“MATT, Seth, say good night to your uncle and let’s head upstairs,” Alan said as he stepped out onto the back porch.
Matt immediately stuck his lower lip out in a sulk and looked to Ruben for rescue, as Seth protested, “Mikey and Brett get to stay up. I wanna stay up too.”
“Zip it,” Alan cut in before Seth could really get started. His son was a champion debater at four years old, and if Alan gave him a chance, he’d find a way to successfully argue for a later bedtime. “They’ll be following soon. When you turn six you can stay up an extra half hour too.”
“No, no, no, no, no.” Matt clung to Ruben’s shirt with one chubby hand and swatted at Alan with the other. “Bed bad. Bad bed.”
“Let me.” Ruben stood up and secured his arm around Matt’s waist. The imp let out a squawk when he realized he’d been betrayed and tried to wiggle out of Ruben’s embrace. “I haven’t put them down in a while.”
Alan was about to tell Ruben he didn’t have to bother, but something about the set of his mouth and the slump of his shoulders stopped him. He knew how much Ruben missed his own kids and now that it was getting close to their summer visit, the house must seem extra cold and quiet. If Ruben wanted to listen to Matt and Seth’s last-minute wrangling, who was he to stop him?
“You don’t have to twist my arm. One story, that’s what they get. Don’t let the hooligans tell you anything else.”
“I was a pro at this when you were still freaking out about your first diaper change.” Ruben snagged Seth as he tried to make a dodge for the lawn and scooped him up as well. “Gotcha, little hooligan.”
Seth began giggling, and that was enough to pull Matt out of his sulks. He ceased struggling and patted Ruben’s cheek. “Unca? What’s hool’gan?”
“You are.” Ruben blew a raspberry on his neck, and Matt shrieked with laughter before Ruben did the same to Seth.
Alan watched them go with a sense of relief and grabbed a deck chair. As soon as the boys were in bed, he planned to get some answers out of Ruben. For as close as they were, sometimes Ruben could be maddeningly distant. He stewed and brooded until he made some crazy-assed decision that seemed to come from nowhere, leaving Alan feeling like a bombshell had been dropped on him. Alan refused to let that happen again.
From the stairwell, Alan heard Matt’s shriek of “noooooo,” and chuckled. It was kind of nice to share bedtime duty with Ruben. Alan knew he’d been leaning more on his friend than he should. He didn’t want to take advantage of Ruben’s willingness to help just because there were some nights when he found being a single parent a little daunting. He didn’t know how Cassandra had done it all those times Alan had been on the road.
“Dad?”
“I’m right here, buddy.” Alan waved to Brett to show him he hadn’t left the back deck. Brett was getting better about not freaking out when he couldn’t find him, but he still had his moments. The uncertainty came from having his mom there one morning, celebrating the newest member of their family, and gone the next. Alan couldn’t begin to imagine his son’s confusion and heartbreak.
And Alan still couldn’t think of Cassandra without a twist of guilt that made him ache. She’d deserved better than a husband who traveled so often and spent far more time with his best friend than with her.
“Okay.” Brett waved back and returned to playing whatever game it was that he’d devised with Mikey.
The bedroom light overlooking the deck came on and Alan glanced up as Ruben closed the blinds. Lately, it seemed like Ruben was drifting further away, and Alan couldn’t figure out what to do to stop it. Sometimes, he just wanted to go back to how they’d been before Ruben had gotten it into his head to kiss him. That was when everything went weird. Alan still didn’t know what Ruben had been thinking, and he’d tried to blame it on the postgame celebration, but that didn’t explain his own reaction to that spontaneous kiss.
Admittedly, it had been hot. Alan had noticed other men before and had always dismissed it, telling himself that he was just comfortable enough with who he was that he could notice. But Ruben was in a league all his own, and Alan had seemed to notice that more often. Didn’t matter; they had both been married at the time, and Alan had made it clear it couldn’t happen again. It was too late, though—the damage had been done. He couldn’t stop himself from looking at Ruben differently, thinking things he shouldn’t, wanting to explore more until he thought the guilt would eat him alive.
When Ruben had left for Tampa, it had been a relief at first. Alan had seen it as a chance to get back to the friendship they’d had without the awkwardness of emotions and desires they didn’t need. Yeah, right. He’d missed Ruben with a painful ache that had left him confused and lost. When the relief faded, he’d been hurt and angry that Ruben hadn’t discussed the move with him first. They were best friends.
