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Looking at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t believe what I saw. Kelsey was a magician. She’d rummaged through my closet until she found sleek black jeans, which she’d paired with a low-cut red silk blouse. Black boots, a chunky silver necklace, and silver bangle bracelets completed the look. I’d been living in yoga pants and sweatshirts, so I felt a bit out of my element.
Kelsey used the flat iron on my long, wavy hair, and the result was impressive. My honey-colored tresses were silky, smooth, and shiny. She’d also expertly applied my makeup, and the completed look took me by surprise.
“You, my dear, are stunning.” Kelsey stepped back and surveyed me from across the room. She let out a whistle, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I have to agree with you, Kel. I look pretty darn good, thanks to you.”
“It was a piece of cake. You’re gorgeous to begin with, so I really couldn’t go wrong. Sam is going to have to pick his jaw up off the floor when he sees you. Annie is going to wish she was you.”
“I shouldn’t be so worried about impressing him, but I am. It’s so wrong to feel that way about someone else’s husband, but he was mine first. He should be married to me right now, and he would be if I hadn’t been such an idiot.” I blew out a frustrated breath. “I’m nervous. I hope I don’t make a fool of myself tonight. I’ve been kicking myself all afternoon for agreeing to this.”
“Your best bet is to say as little as possible. You should let me direct the conversation, that way you won’t say something embarrassing to Annie or Sam.” Kelsey hooked the strap on her shoe and informed me she was ready to go. “Just smile and nod. You can’t go wrong with that.”
Kelsey and I made sure Mom was settled in front of the television, giving her strict instructions to call us immediately if she needed anything. As I leaned down to kiss her good-bye, Mom patted my cheek and said, “Good luck, honey. I’m sure tonight is going to turn out just fine. You’ll see.”
“Nothing good can possibly come out of tonight. It was a mistake for me to agree to this.” I smiled nervously at her.
We hadn’t talked any more about my feelings for Sam, but she knew how much he meant to me. Come to think of it, she’d never mentioned Annie either. It was all very strange. She had an unusual, serene look on her face this evening, like she knew something she wasn’t telling me. I wondered what it meant. She really seemed sure that things were going to go better than I thought they would at dinner, but I had a hard time believing it would be anything less than disastrous.
I took a deep breath as Kelsey rang Sam’s doorbell. Flashbacks ran through my mind of that horrible day Sam had told me Annie was pregnant. It was the worst day of my life, and I was about to see the result of it played out before my eyes. My mom was crazy to think this could ever turn out well.
Bridget answered the door, and she looked adorable in her yellow-and-white polka-dot dress and Mary Janes. I reminded myself that I was doing this for her. She was the only reason I was going through with this. I’d never seen her in a dress before, and I thought it was sweet that she’d put one on for me.
“Bridget, this is my best friend, Kelsey.” I introduced the two and noticed that Bridget seemed shy with Kelsey. Funny, she’d never been that way when we met. I remembered June telling me that it was rare for her to feel comfortable with strangers.
“Nice to meet you, Bridget. I have four little boys, so being around a pretty girl like you is a breath of fresh air. I’ll bet you won’t put any frogs on my seat at the dinner table, will you?” Kelsey laughed and Bridget gasped.
“Do your sons really do that to you?” Bridget asked with wide eyes.
“Oh, honey, they do that and more. But I love them anyhow.” I could tell that as soon as the shyness wore off, the two of them would get along just fine.
Just then, Sam joined us at the front door and my heart nearly stopped. He certainly cleaned up nicely in his khaki pants and navy button-up shirt that brought out the blue of his eyes. He smelled like soap and aftershave, and the scent was intoxicating. His blond hair looked as if he’d spent extra time styling it, but it still had that slightly wild, rumpled look I loved. My fingers itched to reach out and tangle into it, so I stuffed my hands in my pockets to resist the urge.
“Hope, you look amazing.” When he said my name, I felt like the world stopped turning on its axis. Sam gave me tunnel vision; I couldn’t see anything but him when he was in the room. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I knew he’d paid me a compliment and I should thank him, but I was incapable of speech. Thankfully, Kelsey came to my rescue.
“Sam, it’s so great to see you. It’s been too long! Thanks for having us over.” Kelsey and Sam embraced, exchanged pleasantries, and gave me a chance to regain my composure.
