CHAPTER
4

Nourishment
for Sumptuous Sex

Don’t forget to love yourself.

—Soren Kierkegaard (1813–1855)

Each person makes new choices, defines goals, and sets schedules to put affirming steps into action. Each action becomes a conscious choice to move forward and become more familiar with you so that you’ll ultimately be able to enjoy sumptuous sex.

Consider what’s going on for these support group members:

• Caleb worried about the awkwardness of learning to date again. When should he disclose his sex addiction to a new person? How would the dialogue happen?

• Jon struggled with finding a supportive group of friends within the gay community, where sexual sobriety is atypical. As he moved further into his recovery, gaining acceptance from a supportive community grew in his priorities.

• Rick, facing sixty, had no desire for immediate partnership. His desire was to make meaning of the life he had and the one he was currently creating. His future goal was to partner with someone in a healthy way for the first time.

As you work to change the patterns in your brain and behaviors, you’re rewriting your life story with this intention: to become an assertive adult who takes responsibility for your choices, actions, and consequences. Chapter 2 defined the coping skills and behaviors you wish to achieve in the later stages of your recovery, while Chapter 3 addressed the nature and role of love itself. In this chapter, you’ll focus on how to:

• Write a new story for sexual sobriety

• Focus your edge on personal development

• Celebrate yourself through self-care

• Reduce stress to increase sexual capacity

• Make healthy masturbation part of self-care

• Create new memory circuits for pleasure

• Build your support network

These topics address your relationship to yourself. Let’s face it, the healthier your body, the better sex you’ll have; the more mindful you become, the more present you can be; the more aware of your feelings and responses, the more watchful you will be to avoid becoming addicted again. Knowing yourself intimately makes you better aware of your feelings and clearer in your expressions now that you’ve moved through the old story of who you were as a sexual addict.

Remember, each choice and action is designed to feed your body, mind, and spirit with the most delicious cuisine, fulfilling in every respect.

Write a New Story for Sexual Sobriety

Throughout time, men and women found strength from their myths, the stories that explain how something in our world came to be. The characters in myths are gods, goddesses, or personalities who each represented a quality they desired to possess. For example, the Hawaiian goddess Pele represented the fire of the volcanoes. In Greek mythology, the goddess Athena symbolized wisdom, while the god Apollo represented light and truth. Today, the literary character Harry Potter has become a mythological hero. Harry represents truth and strength of character, which overcome the forces of darkness and destruction.

Mythological gods and goddesses can be used as motifs to represent human characteristics. The interests we have and the culture we live in influence the mythological characters we choose for ourselves. Today it’s common for us to identify with well-known mythological characters or heroes played on TV or in the movies. For example, the hero of Star Wars, Luke Skywalker, has such distinctive values that he’s easily recognized in American culture and could possibly be called a modern-day mythological god.

If you were to write the story of your early recovery from sexual addiction, you might say you gained strength by overcoming challenges, just as mythological heroes do. You challenged yourself by sticking with the program and making it to sexual sobriety. You might state that you came to see yourself as a person who knows how to change in the face of crisis. You have courageously completed a kind of hero’s journey.

Now is the time to write the story of your later recovery and the journey ahead of you. What story would you like to craft about the sexual being you’d like to become? You can create a renewed story with your partner that unfolds through your writing. You’d describe what kind of sex you would like to have with your partner, what sensuality means to you, and so forth. The best way to start is to put your fingers to the keyboard or your pen to paper. Once you begin, stay connected to the writing until your mind is empty. Feel free to jot down thoughts, perspectives, and ideas that may arise as you move forward.

To begin, make a list of your strengths and skills. Be sure to include all the attributes you value about yourself. Need help creating this list? Review the following characteristics that people of different temperaments have.¹ (Most people identify with one, but it’s also possible to identify with two or three of them.)

The Achiever: Self-assured; in control of the environment; a logical planner, leader, visionary, achiever; shows self-control; keeps track of self.

The Relater: Good team player, predictable, creates safety around self, values intimacy, uses time to advantage to observe people and build trust, avoids negative environments and people, easily influenced by others, loves the logical, values conversation, strives to complete tasks.

The Creator: Highly creative, helpful, relies on intuition to explore new situations, assesses outcomes, values spontaneity, influences others through sharing ideas and projects, values feedback, enjoys the limelight.

The Rock: Adaptable, strong-willed when needed, keeps to the middle ground, values harmony, is sensitive to stimulation, can self-regulate, likes having comfort for self and others, supports others, provides safety or balance to others, enjoys people and relationships.

