THE BASKETBALL ROLLED across the floor. Kelly watched it for a few moments then walked stiffly to pick it up before handing it back to Jason. ‘This has all happened so fast. It’s all so new. Too new.’
Too new for all she might have to face in the coming months. She didn’t even know if she had the strength to cope with it. Maybe because she understood what was coming. Jason might have good intentions, but he was clueless. She didn’t want to lean on him, trust him, then find it was all too much and she was on her own again, worse off than she would have been if she’d been standing on her own two feet.
She knew he was angry with her, but she had to make him see.
‘You haven’t thought this through,’ she told him. ‘If the tests come back positive, there’ll be chemo or radiation treatment—quite possibly surgery. I’ll be ill all the time, no energy to do anything. Not much fun in that. And, if it is the worst-case scenario, my chances of surviving and living a long and happy life might be slim. All treatment can do is extend the time I have left. Can you really handle that?’
She’d never seen Jason look so serious. He was completely still, staring back at her, and she watched the colour drain from his face. ‘Maybe.’
Maybe wasn’t good enough. Not now.
A few days ago she’d have taken maybe and run with it, but things had changed.
‘And what if I let you into my life? How close are we going to get? Are you going to move in and look after me when I’m throwing up and my hair is falling out in handfuls? Are you going to want me if I only have scar tissue where I once used to have breasts?’
She knew these were hard truths, but if he really wanted to be with her he was going to have to deal with them.
‘Will you take on my boys if one day I’m not here anymore?’
He opened his mouth and shut it again.
That was what she’d thought.
He shook his head, rested his elbows on his desk and put his head in his hands. A second later his whole body shuddered, and her heart went out to him. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. But he had to understand what he was asking her to gamble and why it was too much.
He peeled his hands from his face and looked up at her. ‘But I’m falling in love with you.’
Kelly closed her eyes. The hits just kept on coming. And here was another one: she knew the moment the words came out of his mouth that she could reply in kind. But it wasn’t enough. Cancer killed more than bodies; it killed relationships, hope, dreams. She and Jason would become just another set of casualties.
She walked over to him, slid onto his lap, put her arms round him and rested her forehead against his. Then she kissed him, slowly and sweetly, all the while feeling tears threaten at the backs of her eyes. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered. ‘Thank you for wanting to do this… .’
He pulled her closer until their bodies were crushed against each other’s. ‘You don’t know anything for sure yet.’ He moved his head back to look at her. ‘Let me in, Kelly. Let me try …’
The earnestness in his eyes was more than she could handle. A tear slid down each cheek. ‘Maybe,’ she said hoarsely. ‘Maybe when the tests are done, if everything is looking good …’
But she knew she was lying. This was the kiss of death to whatever had started between them. There’d be no going back afterwards. Even though she understood how much of a step this was for him, a small part of her would always resent him for not being able to step up to the plate when the time had come. A larger part would fear for what would happen if he was faced with the same dilemma in the future.
He sighed. ‘Okay … good.’ And then he lifted her off his lap and set her on her feet. ‘But we’ve got a lot to do this week if we’re really going to knock McGrath’s socks off with our shoes. We can’t spend all day necking in my office chair.’ He smiled at her, his usual nothing-touches-me smile, but there was a dullness in his eyes and a tightness in his jaw. Kelly’s stomach rolled.
He knew she was lying too.
Jason slid into the lukewarm water, welcoming the familiar smell of chlorine, and began to swim. This was his fourth time in the pool this week and it was only Thursday morning. That was a hell of a lot of thinking he’d had to do, and he still hadn’t come up with any answers.
During those countless laps he’d thought a lot about what Kelly had said to him on Monday morning. He hadn’t been able to give her a definitive yes when she’d flung all those hard questions at him but, the more he thought about it, the more he wondered if anyone would have been able to give her the words she wanted. It had been a lot to deal with in one go. Like a cannon blast to the chest. No wonder he’d wobbled. That had definitely not been the moment for a quick, breezy, Sure! It’ll be fine! Those were some serious questions she’d asked him.
And she’d chickened out of giving him the time to seriously consider them.
He reached the far end of the pool, performed an effortless turn and relished the way his muscles knew exactly what to do, how natural it still was, even after all these years. This had always been his refuge when the people around him started driving him crazy. Swimming was pure, delightful simplicity.
