Chapter
Three
I thought, She’s probably living it up while I’m here with no clean clothes or food.
Instead of obsessing about Mama and her whereabouts, I decided to pass the time by calling André, the boy I met at Saints the week before. I met André in the party room at the Saints Roller Rink. He and his friends were posed up on the wall, checking out the females that walked by. I saw him from across the room. I figured if I walked past and swished my butt a little, I would get his attention. I waited until a song I liked came on before I executed my plan. I wanted to make sure my bounce looked authentic.
On cue, I heard the words to my favorite song, Sally Walk by Stetsasonic. I grabbed Meechie’s hand. “Come on. Let’s walk around.”
I made sure, when we walked past him, that I did the Sally Walk hard, and it worked. He followed behind me and asked for my name and gave me his number. André looked older than I was. He had no idea I was 14. I lied and told him I was 16 after he said he was 17. I think he knew I was lying, but he gave me his number anyway.
André was fine. He was tall and brown-skinned, with perfect white teeth. He rocked a low-cut haircut with waves all over. He also dressed fly. That night, he had on Guess jeans, a paisley shirt and a pair of fresh white Reeboks. He looked like he had money.
In my neighborhood, the girls who dated dope dealers got to wear nice jewelry, get their hair done and sport the latest fashions. I figured the only way I was going to keep money in my pocket and look fly was to become a dope boy’s chick. I thought André could save me from struggling at Grandma’s house and feeling lonely. I was desperate, so I was willing to lay on my charm to get what I wanted.
I called the number he gave me. It was a beeper. I knew only important guys had beepers and car phones. In a way, André reminded me of my Uncle Teddy. He always dressed nice and drove nice cars, not to mention his beeper was always going off. I’m pretty sure he sold drugs too. Uncle Teddy wasn’t around much, but I looked up to him. He was always nice to me.
Last summer, Teddy asked me to ride with him to meet his friends a few blocks over on Mimika Avenue. When I got in the car, he put an oversized, brown MGM purse in my lap and told me to hold it. When we made it to our destination, he opened the bag and there were four white balls inside, wrapped in plastic. Uncle Teddy got out of the car and handed the bag to two guys who looked alike. In exchange, they gave him a brown paper bag.
When Teddy got back in the car he told me to NEVER tell anyone, then peeled a crisp $50 bill from a huge wad of cash and gave it to me.
I put André’s number in and waited for the phone to ring. Shortly after, he called back. “Somebody beep me?” His voice was deep, yet there was an innocence to it.
“Yeah, this is Nikki!”
“Nikki, who?” he asked.
“You know, the girl you met at Saints last week?”
“Oh, the cute girl with the pretty eyes? What’s up, cutie?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’ve been waiting for you to call me. What you doing this weekend?”
“Nothing much. Waiting for my Mama to get home.”
“You’re not going to Saints this weekend?”
“I don’t know. It depends if I can get a ride.”
“Well, let me know. If not, you can come over to the spot.”
“Where’s the spot?”
“On the Northside by the Sears building. Just call me when you’re coming and I’ll tell you how to get there.”
“Okay, I’ll let you know.”
“All right, cutie. Talk to you later.”
The smile on my face was so big, I felt the corners of my mouth cracking. An older boy with money showed an interest in me and asked me to come over. Now, all I needed was for Mama to come home so I could wash my clothes. I can’t go see André with ketchup stains and dirt smudges on my clothes. I had to give him the impression that I was fly; that way he would want me to be his girl.
For the next fifteen minutes, I practiced being sexy in the bathroom mirror. I stuck out my chest and poked out my butt to see how appealing it was. At 14, my boobs weren't that big. I stuck tissue paper in my bra to make them look big and round. I ran from the bathroom, hoping to find Meechie in the dining room to show her my newest additions, but was surprised to discover Grandma and Granddaddy sitting at the kitchen table.
Embarrassed, I crossed my arms, hoping Grandma didn't notice the uneven bulges protruding from my dingy white shirt.
“Hi, Grandma! Where have you been?” I asked, leaning against the door frame.
“Me and your Granddaddy been out all day running around. We just came from that fish place down the street, getting something to eat.”
The aroma of catfish permeated all through the house, filling each room with its unmistakable aroma.
“Did you eat?” she asked me.
“No. Not really. Uncle Lee ate the last pack of noodles. Meechie gave me some of her rice, though.”
“Has your Mama made it home yet?”
“No.”
“Do you want some of this fish?”
“Yes.”
“Go get a plate.”
I scampered to the kitchen cabinet to get a plate. Before coming back, I reached under my shirt to retrieve my fake boobs and threw them in the trash can, then hurried back for my serving of Grandma’s stinky, delicious fish. Just as I reached for a piece, I heard my Granddaddy say, “What you doing?!?”
