THE sun beat down on the diamond and the air had dust kicked up from dozens of cleats. Though it was warm, it wasn’t as humid as it would be back in Florida. Most winters, Ruben couldn’t figure out how he’d ended up in Vermont, of all places, but he loved the summers, even if they were too short. He loved the mist on the mountains on quiet mornings and the view from his house of the picturesque lake. Even more than that, he loved the community in this small town and their passion for the local Little League teams.
Ruben looked around at the ring of expectant young faces covered in sweat, all with streaks of dirt embedded into their uniforms. Was there any better sport than baseball? Despite everything that had been dragging him down and his argument with Alan, it hadn’t been hard to throw himself into the scrimmage, not with all these boys looking to him and his assistant coach, Laurie, for direction.
“That was a great scrimmage, guys. You keep that heart when the games begin, and we’ll take this the whole way.”
“Coach Hartner has got real good hitters on his team,” Sammy said as he looked back at Alan’s team, huddled by the other dugout.
“And we have good hitters on ours too. Don’t let him psych you out, now.” Ruben tugged on the bill of Sammy’s cap. “Besides, if you keep pitching the way you do, you’ll leave them swinging at nothing but air.”
“Hey, Coach, you gonna do the game ball this year?” Christian chimed in, setting his glove on his head like a makeshift baseball cap. Ruben refrained from shaking his head as he struck a pose. The kid was a good player when he focused on the game instead of midfield song and dance antics. His biggest hurdle was the need to be constantly doing something.
“Absolutely.” Ruben retrieved one of the balls they’d used in practice, the pristine white of the leather all but gone behind ground-in dirt. He signed it and tossed the ball to Laurie to sign as well. He gave one ball away at the end of every scrimmage and game, and made sure all the kids got one over the course of the season. “Okay, this ball goes to Parker. You’ve showed the most improvement since we started practice and you kept your head in the game today.”
“Wicked!” Parker’s face lit up as he caught the ball, and his teammates congratulated him before racing off to raid the cooler for their drinks and snacks. For a few minutes there was nothing but chaos as parents packed up their folding chairs and tried to get their kids’ equipment sorted out. Ruben glanced across at the other dugout and picked out Alan’s familiar figure as he shoved spare bats into the duffel bag.
Ruben pressed his lips together. He really owed Alan an apology. It seemed like every time he turned around he was fucking up another relationship. He needed to accept the fact that even if he could get Alan to respond to him—and damn he wasn’t blind, he’d seen the heat in Alan’s eyes last night—it didn’t matter.
He had expected Alan’s rejection, but even knowing it was coming, even knowing why, didn’t stop the sting. He’d set himself up for more heartache last night. How long could he be in love with Alan before he realized his friend was never going to return the same feelings? Alan did not want that kind of relationship from him. He needed Ruben to be his friend, not his lover.
Over the past few weeks, he’d felt out of control, pitching wildly in the hope of getting some kind of a reaction out of Alan. If he kept it up, the only thing he’d accomplish would be to make Alan move right on out of his life. He had to get a handle on his life again, one way or another. He had to move on.
“Hey, Coach!”
Both Ruben and Alan turned, and for a moment their eyes met as Ruben’s heart did its funny little dance. Ruben turned toward Sammy, who was running up to him, waving Ruben’s phone. “You got a call.”
Ruben’s heart leaped and he grinned as he heard the familiar tone he’d set for FaceTime with his kids. “Thanks.” He tapped the screen and his daughter’s face appeared, her brown hair caught up in a messy ponytail. “Hey, Pumpkin.”
“Hey, Dad.” Jessica beamed, showing the flash of dimples that she hated. “I’m not bothering you, am I? Do you have a game?”
“This is a perfect time. We just finished a scrimmage against Uncle Alan’s team.”
“Did you win?”
“You know it, though he gave us a good fight.” Ruben walked toward the dugout so he could see her face better without the glare of the sun. “I missed you last night. Were you having fun?” He kept his tone light. He didn’t want to lay any guilt or pressure on her for the missed time.