Choose the qualities from this list that can mobilize your journey of intimacy with yourself, then create your own personal cluster of qualities. Remember, you’re listing the qualities you want to grow into as a sexually sober person.

Then choose a mythological character or a powerful animal that could represent your growth in your new life story. Writing your story through a mythological character allows whimsy and playfulness to inspire your muse, helping you to be bolder and more creative than you might be otherwise. Most of all, infuse fun into your story.

Focus Your Edge on Personal Development

During early recovery, your “sexual edge” (the point at which you got scared to try something new with your sexuality) was to eliminate self-destructive behaviors and agree to a period of celibacy. Now that you’re in the later stages of recovery, you focus on personal development and intimate sexuality. On this edge, you’re feeling and accepting discomfort as you try new activities and practice self-awareness with support from others. But you’ll do them only with fun and pleasure in mind!

Holding the tension at the edge requires a willingness to move forward. Writing your personal story helps tremendously with this forward motion. You’re honestly asking yourself what you want out of your sex life and what you’ll do to achieve it. As you review your daily intake of things, think about and write down a few goals, then determine which actions to take immediately. Make these action steps part of your story. The chart below shows an example of how you could do this.

Table 4.1.Personal Development

Completing a chart like this will help you understand how to handle taking risks with support from others. Here are four questions to consider as you begin writing. Explore each of them, then pick the behaviors or attitudes you noticed. You may find you’ll want to incorporate them into your life story.

1. What are the thoughts and beliefs (the false I-dentities) that limit your life?

2. In what ways do you run away when you get anxious trying something new?

3. What will help you stop running away and sit still when you hit your edge?

4. What would help you have the courage to look inside, challenge your beliefs, and stay present with the anxiety, confusion, or discomfort you feel?

5. Who can support you and witness the courageous steps you are about to take?

Celebrate Yourself Through Self-Care

Will the new you, the sexually sober adult who’s ready for intimacy, please stand up and identify yourself? As you view yourself in the mirror, can you see the confident one who is ready to nurture yourself?

Now is the time to celebrate yourself and feel more confident. How? By paying attention to what most addicts ignore—their physical health, appearance, and well-being.

Over the years, many sex addicts have told me they grew up in deprivation when it came to self-care. Although they may have had a roof over their heads, they didn’t get the nurturing that comes from being disciplined to floss their teeth, eat nutritious food, tend to their clothing, make their beds, and so on. Without these, a person can harbor feelings of being shameful, undesirable, and not good enough.

So turn the tables and celebrate yourself—starting now. This means knowing you’re entitled to eat well and tend to your bodily appearance, wardrobe, and living space. What areas do you need to address that will reduce shame and improve your confidence as a sexual person? Write them down as you set your goals.

Change requires diligence and discipline. Taking time for self-care is a discipline that’s meant to be learned in childhood. In adulthood, it becomes a responsibility to oneself and to the ones we love, even though it isn’t easy to change old patterns or begin new practices.

In early recovery, you had to get in the habit of going to 12-step meetings, making phone calls to others in the program, keeping commitments to others, reading recovery books, and working on the steps. In later recovery, you’ll continue to focus on all of the above plus take care of your health, repair your relationship, and define your sexuality from a new vantage point.

Self-care includes the following aspects:

Personal Hygiene. How is your personal hygiene, meaning do you look and smell clean, keep your nails trimmed, and take care of the small details as well as the large ones? Do you attend to your personal hygiene on a regular schedule? If you do not, set a regular schedule for taking showers, shaving, flossing, washing or cutting your hair, and other personal hygiene practices. Then follow your schedule. It’s important.

Health. When was the last time you visited the dentist or had a physical exam? What other health concerns have you ignored? Set appointments immediately.

Diet. Are you eating well? Do you eat on the go or do you make a point of sitting down and mindfully eating your food? Are you distracted by wandering thoughts or television programs? Or are you fully savoring the nourishment you’re giving your body? To supplement your diet, do you take vitamins every day?

Clothing. Do you pay attention to your appearance—not dress as a sexual object, but dress well to promote your comfort, ease, and confidence? Are your clothes clean, pressed, and professional-looking for work? What key items of clothing need to be replaced? Sort through your wardrobe and give or throw away what you haven’t worn in two years. Dress for dignity, for your own self-worth, and for your confident comfort.