It didn’t help that Alan obsessed over him going. He wanted to know what Ruben had been thinking. He wanted to know why, yet he was still… a little afraid of the answers he might hear.
“Got it! No, dangit!” A shout from Mikey drew Alan’s attention from his brooding thoughts, and he stood up to see what they were doing. The fireflies had emerged, their gentle light blinking on and off as Mikey and Brett chased them on the back lawn. Alan smiled; he’d loved doing that on lazy summer nights too. “Make sure you let them out of the jar before you go to bed, guys.”
“Uh-huh,” Brett said, showing Mikey how to cup his hands around the insect and transfer it to the jar, where a couple others were already incarcerated.
“It tickles.” Mikey giggled.
Alan let them play for a little longer, his thoughts returning to Ruben. Something had happened recently, something that hurt him. He was pretty good at hiding it, but Alan had known him long enough to recognize the signs, the inward air of preoccupation, the defensive tightening around his dark-brown eyes. There was a time when Alan believed Ruben would tell him anything, but then he’d switched teams and Alan realized how wrong he’d been.
Still, when Ruben had come back to play in Boston, their friendship had been stronger than ever. He’d been there for Ruben through his divorce, and Ruben had helped him to keep it together after Cassandra’s sudden death. Then Ruben had been injured and he’d leaned on Alan throughout his painful rehab and coming to terms with the realization that his career was over. They’d built a place for themselves in this bustling town off Lake Champlain.
There had been only one other incident between them, which should have been a good thing, they’d moved on, yet it continued to bother Alan like poking at a sore tooth. He couldn’t figure out Ruben’s mindset then or now, whether he’d ever wanted to kiss him again, or if it had been a random moment of temporary insanity. Alan had thought of kissing Ruben; hell, he’d thought of a lot more, but after the way he’d shut Ruben down cold twice, it was asking for trouble to even consider the notion. He needed their friendship too much to risk fooling around with it.
Alan called Mikey and Brett in, then sent them running upstairs to get ready for bed. He followed the noise of their stampede and stopped in the doorway to Seth and Matt’s room. They were settled in their bed and crib, their attention focused on Ruben, who was reading to them from Fox in Socks and managing the tongue twisters far better than Alan could.
Alan leaned against the door to listen as well. He loved the sound of Ruben’s voice, the faint lilting accent he still had even though he’d lived Stateside since he was eighteen. Whenever he’d visit his mom in San Juan, he’d come back with his accent a little stronger for the following weeks. Alan trailed his gaze over Ruben—the warm brown of his skin, the close-cropped mass of black curls, the dark shadow along his jaw. His friend was a good-looking man, though Alan was pretty sure he’d have the same reaction to him even if he was scarred, ugly, or put on sudden weight.
“Uncle Ruben?” Seth sat up, interrupting Ruben’s story.
“Yeah, little man?” Ruben shut the book, keeping the place with his finger, and focused his attention on Seth.
“Did you know my mommy?”
Alan went still as shock jolted through him. Mentally, he told Ruben to find a way to drop the subject. Every time he thought of Ruben and Cassandra in the same sentence, it brought a wave of remembered guilt and shame. It didn’t help that deep down, he wished he and Ruben had gone further. Even three years after the last incident, Cassandra was still a hot-button topic.
Ruben shifted in the chair and set the book aside as Matt sat up too, his blue eyes widening. “Mama?”
“Yeah, I knew her. She was a good lady. She liked to smile.” Ruben paused, cocked his head, then half turned to glance at Alan in the doorway. He had an uncanny knack for knowing when Alan was nearby; even if he remained silent, somehow Ruben always knew.
“Did she love me?” Seth asked, and Ruben turned back to him. Alan’s son had such a hopeful look on his face that Alan couldn’t blame Ruben for not being able to respond, even as the sharp edge twisted deeper. The boys should be asking him these kinds of questions, not Ruben.
“Very much,” Ruben replied softly.
“Me?” Matt asked, climbing to his feet and clinging to the railing of his crib. “Me?”
“Absolutely.” Ruben rose to lay Matt back in his crib. “Your dad and all of you boys made her very happy.”
There were times, like now, when Alan wished Ruben had remembered that detail the night he’d kissed him. All of those crazy urges he’d had as a teenager had been left in the past until then. Alan had been comfortable, secure with his career, his family, his friendships… and Ruben had turned that all upside down with one incredible kiss.
