LET’S START WITH THIS: FEAR IS A NATURAL HUMAN response.
I grew up in a family that handled fear in a certain way, but we never pretended it wasn’t human to feel fear—we just recognized that it wasn’t always helpful. Every human being is equipped with the ability to experience fear, and often that fear is what we need to change our circumstances for the better. As I said in the previous chapter, fear happens for a reason—and what it produces is all about how we respond to it. That’s not only true mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, but it’s true physically as well.
I’ve mentioned the fight-or-flight response that everyone experiences when presented with uncertainty and danger. We’re wired to either fight against the threat we’re facing or run away from it in the hopes of surviving another day. Some people are geared more toward fight responses, while others are geared more toward flight responses, but there are times when people must choose against their wiring—times when fighters must flee and flighters must fight. How you respond depends on what you need to do to survive.
The more I write about my journey and dig into the lessons I’ve learned, the more I’ve come to realize that a lot of what my family was teaching against wasn’t the emotion of fear; it was the expression of panic. When fear goes unchecked, it evolves into panic, and panic is dangerous. As I write this, we’re in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, something unlike anything any of us have ever experienced. Who had ever heard of social distancing or shelter in place before? But we’ve had to make some changes, no matter how irrational they felt at first. Early on we saw otherwise intelligent and reasoned people gripped by fear, even to the point of panic. Grocery stores were emptied of toilet paper, bottled water, and other basic necessities as fear of the unknown took hold of people. Panic is often useless because it prevents you from attacking the fear in a helpful way—instead of fighting or flighting, you end up frozen in the emotion, stuck in a problem you don’t want to have.
This is what my parents wanted Lijana and me to avoid on the wire. They didn’t want us frozen in panic, trapped in a state where our actions weren’t actions but rather reactions we couldn’t control. They wanted us to be in control of our fear and, by extension, immune to panic; they wanted us to have the ability to walk out on that wire with clear heads and steady feet. I understand that not everyone can operate that way, and even if you can, it’s not always healthy to do so. There’s danger in believing you’re beyond fear. But when you place fear in the proper perspective, you can possess a definite peace of mind.
There’s a great story from the Bible that illustrates this. In the twelfth chapter of Acts, one of Jesus’ followers named Peter was thrown in prison by the Roman-appointed ruler of Israel, King Herod. Peter was going around Jerusalem talking about Jesus and sharing about his death, burial, and resurrection, and Herod didn’t like it at all. In fact, Herod hated the people who were talking about the church, and he’d previously killed one of Peter’s friends, a man named James. The Bible says Herod had James put to death by sword.
So Peter was in danger. A lot of danger. It would make sense that once he was in prison, his mind would race with fear and anxiety over what was going to happen to him. After all, James was dead—and Peter was probably going to be next! Most normal people would be going crazy in that cell, trying to think about what might happen or what they might do to get out of the situation. The stress of the unknown—especially when the unknown seems likely to be execution—would make most people go out of their minds with fear.
But not Peter.
The Bible says that Peter fell asleep in his prison cell. In fact, it was the night before he was supposed to appear before King Herod for his sentencing, and Peter fell asleep between two guards assigned to keep watch over him! What kind of peace does it take to fall asleep on the night before your likely death? Where does that kind of peace come from?
I believe it comes from facing your fear and knowing that you can beat it. Peter knew that death wasn’t something for him to fear, because he’d already faced that fear before when he watched his friend and teacher Jesus die. The night before Jesus was crucified on the cross, Peter was in the courtyard where Jesus was being tried. Someone recognized Peter as one of Jesus’ followers, and Peter denied it—three times! He let his fear of death cause him to betray his Savior, and it shattered his life. It wasn’t until Jesus appeared to Peter after his resurrection that Peter was able to confess his fear and face it. Jesus forgave him and gave him the courage to face his eventual death, which is why Peter was able to fall asleep in that prison. He had faced his fear and moved beyond it.
There’s a healthy process for facing your fear and learning how to move past it, and I want to share it with you.
Just like Peter, it helps to know what enemy you’re facing. I’m not a psychologist or a therapist by any stretch of the imagination, but I know that giving your fear a name is an essential first step to overcoming it. When fear is undefined, it wreaks havoc with your heart and mind, and you cannot make healthy or helpful decisions if that’s the case. From an early age, I knew that falling was a fear I had to overcome, and it was easy to name that fear because of our family history. Once I named the fear, it was easy for me to compartmentalize it and press forward with my performances.
Or there’s the fear of uncertainty, the fear of the unknown, like we talked about in chapter 8. I find this to be one of the most common fears I come across, and yet it’s often challenging for people to give this fear a name. As I’ve mentioned, I’m a control freak; I don’t like the feeling of being out of control, and it’s very easy for me to fight against that feeling instead of owning up to it. But the longer I pretend like everything’s fine, or the longer I simply try to get control over something that’s beyond me, the longer it takes me to recover. It’s better for me and for the people I love if I admit that I’m afraid of the uncertainty. Once I name the fear, I know how to face it, and so does everyone around me.
