him. Cheated on his wife and had heavy fists. He hit his kids as well as his wife. So it runs in the family.’ A muscle flickered in Kieran’s jaw. ‘I suppose I should be grateful that my dad spared me.’
‘He didn’t spare you,’ Judith said softly. ‘Physically, yes, but mentally he hurt you.’ She knew she was on dangerous ground, but she couldn’t leave it now. Not when Kieran had just bared his soul to her. ‘Forgive me asking, but was it your choice not to see him?’
‘Yes.’ He shook his head. ‘All right. No. It wasn’t at first. He just vanished, until after Mum had met Martyn. Then he suddenly wanted to see me. I’d had enough birthdays and Christmases without even a card from him to know that I couldn’t rely on him. I didn’t even expect him to turn up that first time. But he did and we went to the zoo. Then he started talking about Mum, and I guessed what was going on. He wanted her back. Not because he wanted her, but because he didn’t want anyone else to have her either.’ Kieran shrugged. ‘After the second or third visit—and more and more pressure on me to try and get Mum back for him—I told Mum I didn’t want to go out with Dad again.’
‘And you’ve never seen him since?’
‘A couple of times. When I graduated. He was waiting for me outside the college. He wanted to go for a drink with me. Proud father wanting to make a fuss of his doctor son. It was a bit awkward but it was bearable. I thought perhaps he’d changed. Maybe we could salvage some of the mess from the past—maybe we could even be friends.’
‘And?’ she prompted softly.
‘I saw him a couple of times more in London when I was doing my year as a house officer. Then he made a pass at my girlfriend.’
‘She turned him down, and it wasn’t that serious between us anyway. But he was the same old Dad—wanted to prove he could pull any woman he chose, and he didn’t care whether or not she was involved with someone else, let alone care about the woman he was supposed to be with at the time. It wasn’t about hurting me, it was about making himself feel good. And I didn’t want to face the fact that my father was a pathetic, lecherous old man—I didn’t want to see what I could turn into.’
‘So you haven’t seen him since?’
‘No. And I made sure from then on that none of my relationships were serious. Don’t get me wrong—I’ve never been promiscuous. But right from the start I’ve always made it clear that I’m looking for fun, not for for ever. And I’ve always walked away before things got too deep. Before anyone got hurt.’
‘Is that a warning?’
‘I don’t know.’ He gave her a half-smile. ‘Actually, if you want the truth, this whole thing between us scares me stupid. The way I feel about you…I’ve never felt like this about anyone else before. I admit I thought that maybe after we’d made love it would be better, that once I’d got the physical thing out of the way I’d be able to think straight again.’
The thrill of the chase, in other words? Judith flinched inwardly.
‘But it hasn’t worked. If anything, it’s made things a lot harder. Because now I know what it’s like to hold you, to touch you, to kiss you…I want to be with you all the time. So maybe I ought to walk away now. Not because I don’t want you—because I do.’
She couldn’t follow his logic. ‘That doesn’t make sense.’
‘I don’t want to hurt you, Jude.’
‘And you think that it won’t hurt me if you walk away?’
‘Maybe now, but not as much as if I stay. As I said, there’s bad blood in me.’
How could he possibly believe that? She frowned. ‘There’s a lot of good blood in you, Kieran. Look at what you do for a living—you bring new lives into the world, help people. And what about the way you’re looking after Tess?’
‘I’ve made a mess of that, haven’t I? I failed to notice that she’s got postnatal depression. Worse than that, even though I know about it now, I haven’t been able to talk her into doing anything about it.’ His eyes were bleak. ‘What kind of a man does that make me?’
‘We’ve already been through why you didn’t pick it up: because you’re so close to the situation it’s difficult to look at things objectively. And I can tell you what sort of man you are, Kieran Bailey. A good man. A man who cares.’
‘You said yourself, you have lousy judgement.’
‘And I’ve already misjudged you once. Therefore, I’m right now.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘So why haven’t I sorted Tess’s problems for her?’
‘Because you’re her big brother. You’ve probably bossed her about since she was a toddler, so she’s used to tuning you out and she just isn’t hearing what you’re saying.’
‘Maybe.’
‘There’s no maybe about it. You’re not your father, Kieran.’
‘And you’re willing to take that risk?’
She cupped his face in her hands. ‘I am, if you are. Because you’re not going to hurt me, Kieran. You’re not going to lie to me, cheat on me, or make me “the other woman”.’
‘We’re lying now—about us. To Tess.’
‘With good reason. And when she’s had treatment for her depression, her view of the world will be different. She’ll be able to cope with the idea of sharing you—and she’ll be on better terms with your mum and Martyn. She won’t feel alone.’ She stroked his face and dropped her hands again. ‘Your call. Am I worth the risk?’
‘Of course you are. I’m just not sure that I am.’
‘I’m sure,’ she said softly. ‘I trust you. And maybe I can teach you to trust yourself.’