Cleanliness. How often do you wash your bedsheets, towels, and household items? Is every week to two weeks right for you? Do you need help keeping them clean? Inspect your environment for neatness and appropriate placement of items. Most of all, check for sanitation items. For example, are drains unclogged? Kitchen disposals kept clean? Garbage emptied regularly? Dirty dishes kept to a minimum? Cars cleaned inside and out?

Deep Breathing. When I ask clients to take a deep breath, mostly they suck air up into their chest, a movement that actually creates more stress. When under stress, we tend to breathe in shallow, rapid breaths high into the chest. A relaxed breath can go deep down into the abdomen. How we breathe reflects the tension we carry.

Breathing into your abdomen (the navel center) is an effective form of breathing for relieving stress and has excellent benefits. Deep abdominal breathing activates your metabolism, lowers your blood pressure, and increases vitality and energy. Do this breathing from a comfortable position—sitting, lying down, or standing. Expand your abdomen as you inhale, and then release the air gently with no force. Place your hand on your abdomen to help you focus.

Figure 4.1. Abdominal Breathing

Exercise. Do you work out with regularity? The body is designed to move, so if you sit at a desk all day, you need to move and get oxygen flowing. This is not just about looks, but about health and well-being. If you aren’t feeling vital in your body, you won’t feel good sexually. Find physical activities that include friends, your partner, or groups of people to motivate you to exercise and do it regularly. Did you know that exercise increases testosterone? It’s the hormone that helps us feel desire and respond sexually.

Why Exercise Leads to Better Sex

Exercise benefits healthy sexuality so much that it should be on your to-do list every day. In addition, exercise creates more blood flow, relaxes the arteries, improves mood, and brightens any dire outlook. The main benefit is that it releases endorphins—and so do sexual activities.

Various types of exercise offer different benefits. Choose the type of exercise you prefer. Abdominal breathing revitalizes and relaxes; aerobic exercises are repetitive and rhythmic, requiring time to increase cardiovascular function and circulation.

If the intensity of aerobics doesn’t suit you, try flexibility training. It improves your posture and movement ability. Also include yogic stretching or walking, along with abdominal breathing, as part of your regular actions.

Another choice is strength building to increase muscle tone and strengthen bones. Strength training also boosts your metabolism and cleanses the body. Be sure to include abdominal breathing with your strength training.

Exercise can also lead to better, more restful sleep, and both have been linked to a better sex life. Poor general health can lead to poor sexual function; keeping fit helps you sustain or enliven performance and satisfaction in the bedroom.

A study at the University of Hong Kong showed that physical activity affects erectile dysfunction (ED) in men, which is the inability to produce and maintain an erection for the sexual satisfaction of both partners. Weight and low physical activity are the two key factors in creating ED. Men who did not exercise and were underweight were at risk for ED just as much as men who were obese.²

Women reap the exercise benefits too. One study by the University of Texas at Austin found that twenty minutes of moderate exercise enhanced genital response to sexual stimuli in women participants compared with no exercise at all.³ In general, people who exercise regularly often feel better about themselves and more sexually desirable, and will likely have higher levels of satisfaction.

Even though you may have already addressed these self-care issues in early recovery, reviewing these components helps you focus your goals today. They lead to vibrant health and a balanced lifestyle, both contributing to intimate sex and strong relationships.

Reduce Stress to Increase Sexual Capacity

When your coping skills don’t alleviate the perceived demands on you, what happens? You experience distress, which affects your sexual pleasure. While you were in addiction, that distress likely triggered you to act out sexually. However, in recovery, you’re learning healthy coping mechanisms to handle similar stress—perhaps for the first time.

Stress and Hormones

Remember, stress reduces testosterone, which is the hormone that helps us feel desire and respond sexually. Cortisol, another hormone, can also have negative effects on sexual desire. Cortisol is called “the stress hormone” because it’s released in higher levels when the body responds to a perceived threat or danger. When the danger is gone, the body is meant to return to normal functioning. Under chronic stress, cortisol will begin to have negative effects on the body, which can lead to blood flow moving away from the genitals. When stress turns to irritability or anxiety, then many men and women experience lowered sexual desire. Hormone-related issues like mood swings, sleep deprivation, or menses also affect our sex drives.

How can you monitor stressors and your responses? I suggest choosing activities designed to improve your health and well-being. Rather than take on more activity, it’s best to structure a lifestyle around nutritious eating, movement, strengthening muscles, and endurance. These choices will help celebrate you and lead to sumptuous sex.