Your fear might not be as sneaky as the fear of uncertainty or as obvious as a fear of falling, but it has a name regardless. Maybe it’s a fear of failure. Maybe it’s a fear of success. Maybe it’s a fear of intimacy in relationships, or a fear of sickness or death. Or maybe you’ve never allowed yourself to sit down and think about it long enough to give your fear a name. Wherever you find yourself, you need to invest the time in figuring out what your specific fear is, because without a name, it will be difficult to move forward.
Fear works in generalities; it torments you with “What if . . . ?” and “What about . . . ?” because that’s its nature. It preys on what you can’t control. But it loses its power when it’s connected to a thought or idea. Give your fear a name, and you’ll be able to find a solution.
Once you’ve given your fear a name, talk about it out loud. This sounds a little strange, but I’m not suggesting a conversation with your fear (though you’re welcome to give that a try). I’m suggesting you find someone who will give you an empathetic ear and allow you to share what’s on your mind. The more you can talk about your fear, the more you can rob the fear of its emotional power.
This works different ways for different people. We live in an age where it’s most common to talk about your fear with a therapist or counselor. There are plenty of qualified professionals to choose from for in-person visits, as well as the option to talk to someone online. As I mentioned, therapy was not for me, but that doesn’t mean it’s not for you. I ended up speaking to my wife, my family, and my pastor. I turned to voices I knew I could trust and people who knew me. It’s what worked best for me. Maybe you’re not close to your family like I am, so that avenue isn’t one you can safely go down. But there are other options, and there’s a good chance that talking to someone, be it a psychologist, a friend, a pastor, or a counselor, is the right thing for you.
Regardless of whether you talk to a counselor, there’s someone I definitely can recommend talking to, and that’s God. As I’ve mentioned throughout the book, my faith is everything to me, and my ability to talk to God about the things I’m facing and trying to overcome is an essential part of my growth. The Bible encourages us to pray about our anxieties, something that I believe too few people take seriously.
Here are some scriptures to consider:
• First Peter 5:7 says, “Cast all your anxiety on him [Jesus] because he cares for you.” Anxiety is another word for fear that’s out of control—an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and terror. We experience it when we don’t know what the future holds, when our fears cause us to question whether things will work out for us. Jesus knows what your future holds because he knows what your future is. You can cast your fears on him because he can set them to rest with his knowledge and power.
• Matthew 11:28–30 says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” This is a personal invitation from Jesus himself to bring your fears to him, because fears are a burden to anyone who carries them. You weren’t made to struggle alone through this world; he cares about what you’re feeling, he cares about the fears that are choking you, and he wants to help you overcome them. In fact, he helps you overcome them by carrying them for you—he partners with you as the stronger one and lightens the load on your shoulders.
• Philippians 4:6–7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” These verses cut to the heart of why talking to God about our fears is such a helpful thing to do—it tells us that when we bring our fears and anxieties to God in prayer, his peace guards our hearts and minds. We give God our worries, and he gives us a peace that we can’t fully understand. The situation that sparked the fear may not be resolved, but the fear is conquered because God’s peace covers us.
If you find it hard to pray about your fear, or if you don’t feel comfortable seeking counsel, another way to talk about it is to write in a journal or notebook. You could also try recording yourself talking through the thoughts that are running through your head without trying to make sense of them. Categorizing what’s scaring you by writing out in detail the things you’re afraid of, or recording them on your phone, helps your mind think through the problem with clarity rather than emotion.
Fears emanate from your mind, which means that your mind can help you overcome them if you give it a chance. If you want to move beyond your fear, you have to learn to discipline your mind. Your mind can be your biggest enemy or your biggest asset—it’s truly up to you. If you want your mind to be your friend, you’ll have to take control of the way you think.
Many people aren’t intentional with their thinking; they allow whatever thoughts bubble up into their minds to have priority, as if they have no control over what they think about. I fully believe that your mind is something you must protect and take charge of; in the Bible, the apostle Paul wrote in his letter to the Philippian church that we must take control over what we think.
Paul put it this way: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Phil. 4:8).
Notice what Paul said we should think about: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable—it’s essentially the original call to the power of positive thinking! The content we think about has the power to transform our minds, something that Paul wrote about in his letter to the Romans when he said, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Rom. 12:2). If you’re tired of thinking negative, self-defeating thoughts that are darkened by fear, then you have to turn your thoughts to good, noble, and right things in order to renew your mind. It’s a challenge, because for some people, the power of positive thinking is really just the power of denying negative thoughts. But denial doesn’t help you grow; denial doesn’t renew your mind. Only turning your thoughts to things that are good and healthy can do that.
