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Two hours later, the sobs were still coming; I took ragged breaths and tried to dam the flood of tears that seemed to have no end. Pulling myself off the bed, I walked across the room to the vanity table, where I grabbed a handful of tissues and plopped down on the faded flowered cushion. Glancing at myself in the mirror, I was aghast at the train wreck staring back at me.
My blonde hair, which I’d casually swept up in a messy bun that morning, was now sprawling haphazardly in every direction. Some of the strands escaped and were plastered to my tear-soaked cheeks. I pushed them back, mortified at my pathetic appearance. My eyes were swollen and puffy from crying, and I looked like I’d been punched in the face. I swallowed over the lump in my throat that seemed to have taken up permanent residence.
Nothing could have ever prepared me for finding out that Bridget was Sam’s daughter. Never in a million years did I think I would see Sam again, let alone babysit his child. I hadn’t laid eyes on the man in over ten years, but seeing him again made me feel as if no time had passed.
I finally understood why I’d been drawn to Bridget from the first time I saw her. She was identical to Sam in nearly every way, and I was shocked I hadn’t picked up on it sooner. Or maybe I had on some level, and I had just refused to admit it to myself. Sam, my true love. The words played over and over in my mind, the image of him walking into the kitchen stuck on repeat in my brain. I couldn’t believe I’d seen him again. It was like a bad dream.
I had to admit that time had been more than kind to Sam. He’d been a good-looking boy, but he’d grown into an exquisitely handsome man. He wore his white-blond hair a little longer than when he was young, but the wildness of it suited him. His thin, wiry teenage body had been replaced by the physique of a hardworking man. His shoulders were wider, his arms were muscular, and the only trace of the boy I used to know was in his baby-blue eyes that still sparkled like the ocean on a sunny day. The same eyes that had widened in surprise when he saw me standing in his kitchen with his daughter; the very same eyes in which I used to get lost, where once upon a time I saw my future.
How was it possible that I hadn’t known Sam lived in his parents’ old house? Kelsey had lost touch with things around Woodridge once her parents moved, but it seemed crazy that no one mentioned Sam and his family lived next door to my mother. His family. Those words caused my mind to race in a thousand different directions. The last I heard, Sam and Annie had planned to be married after graduation, and I’d always just assumed they’d lived happily ever after with their baby. Sam had always been adamant that he never intended to stay in Woodridge, and once I heard his parents’ house was for sale, I made the assumption that he had left town.
Bridget was Sam and Annie’s daughter, the baby conceived because of their one-night stand. Bridget, the little girl I’d come to adore, was the daughter of the woman who I’d once blamed for ruining my life. Although my feelings toward Annie had mellowed a bit over the years, she was still a sore spot in my mind. It was a lot to wrap my head around.
It seemed like the hits just kept on coming in my world. Every day there was some new battle for me to fight, and I didn’t know how much more I could take. Fresh tears began to fall and my body shook with sobs. Without another thought, I grabbed my phone and dialed Kelsey’s number. She picked up on the third ring, but I was crying so hard I couldn’t speak.
“Hope... honey... is that you? Are you there?” Kelsey’s concerned voice was like a giant hug reaching right through the phone line.
“I... saw... him....” I tried to get the words out, but I was practically hyperventilating. I knew I was making no sense.
“Saw who? Hope, take five deep breaths with me, come on....” My patient best friend breathed in and out on the other end of the line, and I followed. After the fifth breath I’d finally gained a little composure.
“Sam. I saw Sam.” At the mention of his name, my voice quivered and it took all the effort I had to hold it together. “He lives next door. I met his daughter, but I didn’t know she was his daughter.... I like spending time with her.... What am I going to do?”
Through ragged breaths, I managed to explain the situation to Kelsey, who listened sympathetically while I broke down once again. After talking me off the ledge for the third time, she dove right into Mama Bear mode and gave me the “tough love” pep talk I so obviously needed.
“You, my dear, are going to suck it up and pull yourself together. You are a strong woman, Hope West. You’re stronger than you’ve ever given yourself credit for. You will not allow yourself to fall apart. Your mom needs you, and look at all the progress you’ve made since you went home. Are you going to let the fact that Sam lives next door destroy all of that? I’ll answer for you... no, you’re not.”