Your Stress Checklist

The following stress checklist assists in understanding your responses to situations you experience. It’s purposefully general, as symptoms of stress cross gender, culture, and age boundaries. Check the phrases that apply to you.

Do you multitask, doing as much as possible in short time frames?

Are you impatient with time delays or interruptions?

Do you generally have a negative attitude when driving, complaining about others or conditions?

Are you overly critical of coworkers or others familiar to you?

Do you spread yourself too thin or volunteer for too much?

Are you irritable most of the time?

Do you have a tendency to feel guilty if you relax?

Do you put off self-care for another day?

Do you set unrealistic goals?

Do you complain of being disorganized?

Do you have few friends or a limited support network?

Do you sleep lightly or is sleep interrupted at night?

Are you constantly tired?

Do you feel the need to share your drama with others?

Do you worry a lot?

Do you experience physical symptoms like headaches or high blood pressure?

Do you experience holding your breath or shortness of breath?

Do you experience moodiness?

If you checked six items or fewer on this list, you are managing your stress responses well. If you checked six to twelve items, your stress management skills are holding, but stress is taking a toll. If you checked more than twelve items on the stress symptoms, then stress is winning.

If stress is winning, you may be considered a “workaholic” and could benefit from Workaholics Anonymous (www.workaholicsanonymous.org). You could also find a meditation program that works for you (www.learningmeditation.com).

Stress and Erectile Dysfunction

One potential side effect of stress on sexual capacity is erectile dysfunction (ED). ED has physical causes, and chronic dysfunction requires a visit to the urologist. However, ED can also result from psychological causes.

In my experience, men will report experiencing sex “in their heads” because they’re worried about their performance. They’re also focused on what their partner will think of them if they can’t perform or provide pleasure. Often, because of shame, they don’t even connect with their partner and don’t allow themselves to focus on or receive pleasure in their bodies.

Yes, people focused on performance will have problems. Men who believe they have to live up to the myth that they’re always ready with their erections will need to change their expectations. Women who have faked orgasm must look at their anxiety, too. Shallow breathing, self-consciousness, and anxiety can all be culprits for why women experience sexual dysfunction.

Your goal is to slow down and not be worried about results. Instead, you want to stay present in the process, breathe, and make close contact with your partner. It’s important to consider whether you’re touching your partner from the place of a confident adult or an anxious, shame-based adolescent.

Allow for your own pleasure and, with practice, these symptoms of anxiety will fade. Consider the first cornerstone, self-knowledge, and take a stand for what’s true, even if it’s uncomfortable. For example, if a man loses his erection, can he stay centered and not get lost in shame and self-judgment? Can he simply say, “You know, I was tired,” or “I’m not really into it,” or “I was really stressed out at work today”? As his partner, can you tolerate this without feeling bad about yourself or comparing yourself to his acting-out partners? Or if a woman is struggling, she doesn’t have to desert herself by faking orgasm, therefore breaking the connection she has with her partner. Nor does she have to abandon the pleasure she is experiencing by putting pressure on her own performance. The goal is for the self-aware person to feel comfortable enough to exercise self-acceptance while still being honest and authentic in the relationship.

Derrick and June’s Story

Derrick and June, a thirtyish couple with a two-year-old daughter, described their sex life as having little foreplay. He was a young attorney and she stayed home with their child. They called their degree of stress “normal.” When they went to bed, they cuddled and touched, and at some point, one of them rolled on top of the other to have intercourse.

Derrick, who had chronic performance anxiety about keeping his erection, ejaculated quickly and then it was over. He hadn’t worried about his performance when he was acting out sexually because he was hiring prostitutes and transacting sex for money. With June, though, he focused so much on whether he’d be able to please her that he couldn’t settle himself down to enjoy the sexual act with her.

June had her difficulties too. She had an aversion to sex due to the chronic emotional abuse she had suffered at the hand of her mother, who was verbally sexually inappropriate with June as a kid. Consequently, their version of sex was super-avoidant, performance-based, and rapidly over with. Given that, we focused their therapy on dispelling the myths stemming from childhood conditioning. Their goal became discovering sensuality and learning a relaxed approach to having sex as adults.

In therapy, couples like Derrick and June ask themselves the following questions and discuss them with each other. I suggest you answer these questions, too, and share your responses with your partner or sponsor. If you do this with a partner, remember to use the Four Cornerstones of Intimacy to create a safe space for each other so that you can be honest and understanding. You can also use the answers to these questions as part of the new story you’re writing:

• What were the messages you received from your family about sex and sexuality?

