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Three days later I paced back and forth beside Mom’s bed in her hospital room. Things had been going so well, and then last night, she spiked a high fever and I rushed her to the emergency room. Her blood count was off, and she was burning up. She was slipping in and out of consciousness as her body did its best to fight off the germs. With her weakened immune system, it was difficult.
Dr. Riddles warned me months ago that when he lost a patient, it usually wasn’t due to the cancer itself. More often, it was because an infection would settle in and the compromised immune system was unable to do its job efficiently.
I glanced at Mom, who lay nearly motionless in the hospital bed. She’d been drifting in and out for the past few hours, and I knew she was in a great deal of pain. I felt desperate, helpless, and very much alone. There was nothing I could do to make things better, no way to fix the situation for her.
I was aware that chemotherapy had risks, but up until now, Mom had been lucky. Yes, she’d lost her hair, fought off nearly constant nausea, and had dropped so much weight she was practically a skeleton. But until last night, she hadn’t spiked a significantly high fever, even though I knew it was common. I knew the fever put her very much in the danger zone. She was literally fighting for her life.
I’d spent last night sitting in the chair beside her bed, praying that God wouldn’t take her away from me. We’d been robbed of so much time together, and it seemed cruel that she might not make it now that we’d finally found one another.
There was nothing for me to do except wait and pray. Dr. Riddles had told me they could give her medicine to help with the infection, but it was really just a waiting game to see if it would work. So much of it would depend on Mom’s will to keep fighting.
“Hope, you should go home and sleep.” I was exhausted from the sleepless night, and I’d just dozed off in the chair when I heard her voice.
“You’re awake.” I leaned over and felt her forehead, a smile breaking out on my face when I realized it was much cooler than it had been earlier. I didn’t want to get too excited, but it seemed that her fever was breaking. I pushed the call button for the nurse, who quickly came in and took her temperature, nodding to confirm my suspicions.
“Your fever is going down, Mom. That’s great news.” I helped her take a sip of her water.
“Did you hear me?” Mom repeated. “I said you should go home and rest. You’re going to get sick yourself.”
“That’s not going to happen. I’m not about to leave you here alone.” I shook my head, determination on my face.
“She won’t be alone.”
Mom and I both turned toward the doorway. I was shocked when Will walked in the room.
Mom’s face, which was already pale, turned the same color as the white sheet that covered her body. She looked desperately toward me, but I was just as surprised to see him there as she was.
“Max.” Mom’s hands fluttered to her head, self-consciously patting the handkerchief that covered her bald scalp. “You shouldn’t be here.”
“There’s nowhere else on earth that I should be, Maggie.” He knelt down beside Mom’s hospital bed, and took her small hands into his large ones. My eyes filled with tears, and I knew I was witnessing one of life’s rare, pure, beautiful moments.
He continued. “I didn’t fight for you all those years ago, but I won’t be making that mistake again. I love you, Maggie, and the only way you’ll be getting rid of me is if you can look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t feel the same way.”
“Max, I don’t want you to see me... like... this.” Mom motioned helplessly at her head and her frail body.
“I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in all my life.”
Mom looked at me and my eyes brimmed with tears as I nodded in encouragement. “Happiness is right there, Mom. Reach out and grab it.”
She smiled at me and then turned back to the man she’d loved for years. “Isn’t she something, that daughter of ours?”
“She certainly is. I think she must have the very best parts of both of us.” The two of them reached out and grabbed my hands, forming a circle. Our family; it was everything I’d ever wanted, but something I thought I’d never have.
“I won’t be leaving your mother’s side, so you should go home and rest, Hope. That’s my first order as your father.” He chuckled.
“But what if something goes wrong? I should be here.” I’d been glued to her side for months, and I was nervous about leaving her.
“That’s part of being a family, honey. No one should have to bear the burden alone.” He practically shooed me out of the room as I hugged them both good-bye.
Driving home, I thought of the roller coaster ride I’d been on lately. Just when I thought I’d seen it all, something else happened. Seeing my parents together was surreal, but the love they had for one another was so obvious. I didn’t know what was ahead for them, but I was glad that all their skeletons were finally out of the closet. Wading through the pool of secrets that constructed my life was an exhausting venture, and I hoped I’d finally reached the other side.