“I know, Kel. It’s just... I never expected to see him again. It’s hard enough that he’s in control of my brain, and now he lives next door? With his wife and daughter? It’s a little much, don’t you think?” I blew out an exasperated breath.
“Well, you could just avoid him. Right?” She had a logical answer for everything. My feelings were anything but logical.
“I could, but what about Bridget? We’ve gotten really close. That wouldn’t be fair to her. She’s just a kid. None of this is her fault.”
“What about Annie? What’s she like after all this time? She always was a wild child. I can’t imagine her as a mother.” My loyal best friend had never liked Annie. She wasn’t the only one.
“Honestly, I have no idea. It’s the strangest thing. Bridget never talks about her, and I haven’t ever seen her. She must work a lot. I was only in the kitchen today at Sam’s house, so I didn’t get the chance to look around. I didn’t see any photos or anything. I hope she got old and ugly.” I laughed at my own mean thoughts, realizing that I sounded like a bratty kid when I said it.
“Well, she never was as pretty as you, anyhow. Sam certainly messed up when he lost you.”
“Thanks, Kel, but we both messed up, me more than him. When are you coming to see me? I really need you now.”
“Soon. Within the next couple of weeks. I’m arranging my schedule as we speak. In the meantime, just take it one day at a time, sweetie. Call if you need me.”
“Okay, love you.” I hung up the phone and took a deep breath. I needed to explain things to Mom, who must have been wondering what was wrong with me.
I went downstairs and found her sitting on the living room couch quietly flipping through a magazine. She glanced up and patted the seat beside her; I obediently sat down. She put her arm around me, and I laid my exhausted head on her shoulder while I told her the whole story, this time not leaving anything out.
If Mom was surprised by my revelation about Sam being my first love, she didn’t let on. I was beginning to understand that there was more to my mom than I’d ever imagined. I had a feeling she’d known all along that Sam and I were in love.
“That’s why you warned me to be careful today, isn’t it?” Realization dawned on me.
“Yes. I had no idea that you were friends with Bridget and June, and I wasn’t sure whether or not you knew Sam was Bridget’s father. I didn’t want to be the one to tell you, but now I wish I had. At least you wouldn’t have been caught off guard this afternoon.” Mom’s face was full of sadness.
“How long has Sam been back? I thought he must have moved away after his parents died.”
“He did. The house was on the market for about a year after his parents died in the car accident, but it never sold. Sam was living in Seattle, working on a fishing boat, but decided to move back to town and live in the house himself, I guess. Bridget was just a tiny little thing when they moved in. I don’t really talk to him much, but he is a nice young man. He helps me with yard work and things around the house every once in a while. I’m sorry I never mentioned it to you.”
“This is a lot for me to take in. I don’t think you understand how much he meant to me, Mom. I’ll never love anyone the way I loved him. That was the root of all the problems I had with Jonathan. He always knew he couldn’t compete with Sam, even though he had no idea who he was.”
“I might understand more than you think, Hope. I’ve always heard that you never really get over your first love, and I believe that might be true.”
This seemed like the perfect opportunity to ask about Max, but I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I didn’t. I wanted to know all I could about Sam and Annie, but I wasn’t sure if Mom had all the answers.
“So... June... is Annie’s mom?” As I said the words, a sinking feeling settled in my stomach.
“Yes, she is. But there’s something else you should know about Annie—” Mom started.
I cut her off. “No more tonight, Mom. I think I’ve experienced all that I can process right now.” I was having a hard time handling the fact that June, the kind woman I adored, was the mother of the girl I once blamed for taking Sam away from me. It was hard to believe that the wild, reckless Annie I remembered could be June’s daughter or Bridget’s mother. Maybe motherhood had changed her. June obviously had no idea about my past with Sam. I couldn’t imagine she would want Sam’s old girlfriend around her granddaughter. Annie had never liked me, so I wouldn’t be her first choice of a companion for her child either.
There were so many unanswered questions, but my mind and body were too exhausted to ponder them all at that moment. Even though it was still early, all I wanted to do was sleep away the pain.
“I’m beat, Mom. I’m going to shower and go to bed now. I’ll see you in the morning.” I kissed her good night, took a quick shower, and crawled into bed. Before turning out the bedside lamp, I glanced out the window toward Sam’s house next door. I saw a shadow move behind the curtains of the upstairs bedroom and I wondered if he was thinking of me like I was thinking of him.
