KIERAN sniffed as he walked indoors. Was it his imagination, or could he smell food? Proper food?
‘I’m home,’ he called.
‘Hiya.’ To his surprise, Tess emerged from the kitchen. ‘I hope you’re hungry.’
‘Starving.’
‘It’s only chicken breasts, salad and new potatoes—it’s not really up to your standard,’ she added diffidently.
He grinned. ‘Correction. It’s champagne standard—because it looks as if I’ve got my baby sister back!’ He picked her up and whirled her round.
‘Put me down!’ Tess laughed, and shrugged as he set her back on her feet. ‘Well, it was about time I pulled myself together.’
‘Tess, you were clinically depressed. It’s not something you can sort on your own,’ he reminded her. ‘Want a hand with anything?’
‘No. Just sit and enjoy. Charlie’s zonked—must have been all that walking he did at Tots this afternoon. He’s still holding my fingers, but he’s really getting there.’
This was the Tess Kieran was used to. Full of energy, doing things, socialising—it wouldn’t surprise him if she’d already agreed to host a coffee-morning for the toddler group she’d started attending. In the month that she’d been seeing a counsellor about her depression and started medication, she’d gone back to her old self. She’d been talking about maybe going back to college part time and finishing her art course, or seeing if she could find herself a part-time job in an ad agency or design studio. Charlie had blossomed, too, and was at the stage of cruising the furniture and toddling a few steps if he had a finger to hold onto.
Life was moving on.
So why was he still yearning for something he couldn’t have?
But he’d already been selfish enough. He wasn’t going to wallow in his misery and knock Tess back again now. ‘That was gorgeous,’ Kieran pronounced when he’d finished his meal. ‘What did you put in the marinade?’
‘Cajun spices and lime juice. Cassie at Tots suggested it to me.’ Tess propped her elbows on the dining room table. ‘Kee, you look as bad as I used to feel.’
‘I’m fine,’ he said lightly.
‘You look as if you haven’t slept properly for weeks.’
‘We’re busy at work.’
Tess narrowed her eyes. ‘You promised you weren’t going to lie to me again. It’s Jude, isn’t it? Did she dump you because your sister’s a basket case?’ Her lips thinned. ‘If she did, just forget her—because she’s not worth it.’
‘Jude isn’t like that.’
‘If she dumped you then, yes, she is.’
He shook his head. ‘I was the one who ended it.’
‘What? You idiot!’ She stared at him. ‘Why?’
‘Long story.’
‘I’m not going anywhere.’
He didn’t want to talk about it.
Tess plonked a mug of coffee in front of him. ‘You’re not going anywhere either until you tell me. You made me promise to tell you if I feel bad again. The same goes for you. That’s what family’s for, isn’t it?’
Kieran gave in, and told her what he’d explained to Judith about his father.
When he’d finished, Tess gave him a hug. ‘Oh, Kee. I’m sorry. I had no idea. Does Mum know?’ She slapped her forehead. ‘Duh! I mean, about the bits after he left her.’
‘Not all of it, no. And I wouldn’t want her to be with him still anyway—Martyn’s perfect for her and they love each other to bits.’ He sighed. ‘But the more I think about it, the more I realise I’m just like my father.’
Tess scoffed. ‘Don’t be so stupid. If you were, you’d have left me to die and put Charlie in a home—oh, and probably cheated on Jude with twenty other women.’
He pulled a face. ‘That’s a bit extreme.’
‘Exactly. And you’re being extreme now. Look, you’re meant to be the clever one. You went to Cambridge, not me.’
Guilt flashed through him. ‘Tess, I hope you haven’t been feeling that you have to compete with me.’
‘No, of course I haven’t.’ She grinned. ‘Nobody in their right mind wants to be a geek.’
He rolled his eyes at her. ‘I’m not a geek.’
‘Yes, you are.’ Tess put her hands on her hips. ‘Otherwise you’d realize that whatever you think, you are not like your dad. You’re not a sad, selfish old git who needs to grow up. You love Jude, and she loves you. So why don’t you stop being so stupid and get back together?’
Kieran shook his head. ‘I wasn’t very nice to her. She’ll never forgive me.’
‘How do you know unless you give her the chance?’
