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The next afternoon, Mom was in her bedroom napping and I was at the kitchen table working on my book. I yawned, feeling like I’d been awake for days on end. I’d slept fitfully the night before and awakened early, unable to keep thoughts of Sam out of my head long enough to rest. So I started writing, hopeful that my characters would distract me. So far, I’d managed to write five more chapters, but I still couldn’t stop thinking about Sam and Bridget.
I knew the entire situation was basically impossible. There was no easy answer. I was too attached to Bridget to simply pretend she didn’t exist, but once Annie learned of our friendship, I was sure she would forbid Bridget to speak to me. Even if she didn’t, I had no idea how I could be around Bridget, knowing Sam was her father. If I did run into him again, I wouldn’t be able to conceal my feelings. My love for him would be written all over my face, obvious for the entire world to see.
I sighed, stopped typing, and rubbed my swollen eyes. They were still stinging from the hours of crying I’d done last night. I decided I needed more coffee, and was just about to brew a fresh pot when I heard someone knocking. I should have looked before I answered, but I didn’t. I opened the front door, receiving a fresh punch in the gut when I saw Sam standing on the other side.
He smiled, but it was a smile filled with sadness. I’d always been able to read his thoughts, and I was astonished to find that I still could. I felt the despair inside him, so palpable that I could almost reach out and grab it. His emotions perfectly mirrored my own.
“Hope.” Sam said my name, and it was as intimate as if he’d touched me. I wanted nothing more than to throw myself into his arms and tell him I loved him, but that was impossible.
“Sam, what can I do for you?” My voice sounded dead to my ears, and I marveled at how well I’d been able to conceal my feelings.
“I know you were just as surprised to see me as I was to see you yesterday. I had no idea you were back in town.” Sam shifted nervously, chewing his lip the way he’d done when we were young. My arms ached to reach out and hold him.
“Yes, I’ve been back for a while now. I’m here to take care of my mother. She’s ill.” My voice was a monotone, conveying nothing of the turmoil inside me.
“I know. I’m sure she’s glad to have you here.” He cleared his throat, and his voice wavered. “There’s so much to say.... I don’t even know where to start....”
“Bridget is a lovely little girl. You and Annie must be so proud.” I interrupted him before he could continue down the path that would lead to nothing but more heartbreak for me.
“Yes... we... I... am proud of her. She’s pretty incredible. She’s my whole world, really.” Sam’s face brightened at the mention of Bridget, and I knew he cared for her tremendously. I was glad. She deserved to have parents who loved her. Nothing about this messed up situation was her fault.
“Well, it looks like you have everything you ever wanted. I’m really happy for your family, Sam.” I felt myself die a little bit more inside as I said the words out loud.
“I came over to see if we could talk, Hope. There are things you need to know.” Sam’s eyes met mine and I felt my resolve begin to crumble. I knew it was time to end this conversation before I said something that would embarrass us both.
“No, Sam, I don’t think we need to talk. It seems to me that life has worked out just fine for you, so let’s leave the past where it belongs. We’ve both moved on.” My eyes filled with tears, and I knew I couldn’t hold them back much longer.
“There are things I need to say, Hope. Things I should have said years ago. You don’t need to say anything. Just listen.”
“Sam... I can’t... hear those things. You don’t understand....” To my dismay, large tears began to fall one by one down my face.
He reached out and tentatively wiped them away, and I shuddered at his touch. Like a magnet, my body was drawn to his and the next thing I knew, I was wrapped tightly in his arms. He was everything familiar to me, and for a moment, I pretended things were different. I closed my eyes and breathed in his scent, picturing the two of us happily in the future we’d wanted.
I tipped my face up and his fingers caressed my cheek. What was I doing? I knew I had to put a stop to this before I completely forgot the fact that he was no longer mine. “I need you to go home, Sam. Go home where you belong.”
His face crumpled at my words, and for a moment, I feared the unshed tears in his eyes would break free. I could not watch his tears fall, so with one last glance, I stepped away from him and shut the door, breaking the connection between us. I saw his shadow through the curtains. He didn’t leave; instead, his shoulders slumped and began to shake, and I knew he was crying.
I turned my back to the door and leaned against it, my legs giving out as I slid to the floor. When I looked at Sam, I wanted nothing more than to turn back the clock to that night long ago when I made the biggest mistake of my life. If I could do it all again, I’d never let him go. But I couldn’t change things, and I wondered if I would ever get past it.
After a few minutes, his heavy footsteps retreated, and I stood up, wiping my face on my sleeve. I was so restless; I wanted to go outside for some fresh air. However, the chance of running into Sam, Bridget, or worst of all, Annie, made me realize that was a bad idea. I was trapped inside the house.
Mom was asleep, so on impulse I went up to the attic, grabbed the box with my personal items inside, and carried it to my room. Opening the lid, I reached inside and took out a handful of photographs. I smiled as I saw images of Kelsey and me hamming it up for the camera.
I reached back into the box and pulled out one of my leather-bound yearbooks. Glancing at the date on the cover, I saw that it was from my freshman year of high school; the year I officially fell in love with Sam. I flipped through the pages and was transported back in time.
