Guilty guilty guilty.
Horrid horrid horrid.
I was a horrid person. I should feel guilty.
I was also SO angry.
Why did she keep going on about Guy? Why did they keep teasing me about him? I just wanted a boy to like me, one that I liked too. It was such a normal thing to want – why did they keep barging in? All judgy? If they were so judgy about this, then imagine how awful they’d be if I ever told them about me.
I wormed my way through the crowd. I needed to get out of that stuffy cafeteria.
I imagined my friends’ reactions to me… I got mad just picturing it.
What Amber would say
“Oh, Evelyn, snap out of it. Just don’t wash your hands – simple.”
What Lottie would say
“Sorry, Evie, we were going to invite you, but you can’t…handle that sort of thing, can you?”
What everyone always says
“Pull yourself together.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“You’re only doing it for attention.”
“Just stop. It’s easy.”
By the time I stepped out into the cold night air, I was almost gasping. I ran around the corner of the cafeteria and found a dark patch. I leaned against the wall and took five giant breaths.
In, out, in, out. Come on, Eves, don’t cry now. Remember what Sarah said… If you get into the habit of falling apart, it’s a hard habit to break.
Stupid Sarah. Stupid Sarah with her stupid normal brain. I hated her.
I dropped my back against the wall, sliding downwards until I sat on the cold wet grass.
Don’t cry. I wasn’t even sure why I was upset.
“Well, fancy seeing you here.”
I jumped at the voice. His voice. Guy’s angular face emerged from the blackness.
“Guy, you scared the hell out of me.”
He walked closer, more of him coming visible as the lights from inside hit him. He had a roll-up hanging out his mouth and a can of beer in his hand.
“What are you doing sitting here by yourself?”
I looked around. I was basically in a hole in the wall – I could’ve asked for a PIN number and dispensed cash. There was no reasonable reason to be wedged into a hole in the college wall on a Saturday night.
I answered truthfully. “Hiding from the world.”
He smiled – a sad one – and sat down next to me, putting the can of beer between us.
“And why would you want to do that? You seemed to be having a good night…” His voice trailed off. It was as sad as his smile. He picked up the beer and offered me the can. I shook my head.
“I’ve had enough.”
“Fair enough.”
“Ethan kissed me. I didn’t really know what was going on.”
A slight nod of his head showed he’d heard it. He didn’t answer. Not right away. He stubbed out his cigarette and took a swig of beer – looking out into the blackness.
I couldn’t help but stare at the side of his face – it was mesmerizing. I’d already forgotten all about yelling at Amber, and wondering what Lottie was up to, and stressing about my malfunctioning brain. When I looked at Guy, it was like my brain was on a dimmer switch and the rest of the world was twisted down to mute.
Finally, he spoke. “I wish I didn’t care.”
“You care?”
Silence descended once more and I tried to find the darkness as interesting as Guy. Then he sighed and reached out an arm. It dropped around my shoulder and pulled me into his body. My whole right side was touching his left side and it sent bursts of static rushing through my body. I could smell him, all smoky and honeylike. My face was nudged into his neck.
“I care,” he whispered.
Guy’s hand found my face and pulled it to his. My lips were quivering. And then, in a crevice of a college outbuilding, my lips met a boy’s for the second time. Everything around me went hazy. Guy’s kiss was soft at first but his lips got harder and harder. His hand reached to the back of my hair, pulling my face right into his. Then he moaned and effortlessly grabbed me and put me onto his lap. Instinctively, I wrapped my legs around his waist. When his tongue strayed into my mouth, I didn’t even worry about it. In fact, I let out my very own small moan.
Kissing Guy made up for every kiss I missed out on over the past three years.
Kissing Guy was like all the good bits of a hundred okay kisses, piled into one amazing one.
Kissing Guy made me feel like I wasn’t Evie any more. It marked the end of All That and the start of Normal.
Or so I hoped, I hoped, I hoped.
A loud clang of opening chords broke us apart – by lips only. Our faces were still crowded into each other’s. I turned in the direction of the college cafeteria, and saw the lights dim once more through the giant floor-to-ceiling windows.
“We’re missing the last band,” I said.
“I don’t care.”
He kissed me again – raining them down on my cheeks and my nose and my neck. He pushed back my hair to gain further access to my skin. I loved the look on his face – like he couldn’t believe his luck that he got to kiss me. That he was trying to make the most of it. I laughed and pulled back.
“Don’t you want to go back and see if you win?”
His face dropped slightly and my stomach with it. “We won’t have won.”
“You might’ve. You were really good.”
“How would you know? You missed most of our set.” I looked up at him and a twinge of pain danced behind his eyes. “Because you were with that bloke.”