“I can take over from here.” There was an edge to Alan’s voice he tried to hide from the boys, but from the way Ruben stiffened, Alan knew he’d heard it. There was so much left unsaid between them that they’d gotten used to listening for the subtle nuances in their voices. And the weight of all those unsaid words seemed especially heavy tonight. “Why don’t you grab us a couple beers and wait for me downstairs?”
“Sure.” Ruben smoothed Matt’s blankets and ruffled Seth’s hair. As he passed Alan, their gazes clashed. Alan had the hot temper—it came and went in a flash of lightning—but not Ruben, Ruben let things smolder until they couldn’t be held back anymore. And from the look in his eye, that simmering kind of heat that had gotten them into trouble before had been building for a while.
Maybe it would be best for them both if Ruben went home. Alan would calm down before morning and things would go on as they always had. Alan sighed and closed his eyes. And then there would be yet another thing unspoken between them. If they kept this up, they’d end up not talking at all, and that thought brought a sharp, aching pain. He’d lost his career and his boys’ mother; he couldn’t lose Ruben too.
“Daddy?”
Alan looked at Seth, who had a worried frown, and forced himself to smile. “Yeah, Seth?”
“Are you mad?”
The last thing Alan wanted was for the boys to think they couldn’t talk about their mom, not that Seth could remember her all that well, and to Matt she was a picture and stories. It was his responsibility to keep the memories of her alive in their minds. He needed to do a better job if his younger ones were turning to Ruben instead of him. Perhaps he’d paid too much attention to Brett’s anxieties and not the others’.
“No, I’m not mad.”
He put away the book Ruben had left out and tucked the boys in. They didn’t ask any more questions, and Alan wasn’t sure how to volunteer the answers. He paused in the doorway and looked back at them. Matt had already kicked his blanket off and Seth had curled onto his side, resting his fist on his cheek. “You know you can talk about your mom anytime you want, right?”
“Yeah, I know,” Seth mumbled. “Love you, Daddy.”
“I love you too.” Alan flipped off the light, then crossed the hall to check on Mikey and Brett, who scrambled for their beds when they spotted him. He got them settled as well, half of his mind on Ruben waiting downstairs. He listened for the sound of the door, both hoping to hear it and knowing he’d be disappointed if Ruben did leave.
After good-night kisses and an admonishment to remain in bed, Alan left them to go to sleep and went downstairs to look for Ruben. He found him on the back porch, sipping his beer and staring out over the lake. The breeze coming off the water leached the heat out of the day, leaving it pleasant. The sun was almost gone, and lights were coming out along the shore in a glittering strand. Alan paused and tried to let the peace of the scene sink into him, but the confused welter of emotions roiling inside him wasn’t making it easy.
Ruben opened another beer and held it up for Alan without turning around. Alan took it, though he had no interest in drinking. No matter how he said this, it was going to sting, and they both knew it was coming so there was no point in hedging. They’d had this conversation once before. “Ruben, I don’t want you talking about my wife.”
Ruben closed his eyes, his heavy brows drawing together as he pressed his lips tight. “They asked. What was I supposed to say? They’re young; they don’t know what’s taboo and what isn’t. They’ve got friends at Miss Sarah’s who have mothers, and they know theirs is gone. They’re still trying to make sense of it; of course they’re going ask questions.”
“You know what you were supposed to say and you knew I was standing right there, so there was no reason for you not to turn it over to me.”
“Why’re you being so hardheaded?” The line between Ruben’s brows deepened. “You know I cared about her too. Cassandra was a friend. You’re not the only one who carries around guilt for what happened between us.”
Alan couldn’t believe Ruben was arguing about this. There was no room for disagreement here. It was a boundary issue, one that Ruben had clearly crossed, and he knew he was wrong. But when he looked up at Alan with an expression that was both stubborn and aching, it made Alan bristle and put his defenses up.
“You tell them to talk to me.” Alan stuck his thumbs through his belt loops. “I’m serious. This isn’t something I’m going to back down on.”
Ruben set his beer bottle down with a deliberate motion that made Alan’s senses tingle. Of all the times for him to dig in his heels…. Alan wished he’d picked any other topic than this. When Ruben turned to face Alan, there was a hot, reckless mood in his dark eyes. “Why?”
Alan blinked and then scowled at Ruben as he stood up. “What you do mean why? That’s a dumbass question. You know why.”
“Why does it bother you this much?” Ruben pressed, stopping in front of him, close enough that Alan could smell the crisp, clean scent of his aftershave. “Not to be cruel, but she’s been gone for two years. There’s nothing we can do that’ll hurt her anymore. So I have to ask myself why you still feel so guilty when I mention Cassandra.”