He rolled over and changed to the backstroke, keeping his focus on the large fluorescent lights suspended from the ceiling on chains. His mind drifted back to Brad, to his father, to the accident. It had done that a lot while he’d been swimming this week and he wasn’t sure why. What had that to do with Kelly and the mess he found himself in right now?
But, as he continued to swim, lap after lap, stroke after stroke, things began to sort themselves into an order inside his head. He started to be able to look back on his twenty-two-year-old self and work out what made him tick, how he’d coped with the guilt and pain his dumb stunt had caused. Or, how he hadn’t coped with it. How it had been too much to deal with so he’d just … checked out.
He’d taken a step back from life, from his relationships, from caring about anything. And maybe that had been selfish, but it had also been the only way he could claw his way through it. And he couldn’t bring himself to say he’d been wrong. Kelly had done the same thing after finding that lump in the shower. It was a natural reaction—to flinch away from the thing that hurt you.
He slowed his pace and changed to the breaststroke, needed the slower rhythm to help his thinking.
But a flinch was supposed to be a momentary thing—not a lifestyle. No, his mistake had been that he’d never checked back in again. He’d chosen to live his life on the margins, and now he looked back on a decade he’d thought had been filled with carefree fun and good times and saw nothing but alienation and emptiness.
He put his feet down and stood on the bottom of the pool, then he walked to the edge and used his arms to haul himself out of the water in one fluid motion. As he headed for the changing rooms, one of the swimming coaches for the kids’ classes sidled up to him. ‘You’re really good,’ she said. She might have even batted her lashes a little bit, but Jason didn’t really notice. ‘You should be a pro.’
Jason nodded absently and carried on his way.
Yes, maybe he should be a pro. But that was just another thing to add to the list of things he should be.
And top of that list?
He should be with Kelly.
He arrived at the office half an hour later with his hair still damp and the faint, and not altogether unpleasant, sting of chlorine in his eyes. Kelly was nowhere to be seen, but a quick check of his smart phone revealed she was running late due to childcare issues. He texted back and told her to take the rest of the day off. She could probably do with the break, and he knew he could too.
On the surface everything was fine. They were polite, professional, grown-up.
He and Kelly were boss and PA again, working as a team, and everything was going smoothly on that front. But there were no more fireworks in the office. They were being nice to each other, and they’d never been nice to each other. He hated it.
He opened his office door to find Julie sitting in his chair behind his desk, a crisp white envelope in her hand. She didn’t look very pleased to see him.
She stood up, slapped the envelope down on the oak surface and crossed her arms.
Really? Again?
‘Julie …’ he began.
She shook her head. ‘You knew the deal and you decided you couldn’t keep it in your trousers.’
Jason’s mouth dropped open. Not because of how his HR manager had spoken to him, but because he really hadn’t dated anyone at work since their last conversation.
‘You’re wrong,’ he said, not even pretending to look sheepish. She wanted a fight? Well, he’d give her a fight! Turned out he was just in the mood.
‘Oh, yes? Then why was your PA down in my office yesterday afternoon, trying to subtly ask—and failing, I might add—to be moved to another department?’
Jason must have looked as dumbfounded as he felt because Julie cocked her head to one side and studied his reaction closely.
‘I don’t know why she came to see you,’ he said. ‘But it is categorically not because I slept with her.’ Not for want of trying on at least a couple of occasions, but no point telling Julie that now.
She narrowed her eyes. ‘Then why has Kelly got that look?’
He didn’t know what she was talking about. ‘What look?’
And Kelly wanted to leave him? To move to another department? The thought made him sick. Not just because he wouldn’t see her every day anymore but because it surely didn’t bode well for any future relationship. She was already pulling away. Something deep down inside started to ache.
Crap. This was why he didn’t like to care about anything. Because it hurt so freakin’ much!
Julie snorted. ‘I’ve seen enough of your casualties to recognise it, believe me, so don’t you try and tell me …’ She trailed off mid-sentence and just stared at him, her eyes widening.
‘You too?’ she said, shaking her head. ‘It’s finally happened, hasn’t it?’
Jason couldn’t do anything but let out a couple of pints of air and then nod his head.
Julie’s arms fell by her sides. ‘And it’s got you good, by the looks of it!’
He just sighed and looked at his shoes. He didn’t do conversations about feelings, especially not with a woman half the staff thought was a flesh-eating robot.
She stood up and walked over to him, laid a hand on his arm. ‘So why do the two of you look as if the world’s about to end if you both feel the same way?’
