Amanda flailed in the air, each of her limbs scrambling about, trying to find something to grab onto but finding only emptiness. She felt like she was falling through space and that when she landed she’d be sat amongst the stars.
It took just over two seconds for her body to hit the water. They were the longest seconds of her life. The water had turned to slate during her descent. She smacked against it, the impact jarring every bone in her body. She couldn’t breathe. Her lungs had been flattened by the crash. Amanda sunk down into charcoal waters. Then the needles came. They pricked against every inch of her body, sharp and unrelenting, trying to tear the flesh from the bone. The cold was savage. Amanda was dropping deeper into the darkness. She vaguely recognised the weakening light of the moon hovering above, ripples distorting its face. It looked as though it were in another world.
Something pushed against her right side. It was strong and determined. It tossed her around like flotsam and only released her as she smacked against the rocks of the cliff. Pain shook through her body. Amanda’s hands scratched at the slickened surface of the rock, using limpets to cling onto, to power herself up towards the rippling moon.
The force came again, pressing her more firmly against the rocks. Amanda’s head snapped forward and bounced off the stone. She kept holding on even though a part of her longed to let go, to drift down into the blissful depths of the water. She knew there would be no pain there, just respite.
Amanda broke through the surface of the water, clinging to the rock. Her arms trembled. She sucked in a vital salty breath, as desperate as a newborn baby. Around her the world was shaded with charcoal. A reluctant sun had yet to replace the moon overhead. Amanda looked down at the water around her, the surface briefly glassy, like a doll’s eye before the white crest of a wave broke through it and powered towards her. Amanda curled against the rock for protection. The wave came like a punch. Her arms kept shaking. She didn’t have the strength to hold on for much longer. And the cold – it gnawed on her bones like she was already a carcass. If she stayed on the rock she was going to die. Her thoughts were slipping away, becoming increasingly incoherent.
‘Keep kicking,’ she heard the booming voice of her old swimming instructor, Mrs Maddox. ‘Kick as if your life depended on it.’
Amanda waited for the next wave to recede and then released the rock. She kicked. She kicked with everything she had. Whilst her legs cooperated, her arms were less compliant. They felt stiff, as though they were now made of wood. Amanda thrashed them in the water as she kept kicking, slowly making progress away from the dangerous rocks.
Each time she raised her head enough to take in a breath she inhaled more seawater than air. She choked against it, continually kicking. Where was she even going? She didn’t know this shoreline, there might be miles of cliffs or she could be mere metres away from a shingle beach. Amanda prayed it was the latter. Her mind zoned out as she just kept kicking. Piece by piece her whole body went numb, succumbing to the cold.
Amanda didn’t notice the tide that helped take her ashore. She was single-minded in her determination to just keep kicking. When she eventually reached the shallows she crawled forward, her hands sinking into the wet sand. She hauled her body away from the shoreline, away from the icy waves, and collapsed face down in the shingle.
*
‘So… this?’ Will swept his gaze along the beach.
‘Yes, this,’ Amanda nodded as she squeezed his hand which was firmly interlocked with her own, ‘this is my little slice of heaven.’
‘It’s a beach.’
‘But it’s my beach. This is where I grew up.’
‘It’s certainly… pretty.’
‘Look, here,’ Amanda eagerly pulled him towards a collection of rocks which threaded their way out to sea. ‘This is where I used to go exploring in all the little rock pools. I’d find all sorts in my little net, like crabs and limpets.’
‘It’s nice.’ Will took it all in with his usual stoic demeanour.
‘And here,’ Amanda pulled on his hand, taking him away from the rock pools and further down the beach. ‘This is where my dad and I would race.’ The sand stretched away from them, extending towards holidaymakers who were just dots on the horizon enjoying the sunshine.
‘It really is beautiful, Amanda,’ he released her hand to loop an arm around her shoulders. She instinctively leaned in to him. ‘You’re lucky to have grown up somewhere so idyllic.’
‘So when do I get to see where you grew up?’ she squinted up at him in the sunlight.
‘Oh, no way,’ Will furrowed his thick brow. ‘You showed me your little slice of heaven. I’m not about to repay you by showing you a wedge of hell.’
‘I bet it wasn’t that bad. You’re just being dramatic, trying to maintain your rugged image and mysterious demeanour.’
‘No, it was.’ Will kept looking at the people distantly bouncing around in the waves, their laughter carried over to them on the warm afternoon air. ‘It really was awful, Amanda. It’s a place I’d never wish to take someone like you.’
‘Someone like me?’ Amanda tensed, wondering if he was insinuating something unsavoury about her.
‘Someone unspoiled,’ Will clarified with a light smile. ‘You see the world in such a wonderful way. I’d never want that to change.’
Amanda found herself looking up at the cliffside which loomed up above them. ‘Bad things are everywhere you know, even in heaven,’ she whispered absently.
‘But when bad things are surrounded by goodness, you can overcome them. When it’s all bad all the time, that’s when it starts to change you, to corrode your soul.’
‘Is your soul corroded?’
