CHAPTER
7

Integrating
Love and Healthy Lust

Lust is desire for the body;
love is desire for the soul.

—Author Unknown

In Chapter 6 you took initial steps to start conversations about your values, vision, priorities, and expectations for your relationship as a couple. Now it’s time to move toward an integration of love and lust in healthy, intimate ways. Understanding the difference between the two will help you create a picture of your journey ahead.

Cultural Sexual Messages

The 1970s brought us “wife swapping” or “swinging” in the midst of people raising families. Kids were left to “do their own thing,” while adults kept trying to “find themselves.” Women juggled careers and families—and sometimes affairs. The 1980s loosened attitudes even more. Competition became the name of the corporate game. Cocaine use was overtly fashionable, and the accumulation of material wealth hit new heights.

All this “openness” brought a new level of promiscuity, accompanied by HIV and AIDS. While millions of people died of this dreaded disease, others continued to dance, drink, and snort cocaine into the wee hours of the decade. By the 1990s, the modern women’s battle cry was, “You can have it all: marriage, children, career, and sexual freedom!”

Today, we preach abstinence to our youth in sex education, yet our culture has become more sexualized because we’re bombarded with “adult” images. On the one hand, we get the message that sex should be reserved for the one we love, while on the other, advertisements, movies, and billboards encourage us to sexualize ourselves. This paradox pulls people in two directions. They report feeling tired and burned out. They say they don’t have time to spend with their families and can’t maintain a healthy lifestyle. They turn to other sexual outlets as a form of escape.

The highly sexualized parts of our culture have given everyone access to the erotic and the pornographic: films at the press of a button on the remote, billboards advertising “Gentlemen’s Clubs,” phone sex, and prostitutes-to-order. We can meet and have sex with strangers; we can even interact sexually with people via webcams on our computers.

Sexual Messages Abound

Sex addicts aren’t created in a vacuum. The unending sexual messages we get from film, TV programs, magazines, billboards, fashion, and the Internet—plus issues related to trauma from our families—create a recipe for the making of a sex addict. These factors have made sex addiction a prolific and painful problem, both socially and personally. In fact, sexual addiction (specifically pornography addiction) has been referred to by Dr. Patrick Carnes as our newest and most challenging mental health problem.

The media advocate upholding family values while also hawking goods and services to keep us perennially young. Being sexy and holding on to youth have become integral to the consumer culture and contribute to the economy. The result? We’re left feeling less than after being hypnotized with the more-is-better message: more money, more sexiness, more success, more corrective surgeries to achieve that sexiness. With this relentless bombardment, the reward system of our brain is constantly signaling “novelty.” With each release of dopamine, excitement is created that has us wanting even more. It seems that our collective reward system has gone haywire.

For many, more is simply not enough.

Chronic Novelty Seekers

By now, you know that sex addicts endlessly seek novelty. You’ve experienced the hijacked brain. When the reward system that produces dopamine is constantly engaged, as it is with novelty, you feel the intensity that’s the hallmark of sex addiction. Over time, however, this sort of novelty seeking creates despondence, a kind of dangerous exhaustion, or an uncomfortable mania.¹

The Internet, an extraordinary invention that allows us to learn, grow, and connect with people all over the world, also provides sex at our fingertips. Sexual images and engagement are available in our homes and offices with the click of a mouse. But cybersex can deeply affect our brains and sexual actions. Virtual connections without face-to-face contact allow for sexual exchanges to happen in our imagination and devoid of any heart connection. This reinforces addictive patterns and the lack of real relationship interactions. Forming attachments to pixel screens and fantasy avatars leaves novelty seekers feeling isolated, lonely, and unsatisfied.

In The Porn Trap, authors Wendy and Larry Maltz write, “Powerful human bonding hormones, such as oxytocin and vasopressin, are released with orgasm. They contribute to establishing a lasting emotional attachment with whomever or whatever you happen to be with or you’re thinking about at the time. The more orgasms you have with porn, the more sexually and emotionally attached to it you’ll become.”²

People in sexual recovery have had to show tremendous fortitude in their environments. Initially, they must constantly fight against the tendencies to medicate their pain; plus, they must face the shock of discovery by their partner or the shock of admitting to themselves that they are hurting. However, no matter how difficult it may be to navigate the pressures of society and the painful realizations of recovery, the power of choice can overcome them.