“Grandma said I could have a piece of fish.”
“No you can’t! Where’s your Mama? Tell her to get you some fish.”
Granddaddy was always fussing, usually about nothing. I think he just liked the sound of his voice, which was interesting because most times I had no idea what he was saying. Granddaddy, an illiterate country man, grew up in Mississippi, but had been living in St. Louis for a long time. I guess he never lost his accent.
He worked long hours at a factory and hustled DVDs and whatever else he could get his hands on in his free time. We didn't see him much, but when he was home everyone knew it. He would be sitting at the kitchen table watching wrestling or eating with his dentures on the table beside him. He and Grandma met when Lee was a baby. He was mean and grouchy, but he loved Grandma and the rest of us too.
“Oh, be quiet,” my Grandma fired back. “She can have some!”
“Go on ’head. That’s a damn shame! Your Mama ain’t been here in days. She’s got to know you hungry.”
“Henry, be quiet. She don't need to hear that.”
“It’s the truth. Her mama been leaving that child here for us to take care of since she been back in St. Louis. Look at her, all dirty and stuff. Somebody need to call the people on her.”
“Ain't nobody calling the people on anybody. Why put them white people in our business?” Grandma turned to me, “Baby, get you a piece of fish. Don't mind your granddaddy.”
The truth hurt, but I took his banter because I was hungry.
“Hurry up and eat it before the rest of them come begging,” Granddaddy grumbled.
Grateful for a decent meal, I sat and talked to Grandma for a while before she took a nap and got ready for work. She worked nights as a nurse at an assisted living center. In the day, she usually slept in, but sometimes I could catch her sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee.
Me and Grandma were close. I think I was her favorite; after all, I was her first grandchild. Her and I talked a lot about my dream of becoming a fashion designer. I would tell her that I was going to be rich one day and buy her a big house. She would giggle and say, “I know you will, baby.”
Although I didn't look like much, I loved to read Vogue magazine and sketch models wearing my eclectically styled clothes. She told me she believed I could be whoever I wanted to be. Mama, on the other hand, told me I wasn’t smart enough.
Grandma told me Mama had been hurt many times in her life and that's why she treated me so badly. She said to be patient with Mama and one day she would turn her life around. I wanted to believe here, but judging by Uncle Lee and TeeTee, addicts ran in the family and they seemed to be set in their ways.
Not long after, TeeTee walked in with a dazed look in her eyes. I knew she was high. I was sad to see how drugs had destroyed her toned physique, beautiful golden complexion and pearly white teeth. Now, her skin looked gray and her clothes hung loosely from her 5’7” frame.
“I smell fish,” TeeTee said, looking through the empty bag Grandma left on the table.
“You better buy your own fish!” Granddaddy said, covering his food.
“Come on, Daddy. Don’t be like that. Let me get a piece.”
“No. Y’all always begging. Did you feed your kids today? I know they hungry.”
TeeTee puffed up, put her hand on her hip and said, “Don’t worry about my kids. They all right!”
“I am going to worry about your kids. They live in my house!”
“This is Mama’s house, too! You get on my nerves with that!”
TeeTee stomped off, cursing, calling Meechie’s name. “Meechie!”
“Yes!” Meechie called from the den in the basement.
“Did y’all eat?”
“Yes. I had Chinamen and Grandma gave Erin some fish,” Meechie answered, standing at the end of the stairs.
“Your granddaddy seems to think I don’t feed y’all,” TeeTee said, rolling her neck and looked back at Granddaddy. The truth was, she usually didn’t feed Meechie and Erin. Grandma and Granddaddy did. Everyone knew TeeTee was on drugs, but nobody talked about it. I thought Grandma blamed herself for enabling TeeTee’s habit, so she took care of Meechie and Erin out of guilt.
“You hear that? The only reason Erin ate is because we fed her. You a sorry excuse for a mother,” Granddaddy said under his breath.
“Whatever. Don't act like you're perfect. Remember, I got some dirt on you too.” TeeTee crouched in his face. Granddaddy didn’t say anything. He just looked at her, and continued to pick at his fish. Furious that she couldn’t get a rise out of Granddaddy, TeeTee turned and walked out of the kitchen.
“Selfish ole’ man,” TeeTee muttered as she passed him by.
“That’s all right. I’ll be selfish, but I got a pocket full of money and you broke!”
“Whatever!” TeeTee waved her hand and walked out of the dining room.
“What you going to do about her, Rose?” Granddaddy questioned. “That child ain’t been right since Lorenz died. She need to go get some crazy pills or something.”
Grandma’s mood got somber. “She’ll be all right. She just going through something.”
“She going through something all right—everybody’s pockets. I’m tired of it!” Granddaddy pounded on the glass-top kitchen table to show his frustration.
