SHE looked so beautiful when she was asleep, Kieran thought. Actually, no. Judith Powell was beautiful all the time. But here, asleep in his arms…this was special. Private. Just the two of them.
And scary.
He’d had bared his soul to her. Told her things he’d never told another living soul. Told her how scared he was that deep inside he was bad news, like his father and his uncle. That he didn’t do permanent. And instead of asking him to leave, or being nice about it but cooling off rapidly, Jude had simply held him. Loved him. She’d accepted him, complications and all. She understood that Tess had to be his first priority. She’d even been the one to suggest they should keep their relationship secret until Tess was ready to cope again.
But the fear that prickled down his spine wouldn’t go away. Because Jude had also admitted that her judgement in men was terrible. That she always fell for the love-’em-and-leave-’em type. That the last man she’d dated had been cheating on his wife, and she’d been the last to know.
So, logically, if she thought he’d be good for her, the reverse was true.
They’d both got carried away with the moment. And he’d got more than carried away with the idea of romancing her. For her sake, he should walk away. Now. Before he hurt her.
The problem was, he loved her. Loved everything about her. Her sense of the ridiculous, the teasing smile that was never far from her lips, the passion in her eyes when they made love. He loved her hair, the softness of her skin, her voice.
Heart and body and soul, Kieran loved her. He stroked her hair and she nestled closer, murmuring in her sleep. ‘I love you, Jude,’ he whispered. ‘But I’m not good for you.’ He’d wanted her so much that he’d ignored the warnings of his conscience. And now he had to face up to what he’d done. Had to do the right thing.
Somehow, he had to find a way to end it without hurting her too much.
Even though it would be like ripping his soul away.
An hour later, he kissed her awake. ‘I have to go now,’ he said softly.
‘Hmm?’ She pulled him closer. ‘Five more minutes,’ she mumbled.
He nuzzled her cheek. ‘Jude. I really do have to go.’
Her eyes opened then. They looked almost navy with sleep, like a newborn baby’s. And she was as trusting as a baby. How easily he could hurt her.
For her own good, he had to stop this.
Maybe tomorrow. Just let them have one more day together.
‘Is it really that late?’ she whispered.
He nodded.
She kissed him lightly. ‘Thank you for today.’
‘It wasn’t quite what I’d planned.’ A romantic date. Kissing her at the top of the London Eye. Holding her hand on the boat down the river. Walking in a scented garden. Things that could make him forget who he really was.
Instead, he’d dragged her back to her own house. Spent the day in bed with her. Taking his pleasure instead of cherishing her as she deserved.
‘I dunno. I thought it worked out rather nicely.’ She rubbed the tip of her nose against his. ‘My pirate king.’
The king of selfishness. He had nothing to offer her. So he shouldn’t have even started this. ‘Hey.’ He forced a smile to his face. ‘If I don’t get out of this bed now, I never will.’
‘Now, that’s a tempting offer.’ She smiled back, and stroked his face. ‘But we can’t snatch any more time today. I know that. So I’m not going to make demands.’
He should feel relieved. He knew that. So why did he feel like such a louse as he climbed out of her bed? Why did he feel as if he was letting Jude down?
She lay back against the pillows and watched him dress. ‘Call me tonight?’
‘Sure.’ He couldn’t resist stealing another kiss. Even though he knew he was going to pay dearly for it later. Later, when he’d found the words to explain.
Except he couldn’t. When he called her, later that evening, she sang to him. ‘Rainy Days and Mondays’. ‘Except they don’t make me miserable. After today, Monday’s my favourite day of the week,’ she said.
‘Mine, too.’ The words were out before he could stop them and he cursed silently. He was supposed to be finding a way of cooling things down, not making them worse by virtually telling her he was head over heels in love with her! He had to start being logical and stop romancing her. Starting now. ‘Um, Jude, I’ve been thinking. I probably can’t get away with another late evening this week.’
‘Maybe not for just the two of us, but there’s Lulu’s birthday—we’re all going to the Kashmir for a curry after work.’ She paused. ‘Ask Tess to come along with us. If she doesn’t want to leave Charlie, I’m sure he’ll have a fine time being cuddled by everyone. You know what maternity staff are like where babies are concerned.’
And although he and Jude wouldn’t be alone—wouldn’t even be able to acknowledge each other as more than friends—they would at least be together. He could engineer sitting next to her. ‘I’ll ask her.’
‘Just in case she’s worried she won’t fit in with a bunch of medics, you can tell her we need her help. We have to smuggle the Clooney cut-out from Lulu’s office to the Kashmir.’
