THE pounding of multiple feet roused Ruben out of a sound sleep. He was lying back against Alan on the couch, his hand over Alan’s arm, which was curled around Ruben’s waist. Alan’s cheek was pressed against the back of Ruben’s shoulder as they spooned. Sleepy instinct had him rubbing back against Alan’s groin, and his friend’s morning wood perked up even more, sending a jolt of pure electricity through Ruben.
Another rush of feet thundered overhead, waking him up fully, and Ruben smiled. He hadn’t been awoken by that kind of a commotion since the last time Jonah and Jessica stayed with him. As details of the night before came filtering through his consciousness, the noise of feet came racing down the stairs.
“Dad?”
Ruben sat up at the sound of Brett’s terrified voice, and behind him Alan stirred. Upstairs, Matt began to wail.
“I’m in the living room, chill out,” Alan called back, his voice husky. “What’s wrong?”
Brett came barreling into the room, followed by Mikey. The panicked confusion on Brett’s face turned to relief when he saw Alan and Ruben on the couch. “I thought you left!”
“Brett, have I ever disappeared on you?” Alan held out his arms, and Brett burrowed into them, for the moment his big-brother cool-guy façade gone under the fears of a little boy who’d already lost one parent. Ruben knew Alan would pay anything to help Brett get over his lingering anxieties.
“No, but I couldn’t find you,” Brett said, his voice muffled against Alan’s shoulder. “You weren’t in your room and it was so quiet.”
Ruben sat up, tugging on the waist of his borrowed sleep pants and caught Alan’s flush when he noticed. What a mixed-up, crazy morning. He ruffled Brett’s hair as if it was no big deal he was there and stood up. He really hoped Alan wouldn’t freak out on him over last night. He could handle Alan pulling back to think things through, but he wasn’t sure he could deal with a “what the fuck did we do” moment.
“Hey, Mikey. I think we’d better get Matt before he upsets Seth,” Ruben said, smiling at the other boy. “Want to help?”
“Guess so.” Mikey glanced at his dad and brother, then gave Ruben a gap-toothed, impish smile. Ruben knew that smile. Mikey wanted a deal. “If I help, will you make blueberry pancakes for breakfast?”
The boys didn’t seem to think it strange at all to find the two of them half-naked, asleep on the couch. Ruben gave Alan a cautious glance, waiting for a negative reaction from him, but so far it wasn’t happening. Alan lifted one shoulder in a shrug and then turned his whole attention to Brett, who still clung to him.
“Maybe. Do we even have blueberries?” Ruben asked as he headed up the stairs with Mikey.
“Uh-huh, Dad bought them yesterday. Uncle Ruben?” Mikey tugged on his hand and stopped on the top tread.
“Yeah?”
“I was a little worried too,” he admitted with a frown. “Sometimes when I hear the door shut and I didn’t know Dad was going outside, it scares me. What if something happens to him?”
Oh boy. Ruben’s heart ached for Mikey and Brett both. And like Alan, he wished he could do or say something that would make it all better.
“Stop it!” Seth yelled at Matt from the bedroom. “Wanna sleep! Bad Matt.”
Ruben peeked into Matt and Seth’s room. Seth had half buried himself under the blankets with his hands over his ears, glaring at Matt, who was standing in his crib, still screaming. He stopped crying when he saw Ruben and began jumping up and down. “Bad! Bad! Bad!”
Ruben crouched down and looked at Mikey straight in the eye. “I know it’s scary because of your mom, Mikey. But your dad is going to do everything he can to make sure he stays with you guys. That’s why he quit baseball, because as much as he loves the game, he loves you even more.”
Mikey looked thoughtful at that. “Yeah, Dad really loves baseball.”
“Exactly.” Ruben smiled. “So, he’s doing the best job he can do to take care of himself and you boys. And I promise you, no matter what happens, he’ll make sure you are taken care of and loved, okay?”
“Okay.” Mikey grinned at him. “Sooo… pancakes?”
“Bad! Ba—” Matt stopped his chant and lifted his arms. “P’cakes? Up! Unca up!”
“You know, I’m very curious about your brother’s favorite word.” Ruben eyeballed Seth and Mikey as he picked up Matt, who laid his head on Ruben’s shoulder. “You might want to stop telling him he’s bad all the time.”
“But he is!” Mikey protested. “He’s always taking my toys.”
“And he screams.” Seth sat up with a grumpy expression.
“I seem to remember one of you flushing my car keys down the toilet when you were Matt’s age.” Ruben pointed at Seth, then turned his finger on Mikey. “Then another one of you flipping over the couch and breaking the new TV. Matt’s being a boy, just the way you were being boys. You’re going to give him a complex if you keep telling him he’s bad.”