“Yeah, Jonah spent the night at his dork friend’s house, so Mom took me and the girls out to a movie. It was kinda boring, though. It was so girlie.”
Ruben couldn’t stop the grin. Despite Karen’s best efforts, Jessica was still Jessica, and she was a tomboy down to her toes. He was sure that would change in a few years when she discovered dating, especially with the influence of two older stepsisters she adored, but for now he was glad she was still as rough and tumble as always.
A shadow fell across the doorway, and Ruben glanced up to see Alan’s silhouette blocking the sun. He leaned against the rough wall of the dugout, arms crossed over his chest, and Ruben sensed his gaze on him. He really needed to apologize for how he’d behaved last night.
“Sometimes a little girlishness isn’t a bad thing,” Ruben said, turning his attention back to Jessica. “It’s good for you and your mom to have a little time with your new sisters. So, are you all ready for your trip to London?”
Emotions flickered across Jessica’s face, excitement and guilt, making Ruben want to ease the conflict in her eyes. “Yeah, mostly. I want to go, but I want to see you too. Maybe you could meet us there,” she suggested with a hopeful note in her voice.
“You know I can’t.” Ruben’s heart ached more as Jessica’s face fell. “You’re going to be staying with your aunt. Besides, I wouldn’t have time to get a new coach for the team. Another time we can plan an overseas adventure of our own.”
“I know.” Jessica sighed and flopped back on the bed. “Am I going to get to see you at all this summer?”
“Of course you will. As soon as you land you’ll be heading my way for the rest of the summer. And I’m going to talk to your mom about sneaking a week off in October to go to Disney to make up some of the time. I’ll call her later on today. But if we do that, you’ll have to keep your grades up.”
Ruben was hoping the suggestion wouldn’t lead to an argument with Karen. They both had worked hard to get through their resentments and hurt to present a united front for their kids. And in the past two years he thought they’d managed to become friends again. Still, she wouldn’t like the thought of them taking off school, and he had to get over the thought that he was being taken advantage of before he called her or it could get messy.
They had joint custody, and ever since his surgery it seemed like his time was getting shaved off in little ways. First there was the wedding at the end of last summer that cut the visit short. Then there had been the few days taken off over winter break, so they could get used to the holidays as a blended family. Now they were going to be in London for three weeks of his summer. Ruben got it; sometimes life happened. Still, he wasn’t going to let his time with his kids be whittled away until they became strangers. Sometimes he considered moving back to Tampa.
Alan and the boys flashed in his mind. Damned if he wouldn’t miss them just as much. Maybe a move would be a good idea, though. He would be able to truly share custody. Now that he and Karen got along better, perhaps they could live in the same state without recriminations. And it would be easier to let Alan go.
“I can keep my grades up, and Jonah’s such a nerd you know he’ll be good.”
“Stop calling your brother a nerd and a dork all the time,” Ruben said, and Jessica wrinkled her nose. “Don’t forget, we’re visiting your abuela in August. You’ll be quite a world traveler this year.”
“That’s true.” Jessica’s face lightened from its preteen moodiness. “I gotta go. I have a softball game with my friends, but I’ll call tonight. Tell Uncle Alan and his monster squad I said hi.”
“He’s right here.” Ruben turned the phone around so she could see Alan, and he waved.
“Hey there, Pumpkinhead.”
Ruben looked back at the screen and blew Jessica a kiss. “Have fun at the game, and I’ll talk to you and Jonah tonight.” When the screen went black, the icy bleakness settled over Ruben again. He wasn’t going to have his kids with him for another month.
“What’s this about London?” Alan asked, coming to sit beside him on the bench. “Jonah and Jessica aren’t coming next week?”
Ruben shook his head, turning the phone over and over in his hand. “Karen’s sister is in London for a year, and she invited them to come and spend part of the summer with her. It’s a pretty big deal. Jonah’s going to love all the museums and history, and Jessica is dying to go to a real tea and to see a rugby match.”
