JAKE barely made it through breakfast. His head was pounding, and his stomach was rioting. The smell of frying bacon almost made him vomit. He was never fucking drinking margaritas again.
He was grateful for the sunglasses Marcy had found for him. On the passenger seat next to him sat the small buffalo fetish Eddie had given him. The buffalo fetish was about great emotional courage, and Eddie had told Jake he had enough courage for everyone. Unsure of that but touched all the same, Jake had given Eddie a hug.
The drive from New Mexico through the Texas Panhandle to Oklahoma was straightforward, I-40 most of the way. Jake played calming music and stopped several times to buy large bottles of water and aspirin. His headache was gone by the time he drove onto the campus of the University of Oklahoma. He’d timed the trip perfectly. As he pulled up in front of Mitchell Park, his son walked out of the building.
“Dad!” Johnnie ran up to the SUV and jumped inside. His hair was much shorter than Jake remembered, but sometimes players cut a bunch off at the beginning of the season.
Jake clapped his son’s shoulder. “Hey there, Sport. How did practice go?”
“Great. I think I might get a good bit of pitching time during the season. Probably not starting, but definitely relief.”
“You’ve got time to be a starter. If you play well this season, I bet they’ll start you next season.”
Johnnie took off his cap and ran his fingers through his wet hair, which was dark blond like his father’s. “That’s what the sophomore pitchers said. Sometimes, though, it’s hard to tell when they’re being straight and when they’re yanking a freshman’s chain, ya know?”
“Yeah, I remember being a freshman. They’re not hazing you, are they?”
Johnnie laughed. “Nothing bad. We’ll have to wear something stupid to the first game. Probably pink tutus or something.”
If that was the worst of it, Jake probably wouldn’t have to kill anyone. “So, where you want to go?”
“There’s a great sushi place over on East Main if you’re up to it.”
Jake wasn’t, really, but he thought he could possibly keep it down. “Sure. Just tell me how to get there.”
The conversation died as Johnnie gave turn-by-turn directions. Jake pulled into a spot in front of a nondescript brick storefront next to a tattoo parlor. His stomach growled, but he wasn’t sure if it was in hunger or protest.
Once in the restaurant, Jake found some mild things to order: miso soup, steamed rice, tempura, and tea. Johnnie ordered four sushi rolls and a diet soda. After the waiter left the table, Johnnie began to once again converse.
“How was the drive?”
“It was good,” Jake said. “I thought the drive to Albuquerque would never end, and the drive here went by fast in comparison.”
“Did you meet Mom’s boyfriend?” There was obvious venom in the word.
Jake frowned. “Yes, I met Eddie. He’s actually a pretty nice guy.”
“Whatever.”
“Jesus, I hate that word. Don’t ‘whatever’ me. Do you have a problem with Eddie as a person, or are you just pissed off that your mother has gone on with her life?”
Johnnie crossed his arms over his chest. “Well, he’s only seven years older than me.”
“So?”
“Don’t you find that a little… odd?”
Kid, you ain’t heard nothin’ yet. Jake paused as the waiter dropped off their drinks and his soup. “Sure, it’s not the norm.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
Jake knew where this was going. “Why wouldn’t I be? Your mother and I aren’t married anymore. I want her to be happy. Don’t you?”
“Sure I do,” Johnnie admitted. “I guess I just had that stupid fantasy you’d two would get back together.”
“I love your mother, but not that way anymore. We’re better friends.”
Johnnie dropped his arms and sunk back into his chair. “Yeah, Mom says that too.”
“Well, she’s a smart woman. Now sit up and tell me about school so I can eat my soup.”
Just like Jake at his age, Johnnie had to be prompted to talk about his classes. He rattled off his schedule, spending little to no time discussing what he’d actually learned. The only class he admitted any affinity for was sociology, and Jake encouraged him to consider majoring in it.
Their food arrived, and Jake was surprisingly hungry. “You need to make sure you have something to fall back on in case baseball doesn’t pan out. And you—”
“Need to graduate. I know, Dad. No early draft for me.” Johnnie popped a piece of sushi into his mouth.
“Right. I’ve always regretted not getting my degree. I’m just lucky I didn’t need anything to fall back on.”
“So what are you going to do now?”
Jake shrugged. “Don’t know. I really don’t have to make that decision anytime soon.”
“Have you thought about commentating?” Johnnie asked.
“Not unless a major league team moves to Waynesboro. I’m not interested in moving for a team again.”
Johnnie scrunched his nose like he smelled bad fish. “I can’t believe you’re moving there.”
“You didn’t grow up in the South. You don’t get the pull it has on someone who did.” Jake put his fork down. “I just want to go home.”