Mikey and Seth exchanged looks and Mikey sighed with childlike exasperation. “Fine. We won’t tell him he’s being bad when he’s bad. We’ll let Dad tell him.”
Ruben’s lips twitched as he tried to hold back a smile. “Fair enough.”
Seth huffed, lay back down, and pulled the blankets up to his chin. “It’s not wake-up time.”
“Pancakes?” Mikey asked. “Please? With extra blueberries?”
Ruben laughed and motioned to the door. “Fine, hooligans, you win. Now go turn on the coffeepot while I get Matt cleaned up, and then we can make pancakes.”
“Whoo-hoo!” Mikey took off and bolted down the stairs. Seth groaned and curled into a ball, turning his back to Ruben and Matt.
“Not hungry. Wanna sleep.”
Ruben left him alone. The smell of breakfast cooking would get Seth up without an argument. He took his time getting Matt cleaned and dressed to give Alan a chance to talk to Brett. At least that was what he told himself. The reality was, he was uncertain. He didn’t know how Alan would react to what had happened the night before, or to the boys finding them this morning. He wasn’t sure if this changed anything between them or not.
He wanted a change, wanted to feel like he wasn’t stuck in limbo any longer. Only, he had the feeling that despite what had happened, Alan wasn’t all that keen on change. He seemed happy with the way things were.
Ruben made his way downstairs, holding Matt’s hand, only half listening to his babble. Alan had pulled on his shirt, and he tossed Ruben his when he came into the living room. Alan’s cheeks reddened again, and he looked away. “Mornin’, Matt.”
“Blocks!” Matt toddled off to his pile of cardboard building blocks with an absent wave to his dad. From the kitchen, Ruben heard sounds of silverware clattering and the scent of brewing coffee.
“He has his priorities,” Ruben said to break the silence between them.
“Apparently.”
“How’s Brett?” Ruben asked as he tugged on his shirt.
“Better. I wish he wasn’t so anxious. I don’t know how else I can help him.” Alan glanced toward the kitchen. “He’s afraid he’s going to forget about Cassandra.”
“You won’t let that happen.” Ruben sat next to him and tried not to read too much into it when Alan shifted. “Mikey admitted he gets worried, too, about something happening to you. I think the only thing you really can do is give them as much stability and support as possible, which you already do.”
“Yeah.” Alan scrubbed a hand through his hair, and it seemed like he was avoiding meeting Ruben’s gaze. “They get a lot of that from you, not just me.”
“I love them. They’re family to me as much as Jessica and Jonah.” He loved Alan, but Alan didn’t seem to hear those words past the friendship level.
“They love you too,” Alan said softly, his brows still drawn together in concern.
“Have you given any thought to trying counseling again? I know they went for a bit those first several months, but it might not be a bad idea to send Brett and Mikey back,” Ruben suggested.
“I have thought about it. They didn’t like the last guy much. Maybe they’ll respond better to someone different.”
“It can’t hurt.” Ruben wanted to touch him, to slide his arm around Alan’s shoulders to give him what comfort he could, but he settled for bumping his knee to Alan’s in silent support.
Alan glanced at him, his gaze unreadable. “Brett wanted to know if you were coming over for another sleepover.”
A chill gripped Ruben when Alan looked away again, fiddling with a crayon left behind on the coffee table. “What did you say?” he asked, trying to make his voice sound as normal as possible.
“I said I didn’t know, but probably not before your trip.” Alan cast him a sideways glance.
That was honest, Ruben could appreciate that, and he owed Alan the same honesty in return. “Alan, I don’t know if I can pretend nothing happened and go back to the way we were.”
Panic flickered across Alan’s face, and then he nodded, still rolling the crayon around with the tip of his finger. “I need to think about it. We can talk when you get back. Okay?”
Ruben took a deep breath and then let it out in a rush. It wasn’t a “hell no” or even a shutout. Time to think was not too much to ask for. He knew the exact struggle Alan was having about who he was and what he wanted. Besides, last night Alan had admitted that their first kiss had meant something. Ruben had waited years to hear that; he could wait a little longer. “Okay. Do you want me to leave?”
“Are you crazy?” Alan gestured toward the kitchen as he gave Ruben a mock glare. “The boys would declare mutiny if I tried to make the pancakes. No way are you leaving.”
“Aye-aye, Captain.” Ruben allowed himself to relax when the rejection he’d feared didn’t happen.
“Seriously, though,” Alan said as he glanced at him again with a look of entreaty. “I don’t want you to go. We’ll figure this out.”
“Okay.” This time Ruben smiled and stood up. “Well, then, I’d better get started before they really get hungry. I’ll take the pancakes if you’ll cook the bacon.”