Chapter

Nineteen

I felt cold inside, like all of the parts that made a young woman had been hollowed out. I yearned to get his stink off of me. The smell of his cheap cologne under my nose made my stomach ache.

I recounted the voice that whispered those repulsive words in my ear the night before. He sounded like Twin, but he and Two were identical. It could have been either one of them. I transitioned between feeling perplexed, guilty, angry and vengeful. I wanted to expose the creep who had forcibly taken my dignity away. But, which one was it?

“I need to take a bath.” I dug in my bag for a fresh pair of panties and went to the bathroom. Unlike the rest of the house, the bathroom looked rather clean. I ran the water, peeled off my bloodstained underwear and got in the tub before it was full.

I scrubbed my skin so hard it became red. I washed between my legs repeatedly, then coiled the wash rag tight enough to that I could get the remainder of him from within me.

“Why me?” I asked, scrubbing my neck and chest. “Who do I tell? Steph’s left me. And, I don’t know which one of them did it.” I felt guilty and scared at the same time. Was this my fault? I replayed the events from the day before in my head. Did I look at him wrong? Were my pants too tight? God what did I do to deserve this? The thought of him inside of me made me want to vomit. I scrubbed harder, until my skin was so raw I could hardly touch it. I stayed in the water until it was cold.

When I got out, I took my time wiping the water from my body and examining my crevices for any sign of the trauma. Between my thighs there were two grapefruit-sized bruises. Uncertain as to how to treat them, I rubbed the bruises with alcohol that I found on the counter. Then I began the painstaking process of dressing my lower body.

I opened the door and walked into Twin as he passed by.

“Oh, what’s up little mama?” He barely made eye contact with me.

“What’s up?” I couldn’t believe the balls on him. “Don’t ‘what’s up’ me. I know what you did to me last night.” I looked deep into his eyes.

He kept on walking. “I don’t know what you talking about.” He turned and smirked.

“Yes, you do!” I dropped my clothes and faced off with him.

“Little Mama, I don’t know what you talkin’ about, but you best get out my face.”

Our exchange began to get the attention of everyone in the house. I could see Sissy standing in front of the TV.

“You a pedophile and you know it.” Tears ran down my cheeks. “You know what you did to me last night. I heard your voice.” I pointed my finger in his face.

Betty came from the back room. “What is going on in here?”

His face got serious. “Mama, she think I touched her or something.”

“Nah, you did more than touch me. You raped me!”

“Little girl, I didn’t do nothing to you. I wasn’t even here last night.”

Carlos came out of the room, half asleep. “What’s going on?”

“’Los, man, this little bitch is accusing me of raping her.”

“Bitch?” I yelled. “I’m not your bitch!” I pushed Twin as hard as I could in his chest. He cocked back his hand in retaliation, but before he could connect, Carlos stopped him.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” He jumped between us. “Man, what the hell you thinking? She a little girl.”

“You nasty!” I yelled, reaching over Carlos to get a glimpse of Twin. “Raping little girls. What’s wrong—you can’t find somebody your age?”

I hit a nerve. “’Los, you better get her!”

Betty interjected, “Now young lady, don’t go making allegations you can’t prove. Did you see him touch you?”

“No…because he held me from behind. I couldn’t see his face.”

“Well, how you know it was my boy?”

“I heard his voice. And earlier he was looking at me all freaky, telling me I was going to be his girlfriend.”

“Bitch, that don’t prove nothing!” He turned to Betty. “Mama, she trying to get me locked up.” He tried to get past Carlos, but was unsuccessful.

“Wait a minute now…” Betty held up her hand like a stop sign. “Ain’t nobody getting locked up. She don’t even know who touched her. For all I know, she could be making it all up.”

“Making it up? Why would I do that?”

“Carlos told me you had some troubles back in St. Louis.”

“What? What does that have to do with anything?”

“I’m just saying, you don’t have any proof it was him, do you?”

“No…I mean, yes…” I stuttered. “I’m sure it was him.”

“Are you sure?”

“It was him. I know it!”

“But, do you have any proof?” Betty leaned in.

“No. But….” I felt ganged up on. My heart was beating fast. I could hardly catch my breath.

“I didn’t think so.” She looked at Carlos. “’Los, let him go.” Carlos released his grip. Twin straightened his shirt and gave me a menacing look. “Twin, I think you need to leave for a little while until we get things figured out.” Betty pointed at the door.

“But Mama, I didn’t do anything,” he argued back.

“Boy, you better get yo’ ass out of here,” she said from a place deep within her being.

My voice crackled. “You just going to let him leave?”

No one responded. Twin went in his room and came back dressed in a pair of white Nikes and a denim jacket with the sleeves cut off. As he passed, I smelled a familiar scent. “Wait! That’s the cologne I smelled last night! It was him, I told you!” I tried to fight my way past Carlos, but he was too strong.

“You can’t let him leave. You have to call the police!” I begged Carlos.

“Calm down, Nikki. We going to get to the bottom of this. I promise.” I could see Carlos was torn. He felt sorry for me, but he didn’t want his brother to go to jail either. The closer Twin got to the door, the more insistent I became.

“Please believe me, Carlos,” I requested, tears wetting the rim of my purple t-shirt. But he looked away and didn’t say a word. As Twin reached for the door handle, I broke through Carlos and jumped on Twin’s back.

“Nikki!” Sissy shouted.

“Oh shit!” Carlos echoed.

“Carlos, get that chile!” Betty shrieked in a panic.

I hit him as hard and as many times as I could in his head and face. “You raped me! You a goddamn pervert! I hope you die!”