Yet what remains true is this: You can develop your unique story, make fresh choices, and experience the sexual intimacy you desire. You simply have to learn how. Chapters 10 and 11 will open up new levels of intimacy to you.

Rebuilding Your Relationship

Having pledged to a life of integrity, you’re now committing to the spirit of coupleship. You’ve taken the high road to recovery. Moving nobly into the growth phase of your relationship has you walking with your dignity intact, perhaps for the first time in your life.

To walk together as a couple with your heads held high can pose yet another challenge. Many partners of addicts have told me they feel bad about themselves for staying in the relationship because of the betrayal they’ve experienced. They imagine that the people who know their past judge them to be stupid for staying with the person who’s caused them so much pain. I often counter this thinking, explaining that leaving may seem quick and easy because they can pretend they’re okay and the problem has disappeared. However, if you leave your relationship, you’ll be stuck with your pain and sorrow without the person you loved to help you sort it out. Why is this true? Because even though it feels as if your pain comes from your partner, it’s actually coming from inside you.

Staying is another story altogether. You have to walk in the unknown with no guarantees. You’re asked daily to show up for your life and see what’s there, not to make any swift moves. You tread lightly and trust the process with awareness. With each passing day, you experience a glimmer of a new beginning in yourself and in the other person. You begin to have a relationship with yourself as a whole being and wisely recognize yourself as the source of your happiness.

However, if you don’t see changes in your partner, or your partner is treating you poorly, then it’s time to consider leaving. At this juncture, you should have serious conversations with your trusted friends, sponsor, and therapist. While difficult and painful, leaving may be the best decision for your personal growth and development.

Sexual Potential in Coupleship

You’re no longer having sex as a compulsive need to feel good, and your sex life may be functional. But how do you go beyond just “functional” to experience sexual fulfillment? Let’s examine what Doug and Samantha have done to improve intimacy.

Doug and Samantha’s Story

Doug and Samantha had been married for fifteen years when Samantha uncovered Doug’s numerous affairs. In their forties, with two adolescent boys, as a couple they struggled with their sexuality. Doug moved out of the house for a year while they worked on their relationship in hopes of keeping their marriage and family intact.

Although she felt furious and hurt, Samantha loved Doug and wanted to make things work. Plagued by her own eating disorder, she struggled with not overreacting and medicating her feelings with food. Her own body image stood in the way of her desire to be sexual with Doug. In addition, she had many underlying family-of-origin issues to face.

Doug’s tendency was to intimidate and cajole Samantha into getting what he wanted sexually. He knew his patterns and believed he had successfully changed them.

One night after Doug had moved back home, he and Samantha decided to have sex. They both felt awkward and uncomfortable being sexual with each other but didn’t talk about their discomfort. Instead, they rushed into having sex with little eye contact and no kissing or heart connection.

During the sex act, Doug’s dissociation caused him to revert to old patterns of objectification with no connection, telling Samantha he was going to “lick your pussy.” Livid, Samantha felt used, but she continued in the sexual act. Afterward, they told each other that they had experienced orgasms, but they both felt terrible. He admitted feeling disconnected and empty, while Samantha confessed to feeling alone and violated. Doug realized he had reverted to old patterns and that he couldn’t say phrases like “lick your pussy” to her when he had no emotional connection with her. From her side, she felt terribly unloved but chose to attempt having sex anyway, which went against being true to herself. In fact, neither one of them took responsibility for themselves from the initial point of awkwardness onward.

Using the Four Cornerstones of Intimacy, self-knowledge, comfort and connection, responsibility with discernment, and empathy with emotion, in therapy, they isolated this bad experience to learn about themselves and move toward their sexual potential as a couple. Uncomfortable as intimate conversations were for them, they understood that they had to talk about their fears and anxieties as a way to build intimacy before becoming sexual with each other.