Learning to renew your mind this way is crucial because, in my experience, there are plenty of people who will go out of their way to challenge your thinking and make you doubt. This has happened to me before some of my walks. People always focus on the potential negative outcomes, the possibilities of my failing and falling. I understand why they ask—they simply cannot imagine doing what I do because they cannot imagine overcoming what I’ve overcome. Their minds go only to the dark and negative places, and that’s where they expect me to go when they ask questions. But negativity is a vacuum—it will suck you in and hold you there. It’s a trap that will disengage you from your visions and goals. That’s why I always encourage people to remove anyone and anything negative from their lives. You can’t live in the negative realm and overcome your fears, which means you can’t be around people who live there. Negative people will always want you to be negative.
But the truth is, you can’t always remove everyone who adds some negativity to your life. Sometimes it is just a piece of the job. A key requirement of all these big walks I’ve done over the last several years has been doing pre-event media sessions. And while I have complete respect for what the media has to do, I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that many of these sessions and the questions that come with them have an impact on my mindset.
Can you imagine being asked things like “Do you have a death wish?” “Do you want to die on live TV?” “What if the winds are so strong that there is no way you’ll make it?” just hours before getting ready to walk out over Times Square?
I have actually been asked each of those questions! And yes, they do mess with my mind. That’s where developing this specific discipline is an absolute necessity.
Disciplining your mind will require sacrifices, but it will give you freedom. Start by writing down your thoughts so you can examine them. Take an hour and write down everything that comes into your head, without filtering it. Then, after the hour is up, take a look at what you’ve written down. Is it mostly positive or mostly negative? Full of doubt or full of faith? Look at the pattern because you’ll need to either break it or encourage it, depending on whether it’s building you up toward what’s good.
When you discipline your thoughts and where you allow them to go, you begin to move in the direction of your dreams. This discipline is crucial because it is the foundation for your future, and when you have a firm foundation, even if you fall, you get back up that much quicker. Build a firm foundation by surrounding yourself with positive people and positive things. Fill your mind with positive music and messages, positive words and images. Avoid putting destructive or hurtful junk into your brain, because what you put in you’ll inevitably get out.
Controlling your emotions comes after thinking because how you think in large part determines how you feel. If your brain is constantly muddled with negative thoughts, it’s a sure bet your emotions are going to follow suit. Once you learn to think positively and take control over what goes into and comes out of your brain, you’ll find that your emotions will begin to mirror that change. Proverbs 4:23–26 makes this connection clear:
Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.
Keep your mouth free of perversity;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead;
fix your gaze directly before you.
Give careful thought to the paths for your feet
and be steadfast in all your ways.
Notice how the writer said to “guard your heart”? In ancient times, the heart was considered the source of thoughts and emotions, so the writer was cautioning readers to be careful about what goes into their hearts, because what goes in will inevitably come out. Just as we have to be careful with the types of thoughts we think, we need to be careful with our emotions. While they are an essential part of the way we’re made, they aren’t always reliable; we can be swayed by emotion to say and do things we might otherwise regret, and since fear is such a powerful emotion, we need to be especially careful about the influence we give it in our hearts.
If this feels like too much for you, or if you’re having trouble wrapping your mind around the concept, that’s okay. I haven’t walked in your shoes, so I can only tell you what has worked for me, what I’ve learned through the challenges I’ve faced. I have found that my emotions are much easier to guide and control when my thinking is healthy and upbeat.
Now, that’s not to say I don’t have my bad days. Everyone does! But I also know that practice makes perfect, and I strive for perfection. I want my emotional response to the things that happen to me to be in line with my thinking, and I want all of my mind and heart to be in line with my visions and dreams. That’s the secret to any successful individual—everyone who achieves something in life believes that they have the ability to do it, and that belief is fueled by the alignment of their thoughts and emotions.
I’ve found that the fastest way to healthy control over my emotions comes through gratitude and praise. I think focusing on the things that are good and healthy in my life allows me to feel good and healthy about my life. I give thanks for my wife and children. I give thanks for my mom and dad. I give thanks for my sister. I give thanks for the incredible people who have come alongside to support me as I build my dreams. I give thanks for my ability to walk the wire. I give thanks for my hunger for significance and success. I could go on and on, but the point is that as I turn my mind and heart toward the things that are good in my life, I am able to see other good things around me. We find our opportunities where we turn our gaze, and if we’re looking at and for good things, we’ll find good opportunities.
I want to help you live your best story. I don’t know what visions or dreams you have for your life—assuming that you have them at all—but I know that if you haven’t lived them out, there’s a strong chance it’s because you haven’t dealt with your fear. We live in a culture that praises dreamers and their dreams but then goes out of its way to tear them down; it’s a profitable self-defeating culture. Anxiety is one of the most common forms of mental illness in America, with forty million people affected.1 Of those forty million, fewer than 37 percent seek help to deal with it, which means the majority simply live with their anxiety.2 People are crippled by this condition, and what is sad is that they don’t have to be.
You don’t have to be.
You can overcome your fears. You can find strength to move forward with your life. You can live down and out with the negative thoughts and emotions that tell you life will never go your way. Or you can choose to live differently. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve fallen, how many times you believe you’ve failed; there is hope for you and the life you want to live.