‘No, because I got out. Sometimes the past just isn’t worth revisiting,’ he hugged her tight against him, drawing her attention away from the cliff. ‘Trust me, Amanda. My past is just a collection of bad times. We’re better off staying here, in your little slice of heaven.’
*
Amanda’s eyes slowly opened. She saw the world on its side, a sea of stones sweeping away from her beneath a heavy pewter sky. ‘Where?’ She felt the stones around her hands, against her face. With a grunt she tried to stand up. Her body limped back towards the ground. ‘Come… on,’ she urged herself to try again. All of her joints felt like they were bunged up with glue. Amanda groaned and panted and eventually scrambled onto her feet.
She was on a deserted shingle beach. It was a small outcrop bordered on three sides by ominous dark cliffs. The sea roared behind her menacingly, reminding her of its presence. Amanda staggered forward and then dropped to her knees. She coughed and felt the icy ocean water churning around in her lungs. She tried to raise her left hand towards her chest but it remained lifelessly draped against her side. Her right hand was more obedient. Amanda smacked it against her chest. Once. Twice. The third time was the charm. She doubled forward as she retched seawater. Her purge splashed upon the shingle. Amanda slowly straightened. She noticed the red blotches upon her legs that would become bruises, the swelling around her right kneecap. Those were just the injuries she could assess. Everything else would have to wait. She was alive. For now.
Amanda laboured her way up the beach, her movements slow and cumbersome. At the end she found a narrow wooden staircase which led up the cliff, towards civilisation. She wilted against its shanty banister. Her legs felt like two blocks of ice. They were too stiff to make it all the way up the stairs. But what choice did she have?
Amanda started to climb. She yelped with every step, grimacing against the pain. By the third step something changed. The brittle morning air of a dull day was replaced by the hungry fires of a furnace. Amanda felt like she was being boiled from the inside out. Her right hand released the banister to tug at her clothes. She was so hot in them. If she could just take them off and cool down a little she’d feel better. Her right hand fumbled at one of the few remaining buttons on her dress but before she could undo it her head sagged against her chest and then she dropped against the staircase and everything went black.
*
‘Daddy, aren’t you coming to bed?’ Amanda hugged her little rag doll to her chest and looked up at her father who was leaning against the kitchen sink, his eyes focused on the little window before him. Amanda lifted her gaze to see what held her father’s attention so raptly. She saw only darkness, without the guiding light of the moon, the sea and the sky bled together into one indecipherable mass.
‘I’ll come up soon, sweetheart.’ He briefly abandoned his vigil to give his daughter a gentle smile.
‘What are you looking at?’ Amanda hopped onto one of the chairs at the kitchen table and continued to watch her father with interest.
‘Did you hear on the news?’ He nodded at the radio which was plugged in on the far side of the kitchen countertop, lit up and emitting a low murmur of voices. ‘A fishing boat went down four miles out. Choppy waters out there tonight. Treacherous.’
‘Will the fishermen be okay?’ Amanda tightened her grip on her dolly.
‘The lifeboats have headed out to them,’ her dad gave a tense nod. ‘Hopefully they’ll get there in time.’
‘And if they don’t?’
Her dad slowly turned away from the sink, his shoulders sagging. ‘Remember how Mummy and I are always telling you how dangerous the ocean can be?’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘And how important it is to be a strong swimmer?’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘But sometimes being a strong swimmer isn’t enough. If the lifeboats don’t reach the men in time it won’t matter if they’re the greatest swimmers in the world. The cold will get them.’
‘The cold?’ Amanda’s eyes bulged in her head. The cold was everywhere. Especially in winter.
‘At this time of year the water is icy cold. Spend too long in it and you’re at risk of hypothermia.’
‘Hyp-no-turn-in-her?’
‘Hypothermia.’ Her dad’s stony expression softened with a brief smile. ‘It’s when your body has been exposed to the cold for too long and your core temperature starts to drop.’
‘What happens?’ Amanda scooted forward, to the edge of her seat.
‘Well,’ her dad looked back towards the window, ‘I’m telling this to help you understand, not to scare you, okay?’
‘Okay.’
‘When you reach a certain level of cold, your body actually starts to think it’s too hot. People with severe hypothermia can start shedding their clothes as their minds become irrational. Of course, that’s the last thing they should be doing as it just quickens the process of freezing to death.’
‘They die? From the cold?’
‘From prolonged exposure to extreme cold, Amanda. It couldn’t happen here at home where you have access to warm fires and nice thick clothes. But out there…’ he was gazing at the dense darkness beyond the window. A drama was unfolding that was hidden from his eyes. ‘The fishermen, they don’t have much time,’ he concluded sadly.
‘So why aren’t you coming to bed?’
‘Because when they are rescued, and God willing they will be, a few of us will head over to the lifeboat house with hot drinks and warm food for the rescuers. The fishermen will be sent over to the hospital.’
‘And they’ll get better?’
‘Yes, sweetheart, they’ll get better.’
‘Daddy why aren’t you out there with the lifeboats helping?’ Amanda wondered innocently. She watched his shoulders tense, his head bow slightly.