‘Just leave it, Tess.’
She shrugged. ‘There’s no point in nagging you because you won’t listen.’
‘That’s a bit rich, coming from you!’
She grinned. ‘Yeah. I think you’ve got more in common with me than with your dad. Kee, are you busy on Friday night? I was thinking, maybe we could go out.’
What? She actually wanted to go out somewhere?
She seemed oblivious to his surprise. ‘I’ll ask Rosemary to babysit. She adores Charlie and he really likes her. We’ll go out for a pizza, then to a club.’
Kieran groaned. ‘Please. I’m too old for clubbing.’
‘You’re thirty-two, not sixty-two. Act your age.’ She gave him a calculating look. ‘If you’re worried about all your grey hairs, don’t. I’ll get some dye from the chemist tomorrow so I can cover them for you, then nobody will notice.’
‘I do not have grey hairs.’ Did he?
She chucked. ‘Ha, had you going there! Kee, it’ll do us both good to get out and let our hair down.’
She was right. He knew that.
‘Actually, I could get myself a new outfit for Friday. Tell you what, I’ll meet you after work at Giovanni’s.’
His heart contracted. Giovanni’s? It was one of Jude’s haunts. She might be there. Then again, so what if she was? It was over between them. He had to move on. Even if it was killing him.
Tess was still talking. ‘You can take your stuff to work and get changed after your shift. Wear your silk shirt, the one with all the blues and purples—I like you in that.’
‘Hang on, I’m supposed to be the bossy one.’
‘Nope. I’m back. Get used to it.’ Tess winked at him. ‘I’ll book the table tomorrow. You can meet me there on Friday when you’ve finished work. No worries if you’re held up—I’ll hit the sparkling mineral water. I might live really dangerously and have a slice of lime in it.’
‘Sounds as if I’m in your hands, sis,’ he said, resigned—though it was good to have his bubbly, bouncy kid sister back again.
If only he could have Jude, too.
But it wasn’t going to happen, and there was no point in dreaming.
The following morning, Judith’s phone rang.
‘Maternity, Judith Powell speaking.’
‘Hiya, Jude. It’s Tess.’
Judith froze. Kieran’s sister was ringing her? ‘How are you?’ she asked carefully.
‘Lots better, thanks. How about you?’
‘Fine,’ Judith lied. Part of her wanted to ask about Kieran, to find out how he really was underneath the ice-cold person he’d become on the ward, but she stopped herself. She didn’t want Tess telling him she’d asked—or Kieran thinking she was desperate. Even if she was desperate.
‘Listen, about that pizza you suggested—are you still up for it? I could do with a girly night out,’ Tess said.
Judith was slightly taken aback. ‘When?’
‘Friday night.’
‘I don’t think Zoe can make it—she’s out somewhere with Brad, and I know Holly’s on duty.’
‘That’s a shame, but we can still have fun, just the two of us. I’ll get a table—Giovanni’s does good food, I think you said?’
‘The best. OK, I’d love to. What about a babysitter—or do you want to bring Charlie with you?’
‘No worries. I’ve got a babysitter very close by,’ Tess said.
Judith assumed she meant Kieran. ‘Just you and me, then.’
‘We can go clubbing afterwards.’
And dance away her heartache. ‘I’m up for that.’
‘Good. Meet me there. I’ll book the table in your name. If one of us is late, the other’ll just have to eat all the bread-sticks. Wear slinky stuff—oh, and bring your spare lippy!’
‘You’re on.’
Judith was smiling by the time she put the phone down. Tess sounded so much better. If only Kieran…But there was no point in kidding herself. It wasn’t going to happen. They were colleagues only now, sticking to polite neutrality whenever they couldn’t actively avoid each other.
On Friday evening, Judith walked into Giovanni’s. ‘Hi. I’ve got a table booked—Judith Powell?’
‘This way,’ the waiter said.
Her smile faded when she saw who was already sitting at the table next to hers. Kieran. At a table for two. Her stomach clenched. He was going on a date. With another woman. And she would have to sit there and pretend it didn’t matter. For Tess’s sake, she’d have to smile and laugh through the whole evening.
Right now, she wanted to beat her fists on the table and howl. It hadn’t taken him long to find someone else.