“I wasn’t!” I protested. “I was…in the bathroom…
I drank too much. I felt a bit sick.”
Guy twisted his body away and leaned back against the wall.
“Whatever.”
Instantly I went into panic stations.
BAD THOUGHT
You’ve screwed it up. Of course you have, you always screw it up.
BAD THOUGHT
You missed his set because you were OCDing in the bathroom. Because you’re a massive freak.
BAD THOUGHT
Why did you think you could be normal? Why did you think you could have something good?
“I…I…” I didn’t know what to say. Guy used silence as punishment. My tummy tightened with the need to make it better, to make it right again. My hands already missed him and wanted to claim back their permission to touch him. My eyelids blinked in overtime, working hard to repress the tears banging on the door.
Please make it better, make it better, make it better.
He wouldn’t look at me. Before he could see me cry, I stood, dusting the mud off my jeans. “I’ll go back inside then,” I said.
“Whatever.”
No movement. I really was going to cry.
“Bye then…?” I hovered a few more seconds, just in case.
“Bye.”
I stumbled over the grass, letting the light of the cafeteria guide me back. The effort of holding in tears made it hard to breathe. I would just tell Jane I was leaving, then I would go home. And I could cry all I liked. And digest whatever the heck had happened.
Just as I was about to step out into the light, onto the courtyard, I heard him.
“Evie.”
I turned round, a bit pissed off. “What do you want, Guy?” I turned before he saw me cry.
“You.”
He grabbed me back and I swirled like a dancer into his arms. He pulled me right up against his chest and, with no introduction, he kissed me again. It was rough and delicious and he pushed me against the college wall, pinning me with his body. His hands started in my hair but moved down until he was stroking up my arms, pinning them behind me effortlessly with his. We kissed and kissed and kissed to the backdrop of an unknown band inside. I’d never been lost in any kind of moment before. I’d always noticed everything, my brain was always tick-tocking wherever I went, whatever I did. But, then, there, I was drowning in the moment. There were no thoughts, just feelings and tastes and sensations and me giggling so hard in Guy’s mouth all of a sudden that we had to stop.
He pulled back – looking half annoyed, half smiling at my laughter. “What is it?’
I giggled again. “Aren’t Joel and the others going to wonder where you are? You’re supposed to be in a competition.”
He trailed a finger up my arm to my shoulder, leaving a Hansel and Gretel trail of goosebumps as he went.
“Yeah, they’re probably wondering.” He broke into a grin. “That’s why we should leave. Now.” He pulled me away into the darkness. I laughed harder.
“Where are we going?”
“Away.”
“Where away?”
“To darker locations with more privacy.”
I felt a thrill build in my toes and echo up my back.
Hands held, we walked back in the vague direction of our houses, the same way I’d walked with the girls. But this time we stopped at every lamp post to kiss, not for me to touch it six times. When we got near my house, Guy pulled me through a hedge into this pretty little grassy place with a war memorial in the middle. It was bathed in moonlight, the silver from the sky reflecting off the stone. A few soggy paper poppies from last week’s Memorial Day were scattered on the steps. In the darkness, they almost looked real.
“I’ve never been here before, it’s so pretty,” I said.
Guy didn’t reply. He just squeezed my hand and manoeuvred me onto the damp grass. I was on my back, his weight on top of me, and he was kissing me like the world would implode the next day. It felt so gorgeous – the sky above my face, his tongue in my mouth, his hands creeping up the sides of my top – every inch of my skin covered with goosepimples now. I ran my hands through his hair and he did that weird groan again. It was surprising, in a nice way, that I seemed to be quite good at it. Maybe it was all those years watching people kiss in the movies. I’d learned by Hollywood osmosis.
Things with Guy were getting a bit past 12A by then. His hand strayed dangerously close to my chest, and my bra, and my bra’s interior contents which weren’t quite ready for him.
How do you say “stop” when you’re busy kissing someone?
Then, just as he was an inch away from my underwire, his phone went off.
Guy rolled off me and got his screen up, while I lay there, looking at him. It was a little bit like the meadow scene in Twilight, apart from the empty beer cans on the grass. Oh, and, well, the graffitied bench over there. And, I guess, yeah, I was quite sure Guy had a boner right then because something had been sticking into my leg and I really didn’t think Edward Cullen had a boner in the meadow because that would’ve ruined it, quite frankly.
“Who is it?” I asked, rearranging myself and feeling shy. Guy’s face was lit up by the artificial blue light. He didn’t reply, just started messaging.
I can do that too, I thought. I got out my own phone. There was a message from Amber. I’d forgotten all about her.