‘Don’t tell me you made it this evening?’
‘No. But Tess was at art college, right?’
‘Ye-es.’
‘So she’ll know where to get the card from. And how to get the photograph in the right proportions. And it might…’ Judith’s voice faded, as if she wasn’t sure how to say the next bit tactfully.
But Kieran had already followed her line of thought. ‘It might give her a purpose, something else to think about, which would help with the depression, if we ask for her help.’ Trust Jude to think of that.
‘Yes. Um, look, I’m not trying to interfere.’
‘I know—and I appreciate it. You’re just better than I am at seeing things where my baby sister is concerned. I’ll ask her.’
‘I’ll see you tomorrow, then.’
‘Yes.’
‘I wish I could kiss you goodnight,’ she said. ‘Properly. Like this afternoon.’
Tell her. Tell her now. Tell her it has to stop. But his heart wasn’t listening to his head. ‘Me, too.’
‘Kieran?’
‘Yes?’
‘I know it’s too soon. That you’re not ready to take a risk. But I—’ She paused. ‘I like you. I like you a lot.’
His heart contracted when he realised she’d changed her original L-word—to one she thought he might be able to accept. ‘Me, too.’ More than like. He loved her. Which was why he ought to end it.
But, God help him, he couldn’t. He couldn’t go back to being detached and lonely and everybody’s friend but not having someone who really loved him. Someone he could love back.
And Judith was everything he’d ever wanted.
‘I love you,’ he whispered, when she’d cut the connection and there was a safe buzz in his ear.
The next day, they were back to being cool, calm, professional colleagues. Nobody in the maternity department would ever have guessed that the previous day their consultant had kissed Judith until she’d been dizzy, made love with her and had told her his deepest, darkest secrets. Kieran treated her just the same as he did everyone else in the team—until she was due for her lunch-break.
‘Quick confab in my office first, Jude?’ he asked.
‘Sure. Do I need any notes?’
Kieran glanced at Louise, then nodded at the pile on the desk. ‘Yes. Third one down.’
‘Right.’
The moment they were in his office, he drew the blinds and locked the door, then put his finger to his lips. ‘I don’t need the notes,’ he whispered.
‘So what did you want to see me about?’ she whispered back. Her heart had speeded up a notch. Was he planning to kiss her?
‘Lulu’s birthday.’
No. Of course he wasn’t going to kiss her. Inside the hospital, it was work only. They’d already agreed that. Judith tried to smother her disappointment and hoped it didn’t show on her face.
‘Tess says we need featherboard—it’s like two bits of cardboard sandwiching some foam stuff in the middle. She also says that blowing up a photograph could contravene copyright.’
‘But it’s only for a bit of fun.’ Judith sighed. ‘OK, so maybe it isn’t going to work.’
‘She says she can fix it. And that if it’s raining on Thursday night, it’ll get soggy, so she’s doing something different for the Kashmir.’
‘She’s coming with us?’
‘I think so.’
Judith smiled. ‘Brilliant.’
‘All credit where it’s due. To you.’ Kieran took the notes from her hands and placed them on his desk. ‘So I owe you something on account.’ He took her hands and walked her backwards to his chair. Then he sat down and pulled her onto his lap.
‘Kieran, we agreed…’
‘I know. But it’s driving me crazy, being close to you all day and not being able to touch you. So…’ He tipped his head back, offering her his mouth.
She couldn’t resist the plea in those dark, dark eyes. She leaned forward and kissed him.
Was this his way of telling her that he was learning to trust? She hoped so. And she hoped that her kiss told him everything she was holding back from saying.
He broke the kiss and traced the outline of her face with his forefinger. ‘I’d better let you go before people start to talk. If anyone asks, tell them what Tess is doing.’
‘Except Lulu, of course.’
‘Except Lulu.’ He kissed the tip of her nose. ‘Now go. While I can still let you leave.’
To Judith’s relief, nobody commented that her eyes were sparkling just that little bit more brightly than normal. And when she told Margot and Daisy about their cardboard cutout plan—and that Kieran was organising it—they accepted her excuse for being in his office with the blinds drawn and the door shut.
It was shaping up to be their quietest day in months when Judith took the call from Holly. ‘I’ll be right down,’ she said.
Kieran was doing an antenatal clinic so she knew she couldn’t ask his advice. She was going to have to stand on her own two feet for once. She patted her pocket to check that her obstetric handbook was to hand, then headed for the emergency department.
‘Petunia Barnes, aged thirty-seven, first baby, twenty weeks. Severe abdominal pain, though it doesn’t fit the pattern of appendicitis. The portable ultrasound’s on the way,’ Holly said. ‘It’s bedlam in here today—we’ve got three off with a bug—so can I leave you to it?’