Exploring sexual potential means having deep conversations about what is possible. Remember, in your addiction, you constantly pursued achieving the ultimate orgasm. In so doing, you missed the possibility of eroticism, which is transcendent and intimate, leading you closer to yourself, your partner, and the divine.

In sexual sobriety, you create your new story by constantly striving for ideal goals. You’re disciplined because you define certain practices that you follow daily and weekly.

Together, you and your partner will define your values, personal intentions, and goals as a couple and start a journey to fulfill them. You accept that intercourse is not the be-all and end-all. Rather, seeing each other in true “nakedness” and being willing to share your fears and desires leads to the joy of sexual fulfillment.

Vision Statement for Coupleship Intimacy

Couples who create a vision statement for coupleship bring their hearts and ideas together for one purpose—sexual intimacy. Their vision statement helps them evaluate if they’re successfully moving toward the vision they have for their life together. They create and use their vision statement as a guide for many goals in life. Using this statement of intention, each partner can be accountable to his or her own commitments. This accountability can serve as a comfort as well as a challenge and is well worth pursuing.

If you are single, a vision statement is especially useful as you prepare to get involved in a sexual relationship. Clearly setting your vision for the kind of person and relationship you would like to assist you in giving yourself permission to be sexual healthy sexual relations when the time is right.

Creating Your Vision Statement

Take the values you’ve distilled from Chapter 6 and incorporate them into your vision statement. It can be any length that feels right for you—a sentence, a paragraph, even several pages. Write a statement that includes your values and goals for yourself and your coupleship using the guidelines below. Remember, your values and goals may shift over time as you grow as individuals and together as a couple. For now, craft your vision according to what you’re thinking and feeling today. Make your statement(s) practical and fun for both of you.

• “Where do we want to end up together?” (Examples: growing old together; traveling around the world together; continuing our spiritual realization as a couple.)

• “How do I want to see myself?” (Examples: I wish to see myself as a grandfather, happily married, and enjoying retirement; I see myself as returning to school for my degree and opening my own business, coming home to my supportive, sexy husband; I see myself continuing to desire my sexy wife and having an enriching, meaningful life with her while pursuing my dream of learning to sail.)

• How would you like your partner to see you and what might he or she say about you in five or ten years? (Examples: She looks great to me; I find him as sexy and desirable as ever; she’s my friend and a true companion whom I can count on.)

• Place your emphasis on what has the most meaning to you and what you can reasonably do.

• State what you intend not to do again as a reminder. (Examples: I choose to never again lie or cheat on my partner; I choose to never again forget to tell her I love her on a daily basis; I choose to never again call him names that are destructive to him, my dignity, or our relationship.)

• What strengths do you bring to intimacy in coupleship? List several in priority order.

• What weaknesses do you need to work on? List several in priority order.

• What are your shared goals for connection? Do they include expressing affection, such as touching and active listening?

In addition, write down specific shared goals for spending time together. How much time in a week, month, and year can you commit to? Can you commit to taking one day each week as exclusively yours, perhaps calling it a date night?

Build Sexual Agreements into Your Vision Statement

Now that you’ve completed your vision statement for yourself and your coupleship, incorporate your own sexual vision statement. Use the values you chose from Chapter 6 along with this guide to create agreements you would like to have.

If you are single, think about these sexual agreements as sexual boundaries you might consider when entering a relationship. Talk to others who have begun dating or have gotten married while in recovery. Ask them to share what their sexual boundaries and needs were and how they communicated them.

As you do this, consider these examples of agreements couples have used in their sexual vision statement:

• Sex has to feel honest to both partners and aim to increase intimacy.

• No sexual activity outside of the committed relationship.

• No secrets or lies about sex, sexuality, or sexual preferences.

• Agree to be free to choose when and where they have sex.

• Agree to name their sexual limitations and work on areas where each partner feels stuck.

• Agree on why they have sex (e.g., to connect with each other; for pleasure, exploration, and discovery; to celebrate their love; to enjoy a sense of play, and so on).

• Agree to be clear on the different kinds of sex they want to have and what they don’t want to have (e.g., take an afternoon or evening to slowly explore and build their sexual repertoire; have “maintenance sex,” meaning sex that is more like what they usually enjoy, keeping connection in mind; have the occasional “quickie,” meaning sex for the sake of quick pleasure, again with connection between the two of them).