If only it could still have been her.
Oh, no. He’d known there was a chance she’d be here—but why did she have to sit at the table right next to his? Kieran nodded politely at Judith, but inside he was raging. He’d change places with Tess once she arrived so he didn’t have to watch Jude and her date snuggling up together. On the other hand, changing places would mean that he’d be able to overhear the conversation between Jude and her new man. He wasn’t sure he could handle that either.
Why had she had to move on right here, right now?
He tried to concentrate on the menu, but he was too aware of Jude. Of the vanilla scent of her perfume. And she looked fabulous. Hair loose, slinky black dress, just enough make-up to accentuate her beauty, and high heels.
And in his mind he could still see every inch of her long, long legs. Remember how they’d felt wrapped round his waist. Remember…
He couldn’t handle this. As soon as Tess arrived, he’d make some excuse and they could go somewhere else.
Just then his mobile phone beeped.
He sighed. It was probably Tess, telling him that she was running just a little bit behind schedule.
He flicked into the ‘messages’ screen. As he’d expected, the text was from his little sister. So how late was she going to be?
Small prob. Treble-booked. Y dont u 2 eat 2gether?
Treble-booked? Then who were the other two? Eat together…did she mean with Jude?
He looked up to find Judith staring at him, looking as shocked as he felt.
‘Does your text say the same as mine?’ she asked.
He handed his phone to her. She read the screen and groaned. ‘Yes.’
‘She’s set us up,’ he said in disbelief. Then hope began to creep into his veins. ‘So you weren’t on a date?’
She shook her head. ‘And you?’
‘No.’
Both mobile phones bleeped again. In unison, they read Tess’s second text.
Told staff u r *not* 2 leave till u talked. Properly.
‘My little sister’s got bossy tendencies,’ he said wryly.
‘It runs in the family,’ Judith muttered.
He nodded to her table. ‘May I join you?’
She shrugged. ‘Suit yourself.’
He came to sit opposite her and sighed. ‘Jude, I’m sorry. I know I hurt you.’
‘Yes. You did.’
‘If it makes you feel any better, I’m hurting, too,’ he said softly.
Her mouth tightened. ‘You didn’t even tell me that Tess was in hospital. I found out from your mum.’
‘I’m sorry. I was upset. Mixed up. Guilty. She told me she did it so she wouldn’t be in our way.’
‘And now she’s trying to get us back together.’
Help. He needed help. To make sure he said the right thing, didn’t make things even worse. As the silence lengthened between them, Kieran’s pulse quickened with panic. ‘Jude, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to make it right.’
‘I don’t think you can,’ she said quietly. ‘You made it perfectly clear that it’s over between us.’
But he didn’t want it to be over. He was sitting close enough to touch her. All he had to do was reach out and touch her. Tell her the truth. Tell her he’d been in hell since the day he’d told her they were through.
‘I’ve missed you,’ he said. ‘Pushing you away was the most stupid thing I’ve ever done.’
Her eyes said it all for her. But you still did it.
‘Tess nearly died because I was so self-absorbed. So I had to start thinking about what was best for other people, not just what I wanted. I warned you I had a major personality flaw. So it would be better for you if I stayed away from you.’
She said nothing.
‘I know I hurt you and I hate myself for that—but I really had your best interests at heart.’
‘Why didn’t you ask me what I wanted?’
He frowned. ‘How do you mean?’
‘You decided what was best for me. But you didn’t credit me with enough sense to make my own decision. You didn’t ask me what I wanted.’
Past tense, he noted. ‘What did you want?’
‘To comfort you. To be there with you. To help you and Tess get through it. Yes, I know I was the one who suggested keeping it quiet. But I’m not perfect. I got it wrong.’
That made two of them.
His mouth was so dry, he could barely force the words out. ‘And what do you want now?’
She took a deep, shuddering breath, but she didn’t say anything.