I congratulated myself on not passing out. So far, I was doing all right, but I hadn’t yet seen Annie. That would be the real test of my fortitude. Sam and Bridget led us into the living room where we all sat down.
“Dinner should be ready in a few minutes. I made clam linguine.” Sam looked right at me as he spoke the words.
“Clam linguine—my favorite. You remembered.” I couldn’t believe he’d gone to the trouble of making my favorite meal.
“Of course I remembered. I haven’t forgotten a thing.” His words hung in air that suddenly seemed charged with electricity. I cleared my throat and tried to think of something to say in response, but nothing came to me.
Instead, I took in my surroundings. It was a lived-in room, not fancy, but neat. The black leather couches and black-and-white photographs of nautical scenes spoke of Sam’s taste. I wondered if Annie had the same decorating preferences, because so far I saw nothing to indicate a feminine presence in the house. Photographs of Sam and Bridget through the years adorned the walls, but I noticed that Annie was not in any of them. I’d known for a while that something was wrong. Where was Annie? What had happened between the two of them after I left town? An uncomfortable gnawing began in my stomach.
“Kelsey, would you like to come see my bedroom? Daddy and I just painted it purple. That’s my favorite color.” Bridget spoke quietly.
“I’d love to, honey. I’ll bet you keep it neat as a pin, too. Oh, the differences between little boys and little girls. Let’s go.” Kelsey allowed herself to be led upstairs by Bridget, leaving Sam and me in the room alone. It was awkward, to say the least.
I cleared my throat twice. “Can I help you with dinner?” I hoped he would say yes, so I’d have something to occupy myself with.
“Sure, let’s go.” Following Sam down the hallway toward the kitchen, I noticed more photographs of Sam and Bridget, but still none of Annie. Now I knew for certain that something was wrong. There wasn’t a trace of her in the house.
Sam went to the counter and began slicing up a French baguette. One glance around the room told me he had dinner completely under control. It was obvious that he didn’t need my help at all. Bridget and Kelsey were still upstairs, and I was more confused than ever about why I hadn’t seen Annie. I decided to just ask the dreaded question.
“Sam, where’s Annie?” I didn’t sugarcoat my words, but instead went straight to the point.
“I’m not sure what you mean.” He laid the knife down on the cutting board and walked across the room to where I was standing, confusion on his face.
“Annie. Your wife. Bridget’s mother.” It was frustrating that he was making me explain the obvious.
“Annie....” Sam raked his hands through his hair in a nervous gesture I recognized from when he was a teenager. “Hope, Annie’s dead.”
The words fell like a lead balloon in the room. Nothing could have surprised me more. Annie was dead? I didn’t understand. Annie was only twenty-eight years old, the same age as me. How could she be dead? It didn’t make any sense.
“I... I... am sorry... I don’t understand,” I stammered, looking helplessly at Sam.
“Annie has been dead for ten years, Hope. She died giving birth to Bridget.” Sam spoke matter-of-factly, obviously surprised that I didn’t know.
“I need to sit down.” My knees buckled as I collapsed onto a barstool.
“I just thought you knew. I didn’t realize... you thought....” Sam seemed to be as much at a loss for words as I was.
“I didn’t know. How could I? No one ever told me anything about you. I thought you and Annie got married after graduation and lived happily ever after somewhere. I didn’t know you were right here or that she was... dead.” It was difficult for me to say the word.
I suddenly felt awful for every mean thought I’d ever had about Annie. I’d disliked her for so long, never realizing that she lost her life at such a young age. No one deserved that. Poor Bridget had grown up without a mother. No wonder she didn’t want to talk about it when I asked her. She’d never even known her at all. And Sam had the responsibility of raising the little girl alone. Thankfully they had June; sweet June, who’d lost her daughter so young. This was what Mom had been trying to tell me.
I was a horrible person. Here I’d been wishing that Annie was old and ugly and she’d never even made it past the age of eighteen. I’d dressed up hoping to make her jealous of me, and she was dead.
“I’m sorry this is such a shock to you. I honestly thought you knew. Is that why you’ve been avoiding me? Because you thought I was married to Annie?”
“Well, yeah. I knew I couldn’t bear to see the two of you together, happily married.” I rose from the stool, feeling like I needed to run, but knowing I had to hear the story.
“Hope.” Sam pulled me toward him.