Twin tried to block my punches, but was unsuccessful. Eventually, he grew tired of my hits. He reached over his head, grabbed the collar of my shirt and flung me off of him. I hit my head on the wall and fell to the floor. “I told you to get off of me, little girl!” Twin mocked me.

Sissy and Carlos ran to me. “Nikki, you all right?”

I was a little dazed but conscious. The room was spinning, causing me to weave from side to side. I could hear the muffled pleas of Betty. “Twin, get the hell out of here!” He left as fast as he could. I looked up and Carlos and Sissy were staring down at me.

“Oh, my God! Girl, what was you thinking?” Carlos exclaimed. I didn’t answer. “Can you hear me?” He snapped his fingers by each of my ears.

“Her nose is bleeding,” Sissy cried.

Betty put a pillow under my head. “Get a towel from the bathroom.”

Sissy hurried back and wiped my nose. Betty fanned me with a piece of cardboard she found on the floor.

“Nikki, are you all right?” Carlos asked once more.

My voice crackled. “Yeah, I’m all right.”

“Sit her up and give her something to drink.” Betty handed Carlos a cup of water. I was a little dazed, but okay.

“How many fingers am I holding up?” Carlos asked.

“Two,” I responded.

He looked at my eyes. “I don’t think she has a concussion.”

“Carlos, why did y’all let him leave? He hurt me.”

“Sweetheart, don’t worry about that. You worry about getting better.”

Betty looked over his shoulder. “Don’t you let that girl go to sleep. The last thing I need is her going into a coma.”

“Mama, she all right. Did you forget I’m a medic in the army?”

“I want you to call that wife of yours and have her come and get these children. I don’t need no trouble ’round here.”

I sat on the floor for a while to gain my composure. Then I shifted myself from the floor to the green plastic-covered couch. Sissy came over and sat next to me.

“Nikki. Did he really do those things to you?”

I stared at the wall while tears streamed down my face. “Yes.”

She paused. “Why didn’t they call the police?”

I bent over, putting my head in my lap. “I don’t know. I guess they don’t believe me.”

“Tell Steph. I know she’ll do something.” She stroked my back. I sat up to acknowledge her touch. She laid her head on my shoulder. I loved Sissy’s innocence. I wished I could live there with her. The thought of her growing up and life having its way with her hurt me. I wanted her to stay young forever, but I knew that would never happen.

Sissy watched Power Rangers. I was lost in thought, until I heard Carlos’ voice near me.

“Steph’s plane doesn’t land for another 30 minutes. I left a message with Donny to have her call me as soon as she gets in.”

I didn’t take my eyes off the wall. “All right.”

My head was pounding, but my heart was heavier. I couldn’t believe I had come all that way to have something so heinous and unfortunate happen to me. As bad as things were in St. Louis, being violated in my sleep by a grown man had never crossed my mind. It was the worst thing I had ever felt in my life. I would’ve rather felt Mama’s punches and have her leave me without food for weeks, then ever experience what he did to me that night. My family was messed up, but they would never let anyone get away with doing that and live to talk about it.

Time went by and, before I knew it, Steph was on the line with Carlos. I could hear Carlos explaining what happened to her. I was kind of relieved to hear that she was upset.

“Here’s the phone,” Carlos called to me.

I slowly made my way to the phone, holding the tender side of my head.

“Hello.”

“What’s going on there, Nikki?”

Why does it sound like she’s mad at me?

“That man touched me last night.”

“What do you mean he touched you?”

“Last night, when I was sleeping, he came in, covered my mouth and raped me.”

Steph took a deep breath. “Did you see him?”

“No. I think I passed out.”

“Now, Nikki. You’re making some strong allegations. Think hard.”

“Steph, it was him.”

“Why didn’t you scream?”

“He told me not to or he was going to get Meechie and Sissy too. I was scared.”

Steph was silent. “That don’t make any sense, Nikki. You could’ve kicked until you woke up Meechie and Sissy. They were right by you.”

“I couldn’t. He was holding me too tight.”

“Are you sure you didn’t do anything to lead him on?”

“What?” I was confused. “Like what?”

“I don’t know. Give him any idea that you liked him.”

I began to cry. “No! Why does it sound like you trying to blame me for what happened?”

“I’m just saying. Sometimes girls make things up.”

“I ain’t making it up. He raped me.”

“So, you don’t even know if it was Twin. And you hauled off and hit him? What is wrong with you? I knew you were going to be trouble.”

“How is this my fault?” My eyebrows touched each other and I stood up tall. “If you didn’t leave me there, none of this would’ve happened.”

Steph’s tone changed. “Look, what’s going on between me and Carlos ain’t your business. I’m going to have my daddy get you and Sissy a ticket. Tell Carlos I’ll call him back with the information.” She hung up.

I stood there stunned, with the phone in my hand. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. “Oh my God, she doesn’t believe me.” I let the phone drop to the floor and rested in a nearby chair. God, what have I done to deserve this?

I knew then I could never trust Steph. She was just as messed up as Mama and the rest of them. Contrary to my belief, the grass definitely was not greener on the other side. It was obvious her and Carlos had problems. From that moment, I knew I had to get away from her.

My plan was to get to California to find my daddy. If I can’t find him, I’ll live on the streets. I felt nobody wanted me. It seemed everywhere I went, I was being thrown away.

It hurt to hear that Steph didn’t believe me. Had her hate for me allowed her to distrust her intuition? Either way, I no longer trusted her. When I get back to Washington, I’m leaving, and nobody on this planet is going to stop me—not even God.