Chapter
Eight
It’s been two weeks since I found out André was killed. His funeral was last week. I didn’t go. All I could think about was seeing some girl crying for him. Keisha went. She told me there were a lot of people there. She said André’s casket was open and he just looked like was sleeping. I didn’t want to see him that way anyway. I want to remember him the way he was when he walked me home that night. I miss his smell and the sound of his voice. I hope he is resting in peace. I haven’t had my period this month. I hope I am not pregnant. I know I’m too young to be a mother, but it would be nice to have a piece of André.
Last night, Mama told me we are moving soon. I’m happy we will have our own place, but I know I will be alone. At least now when Mama leaves, I have Grandma and Meechie to keep me company. I guess, we’ll see what happens. Amen.
A few weeks had passed since André’s funeral. Mama came home drunk one night and told me we were moving. I wasn’t sure if it was the liquor talking or the truth. She surprised me the next day when she told me again. She said, “It’s time we get out of your Grandma’s house. I’m tired of her always questioning me about where I’ve been anyway.”
I didn’t want to leave Grandma’s because I knew I would be fending for myself without the help of Grandma and Meechie. On the flipside, moving to the County meant better schools and peaceful nights. Since there were more white people there, it was safer. I didn’t have to worry about getting robbed or ghetto-ass girls trying to jump me.
I damn sure didn’t want to go to Beaumont Senior High next year. Sophia and the G-Gs were going there. That meant the potential for me getting my ass kicked by them was greater. The boys in the County looked better too. They weren’t all dirty and rowdy like the city boys. Most of them came from good homes, with parents who actually gave a damn about if they ate that day.
Although apprehensive, I tried to find the silver lining. Since we’re moving into our own place, Mama will be happier. We can spend more time together. But even my wildest visions of me and Mama getting to know each other seemed foreign. She wasn’t the cuddly type.
A few weeks passed and it was finally moving day. I finished packing the last of our stuff and sat down for a break before Mama came back with the moving truck. I heard the stairs squeak and the light patter of someone’s feet. “Nikki Pooh?” a voice whispered from outside of the door.
“Grandma?”
“Yes, baby. What are you doing?” Grandma came in and sat next to me.
“Trying to finish packing before Mama gets back.”
“Are you happy to be moving?”
“Kind of. I’m happy that I don’t have to go to Beaumont next year.”
“Yea, I think the County will be a lot better for you. Listen, if you ever need me you call me, okay? I know how your Mama can be.”
“I want to move with Mama, but I’m scared. I’d rather stay here with you.”
“I know you do, baby. Your mama means well but she is under a lot of stress.”
“Is that why she’s always gone?”
“Maybe.”
“Why does she act like she doesn’t want me? All she cares about is getting drunk and chasing men. The only time she’s nice to me is when she wants me to pretend she the perfect mother to her guy friends.”
“Don’t say that, Nikki. Your mama loves you. She just has a hard time showing it.”
“Yeah, but she can hang out with her ‘friends’ though.”
“Give her a little time, baby. She’ll come around.”
“You always say that, Grandma, but she never does. She leaves me without money to get food or wash my clothes all the time. I’m tired of being called dirty and being yelled at because I’m hungry. Please, Grandma, let me stay. I don’t want to go with her,” I vented.
“Listen, calm down. Everything will be all right, okay? Here, take this money.” Grandma reached over and handed me a neatly folded $20 bill. “Don’t tell anyone I gave that to you. I wish I could do more, but I know you’ll be all right. You’re a smart girl.”
“You ready?” Mama yelled down the stairs.
“Yes, Mama.”
“Give me a hug,” said Grandma. I didn’t want to let go. I loved her so much I wanted to show her with every second I held onto her. “I love you, baby. Remember what I told you.”
“I love you, too, Grandma. I will.”
Mama and me moved all the boxes, while Lee sat in his favorite chair and supervised.
“Y’all are so weak.”
“Then why don’t you help?” Mama fired back.
“If you give me $10, I will.”
“Boy, please. I ain’t giving you nothing.”
“Well, I ain’t helping you with NOTHING.”
Mama rolled her eyes and sucked her teeth. “Ole crackhead ass.”
We loaded the truck as full as we could and took off on our journey to the County.
The County was the suburbs of St. Louis. Everyone wanted to leave the city to live there. Plus, the schools were better.
In the County, you had your pick of good schools: Riverview Senior High, Hazelwood West and Parkway North. Upper middle-class families usually lived in the County. I loved the County. It looked so clean. The grass was greener, the trees were taller and the people were friendlier, too. In many ways, it reminded me of Washington.
“We’re almost there,” said Mama, smiling.
It had been a long time since I saw her smile. I was glad to see her happy. As we made the left turn into the apartment complex, I read the sign: “Countryside Apartments.” They were nice. No one was hanging on the corner or gathering in the street. The lawns were well manicured and the building looked freshly painted. Maybe living with Mama won’t be that bad after all.
“We’re here.” Mama stopped the truck in front of a tan door adjacent to a green bush beautifully adorned with pink flowers.