He was only inches away and everything inside me screamed to reach out and touch him. Tentatively, I lifted my hand and caressed his cheek. I’d loved this man for as long as I could remember. I’d wished every day that we could be together, and now there was nothing standing between us.
Ever so slowly, Sam’s face drew closer to mine, and I inhaled his achingly familiar scent. He put his arm around me, pulling me to him. Placing both of his hands on my face, he lowered his lips to mine. It was a whisper of a kiss that quickly caught fire.
On instinct, I tangled my fingers into Sam’s hair, holding on for dear life, just as I’d done hundreds of times when we were young. He backed me up until we ran into the counter, but still we didn’t stop. I tasted him; I drank him in like a woman who was finally feasting after a famine. Time stopped and nothing in the world mattered except his lips on mine. I didn’t let go; I never wanted to let go of him again.
“Something is certainly cooking in this kitchen.” Kelsey’s voice from the doorway sent us both crashing back to reality. I pulled away from Sam, smoothing my clothing and hair self-consciously.
I was mortified that his daughter had just seen us kissing. Sam, on the other hand, had a mile-wide grin on his face. He didn’t look embarrassed in the least. Bridget smiled happily at her father and gave me her all-knowing look. I was beginning to think the two of them were conspiring against me.
“Um, yeah, dinner is ready, ladies. Let’s eat.” Sam led us into the dining room.
There was no possible way I could eat, not after what just happened. But I remembered that he had worked hard to make my favorite meal, and I knew I had to try. It would be rude not to eat what he’d prepared specifically for me.
I took a few bites of the clam linguine, which tasted delicious. Sam was an excellent cook, but he always had been. I wasn’t in the mood for conversation, and was thankful that Kelsey kept up a steady stream of chatter throughout the meal. She kept us entertained with stories of her sons’ shenanigans, asked Bridget questions about school, and reminisced with Sam.
Kelsey kept glancing my way, certainly as confused as I had been about Annie’s mysterious absence, but she didn’t bring it up. She would be shocked when I told her the story. Throughout dinner I said very little, but my mind roared loudly.
Sam kept looking at me, trying to meet my eyes. I was still reeling from our kiss in his kitchen. If Kelsey and Bridget hadn’t come in, I’m sure we would have done more than just kiss. That was the very last thing I’d ever imagined would happen tonight. I did my best to avoid looking at him, knowing how transparent I was. He’d always been able to read my thoughts, and right now I didn’t want him to.
I was so confused about everything I’d learned tonight. I still loved him; that was a given. From the kiss we’d shared, I gathered he still felt something for me. For the last ten years, Annie had been the obstacle standing in the way of Sam and me being together, but now I knew that was no longer the case. Jonathan wasn’t an obstacle either. At least, he wouldn’t be as soon as I convinced him to sign the divorce papers.
Nothing at all was standing in the way of Sam and me being together. Instead of making me happy, though, the reality terrified me. I’d always heard the saying, “Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.” I never truly understood its meaning until that very moment.
We finished dinner, and after Sam’s refusal to let us help him clean up, Kelsey and I decided it was time to go. I needed to get away from him, so I could clear my head and figure out what on earth I was going to do. I also needed to tell Kelsey what I’d found out about Annie. I was counting on her levelheadedness to help me put it all into perspective.
Sam and Bridget walked us outside. Bridget asked Kelsey if she wanted to see her tree house and the pair took off, leaving the two of us alone once again. Now I knew for sure that Bridget was plotting to get her dad alone with me. If I hadn’t been so conflicted, I would have thought it was pretty cute.
My phone buzzed loudly inside my purse, and I checked it immediately, worried it might be Mom. It wasn’t; instead, it was Jonathan. I clicked Decline and sent him straight to voice mail. The man just refused to give up. He was the last person I wanted to deal with tonight.
“I’m glad you came over.” Sam put his hand on my arm, and that simple touch felt so intimate. The pull between the two of us was magnetic, and ten years apart had done nothing to diminish its power. It took every ounce of strength I had not to give in again.
“Thank you for dinner. It was delicious. You always were such a great cook. It was sweet of you to make my favorite meal.”
“You know I’d do anything for you. I know the news about Annie was a shock. That was a rotten way for you to find out.”
“Yeah, I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it, I think. I didn’t say it before, but I’m really sorry for your loss, Sam. That must have been hard on you.”