• What kind of role models did you have?

• Did you have any traumatic sexual experiences as a child or young person? If so, how did they impact your sexuality?

• How did you act out in your addiction?

• What do you consider to be “normal” sexuality?

• What do you know about what arouses you sexually?

• Where are you limited sexually?

• What scares you about sex or your own sexuality?

• What excites you about sex or your own sexuality?

After answering these questions, you’ll see that your sexual patterns and preferences were forged through a variety of influential messages and experiences. These might have derived from family, church, early sexual experiences, television, movies, childhood abuse, and the like. The merger of these messages and experiences form what we call your sexual “arousal template.” A distorted sexual arousal template could lead to sexually addictive behaviors. If your sexual arousal template created problems for you while in your addiction, challenge those patterns in recovery.

By honestly answering the above questions, you begin to form new sexual preferences, opening yourself to the possibilities of your sexual potential. This is the beginning of a new definition of who you are and what you like sexually. (If you didn’t address this during your earlier recovery, I highly recommend reading Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.)

Make Healthy Masturbation Part of Self-Care

I compare healthy masturbation to shaving, brushing your teeth, or washing your hair. It’s a natural part of self-care. Even if compulsive masturbation was part of your addiction, in time you may be able to make healthy masturbation part of your self-care and healthy sex life.

Many people in recovery think that masturbating means being unfaithful to their partner, especially if they chose masturbation over sex with their partner in their addiction. That misconception illustrates again why you should talk to your partner about your sexual needs, including your masturbation habits. You should also talk to your sponsor or therapist before you introduce masturbation back into your sexuality. Discussing your sexuality keeps the topic current in your relationship. In recovery, you simply don’t want to have any secrets, lies, or surprises between you.

Gerald and Maggie’s Story

Gerald, a cybersex addict, was married for twenty-two years when his wife, Maggie, discovered that he had been looking at porn on the computer for years, instead of having sex with her. Understandably, Maggie was angry and upset; she felt as betrayed as if he’d had an affair. In fact, Maggie was so angry, she wasn’t interested in having sex with him at all and was also working through her own issue of having low libido.

Gerald understood and showed patience, but after ten months of celibacy, he desired some kind of sex life. After talking to his sponsor and group, he was encouraged, yet nervous, to make masturbation a healthy sexual behavior. Gerald was reticent about masturbating again because he didn’t know if it would trigger him into following his old unhealthy behaviors. So he was instructed to limit his masturbation sessions to no more than two times a week. He was to do it in the privacy of his bathroom, stay with the sensations in his body, and stop if pornographic images began to come into his mind. Unlike in the past, in recovery, he said he stayed with the sensations in his body then eventually added the fantasy about having sex with his wife. I encouraged him to stick with that fantasy and see how he felt afterward.

Gerald understood that reintegrating masturbation would require paying attention to what he was thinking and feeling during masturbation and notice how he felt afterward. The sticking point with Gerald was telling Maggie about this plan. He loved her and was afraid to upset her. So Gerald turned to the third cornerstone, responsibility with discernment, and took a differentiated stance— that is, he would tolerate the tension this would bring between the two of them because he wanted something that might upset her. Neither person was wrong, and both had a right to their feelings. After all, they were two separate people.

Often, sex addicts feel like they don’t have a right to get their needs met or express their feelings to their partners due to the pain they’ve inflicted on them. In effect, they put themselves in the emotional doghouse. In Gerald’s case, he had to accept feeling okay about what he needed, talking about it, and respecting where he was in his sexual recovery. Maggie had to deal with the conundrum of not wanting sex with Gerald and the discomfort that his desire to explore his own sexuality in a healthy way presented to her. In effect, Gerald’s move forced Maggie to look at her own sexual issues. She could no longer blame him for her issues, recognizing the amount of sexual sobriety time he had accumulated and the strength of his recovery program.

Sex addicts who have masturbated from the time they were kids usually report using masturbation to quell their anxiety. Often coming from rigidly disengaged or chaotic households, they discovered that masturbation made all their fears and upset go away. Yet, when it’s not used compulsively, masturbation can be part of normal self-care, even providing a sense of renewal.

In his book Great Sex, Michael Castleman states, “Masturbation is our original sexuality. It’s one of the first ways children learn to experience physical pleasure.”⁴ Indeed, masturbation is the best way to learn what turns you on sexually so you can communicate it to your partner.