“Was San Diego ever home?”
“Not since everyone left.”
Jake and Johnnie fell silent, and Jake felt the discomfort crawling over his skin. He didn’t want his son to pity him. He just wanted Johnnie to understand. Or at least accept that it was Jake’s life to do with as he wished.
They finished their meals while exchanging pleasant chatter. When Johnnie put his chopsticks down, Jake took a deep breath and jumped into the conversation they really needed to have.
“Johnnie, I need to talk to you about something.”
Johnnie leaned toward his father. “Sure, Dad. What’s up?”
“There’s something I’ve always… known about myself. Your mother knows too. Always has. But I didn’t tell you or Erin because… well, because it didn’t seem to matter until now. But it does matter, and I need you to listen and remember that I’m your father and I love you.”
“I know. I love you too.”
Jake smiled, even though it was a little sad. “Thank you. Johnnie, I’m…. I’m bisexual.”
Johnnie jumped back, and his chair screeched horribly. “What?”
“I said I’m—”
“No, no, stop. I heard you. Why are you telling me this now? Do you have a… a boyfriend?” If Johnnie had used venom when applying the word to his mother, he used deadly poison now.
“No, not right now, but I’m going to come out publicly.”
“Yeah, great.” Johnnie stood up. “I’m gonna walk back to the dorm. I need some air.”
Jake deflated. “Yeah, I understand. I can get a hotel room if—”
“No, it’s okay. You can still come to the dorm.” Johnnie threw a key onto the table. “I’ll meet you there later.”
Jake watched Johnnie leave without so much as a wave. The kid was obviously in shock, but Jake was afraid it was more than that. Maybe Johnnie was disgusted. Maybe Johnnie hated him now.
Jake paid the check, slunk back to the SUV, and called Marcy. She had a way of calming him, which worked now as it always had. By the time he finished the call and followed the GPS directions to Johnnie’s dorm, Jake could breathe, and his heart had stopped pounding. When he found the dorm room empty, he lay on one of the beds and took big breaths in and big breaths out.
The room wasn’t much different than the one he’d had at Georgia Tech. He smiled, remembering all the girls he’d snuck into his room. He’d never had to sneak Mikko in. Mikko’s parents had known what it could be like for a gay man in the U.S. in the eighties, and they’d made sure Mikko had his own apartment, a safe place to be himself.
It had also been a safe place for Jake to be himself. There with Mikko, Jake had allowed himself to experience all the things he’d wondered about. Mikko had been a generous teacher, and Jake had soaked in all the knowledge Mikko would give. He’d wanted nothing more than the freedom to spend every moment under Mikko’s tutelage.
But freedom was something he’d never had.
Two hours later, Jake was awakened by the closing door. Johnnie smiled and pulled up a chair to sit next to the bed.
Jake rubbed his eyes. “Hey, sport. Where ya’ been?”
“I went to talk to my girlfriend.”
That was news. “I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.”
“You’re the first person I’ve told,” Johnnie said. “Mom doesn’t even know yet.”
“She’s a nice girl, I hope.”
“Very nice. Except when she’s telling me I’m being a selfish dick.”
Jake laughed. “Did she use those words?”
“Those exact words. She always calls me on my bullshit.” Johnnie took off his cap and threw it onto his desk. “Look, Dad, I am so sorry about the way I reacted. I was just not expecting that. And, like I said, I’m still this stupid kid who wants his parents back together. It never occurred to me that marrying Mom had been so hard on you.”
“Whoa there, fella,” Jake said as he made the time-out signal. “I loved your mother. Hell, I was crazy about her. I had to beg the woman to marry me.”
“But you said—”
“That I’m bisexual. I’m attracted to men and women. And I was most definitely attracted to your mom from the second I met her.”
Johnnie frowned. “Then why did you get divorced?”
“We were kids when we got married, and then we spent lots of time apart while we were growing up. We just looked at each other one day and knew that the love two partners should have wasn’t there anymore.”
“I guess I can understand that. Do you have someone you love that way now?”
“Yes.”
“Oh,” Johnnie whispered. “Does he love you?”
Jake tapped his nose. “That is the million-dollar question. I don’t know the answer. I’ll be sure to tell you when I do.”
“Anything else I need to know?”
“I’m going to issue a press release once I get to Georgia. Not sure anyone will care now that I’m retired, but I want it out there on my terms.” Jake remembered Marcy’s secret roommate. “By the way, I think you should bring your girlfriend to Thanksgiving dinner at your mother’s house.”
“I’ve been thinking about it.” Johnnie blushed. “Think Mom will make us sleep in separate rooms?”
“I seriously doubt it.”