“The whole situation was hard. You know better than anyone that things with me and Annie were anything but ideal. She loved me and I loved you. It was bound to fail, but we wanted to do the right thing for our daughter. Annie didn’t deserve to die so young. It’s been really hard for Bridget, growing up without a mother. I do my best, but I don’t know how to be a mom.” The sadness on his face twisted my heart.
“You’re a great father, Sam. That’s obvious. Bridget is a lucky little girl to have you.”
“I’m the lucky one.” He cleared his throat, and I could tell he wasn’t finished talking. “I just want you to know I’m so sorry I hurt you all those years ago. It killed me to know what I did to you. The guilt is something I’ve lived with every day for the last ten years.”
“Honestly, as much as I blamed you, it was my fault. I pushed you away. I accused you of something you’d never even done. I guess it was all meant to be, though, because look at what came out of it. You got Bridget.”
“Yeah, she’s amazing. But a big part of me can’t help but wish things were different. I’d never give up having her, but I wish I hadn’t hurt you in the process.” He traced my cheek with his fingertip.
“I’ve wished every single day that things were different, but they aren’t. I think we both need to accept that.” Tears stung my eyes and I tried to blink them back, but they fell anyway.
He leaned toward me and I knew he was going to kiss me again. As much as I wanted it, I couldn’t let it happen. There were too many things I had to sort out in my heart, and kissing him again would just complicate it. Besides, I was still hurt over what happened with Annie, and I didn’t know if I could ever get past that. I was so afraid to trust my feelings for Sam again. I was terrified of being hurt if I did. Kissing him earlier had been a mistake, but it was one I couldn’t make again. I needed to be strong. I had enough on my plate right now, and jumping into a relationship that had the potential to completely destroy me if it didn’t work out was too big of a risk.
Despite my best efforts, Sam pulled me closer to him. My body betrayed me, and I let him. He leaned into me and gently pushed my hair away from my ear. I tingled from head to toe as I felt his hot breath on my neck. He inhaled deeply, and just when I thought he was going to kiss me again, he instead placed his lips to my ear and said, “I’ll love you forever, Hope. You and me against the world, remember?”
My knees went weak and my tummy flipped. He’d said those exact words to me a million times, but I’d never dreamed I would hear them again. It seemed to be everything I wanted, but somehow I just couldn’t let go of the past. “Sam... I can’t.... I have to go.” I reluctantly tore myself away from him, although my body ached to do the opposite.
I called good-bye to Bridget and began walking home. I glanced back briefly and he was just standing there, looking as if he’d lost his best friend. I wanted to turn around and run back into his arms. I wanted to tell him that nothing mattered except the way we still felt about each other. As much as I wanted to, though, I didn’t. I just kept walking away from him. Kelsey strode briskly to catch up to me.
“What gives, Hope? What’s going on?” Kelsey looked at me, confusion written all over her face.
I led her to the porch swing where we both sat. “Annie’s dead, Kel.” The words were difficult to say, but I didn’t have the energy to do anything except blurt them out.
“What? When? I know I lost touch with Woodridge after my parents and I moved away, but I would have thought we would have heard about that.” Kelsey’s face crinkled.
“I don’t understand either. I think Mom tried to tell me a couple of times, but I never listened. It’s like Annie’s death was just swept under the rug. I’m sure June must have been devastated, and I can’t imagine what Sam went through as a single dad.” I sighed.
“What am I going to do? I still love him, and he made it clear that he feels the same way about me. What do I do with that?”
“What do you want to do? The answer seems pretty obvious.”
“I don’t know what I want, and the answer is anything but obvious to me. I want Sam. I want things to be the way they were before he slept with Annie. But I can’t have that, can I? I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get past that. I want to, but I’m not sure I can. What if we try again and I lose him a second time? I don’t think I could take that.”
“It’s a lot to digest for one night, sweetie. Let’s get some rest. Things will look better in the morning.”
As I lay in bed with darkness settling in all around me, I was more confused than ever. I loved Sam so much, and kissing him tonight felt like coming home. Nothing was standing between us any more except my feelings, but that seemed like a huge crevasse I could never cross. It was easier to be angry with him, however irrational that anger was. It was easier to long for something I couldn’t have. It was easier to mourn for all that we’d lost. The hard part was allowing myself to be vulnerable again, and as much as I wanted to, I didn’t know if I could do that.