• Agree to be present and allow for whatever happens without judgment.

You agree to your chosen values about your sexuality so that trust can serve as the foundation for trying new sexual behaviors. These new behaviors can lead to nervous tension when the opportunity for sex arises, so remember the third cornerstone of intimacy; comfort and connection. It will help you continue to develop the capacity to comfort your anxieties and connect with your partner without reacting to his or her feelings. It also allows you to love deeply while admitting to and experiencing the lust you feel for each other.

Integrating Healthy Lust and Love

When you are secure in yourself, know what turns you on, and enjoy watching your partner watch you experience sexual pleasure, you have a highly novel relationship grounded in love. The experience of seeing and being seen fuels lust and desire. This is exactly the way you integrate healthy lust and love into your sex life. It’s relational sex, not the old pornographic sex of past addictions.

Loving deeply by looking into each other’s eyes for prolonged periods actually stimulates novelty in the brain and affects the nervous system, either calming or arousing it. Our brains and bodies are wired to read cues from one another. Face-to-face closeness with your lover signals safety to the brain, which will have a calming effect on both of you. It’s part of the attachment process discussed in Chapter 1.

Likewise, the brain can recognize lustful intention. Seducing your partner with your eyes can activate your own arousal as the reward system scans, signals novelty, and releases dopamine. Your partner receives your seductive signals, his/her brain/body responds, then your brain/body receives your partner’s signal. This becomes a feedback loop. You’re releasing dopamine and other sex hormones that create sexual arousal in the body. You’re dancing the dance of intimacy and eroticism to the music of real connection.

Recognize Your Partner as a Sexual Being

When they’re in their addiction, sex addicts constantly objectify and sexualize people. They report looking at “bodies,” not people as individuals. They might watch a woman fill her gas tank at the self-serve pump or check out a guy cycling down the street and then go home and masturbate to that image. Sex addicts often hoard images of people for later use.

I encourage recovering addicts to think about how sexualizing and objectifying people can trigger them to act out. In early recovery, you were probably introduced to a strategy called the “three-second rule.” As mentioned earlier, it allows you to have three seconds to notice how attractive a person is and then look away. Notice and look away. No gawking and going into fantasy. Instead, you learn to use the three-second rule as a cognitive intervention. This is how you’d work it: “In the first second, I acknowledge an attractive person. In the following second, I admit I’m a sex addict and the other person’s body is none of my business. In the third second, I pray for the other person’s health and happiness. I also remind myself that person didn’t give me permission to sexualize his/her body.”

Another action strategy is to see your partner as the beautiful, powerful sexual being that he or she is. Remember, sex is no longer driven by your secret fantasy or genital focus, but by what’s happening between the two of you. It’s relational. Talk to your partner about what it’s like for you to regard him or her as a sexual being. Viewing yourself as a sexual being and allowing your partner to see you as such may require the second cornerstone of intimacy—that you comfort your anxieties so that you can grow sexually.

Be sure to sincerely compliment your partner before you sexualize him or her. You do this to emphasize you want him or her, not the person you just saw on the street. That way, sex becomes healthier as you bring to it a sense of play and joy. And to make it work, remember the small details. Notice and compliment your partner, and express your appreciation aloud on a regular basis.

On the other end, if you have trouble receiving compliments, ask yourself these questions and share your answers with your partner:

• Do you shy away and withdraw, feel shame, and rebuff your partner’s advance?

• Do you want to make your partner out to be lewd or inappropriate because he’s checking you out?

• Can you accept the compliment and respond in flirtatious ways?

• What does it feel like to be seen as a sexual being from the person you love? Can you revel and delight in that?

Implicit Versus Explicit Expression of Love

“When having lunch with your partner or seeing him pick up your child, do you notice his beautiful smile or expressive eyes? Do you catch a certain glimpse that reminds you why you really love him?” In therapy, when I ask this question of my clients, they often respond that they do catch such glimpses that spur their love. When I ask if they tell their partner, they typically say “no.”