It was amazing to see how unconditionally my parents still loved one another after all these years. After all the obstacles life had thrown in their path, they had somehow found their way back to each other. Few people had a love that was strong enough to overcome all the things they had. I used to believe that Sam and I had that kind of love, but these days I wasn’t sure.
I had avoided him since Kelsey and I’d had dinner at his house. He’d called me several times, but I never answered. Taking a chance and starting over was a hard thing to do. I’d done it with Mom and was attempting to do it with my dad. It was difficult, but somehow I’d managed. With Sam, the fear went even deeper, and I honestly didn’t know if I could let myself be that vulnerable again. After the fallout because of Annie’s pregnancy, I understood that I was the one who had destroyed our future together. What I didn’t understand was why Sam had run to Annie that night. If he loved me, how could he sleep with her? Maybe I had no claim to him at that point, but it still hurt that he’d slept with her. Although I accepted responsibility for what I’d done to him, I wasn’t sure if I was brave enough to give our love a second chance.
The truth of the matter was that I’d single-handedly destroyed my world, and I’d never forgiven myself for it. If I were honest, I knew Sam had suffered too, possibly even more than I had. After all, both of our decisions set into motion the domino effect that ultimately made him a father. Bridget and Sam were a packaged deal, and as much as I loved him, my love for his daughter made it impossible to just walk away. It also made the stakes much higher.
For a large portion of my life, I’d blamed Sam for my unhappiness. I blamed him because I couldn’t love Jonathan. I blamed him for the fact that he had a child and I’d lost mine. I blamed him for years and years of loneliness, when in fact, those things were never his fault. I was the one in charge of my life, not Sam. The choices I’d made were because of me, not him.
For too long, I had placed my entire life’s happiness and disappointment in the hands of a teenage boy. Of course, now I knew that was ridiculous. No one was responsible for my happiness except me. With sudden clarity, I understood that it was time to finally let it all go. I still loved Sam, and he’d made it clear that he still loved me. The only person standing between me and the future I wanted was me, and it had been that way all along.
Mom and Dad were getting their happy ending, and maybe it wasn’t too late for me and Sam. I would go to him and tell him I wanted a second chance. I would fight for my future instead of allowing it to slip through my fingers once again. Resolve settled in. I wouldn’t wait a moment longer.
I pulled into the driveway and noticed an unfamiliar car. I wondered who it could be, but no one was inside of it. I quickly parked my car and got out, feeling uneasy. Anger bubbled inside as a familiar figure walked around the side of the house.
“Jonathan. What are you doing here?” I didn’t even try to disguise the animosity in my voice.
“That’s no way to greet me, is it? I missed you, Hope. I brought you something.” Jonathan placed a small box in my hands, but I didn’t open it.
“You’re delusional. You’re not welcome here.” I shoved the box back at him, refusing to hold it a second longer. I knew it would be another expensive gift, probably jewelry from the size and shape of the box. He seemed to think he could buy my forgiveness, but he couldn’t have been more wrong.
“You won’t answer my calls. You ignore my texts. You even returned the gifts I sent you. So I flew out here to see you. What was I supposed to do?”
“You’re supposed to leave me alone. That’s what divorced people do, Jonathan.”
“But we’re not divorced yet.”
“We would be if you’d just sign the papers!” I raised my voice as anger and rage spilled out. “You did this. You had an affair, not me. I miscarried our child because of the stress you put on me.”
“Don’t be so self-righteous, Hope. We both know that I may have been the one who had an affair, but you were unfaithful to me in your heart from the day we met.” He spat the words at me, and I took a step back.
I’d never seen him so angry in all the years I’d known him. His face grew redder by the second, and his hands were balled up in fists at his sides. I backed away and he pursued. Feeling the car behind me, I knew I was cornered. There was nowhere for me to go, and I was actually afraid of him.
“You need to calm down. Traveling across the country to yell at me isn’t going to change my mind. We are finished.” I stood my ground, even though I was starting to panic.
“We will never be over!” He raised his voice even more. He was yelling so loudly that I knew he could probably be heard down the street.
Glancing past him, I saw Sam approaching. Things were about to go from bad to worse. I looked helplessly at Sam, warning him with my eyes to go away, but he continued walking toward us.
“What seems to be the problem here?” His voice startled Jonathan, who backed away from me and turned around to face him. The two men stood in the driveway, sizing each other up.
“There’s no problem. You should go back home and mind your own business.” Jonathan sneered at Sam, even though he had no idea who he was. He’d never met Sam; he’d only ever heard about him.