‘I’m not a strong enough swimmer,’ he admitted with a sigh of regret. ‘My bad knees, they always held me back.’
‘Oh.’
‘That’s why it’s important for you to work hard in your swimming lessons, Amanda. To listen to what Mrs Maddox says. That way, one day, you can be out there helping those in need, just like I wish I was.’
‘You wish you were out there?’ Amanda looked beyond the window, horrified. She’d much rather be tucked up warm in bed than out on the icy sea.
‘There’s no nobler cause than helping others, sweetheart. Of course I wish I was out there trying to save the fishermen. I’d try and save everyone if I could.’
*
A seagull shrieked. Its pitched cry forced Amanda to open her eyes. She was crumpled against the step, one hand still on the wooden rail. Her body was still burning. She gasped, feeling every nerve in her body fiercely protest. A feral sense of self-preservation told her to keep moving. Amanda tightened her hand around the rail and forced her beaten legs to straighten. She screamed out as her knees felt too raw in their joints, like she was grinding bone against bone and wearing her own skeleton away.
The steps loomed ahead of her, snaking their way up the cliffside. Maybe there’d be a road at the top. Amanda could flag down a car and ask for help and—
She braced herself as she took the next step and then the next. She didn’t dare look down at her haggard appearance. Would anyone even stop for her? Or would she look too horrific for even the kindest strangers to slow down?
She needed to happen upon someone like her father. Someone who was always putting the needs of others before their own.
He’d have stopped you falling.
Amanda repeated the truth she’d clung onto for so many years.
He’d have always saved you.
If her dad were there now he’d scoop her up into his arms and carry her the rest of the way. But he was gone. So was Will. And Shane would have no idea how to find her, where she’d gone.
The wind pummelled against the side of the cliff, challenging Amanda’s endurance. It scratched at her cheeks, trying to bring her back to her knees.
I can do this. I can do this. She played the mantra on repeat in her mind as she took the steps one at a time.
Finally she reached the top. How long had it taken her? An hour? Maybe two. Because the ache in her bones told her that it had taken a lifetime. She’d never been so tired, so strung out. Holding her limp left arm at her side with her right hand, Amanda looked about. She was on an open stretch of road that turned off onto bracken-laced highlands. Everywhere was still. There wasn’t a car in sight. The only movement came from the wind which blew in off the sea and tumbled over the battered landscape.
‘No,’ Amanda wilted in defeat. She’d come this far. How could she be expected to go any further? Maybe she should just lay down in the middle of the road and wait for someone to find her?
Numbly she tottered along the road, feeling light-headed. She felt like she was walking in a dream as her heartbeat became weaker and weaker.
Then she saw it. It stood beside the road, its glass surfaces smeared by time and salty air. A phone box. An uneasy mix of euphoria and nausea swirled within Amanda as she staggered towards the phone box, hoping it worked. When she sealed herself within its small glass walls she didn’t even care about the overwhelming stench of urine. She fumbled for the receiver and looked uncertainly at the keypad. Her instinct was to punch in her mother’s number, to call home. The landline number for the little cottage had never changed, the numbers were etched into Amanda’s soul. But Corrine couldn’t help. She was miles away. Amanda began dialling a mobile number after requesting to reverse the charges. Her teeth were chattering so much that she wasn’t sure she’d even be able to speak. She called Shane. But would he even pick up? He was supposed to be waiting for her somewhere on a roadside. She didn’t even know where she was now.
Amanda clutched the receiver with her right hand and leaned against the phone booth. There was a poster above the phone, full of emergency numbers and, at the top of it, a name. A location. The letters tensed together, trying to prevent Amanda from reading them. She frowned at the poster as her call connected and she heard the first ring drag out.
‘Ot…’ Amanda tried to form the letters. Her tongue was loose in her mouth, it sat there thick and useless. ‘Ot-ter…’
‘Hello?’ Shane picked up after the second ring. He sounded desperate. And afraid.
‘Ot-ter-well…’
‘Amanda, Amanda is that you?’
She couldn’t respond. Not properly. It was taking all she had just to pronounce the name of the damn place.
‘Amanda, Christ, I’ve been going out of my mind here! Are you okay? What happened? Where are you?’
So many questions. Amanda’s head pounded with the delivery of each one.
‘Ot-ter-well Bay,’ she spat out her location finally and sagged within the booth.
‘What?’
She groaned. She didn’t have the strength to say it again.
‘Otterwell Bay? Is that where you are?’
‘Hmpf.’ She was losing her ability to speak. Her head throbbed and her body burned as if coated in an invisible fire. ‘Come,’ she pleaded as her knees buckled. She fell to the floor of the phone booth, the abandoned receiver hanging just inches away from her.
‘I’m coming!’ Shane shouted out to her. ‘Just stay where you are, Amanda. I’m coming.’
Amanda closed her eyes. She was so very tired. She thought about her father keeping a restless vigil at the kitchen window on a dark night and wondered if the lifeboats ever did reach those fishermen in time.