As many times as Ruben pointed out all the positive aspects of the trip, his heart just wasn’t buying it. He wanted his time with his kids.
“I’m sorry, Ruben, that blows. I know how much you miss them.”
Ruben’s chest ached at the empathy in Alan’s voice. He always understood when Ruben needed him the most. Ruben should’ve confided in him sooner about the change of plans. It didn’t only affect Ruben—Brett would miss out, too, since he and Jonah were the same age and they usually had a blast together. But talking about it would’ve made the situation undeniably real.
“I feel like a selfish bastard, because I really wanted to say no,” Ruben admitted.
“Understandable, but you didn’t, because you love them and you want them to be happy.” Alan laid his hand over Ruben’s. “I know it’s not the same, but you’re always welcome at our house.”
“Even when I act like a jackass, like I did last night?” Ruben had come on too strong, said too much, and pushed every single one of Alan’s boundaries. He wasn’t sure if it was because he’d gone over there already moody or if Alan’s obvious shame over their past had pushed him to that point. In the light of the morning, he had to remind himself that Alan was a good man. One of those men who took his commitments seriously, and to break that commitment to Cassandra over some hard kisses and heated groping would have been a big deal. It wasn’t that it meant nothing. It just meant couldn’t happen again, in Alan’s mindset.
“You weren’t the only one who acted like a jackass. I shouldn’t have jumped down your throat like that. I was there, I heard them ask you, and you were honest with my kids.” Alan squeezed his hand and then let go, leaving Ruben to miss the warmth of his grip. “It was a knee-jerk reaction on my part.”
Ruben waited to see if he would add anything else, if Alan would discuss what led to that knee-jerk reaction, but his friend remained silent. That made him ache too. “I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I’m sorry I screwed things up for you when I kissed you. I shouldn’t have done it.”
Alan shot him a strange look and then a smile quirked the corner of his lip. “You know, you have said that, but you haven’t actually ever apologized for kissing me.”
Ruben spread his hands and shrugged. “That would’ve been a lie. I might have run away to give us both some space, but I won’t lie to you. I’m not sorry I kissed you. It was an amazing kiss. But if I had been thinking, I wouldn’t have done it.”
Alan frowned and stared at his hands. “Ever?”
“No, not that. But I would’ve waited until we were single. I know you’re not like me, but I still wanted to know if maybe there could’ve been something.”
Alan’s frown deepened, and Ruben waited for him to change the subject. This was the most they’d ever talked about it other than saying it shouldn’t have happened. He rested his elbows on his knees and looked out at the now quiet baseball diamond. It seemed fitting that the conversation should be happening here, in a place that connected their old life with their new one. In the distance he could hear the sound of kids playing on another field. The dust had settled and the air was heavy with the scent of dry grass.
“Did you know then that you were gay?” Alan finally asked, glancing at him sideways.
“I…. I’d known for a while. Knowing it and facing it are two different things.” Ruben took a sip of water from his bottle and grimaced. It had gotten very warm. He hesitated, wondering how much he should share with Alan. He knew his friend hated that he kept things back, but he wasn’t sure how much Alan really wanted to know, despite what he’d said.
“Did you have thoughts about other guys when you were younger?” Alan asked.
“Yeah, but I convinced myself it was a phase and wrong. And I convinced myself that if I ignored them, those thoughts and feelings would go away. For a while, it almost seemed to work.”
Alan’s expression was faraway, and Ruben wondered if he was imagining what it had been like for him then, the fear and shame of being different.
“Realizing how my feelings for you were changing helped me to face who I was,” Ruben admitted. When Alan still didn’t say anything, he continued. “I wanted people to know me, the real me, then if they liked or hated me, at least they liked or hated me for real reasons and not because of some mask I was wearing.”
“I think to those who knew you the best, the change wasn’t all that profound,” Alan said, looking at him, his blue eyes solemn. “You were the same Ruben that threw a scary fastball and an evil knuckleball. You were the same Ruben that enjoys all the old black-and-white movies that you shanghaied me into watching on the road; the same Ruben who loves his kids passionately, who can hold on to a grudge for way too long. And you are the only man I know who can pull off wearing white slacks in the summer without looking like an ex-porn star. Who you were attracted to didn’t change you, even if it changed some people’s perception of you, and it definitely didn’t make you any less my friend.”