‘Sure.’ Judith took a deep breath and hoped she looked more confident than she felt, then introduced herself to her patient.
‘Can you tell me where it hurts?’ she asked.
Petunia nodded. ‘My tummy.’ Her eyes were wide with fear. ‘Is my baby going to be all right?’
‘Try to relax,’ Judith said, holding Petunia’s hand. ‘As soon as I know what’s causing the pain, I’ll be able to tell you a lot more. Is there anyone we can call for you?’
Petunia shook her head. ‘My husband’s at work and they’re funny about people taking time off. I just need to know if my baby’s all right.’
‘The scanner’s on its way,’ Judith told her. ‘Have you noticed any blood at all?’
‘No.’
That didn’t completely rule out a placental abruption. Sometimes there was a delay before any bleeding appeared.
‘Any pain apart from your tummy?’
‘No, but I’ve been feeling a bit funny. I was sick this morning. I thought it was a bug until my stomach started hurting.’
Judith checked Petunia’s notes. She had a slight temperature. Petunia also looked more than twenty weeks pregnant. Twins? Or something else?
‘Would you mind if I examined you?’ Judith asked.
Petunia shook her head. ‘Just make the pain stop. Make it be all right.’ She winced as Judith palpated her stomach. ‘That hurts.’
‘I’m sorry. Have you had any knocks to the stomach lately?’
‘Nothing. My husband fusses about everything—he’d wrap me in cotton wool if he could. But this hurts.’
‘OK. I’ll go and chase up that scanner, and we’ll see what’s going on.’
To Judith’s relief, the scanner had arrived.
‘Have you had an ultrasound before?’ she asked.
Petunia shook her head. ‘I missed the first one. I’m booked in for Friday.’
‘All right. What I’m going to do is put some jelly on your stomach, then put the scanning head across your tummy. It’s not going to hurt the baby at all—it’ll just bounce back sound waves, and the jelly helps to amplify the waves so we get a better picture. Here we go.’ She turned the screen so Petunia could see it. ‘Say hello to your baby.’
‘It’s all right?’
‘The heart’s beating normally—that’s the dark area here—and here’s the bladder. This dark area here’s your placenta.’ It looked fine—no sign of an abruption or any hidden bleeding. And then Judith saw a mass in the body of the uterus.
‘Does it hurt here?’ she asked, gently palpating Petunia’s abdomen around the area of the mass.
‘Yes.’
‘Has anyone in your family ever had fibroids?’
Petunia nodded. ‘My sister.’
‘That’s what’s causing your pain,’ Judith said.
‘Often they don’t—but they can cause backache, heavy or painful periods, and painful sex. I take it, as your sister has them, you know a fibroid is a benign tumour of muscular and fibrous tissue?’
Petunia nodded.
‘They tend to grow bigger during pregnancy.’ Fibroids were also more common in women of Afro-Caribbean descent, like Petunia, and in women aged over thirty-five. ‘What’s happened here is that the fibroid grew so quickly that it needed more blood supply than it could get. So the tissue in the centre of the fibroid died, and it’s started bleeding in the middle. It’s what we call “red degeneration” because the fibroid will look red.’
‘Is it going to hurt my baby?’
‘Fibroids can cause miscarriage, yes,’ Judith said, ‘but generally they tend to rise away from the pelvis, so it shouldn’t cause you a problem in labour.’
‘Will you have to take it out?’
‘We’ll need to do something about it after you’ve had the baby, but it doesn’t necessarily mean an operation. We can do keyhole surgery on fibroids nowadays—we simply cut off its blood supply and it shrinks.’ Judith smiled at her. ‘But for now, we need to stop the pain. The good news is, it generally clears up in less than a week, with painkillers and bed-rest.’
‘So I’m not going to lose the baby?’
‘I don’t think so. But if you’re worried at any time, call your midwife or the maternity unit. I’ll write you up for some painkillers.’
Petunia wiped away a tear. ‘I was so scared I was going to lose the baby. The pain’s so bad.’
‘I know. But we can stop that.’ Judith smiled at her. ‘And you’ve seen the baby now. The heartbeat’s fine. Have you felt any movements yet?’
‘It’s your first baby, so you might not have noticed anything yet. At first, it’s like someone’s blowing bubbles into a glass.’ Judith winked. ‘Give it another ten weeks, and you’ll be awake at three in the morning while the baby’s practising gymnastics.’
Petunia smiled back. ‘Thank you. For…well, stopping me worrying.’