“We’re home. What do you think?”
I opened the car door and stepped out in amazement. “It’s nice!”
“I’m happy you like it. Come on. Let me show you the inside.”
The townhouse looked new, like we were its first owners. The carpet was fluffy and it smelled like fresh paint.
“Here’s the living room, kitchen and bathroom. Those steps go to the bedroom. For now, you and me will have to share a room like we did at Grandma’s.”
I followed the stairs to their end and found myself standing in a large room with a small bathroom with a shower. I stood in the middle of the room and imagined me and Mama finally getting a chance to spend time together.
I realized that I had known Mama for all my life, but didn’t know anything about her. She was a mystery. I didn’t know what her favorite color, food or dream was. I wanted her to share her thoughts, fears and joy with me, but something in my heart led me to believe things would soon fall apart. I’m going to give her a chance like Grandma told me. Maybe she’ll change? I cast my final wish, then went downstairs to find Mama. She had already begun unloading the truck. “I was wondering if you got lost. It took you long enough.”
“I was just looking around. I like this place.”
Mama flashed a smile “Come on. Let’s unload this truck before it gets dark.”
It took an hour to unload the truck. When we were done, Mama treated me to Chinese food. We sat and ate together on the floor of the empty dining area.
“So you like the apartment, huh?”
“Yes, it’s nice. What school will I be going to?”
“I don’t know. I’ll have to find out before school starts in September.”
Mama paused for a while before continuing. “You know I want the best for you, right?”
Her sincerity got my attention. “Yes.”
“I know I’m not home all the time—I want to be. I’m trying really hard… Just let me work a few things out, okay?”
“Why do you leave me all the time? Did I do something wrong?”
“Look… I said let me work things out.” Mama got up and headed to the kitchen to throw away her trash.
“But—” I tried to reason.
“Sweetheart, I’m dealing with some things I don’t think you can understand.” When her eyes began to well up with tears, she turned her back to conceal her emotions. But I saw her wipe her eyes with the top of her shirt.
“Where’s my purse?”
My heart began to race. “Mama, I’m sorry. Please don’t leave.”
“I’m not leaving…” She fussed, pulling her cigarettes from her brown bag. “What’s wrong with you?” Mama cut her eyes at me and walked out the door to smoke. Mama seemed depressed. I wanted to ask her, but I knew in my heart that she would never tell me. I watched her through the window, smoking her cigarette and staring off into nothingness.
When she came in, she swooped past me saying, “Good night.” Then, she went up the stairs and closed the bedroom door behind her. Too afraid to bother her, I balled up on the fluffy living room carpet, and closed my eyes until I fell asleep.
The next morning, Mama wasn’t there. I found a note on the kitchen counter that read: “Had to go to work. See you later.” I opened the fridge. It was empty—the cabinets were too. I started to panic, but I remembered the money Grandma gave me.
Good thing Grandma gave me that money. I guess I have to go to the store.
I put on my shoes and walked through the neighborhood in search of a store. I didn’t have a key, so I left the door unlocked and prayed no one was there waiting for me when I got back. Once I got to the main road, I noticed there was a corner store a few blocks down.
I got some milk, cereal and a snack for later, then headed back. On my way, I saw little kids playing and people sitting on their porches. I didn’t see any kids my age. I hoped they would come out later.
I spent the rest of the day waiting for Mama to come home, but she didn’t. Days passed and I kept myself company by watching old reruns of The Cosby Show. I imagined what it would be like to have Claire and Dr. Huxtable as my mother and father. They seemed so happy and loving towards their kids.
On the third day, the money Grandma gave me started to run out, so I began to worry. I noticed there was hardly any food in the refrigerator and the lunch meat and noodles I bought were getting low. “What am I going to do?”
I tried to make a plan, but had no idea where to start. I hated when Mama left me. I always ended up having to figure how to take care of myself. Why does Mama do this shit?
I closed the refrigerator and kicked it on my way out of the kitchen. “Ugh!” I screamed. The sound of my voiced echoed throughout our empty apartment. I thought of Grandma’s voice asking me to be patient with Mama, and it calmed me. I sat in the middle of the living room floor, trying to reason with the rage I felt inside. I love her so much, but I’m tired of this. She won’t change. I should run away and find my daddy.
The constant worry and anxiety began to have a physical effect on my body. My skin was full of bumps, my stomach was in knots and I was having constant headaches. I knew something had to change, but I just didn’t know what. Grandma told me when times were tough to pray to God. I wasn’t too sure that God listened to me, but it was worth a shot. Plus, writing always made me feel better. I pulled my journal from my backpack, sat on the bedroom floor and began my plea to the creator.
Dear God,
Mama hasn’t been here in days. Luckily, Grandma gave me that money. I don’t want to live with Mama anymore. Please help me find my daddy. Mama says he doesn’t care about me, but I know if he knew what was going on he would take care of me. Will you tell him I am looking for him? Or, at least, tell me where he is so I can find him? Please God, any clue will help. I’m counting on you. Amen.