Ruben nodded, and though he was grateful for Alan’s support, he was left feeling a bit frustrated, as if Alan wasn’t hearing what he was trying to say.
“I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me or that you had to go to another team after that kiss,” Alan continued. “I didn’t want you to go.”
“You didn’t make me feel like you didn’t want me around, or that I blew our friendship.” Ruben leaned down to zip up the bag at his feet and then looked to see if anything else had been left behind in the dugout. The next team would be coming soon. “I knew that we couldn’t be anything more than friends, and I needed time and space to deal with that. Stupid, I know, but there it is.”
“It’s not stupid, Ruben.”
Alan searched Ruben’s face as silence fell between them, and then he smiled. “I’d always wanted to know what was happening with you when you left for Tampa, what you were thinking about me, how you felt. But I admit, at the time I was a little afraid of the answers. I guess the curiosity has gotten to me lately and I have been pushing you.”
A cautious hope welled up inside of Ruben. He had waited so long to have these conversations with Alan, but every time he’d tried, he’d been blocked. He’d waited for Alan to see him as something more than a friend with whom he’d had the occasional indiscretion.
“You know, I admire you for coming out,” Alan said. “I know it wasn’t an easy decision, and I’m not sure if I could’ve made the same decision if I were in your situation.”
“It was something I needed to do. Living a lie was turning me into somebody I hated.” Ruben glanced at Alan and let his gaze linger on Alan’s face. “Personally, I think you could do anything you set out to do. Look at everything you’ve accomplished in the past two years, what you’ve taken on without whining.”
“I haven’t had time for pity parties.” Alan’s expression became serious. “The only reason I kept it all together is because of you. It can be overwhelming, and when it is, you’re there, calm and collected. It keeps me going.”
“I love you.”
The words slipped out of Ruben without thought and hung in the air like droplets of sun streaming through the shadows of the dugout. Alan grinned and clapped him on the back. “I love you too, man. You know that.”
Once again the moment fell away, as Alan hadn’t heard him. Of course they loved each other, as friends, as brothers; only Ruben meant he was so damn in love with Alan he couldn’t see the end of it. He’d been in love with him for years and nothing had changed it, not leaving or coming back.
Ruben heard cars pulling up and doors slamming as kids tumbled out for the next scrimmage. He got up and slung the equipment bag over his shoulder before grabbing the cooler. “I’m going to the cage for a bit. I can drop off the bat bag for you.”
“I’m grabbing the boys from Miss Sarah’s and then I’m coming by for a few hours since we have that birthday party tomorrow.” Alan grabbed the equipment he’d left outside the dugout. “I’ll set up Matt’s playpen in the office so he can have his nap, if you don’t mind the hooligans being there.”
“You know I don’t.” Ruben started to trudge out of the dugout, and Alan caught his arm.
“Hey, why don’t you come by for dinner again?”
As tempting as the thought was, Ruben knew it would be a bad idea. With the mood he was in, he just might start something with Alan—either another argument or what Alan referred to as “the incidents.” The reckless, on-edge feeling from the night before still had ahold of him. “Not tonight. I need to call Karen and work out a plan for the rest of the summer. See if I can talk her into a mini vacation later on this year.”
“I don’t like the thought of you being there alone.” Alan frowned, his blue eyes darkening. “Not when I know you’re still upset.”
Ruben looked down at Alan’s hand on his arm. It still amazed him how often Alan initiated small touches like this, while seeming to be oblivious to everything else. He couldn’t seem to stop himself from reading too much into things. “It is what it is, Alan. I lived a lie and I hurt Karen, hurt myself. But we did get Jessica and Jonah out of it, and neither of us regret that. Don’t worry about me. I don’t plan on being alone for the rest of my life.”