I traced my fingertip over a photo of us sitting next to each other in the school cafeteria. We hadn’t known our picture was being taken, so neither of us was facing the camera. We were holding hands, and only had eyes for each other. Seeing how much in love we had been was like a knife in my chest.
I’d known Sam all my life; after all, we were neighbors. We said hello to each other and made small talk if we passed in the hallway, but he was always just another guy. The summer between eighth and ninth grade, though, something happened. He went away for the summer, and when he returned, I saw him in a whole new way. He seemed older, more mature, and I couldn’t believe I’d never noticed how cute he was before.
I confided in Kelsey that I was interested in Sam, and she swore to keep my secret. I admired him from afar the first few weeks of school, doodling his name on my notebooks and trying to catch his eye as we passed each other between classes. I was shy, and Sam was popular; it seemed to me we were a pretty unlikely match, and I doubted if he even knew I was alive. I would sit on my front porch, hoping he’d say something to me when he was outside. He smiled, but that was it. We never spoke.
At the first dance of the school year, my one and only goal was to get Samuel Mooney to notice me. I spent extra time on my hair and makeup. Mom wasn’t willing to shell out any money for a new dress, so Kelsey, who was about four inches shorter than me, told me I could borrow one of hers. I stood in the corner of the high school gym, tugging on the purple dress that covered much less of my long legs than it did her petite ones. I knew it looked good on me, but I wasn’t used to exposing so much skin. I’d dressed at the Norwoods’, thankfully, knowing Mom would never let me out of the house in it. Kelsey assured me that I looked great, and I was just hoping Sam would look at me.
I stood beside her and watched Sam across the room as he laughed and joked with his friends. I silently begged him to notice me, and amazingly, it seemed to work. He looked my direction and made his way across the floor to where I stood. My heart thudded in my chest and my palms dripped with sweat; I couldn’t believe my luck. I’d wished for him to ask me to dance, and there he was!
This was the moment I’d been waiting for. I smiled widely at him, ready to answer “Yes!” when he asked me to dance; the word was just sitting there on the tip of my tongue. To my utter dismay, Sam asked my best friend to dance instead. The color drained from her face as she looked helplessly at me, knowing how much I liked him. I loved her more than anyone else in the world, and I could never be mad at her, no matter how much it hurt that Sam asked her instead of me. So, I swallowed my pride and smiled encouragingly at her, even though I really wanted to run away crying.
As they walked to the dance floor, I held back tears of frustration and embarrassment. Of course Sam would ask her to dance. She was a fun, bubbly ball of energy. Everyone loved her. In contrast, I was awkward and shy; most people didn’t even know I existed. I watched Sam and Kelsey sway to the music as they talked animatedly, glancing occasionally in my direction. I pretended to pick lint off my dress, needing something to do with my hands while I tried extra hard not to look as pathetic as I felt.
When the song ended, Sam glanced my way, said something to her, and returned to his friends. She strode swiftly toward me with a mile-wide grin on her face. I also plastered on a smile, not wanting her to know how hurt I was.
“Before you pretend you’re happy for me, just listen.” Kelsey, who knew me all too well, didn’t let me get a word out.
“Listen to what?” I had no idea what she was talking about.
“He likes you.” The smile on Kelsey’s face was so big I thought it would swallow her whole.
“Who likes me? What are you talking about?”
“Sam, you dope. He likes you, not me. He was too shy to ask you to dance without knowing if you’d say yes or no. So he pumped me for information about you.” Kelsey giggled and I thought for sure I was hearing things.
“Samuel Mooney likes me? He asked you about me? What did you tell him?” My heart beat wildly in my chest, and I felt like I’d just won the lottery.
“I told him if he asked you to dance you’d say yes. So he said on the next slow song he would.” Kelsey talked a mile a minute and my brain struggled to keep up. “So don’t chicken out when he comes over.”
I nodded numbly as I heard the fast song end and a slow one begin. Sure enough, he walked toward me, a nervous smile on his handsome face. I gulped, telling the butterflies in my stomach to be still, and smiled back at him.
“Hope, will you dance with me?” Sam’s voice, which was usually strong and steady, shook with nervousness.
“I’d love to, Sam.” I was glad I sounded more confident than I actually felt.
He took my hand and led me to an empty spot on the dance floor. I felt lightheaded as he put his arms around my waist. Instinctively, I placed mine around his neck. We began to sway back and forth and I was certain my knees would give out. Luckily, they didn’t.
“I’m glad you said yes. I’ve wanted to talk to you for a really long time, but I didn’t figure a girl as pretty and smart as you would give me a second look.” His eyes locked onto mine, and my nervousness vanished.
“I’m glad you asked, because I’ve wanted to talk to you for a really long time, too.” I couldn’t tear my gaze away from his if my life depended on it.
Sam and I danced to every song that night. It was the beginning of an intense friendship that quickly turned into a once-in-a-lifetime love. We were inseparable after that. Over the next three years, our love grew into something that I’d been hoping to find again ever since. I knew that Sam was it for me, which was why all these years later, I’d never figured out how to get over him.