All Alan could do was stare at Ruben, scrambling to find words. “I don’t think we should be discussing this.”
“Why not?” Ruben said, taking another step closer, making it hard to think. Alan’s skin pricked with electricity, and he had to stop his gaze from drifting to Ruben’s mouth. That would be a bad idea. That was how all this had started in the first place, with Alan watching Ruben’s mouth, the way his lips moved as he rambled on about one of his favorite topics. “You’ve been pushing lately, asking questions I’m not sure you really want answered.”
Alan scrubbed a hand through his hair and moved away to set his beer down. He needed some space between them so he could think. “Okay, you’re right, I have, and I’m still waiting on an answer for why you left.”
Ruben barked a disbelieving laugh and put his hands on his hips as he stared at Alan. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”
“What?”
“I left because I knew if I didn’t I’d be tempted to kiss you again.” A jolt of electricity lanced through Alan at those words. “And I didn’t want to get between you and Cassandra any more than I already had. I figured distance would be good for us, but I was wrong, wasn’t I?” Ruben said with a pointed glance.
Alan felt the instant flush in his cheeks. “That was a mistake on my part, and right now is not the time to get into it.” This wasn’t why he had invited Ruben over. Whatever was bothering him had nothing to do with their past. Did it?
“I think it is, because it’s still eating at you. If it was nothing more than hormones and alcohol and whatever other excuse you come up with for what happened between us, if it hadn’t meant anything, then I think it would’ve faded by now.”
The confused jumble of emotions spiked and surged, fueling Alan’s temper. He couldn’t get a handle on his own feelings. Who was Ruben to say how he did and did not feel?
“Will you stop bringing that up?” Alan glared at him, his jaw clenching. After all this time of not talking about it, it was a shock to hear it all being alluded to now. “Seriously, Ruben, it’s time to let it go. It was a mistake. A huge one. One you started.”
Ruben flinched, and this time he was the one who looked away. Alan knew he was going to regret those hot words later on, but right now the bubbling guilt, anger, and confusion had ahold of him.
“Yeah, you’re right, I did, and I apologized. I never should’ve kissed you. You keep asking why I left the team. You know damn well why. I left because you made it clear nothing was going to happen between us, and I—”
Alan wished that Ruben hadn’t stopped himself there, before he told Alan how deep his feelings ran, or what the hell had been going through his mind that night or afterward. “You what?” Alan snapped, stepping toward him again. “Jesus, Ruben, I didn’t ask you to leave town because of it. Nothing could come of it. We were both married. We both had kids. What the hell did you expect?”
Ruben leaned closer, and Alan’s heart began to pound, his breath shortening. His gaze went to Ruben’s lips and then jerked back to Ruben’s eyes. “Why does it bother you, Alan? Am I too close? Do you still think about those two nights when you’re alone in bed?”
He did think of them, more often than he needed for peace of mind. His mouth went dry and his thoughts skittered back to the memory of how the desire had risen hot and hard between them.
“I do,” Ruben said, echoing Alan’s thoughts. “I remember your rough kisses and the way your hands gripped my shirt.”
Alan stared at him, trying to speak, but the words tripped on his tongue. Ruben moved closer still and Alan’s whole body stirred. “I remember how you tasted and that little urgent sound you made just before you came.”
Alan stepped back, shocked into moving by hearing it said so baldly. Even though Ruben had been responsible for the first incident, the second had been all Alan’s doing. At least Ruben hadn’t thrown that in his face. The memories flooded through him: the dizzying pleasure of having Ruben’s cock in his hand, feeling him move as Alan stroked him, hearing him moan, and having the intense, forbidden pleasure of knowing he was making his best friend that crazy.
“I think you should go,” Alan said and turned away from Ruben to let him through the door. He needed to think, and right now neither one of them was thinking very well.
“Yeah, I think you’re right,” Ruben said softly and pushed by him. Alan bit back the hot swell of disappointment and refrained from calling him back. They both needed to clear their heads before they did something they’d both regret. Again.
Alan sank down into the nearest chair and rested his elbows on his knees as he heard the sound of Ruben’s car starting. His body still thrummed and his thoughts were full of the memory of Ruben’s scent, the heat of his nearness. As the sharp edge of his desire faded and his emotions cooled, he realized that he never did get to talk to Ruben about what was bothering him.
“Dammit,” Alan groaned and dropped his head in his hands.