‘I heard you singing. On the ward, that is—I couldn’t face coming to the last fundraiser, and knowing that you were out of reach. But you were singing “I’ll never fall in love again”.’ He reached out and took her hand. ‘That’s how I feel. I’ll never fall in love again. Because even though I’ve told myself I’m wrong for you, that I’m going to make a mess of your life, I’m still in love with you. I wake every morning and it hurts like hell that you’re not beside me. I read textbooks every night until I can’t see straight, because if I don’t I’ll start thinking about you and missing you. I can’t even listen to the radio any more because it makes me remember you singing to me. Nobody else is ever going to make me feel the way you do.’ His fingers tightened round hers. ‘Will you give me another chance, Jude?’
‘And what happens the next time a crisis hits you? Will you push me away again?’
He wanted to say no—but he owed her the truth. ‘I don’t know. I’ll try not to.’
‘Kieran, there’s still too much unresolved stuff going on in your head. You need to see your father and make your peace with him.’
‘How? I don’t even know where he is.’
‘Until you’ve proved to yourself that you’re not the same, there’s always going to be that doubt in your mind. It’s going to come between us, and the cracks are going to get a little bit bigger every day.’ She shook her head. ‘I’m not prepared to do that, Kieran. I don’t want to lose the man I love, little by little, because of something that isn’t even true.’
She still loved him?
Her eyes filled with tears. ‘But you have to see it for yourself. Until you do, there’s no point in getting back together. Because we’re only going to hurt each other.’
‘I love you, Jude. Believe me.’
‘I do. But until you believe in yourself,’ she said quietly, ‘it’s not going to work.’ She pushed her chair back and stood up. ‘I’m going home now. On my own.’
‘What about us?’
‘Call me when…’ Her voice wobbled. ‘Call me when you’ve sorted out who you really are.’
He wanted to go after her. To carry her home. To kiss her until she promised to give him another chance. But that was the pirate king talking. And he knew deep down that she was right. If he didn’t trust himself, he wouldn’t let her trust him either, and the love she felt for him would fade into bitterness.
He owed it to her to face his demons. Now.
He switched his mobile phone back on. ‘Hi, Mum.’ He wanted to ask her straight away, but that was the pirate king again. He had to take it slower. So he chatted to her for a few minutes before asking. ‘Just on the off chance, are you still in touch with the Galloways?’ His father’s family.
‘You want your dad’s number.’
It was a statement, not a question. How did she know?
Before he even asked her, he heard her chuckle wryly. ‘Tess told me.’
He groaned. ‘She wasn’t supposed to.’
‘No more secrets, remember? She didn’t tell me everything, Kee, just that you were convinced you’re like your father.’ She sighed. ‘You’re not, but the only way you’re going to prove it to yourself is to see him.’
Exactly what Jude had said. They had a point. But he couldn’t stop the fear rising. What if he saw his father and they were alike?
‘Got a pen?’
‘Sure.’ He scribbled down the number she gave him.
‘I’m here if you need to talk, love,’ she said softly. ‘I know you’re a grown man, but I’m still your mother. Never forget that.’
‘I won’t.’
‘Love you, Kee.’
‘I…’ He swallowed hard. He was not going to give up on this at the first hurdle. He was going to say the words he should have said many, many times before. ‘I love you, too, Mum.’
Kieran spent the next hour walking and wondering. They hadn’t spoken for years. Why would Tom Galloway even want to talk to his son now?
There was only one way to find out. He dialled the number. It was a Friday night so the chances were Tom was out. He might have to wait until tomorrow.
‘Hello?’
Adrenalin pumped through Kieran. ‘Can I speak to Tom Galloway?’ he asked.
‘Speaking.’
‘It’s Kieran.’
There was a long, long silence, and for a moment Kieran wondered if his father had hung up. ‘My son?’
‘Yes. I, um, wondered if we could meet for a drink some time.’
‘Why?’
How could he possibly say, So I can prove to myself I’m not the heartless bastard you are?
‘It’s been a long time,’ Tom said, when it was clear that Kieran wasn’t going to answer his question.
‘Yes.’
‘It’d be good to see you. When?’
Right now. ‘How about tomorrow night?’
‘Sure. Do you know the White Horse? It’s near Wood Lane station. They sell decent beer.’
‘OK. Seven o’clock?’ Kieran asked.
‘How will I…how will we recognise each other?’ Kieran asked. ‘Should I…I dunno, carry a copy of the Financial Times or something?’
‘No need. I’ll know you,’ Tom said softly.