“What you want me to do? Put her out?” Grandma asked.
“Hell yeah, if she going to be smoking that stuff.”
“I rather she be here than out on the streets,” Grandma reasoned.
“Rose, you can’t keep blaming yourself for what happened to Lorenz. He made his own choices.”
“I’m done talking. I’m going to get some sleep before I have to go to work.” Grandma got up from the table and went to her room. Grandpa sat there for a while in silence, before heading out the door to stand on his favorite corner with his pals. I sat at the table and watched as my family transitioned in and out of the dining room. Eventually, the lights grew dim and the house grew quiet. I went downstairs and cleaned our room, just in case Mama came home. When I came back, Meechie was balled up on the couch in the living room while Lee and TeeTee were in and out of the house all night.
Sometimes, I slept on the couch because I didn’t like being alone in our room. I laid on the loveseat and listened to Magic 108’s Quiet Storm music on Meechie’s Walkman. I imagined myself walking on an endless beach with André, hand in hand. My hair was blowing in the wind and wet from the warm tropical water. André pulled me close, looked in my eyes and reached for a kiss. It felt so real, I puckered my lips and waited for his lips to meet mine. Instead, I was startled out of my daydream by something crawling on my bottom lip, then across my cheek. I fanned my face and jumped up to find the culprit. There was a brown roach scurrying across the living room floor.
“Ewww, that is so nasty!”
Meechie sat up on the couch, “What?”
“There was a roach crawling on my face.”
“Girl, you woke me up for that? I’m going back to sleep.”
I hated roaches. Last year, Grandma had them really bad. Every time I turned on the kitchen light, I would see them running for cover. I remember Meechie killing a white one crawling across her dresser and twenty roach babies came out. A few months later, the exterminator came out and buried something in the yard. I hadn’t seen one since—that is, before tonight.
Before laying down, I checked the couch for bugs and then Mama crossed my mind. When days had passed since I last seen her, I sometimes worried if she had been kidnapped or killed. I prayed she was okay, closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep. Before I knew it, morning had come.
I sat up on the loveseat and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. After a good stretch, I made my way to the bathroom, but someone was in there. Meechie wasn’t on the couch anymore, so I figured she was taking her sweet time in the bathroom. I knocked on the door and said, “Meechie, hurry up. I have to use it!”
“Meechie ain’t in here!” a familiar voice called from the other side of the door.
The door swung open. It was Mama.
I perked up. “Hi, Mama! Where have you been?”
Mama frowned and snapped, “Out and about!” I looked at Mama, searching for sign of distress, but she looked well—like she had been relaxing for the last couple of days. Her hair was pulled back in a neat ponytail, she had on brand-new tennis shoes and her nails were painted fire-engine red. She didn’t even look me in the face as she fussed. She just kept on walking. I walked behind her, hoping to get a few moments of her time.
“Well, I’m glad you’re home. I don’t have any clean clothes and there isn’t any food here.”
I no longer felt the need to pee. I wanted to tell Mama about my experiences over the last couple of days, but she hardly looked me in the face as she passed me by. I could tell Mama didn’t want to be bothered with me, but I followed her to our room, rattling off as much as I could anyway.
Mama didn’t like a nasty house, so I did my best to keep things clean. I figured if I made her happy, she would want to spend more time with me.
“Did you have a good night, Mama? I cleaned the room.”
Mama didn’t answer.
“Mama, these girls tried to jump on me the last day of school, but Meechie jumped off the bus and helped me. Then, the security guard broke it up. I thought we were going to have to fight our way out of there…”
Mama stopped me mid-sentence. “Look, I’m tired. Can we talk about this when I get up?”
“Okay.” My shoulders collapsed.
I looked forward to spending time with her, but I silently hoped she would give me money so I could hang out with Meechie and her friends. For a moment, I wanted to feel free like a kid. I no longer wanted to worry about how I was going to eat or take care of myself while Mama was gone. I wished when Mama woke up that she would be different. You know, treat me as if she loved me. I felt like I could never talk to her about how I felt. She always ignored me or cursed me out.
“Is that all you need?” she asked.
“Yes.” I looked at the floor.
“Well, turn off the light and close the door behind you.”
I followed Mama’s orders and left her alone. As I made my way up the stairs, I felt a deep sense of sorrow. I wanted Mama to love me, but I had no idea how to show her I was worthy. My 14-year-old brain couldn’t make sense of her blatant disregard for my existence. Why is she mad at me? Is it because the room isn’t clean enough for her? I will have to do better. I prayed that Mama felt better when she got up. The stress of thinking about everything became too much. I began to worry. If Mama doesn’t give me any money, how am I going to eat? God, please help me. What am I going to do?