Evie, I’m sorry. Where are you? How are you getting home? I’m with Jane and Joel. You coming to Lottie’s Spinster Club meeting tomorrow?
I frowned at it. I was still a bit mad, I guess. About what she’d said about Guy. She didn’t know him, not like I did. He’d been so sweet this evening… I think.
I’m with Guy. I know you have opinions but please don’t share them right now. I’ll see you tomorrow… I paused for a moment before adding, I’m sorry too.
I put my phone back in my bag and looked up at Guy. His face was dark again. My stomach did an uncomfortable flip-flop. “What is it?”
He shrugged. “We didn’t win. Your boyfriend’s band did.” His tone made the uncomfortable flip-flop do a backflip.
“He’s not my boyfriend. I told you, I…”
Guy interrupted me. “I mean, who lets a cover band win a battle of the bands? They’ve not even written a song. What did they contribute?”
“Well, I…nothing, I guess.”
His lip curled. “Oh shut up, Evie. I know you loved them. I saw you dancing to their stupid set. You didn’t even watch ours.”
“I…I…”
He stood up abruptly. “Joel’s parents are out so he’s having a few people back to his. I’ll walk you back then I’m heading there.”
“Oh…okay.” I stood too.
He stormed off through the bushes and I had to half run to catch up with him.
What had happened? Was it my fault? Why wasn’t he inviting me to Joel’s party? Was I a bad kisser after all? Was he really that upset by not winning? Ethan’s band was much better… Were we boyfriend and girlfriend now? Why wasn’t he holding my hand? What did he want from me? Should I maybe try and make the first move? Make it back to how it was fifteen minutes ago?
I matched his pace and gently took his hand. Guy looked down at it. He squeezed it a bit and then dropped it like it was the wettest fish in the fish shop and kept walking.
We stormed through the darkness in silence – my mind whirring ten million miles a moment.
What’s going on? What have I done? Is it my fault? It’s usually my fault. Does he still like me?
When we got to my house I was resigned to the fact I’d ruined everything. I held back tears, my jaw wobbling with the sheer effort. Rose’s light was still on. Oh God – how was I going to get past without her seeing me cry? Then she’d tell Mum and Dad and they’d put me back on the medicine and I would’ve failed once again, like I fail everything, like life is just one big test I keep flunking.
“Well,” I said, not able to look at him. “Bye then.”
I went to leave – the tears right in my ducts now, just waiting for the command to fall uncontrollably for the next two hours…
“Evelyn.”
Guy kissed me hard again. And all my tears turned to gasps of breath. And my heart…it was beating so hard, it was so filled with relief and happy.
He grinned at me, his teeth almost bumping into my teeth.
“I had such a good night,” he whispered.
And he was gone.
Rose was reading one of my film magazines in bed. She saw me tiptoe past the gap in her bedroom door. “Evie? What’s happened? I can see your smile from here.”
I stopped and put my head around the door. “Oh, hey, Rose. I’m fine. How are you? Did you have a nice evening?”
She put the magazine down. “Why are you talking to me like you’re at a job interview?”
“Oh – am I?”
“You are. You just did it again.” She smiled, though it was a bit sad. “Something happened with you and Guy, didn’t it?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Get in and tell me everything.”
She looked so happy for me – so genuinely buzzingly happy for me, that I forgave her for the cleaning box and clambered under her duvet.
“Well…” I said. “It all started when Ethan kissed me.”
“ETHAN?”
“Yes.”
We whispered and giggled until time lost all meaning. Rose was so lovely about Guy. She got it, I guess. What a big deal it was.
Just as she was falling asleep on my shoulder, I remembered something.
“Hey? Weren’t you supposed to be staying at Rachel’s tonight?” Rachel was her best friend and I vaguely remembered Mum talking about her ice-skating and sleepover party.
“Oh…that…” Rose said sleepily. “She got sick… I’m so happy for you, Evie.”
Rose fell asleep.
I carefully untangled our limbs and tucked the blanket up around her. Her little face was so peaceful. Is that what I looked like when I slept? Was it the only time my face looked that serene? Without my conscious brain to bully me about? I crept to my room and clambered into bed.
I had rolled in grass, I’d danced in a sweaty mosh pit, I’d had Guy’s tongue in my mouth, his unclean hands on my body.
I didn’t feel like washing any of that away.
Unhelpful thought
Say thank you, Evelyn.
I should, really. My good night. My gorgeous perfect night – it was my reward. For touching the mirror, for touching all the lamp posts on the walk in. I’d done what the universe had told me to do and it had rewarded me.
You should always say thank you.
I pulled out every film individually from my shelves and touched it six times, whispering “thank you” as I did.
By the time I was done, the sun was rising.