“Well now, you’ve made it my business by yelling so loudly that all the neighbors can hear. So I’ll ask you again, what seems to be the problem?” Sam was angry, and I saw him clench and unclench his jaw.
“I don’t have a problem. This is between me and my wife.” Jonathan glanced back at me with a look of smug satisfaction on his face, as if he’d just cemented the fact that I belonged to him.
“Your wife?” Sam looked at me and his face transformed from angry to hurt. I knew what he must think. He had no idea I was married, and in that moment, I had no way of explaining the real story to him.
“Yes, my wife. Now if you’ll excuse us.” Jonathan turned his back on Sam and faced me again.
“Hope, is this true? Is this man your husband?” Sam spoke quietly. I didn’t answer for a minute. I wasn’t sure what to say. After all, Jonathan was legally still my husband.
“Sam, you don’t understand. We’re getting—” I started to explain, but he turned away from me. Without another word, he walked briskly back home, went inside, and slammed the door so loudly the sound reverberated through the neighborhood.
Now I was angry. How dare Jonathan come here and cause a scene! It was time to put an end to this insanity once and for all.
“It’s time for you to leave, Jonathan. You and I are over. We should never have been together to begin with. You know it as well as I do. I don’t love you. I do not love you. I never did. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I cannot say it any more clearly than that. Sign the papers. Go away, and stay out of my life!” My voice trembled as I yelled louder than I ever had before. He was still standing in front of me and I pushed him away from me. I stumbled as I walked away from him, and he reached out to steady me, but I shook his hand off me. “Do not touch me. Ever again.”
I’d never spoken to Jonathan like that, but he’d never given me any reason to do so until then. I was shocked at his behavior today. In all the years I’d known him, I’d never been afraid of him, and I was through being afraid of life.
Shame washed over Jonathan’s face, and I knew I’d finally gotten through to him. He backed away from me and walked to his car. Only minutes before, his face had been contorted in anger; now he just looked sad. Before getting inside he looked at me. “I’m sorry I came here today. I’m sorry I yelled at you. I just... love you, Hope. I always have. And I messed it all up.”
“This isn’t completely your fault. I know I never gave you what you needed, and I’ll be the first to admit it. We just weren’t right for each other from the beginning. But we had a lot of good years, and we were always friends. You were there for me when I needed someone, and you helped me grow up. Let’s just leave it at that, okay? Let’s part on good terms, knowing that we served a purpose in each other’s lives, but that purpose is over.” I spoke the words that were in my heart, knowing that they were true.
“Hope... I... okay. I’ll sign the papers as soon as I get back. Just promise me one thing?” Jonathan’s eyes met mine.
“What?”
“Promise me that you will hunt down the ghost that’s haunted you all these years. Find Sam. He’s very much a part of you. Find him and tell him you love him. It doesn’t even matter if he doesn’t feel the same way anymore. You’ll never be free until you do. Good-bye, Hope.” With that, he got into his car and drove away. I knew it was the last time I’d ever see him.
Jonathan’s words played over and over in my mind as I stood in the driveway. Find Sam. Tell him you love him. You’ll never be free until you do. He’d never spoken words that were truer, and I finally understood. Without a second’s hesitation, I ran next door and banged loudly on Sam’s front door. He opened it, but he didn’t look at all happy to see me. I knew I had to explain about my marriage.
“What do you need, Hope? Does your husband know you’re here?”
“If you’ll just let me explain, Sam—”
“I’m sorry, but I need to get Bridget from school and take her shopping for some new shoes. She’s grown out of everything she has. I really don’t have time for this conversation right now. If you’ll excuse me....” Sam pushed the door shut, but I threw out my hand to stop it.
“Sam, just listen to me.”
“No, Hope, I don’t think I will. You know, I’ve always thought we belonged together. For me, there’s never really been anyone but you. I can see that wasn’t the case for you. You should go now, before your husband comes looking for you.” He closed the door without another word, but the devastation on his face was obvious.
I walked back home, my heart a heavy lump inside my chest. I was beginning to believe that Sam and I might never be together. Life just kept throwing one obstacle after another between us. Just when I thought nothing was in our way, another hurdle appeared that we had to jump over, and I was tired of jumping. Maybe it was time to just accept the fact that no matter how much we loved each other, we weren’t meant to end up together. Maybe fate was telling me to wake up and move on with my life.