‘That’s what I’m here for. Any time.’
Funny, Judith thought after her antenatal clinic had finished. This was the first time she hadn’t double-checked things in her obstetric handbook. Maybe she was starting to trust her instincts.
Because of Kieran.
Because he believed in her.
And maybe, just maybe, he’d come to realise that she believed in him, too.
The following day, Jude was delighted to sign the discharge form for Sara Cox. ‘The baby’s going to be in Special Care for another three or four days,’ Sara said, ‘but he’s going to be all right. Thank you for all you did, Jude.’
Judith smith and shook her head. ‘It’s not me you need to thank. Kieran was the one who did the section.’
‘And you were the one who spotted vasa praevia before it was too late,’ a voice murmured in her ear. ‘So take the credit where it’s due.’
The touch of Kieran’s breath against her skin made her shiver. ‘Ha. Normally listeners never hear any good of themselves,’ she told him.
‘Don’t make me pull rank,’ he retorted with a grin. ‘I just wanted to call in and wish you all the best, Sara. And to ask you to bring little Micky down to see us before you go.’
‘I will,’ she promised.
On Thursday, Jude came in an hour before the start of her shift to help decorate Louise’s office. She kept half an eye on the clock as she blew up balloons and draped streamers everywhere. If Kieran didn’t turn up before Louise got there, she’d have to find a string of excuses to keep the senior midwife well away from her office.
He made it with about three minutes to spare. ‘Where’s the cut-out?’ she asked.
‘Here. I need a hand with the wrapping.’
They stripped the bubble-wrap and brown paper from the six-foot-high cut-out, and Judith’s jaw dropped. ‘I know you said Tess went to art college, but I had no idea she was this good.’ Kieran’s sister hadn’t used a photograph at all. She’d drawn the face onto the featherboard. And it was a perfect likeness of the actor Louise adored. ‘I’ll tell her so tonight.’
Kieran grinned. ‘Good. She says we need to put scrubs on him.’
‘Lulu’s going to be here any moment. Go and distract her.’
‘How?’
‘Use your imagination!’ she said, glowering at him.
‘That particular form of distraction,’ he said softly, ‘is reserved. I’ll go and get the others to sing “Happy Birthday” or something.’
Five minutes later, the cut-out was adorned in green scrubs. Judith moved the flap at the back to keep it standing upright, then sidled out of the senior midwife’s office.
‘What are you up to, Dr Powell?’ Louise asked suspiciously.
‘Just leaving you a little present. Happy birthday, Lulu.’ Judith hugged her friend.
‘I take it you were responsible for those balloons?’ Louise asked, nodding at the string down the corridor which spelt out HAPPY 40TH, LULU.
‘Well, you didn’t think we’d let it pass quietly, did you?’
Louise grinned. ‘Just remember that you’ve got a big birthday coming up later this year, too.’
The whole team gathered outside Louise’s office.
‘I’ve got a nasty feeling about this,’ Louise said. ‘What have you lot been up to?’
Judith opened the door and ushered her friend inside. ‘Just this.’
Louise stared at the cut-out.
‘That’s a first. Our Lulu, silent,’ Judith teased.
‘I’m just…overwhelmed. That’s…mine?’
‘You wanted him with a ribbon round his neck,’ Daisy reminded her.
Louise read out the label. “‘Happy Fortieth, with love from all on Maternity.” Wow, Jude—I didn’t know you could draw.’
‘Not me,’ Judith explained. ‘Kieran’s sister.’
‘So you brought this in—hang on, aren’t you supposed to be on a day off?’ Louise asked, looking at Kieran.
‘Well. It’s not every day your favourite midwife turns forty,’ he said with a grin.
‘I think I’m going to cry,’ Louise said.
‘Not until you’ve shared your chocolates,’ Daisy said.
‘And opened your presents,’ Margot added.
‘And these were delivered about thirty seconds ago,’ Kieran said, handing Louise an enormous bouquet.
‘I’m—I’m overwhelmed,’ Louise said, smiling through her tears. ‘Thank you. All of you.’
‘We haven’t finished yet,’ Judith warned with a grin. ‘There’s still tonight…’
Kieran was waiting at the Kashmir when Judith, Louise and the others finished their shift.
‘Where’s Tess?’ Judith mouthed.
‘Changed her mind,’ he mouthed back.
They didn’t get the chance to discuss it in the Indian restaurant, even though Kieran managed to get a seat right next to Judith’s, because everyone was talking and laughing so loudly. Particularly when Louise discovered Tess’s final surprise: she’d photocopied the face from the cut-out onto thin card and had made a mask for everyone except Louise.