He kept his head bowed but twisted it to look at her. ‘It’s complicated.’
Julie gave him a half-smile. ‘It always is, sweetheart. Don’t ever believe it won’t be, but it’s worth it.’ She lowered her voice. ‘And is she worth it?’
Jason closed his eyes. There was this odd tight feeling behind them that was most uncomfortable. ‘Yes,’ he whispered. She was worth everything. With difficulty, he opened his eyes again and focused on Julie. ‘But you know my track record better than anyone. I think it’s scared her off. But I’ve changed, Julie, really I have.’
Her smile spread to the other side of her mouth too. ‘Yes, I think you might have.’ And then she withdrew the hand that had been gently resting on his forearm and used it to punch him in the bicep.
‘Ow.’
Julie just chuckled. ‘So prove you’ve changed. Do something that’ll leave her in no doubt. You’re a smart guy … You’ll come up with something.’
And then she collected her envelope from his desk, tucked it into her pocket and walked towards the door.
Jason hadn’t seen this view for at least three years, but here he was, standing on the twenty-fifth floor, staring out across the Manhattan skyline, the Hearst Tower looming large off to the right. Five minutes, his father’s PA had said. Jason wondered if dear old Dad would make him wait ten before he let him in.
Much to his surprise, the door to his father’s office opened after three. Jason turned from where he’d been staring out of the window, ready to see the look of complete indifference in the man’s eyes. His father wasn’t one for effusive demonstrations. Anything above a frown would probably be considered a warm welcome.
Jefferson Knight nodded at his son and indicated for him to enter his domain. ‘It’s been a long time, Jason.’ He paused a moment and the threat of a scowl pinched his features. ‘Everything is all right at Aspire, I hope?’
‘Everything is fine,’ Jason said lightly, and sat down in a comfortable leather chair without waiting to be asked. ‘In fact, it’s more than all right. Dale McGrath is ready to sign on the dotted line to endorse the Mercury shoe line.’
His father had been preparing to sit in his office chair, but he paused momentarily before allowing his butt to hit the seat. ‘Really? I’d heard he knocked you back.’
Jason shrugged. ‘I talked him round.’
The edges of his father’s eyes crinkled just slightly. ‘That’s quite a coup.’
Jason had waited years to see that look. It was the same look he wore when Brad finished well in a race or he saw a story about him in the paper. But somehow he didn’t feel jubilant he’d finally proved the old man wrong, that ‘the look’ was finally directed at him. All he felt was hollow and empty. And he hadn’t told his father the whole truth, either.
‘Actually, I couldn’t have done it without the help of my new PA. She’s turning out to be quite an asset, even though she’s only temping for us at present.’
His father pressed his palms together and spread his fingers. ‘Then I hope you’re going to make her position permanent. The company is nothing without the people behind it, Jason. I’ve always told you that.’
He nodded. Partly because, after a few years of heading up a business himself, Jason suddenly understood the wisdom of his father’s much-repeated expression, and partly because he was sidestepping telling him that he probably wouldn’t offer Kelly a permanent position. Not unless things changed. He had a feeling she wouldn’t accept, even if he did.
Stupid thing number one he wasn’t going to own up to. How many more was he going to chalk up before the meeting was over?
His father leant back in his chair and regarded him carefully. ‘You didn’t come all this way to tell me about Dale McGrath,’ he said. ‘What’s really on your mind?’
Jason swallowed. As always, his father didn’t miss a trick. Of course, he’d have expected his son to trumpet his success in an email or a glossy report his father could pass out to the shareholders. When had Jason last delivered a piece of good news in person? Man to man. Because that was what they were now, he realised, not omnipotent parent and approval-seeking child.
He looked down at his hands, which were resting casually in his lap. ‘I wanted to apologise, Dad. For a lot of things … For not making the time to see you and Mom when I’ve been in the city.’ He looked up to check his father’s expression. The older man had gone very still and his grey-blue eyes were fixed intently on his son. ‘I’m sorry that I haven’t always been the son you’ve wanted me to be, that it’s taken me a long time to learn some hard lessons.’
‘Jason …’
‘No, Dad. Let me finish.’ He inhaled and looked his father in the eye. ‘Most of all I’m sorry for what happened to Brad—for what I did to Brad—and for how it tore our family apart.’
His father nodded slowly. ‘Thank you for saying that, Jason. I’ve been waiting a long time to hear it.’