Healthy masturbation feels good and doesn’t require being concerned with pleasing your partner. Rather, you focus solely on your own pleasure by staying present with the sensations in your body, without sexual fantasy or euphoric recall of past unhealthy sexual experiences. Masturbating without having a goal in mind allows you to explore what’s pleasurable. However, if compulsive masturbation posed problems for you in the past, you should not masturbate to avoid feelings such as anxiety and depression or use it when you feel sexually aroused. Instead, you may want to let the arousal arrive as you masturbate. Healthy masturbation is not dissociative, a repetition of past trauma, or used to alter one’s mood repeatedly.

Masturbation can feel wonderful, but don’t let it replace having sex with your partner. If this happens, or if you revert to past compulsive behaviors, stop and consult your therapist and sponsor, talk to your partner, and sort this out with others in your program before you resume.

Create New Memory Circuits for Pleasure

In later recovery, you are creating new memory circuits for happiness, love, intimacy, excitement, and novelty, as discussed in Chapter 2. You’re now discovering that pleasuring these senses heightens your sexual enjoyment.

To increase your sensuality, remember to incorporate these three steps:

Step 1: Be present with yourself and your partner by paying attention to what you think, how you feel, and what cues your partner is giving you.

Step 2: Take time to consciously breathe. Deep breathing helps you stay present with your bodily sensations.

Step 3: Focus on staying connected to your partner and you’ll experience pleasure with awareness.

Both men and women enjoy touching and being touched. Women are especially sensitive to touch because it allows them to relax and grow into arousal. Mutual touching releases the attachment hormone called oxytocin. Because men tend to rely on visual stimulation for arousal, they need to think about what to incorporate into a sensuality session, choosing something that empowers their ability to stay present and grow in the sensation of pleasure. A man may want to slow down and take time to look at his partner’s eyes, face, hair, skin, and body parts that he finds sexually arousing. (Details about how to incorporate visual sexual arousal will be discussed in later chapters.)

All this calls for writing into your story a scene for sensuality that brings forth your pleasuring muse. Creating the story increases your ability to visualize the scene; writing it down anchors the picture in your memory, cutting new grooves and reinforcing the images. As you do this, be mindful of not reverting to fantasy or euphoric recall that involves your previous sexual acting-out behaviors. If you’re in a relationship, be sure to share what you visualize with your partner. You can even expand your experience by using gentle, soothing touch, caresses or massage, eye contact, and eye gazing.

Build Your Support Network

By now, you know that a large part of staying sexually sober is building a support network for yourself. Take time to add the kind of support you desire and the type of caring people you want to the story you’re writing. Here are some examples:

Meditation Groups

James had difficulty being with people in general, so he joined a meditation group where he could be among people but without direct interaction. Joining a group for solitary meditation was his motivation to get out of the house and decompress after a crazy week. As he relaxed and increased his ability to be with people, his next step was to spend more time talking with group members and hearing their stories. He did a great job of listening. Because he found caring people in the group, he gave increasingly more of his time to the group’s activities and felt more connected.

Friendly Pets

Research indicates that having a pet helps people enhance their social skills and overcome shyness. Marilyn had always been a pet lover, so she donated her time to the Humane Society in her community. As part of her recovery program, she adopted a greyhound that had retired from racing. Walking her dog every morning proved to be good exercise, and Marilyn found the early-morning dog walkers in her neighborhood friendly and talkative.

Positive Connections

You already know the benefits of having a personal support network. Your network might be simply for conversation or for moral support and accountability. Intimate, supportive conversation experienced in a healthy relationship opens your heart and reduces stress—both helpful in creating intimacy in your new story. Recruiting a special friend who will hold you accountable for your goals and action steps brings you confidence to achieve them.

Staying Present

Whether you choose deep breathing, meditation, optimistic self-talk, or journaling, learn to put your distress to rest. Say to yourself, “I am present, here and now, and I focus on [the task at hand] or [my lover, my friend].” Focusing in the present is a skill that moves intimate sex to a transcendent level. You can constantly practice this focus as you savor your food, listen to music, or gaze into your partner’s eyes. You’ll learn how to make sex more sumptuous every time.

Erotic Intelligence Checklist for Chapter 4

Monitor stress by making healthy lifestyle choices for better sex.

Use healthy masturbation to give yourself a sense of renewal.

Increase sensuality with these steps: be present with yourself and your partner, consciously breathe, and allow time for pleasuring yourself and your partner. Find support with caring people in the program.