‘It’s got to be every woman’s dream date. You and ten George Clooneys,’ Margot said, laughing.
Just me and Kieran would do, Jude thought.
He was very quiet that evening. Clearly, he was worried about Tess.
‘Why don’t you go early?’ Jude asked him softly.
‘I don’t want to spoil Lulu’s birthday.’
‘You won’t be. Look, I’ll ring your mobile from the loos. Tell everyone Charlie’s not well, and they’ll all understand.’
‘More lies.’
‘White ones. With the best intentions,’ she reminded him.
‘I was going to walk you home.’
‘There’ll be other nights,’ she promised. She slipped out to the toilets, and thirty seconds later Kieran’s mobile phone shrilled.
‘Sorry—I’m going to have to be a party-pooper. Charlie’s not well,’ Kieran said. He gave Margot some notes from his wallet. ‘That should cover my share of the meal—and buy everyone a drink for me, will you?’
‘Of course I will,’ the midwife promised.
Kieran kissed Louise’s cheek. ‘Happy birthday, old girl,’ he said with a grin.
‘You cheeky young whipper-snapper,’ she retorted, laughing. ‘And, please, thank your sister for everything. I’m thrilled to bits with all my gorgeous Georges.’
The corridor to the toilets was next to the exit, and before Judith had a chance to return to the table, he swept her back into the corridor. ‘Thank you,’ he said.
‘I’ll call you later,’ she promised.
‘What I would give for just ten minutes in your arms,’ Kieran said, his voice tortured.
‘I know. But we can’t right now.’ She kissed him lightly. ‘Now, go.’
When Kieran arrived home, Tess was slumped listlessly on the sofa in front of the television. She wasn’t even watching it, he realised.
‘OK?’ he asked, knowing that she wasn’t.
‘Yeah.’
So she hadn’t noticed that he was home early. And she didn’t ask if he’d had a good time. Or what anyone thought of her artwork. The spark he’d seen the day before, when she’d been drawing, was well and truly extinguished. ‘Lulu loved your cut-out. And I think half the nurses in the hospital are sick with jealousy because they want one, too,’ Kieran said.
‘Oh.’
‘Everyone sends their love. They missed you tonight. Lulu wanted to thank you herself.’
She shrugged. ‘I didn’t feel up to it.’
Kieran sat next to her and took her hand. ‘Tess, I’m worried about you. I know you’ve been feeling low lately.’
‘I’m all right.’
‘You’re not, sweetheart. And that’s not a criticism of you—you’ve had a hell of a lot to cope with lately. I just think you need some help. Go and see your GP. Tell him how you’ve been feeling. He’ll be able to give you something.’
Tess shook his hand away. ‘I never thought you’d be the sort who’d say a little pill will cure everything.’
‘It won’t. But you’re clinically depressed, Tess. A short course of antidepressants won’t make you addicted. They won’t solve all your problems, but they’ll help you get back on an even keel and make you feel as if you can cope again.’
‘Right. And Charlie will go on an at-risk register.’
‘He’s more likely to do that if you don’t get help,’ Kieran said bluntly.
She glared at him. ‘Is all this because I didn’t come with you tonight?’
‘Partly. Look, you know I love you. You’re my baby sister and I’ve adored you since I first met you when you were thirty minutes old with a squidgy red face. I just want to help you.’
‘And make me take drugs? No, thanks. I’m not like Aidan.’
Kieran frowned. ‘What’s he got to do with it?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Was he an addict? Is that it?’
Tess folded her arms and refused to answer.
‘Tess, if you don’t want to talk to me, I understand. But you need to talk to someone.’
‘I’m all right.’
He put his arms round her. ‘Just some days you’re more all right than others.’
‘You’re nagging me.’
‘Because I care. Trust me. I’ve been around enough new mums to know the signs.’
‘You never said anything before.’
‘I was in denial. I’m not now.’
She shrugged him off. ‘All right. If you must know, Aidan used to take Ecstasy. Before you ask, no, I never did. But I don’t want to spend my life on pills.’
‘You won’t. It’s just a short course. Just enough to make you feel a bit less overwhelmed.’
‘Enough to stop my big brother nagging me?’
He hugged her. ‘No chance. That’s what big brothers are for. But, please, Tess, just talk to someone. Promise me?’
She sighed. ‘All right. I’ll go and see the doctor.’
‘And I’ll try not to nag. Well, not as much,’ he amended.
And once Tess was on an even keel again…maybe then he’d be able to get things straight in his head about Judith. Work out if they really had a future. And if he dared to open his heart to her.