Jason exhaled. He’d never said it before, had he? Had never shown any true remorse to his family. At first he’d been too busy soaking in self-pity, and after that too busy fooling the world he didn’t care. How had he been so thoughtless and so shallow? No wonder his father despised him.
He uncrossed his legs and sat up a little straighter in the chair.
His father stared back at him for what seemed like an age. Well, what had he been expecting? That his father would pull him into a bear hug and tell him all was forgiven? At least he’d said what he’d come here to say. At least he’d started the process of reconciliation. How far they got down that road wouldn’t only be up to him.
But then his father lifted his chin and spoke again. ‘You’re right. I haven’t always been proud of some of the choices you’ve made. You have a way of pushing against any kind of authority that makes it very difficult to get close, and I know you’ve sensed that I found it easier to get along with your brother than I have with you.’
Jason couldn’t find the words to respond. From his father’s lips that was almost both an apology and an admission of guilt.
‘But you’ve proved me wrong and done well with Aspire,’ his father continued. ‘And I appreciate you coming and talking to me face to face, saying what you’ve said. It can’t have been easy …’
‘Maybe this can be a fresh start,’ Jason said and, as he did so, he thought of Kelly. This development, as well as the McGrath deal, was down to her too. He wished she was here with him. He’d have loved to see her butt heads with the stubborn old goat. He reckoned his father would like Kelly. A lot.
His father picked up his phone and dialled. ‘Then I’d better call your mother,’ he said. ‘If she finds out you’ve been to see me and I didn’t invite you for dinner, neither of our lives will be worth living.’
And then he smiled. He actually smiled.
Jason couldn’t help grinning back.
Jason had disappeared from the office on Friday at lunchtime and if Kelly had thought not having to see him every day, not having to pretend everything was fine and dandy when she was really aching to touch him would be easier, then she was wrong. She hated herself for being so weak.
You’ve got to get over this, girl, she told herself. You need all your strength for Monday when you go to the hospital for the first round of tests. You can’t let him sap you like this.
She swore out loud, realising she’d happily told the computer, no, she didn’t want to save the document she’d been working on all afternoon. Damn Jason. Damn, damn Jason!
Kelly sighed and rested one elbow on her desk and dropped her head onto her hand. It really wasn’t Jason’s fault she’d fallen for him. He hadn’t done anything—apart from being sexy and funny and amazing, of course.
God, men! They were always doing the opposite of what you wanted them to. Want them to stay and they leave. Want them to be a good father and they could only be a crappy one. Want them to be the perfect, no strings, rebound fling and they go and break your heart! It so wasn’t fair.
She shook her head and stared at her computer screen. The little clock in the corner said it was only just past three. Her boss had disappeared off to heaven knew where. She was going home. And if she got fired, that’d be the least of her worries. She could pick the boys up early and Chloe could claw some of her afternoon back for herself.
When she got to Chloe and Dan’s she discovered that her brother was also home and messing around in the greenhouse he kept at the bottom of the garden. Kelly was still fired up about the stupidity of the male species in general, so she decided she might as well put it to good use. She marched down the lawn and stepped into the sweltering heat of the eight-by-ten glass structure.
Dan turned round, took one look at his sister’s face and sighed. ‘What now?’
‘You’re being a pig-headed wally,’ she told him.
He blinked. ‘Don’t hold back, sis. Tell me how you really feel.’
She glowered at him. ‘You’ve got an amazing woman back there,’ she said, jerking her thumb at the house. ‘And you’re making her really unhappy.’
Dan’s expression became stony. ‘What goes on between me and my wife is none of your business.’
‘You’re shutting her out!’ she said in exasperation. ‘I know you’re scared witless—hell, we’re all scared of something—but at least share that with her. Let her help you. That’s what people who love each other are supposed to do.’
He raised his eyebrows and tipped his head to one side. ‘Really? You want to go there?’
‘Oh, shut up,’ she told him. Why did her stupid brother have to pick right now to start making sense?
She sighed and shook her head. ‘Just talk to her, will you? Tell her how you’re feeling, admit that you’re scared. She’ll understand that after a cot death any parent would be scared to try again, but you can’t stop living your life, doing what makes you happy just because there’s the possibility of something bad happening …’ She trailed off. ‘Oh …’
‘Yes, oh . . .’ Dan said and turned his attention back to the straggly little plant he was trying to pot. ‘That’s the thing about greenhouses … Stone-throwing is a hazardous pastime.’