I encourage people in recovery to use the implicit-explicit strategy, which means to say what’s on your mind in a clear and practical way—an absolute necessity in relationships. “Implicit” refers to holding your thoughts inside, which is appropriate if you’re considering your chess moves or have to keep a poker face to win a game of cards. To make your thoughts “explicit” in relationships means to start critical conversations and stay present with the process.

The key to being explicit is speaking the way you do with people in the program. You risk telling others that you care about them, that you appreciate their help, or that you’re upset with them. And you congratulate them when they reach benchmarks in their sobriety. Recovery teaches you that you deserve to feel good, proud, and valuable. Once you feel that internally, then you share it with others and gift them with your experience, strength, and hope.

Now it’s time to extend your generosity to your partner. Let her know how beautiful she is; tell him how grateful you are for what he did today; announce how proud you are for both of your accomplishments. Don’t be stingy. Sensuality desires and calls for a lavish abundance of words, thoughts, and feelings.

Raise the energy through a sense of play and by using the language of eroticism. Play with each other in loving, adoring, and respectful ways, but also raunchy ways. “Raunchy” means earthy, sexual, sensual, and explicit. Men are more likely to use raunchy language than women because it has an animalistic quality they find arousing. Remember, sexual language comes from the emotional centers of the brain and words can stimulate arousal. Usually, if women feel loved and respected, they won’t be offended by raunchy language. If they are, they’re wise to take the time to ask themselves why.

Intimacy Conversations Start with You

I suggest you start the intimacy conversation with yourself, then follow up with your partner. Intimate conversations with your partner move you into intimate sex, which can be playful, pleasurable, and deeply satisfying for both of you. This sort of intimacy rewards you with contentment and comfort; both of you feel safe within the love of your relationship. The next step, discussed in Chapter 8, is exploring erotic sex, bringing lust into love—a dynamic duo.

Typically, I hear men say, “I wish she was more wild and uninhibited” and women say, “I wish he was more relational.” Don’t despair. Both genders can look at any disowned part and start to change. The goal is to meet in the arena of eroticism, which is different from the arena of intimate love, but includes it. Being able to say to your wife, “You’ve got a great ass,” or “I think you’re hot,” is important in the language of eroticism. But men and women recovering from sex addiction understand that until they can repair the heart and the love damaged by their disconnection, they won’t talk in those ways or do those things.

If at any time the content of this material triggers you to want to replicate your sexually addictive behaviors—stop. Talk about it with your partner or someone in your program and work through what’s going on with you. Ask yourself what makes you feel vulnerable and how these feelings keep you from changing or taking risks. Nothing should give you license to act out within the confines of your relationship.

Jill and Roger’s Story

Unlike Doug and Samantha (from earlier in this chapter), Jill and Roger had several conversations about:

• Why they chose each other in the first place

• Why they were committing to each other again

• What would be different this time

• Their values and the purpose of their relationship

• Their vision for the future

Going through this process made them keenly aware of their differences, fears, and interests. Roger, an African American, was initially attracted to Jill, a Japanese American, because of her beauty and his fixation on Asian women, which she never knew. Although nervous to tell her, Roger admitted it was true. He explained how her slight frame and demure manner made him feel virile and masculine. Dominating her aroused him sexually.

Jill was able to hear his confession because she had become differentiated through her own recovery process. She better trusted herself, knew what was true for her, and saw Roger change over the past year. She also trusted that through their recovery, they had built a strong emotional and relational connection.

Jill admitted that she loved feeling protected by Roger and was aroused by his skin color and masculinity. They had never talked about these characteristics during their courtship, but had played them out implicitly in their marriage.

However, the problem was that Roger devalued Jill and lied to her while in his addiction. He didn’t understand his attraction to her and felt shame for wanting dominant sex with her. His solution was to avoid sex with her altogether and visit Asian prostitutes, which made Jill feel powerless, unsafe, and unattractive.

When they could admit the truth to each other and build intimacy, they were able to bring all their desires into their sex life. Jill embraced her physical attributes and felt sexually alive again. She also knew he was extremely turned on by her, so she didn’t hold back her sexuality. Roger, on the other hand, no longer felt shame about his attraction to Jill’s body shape and size. He knew he honestly loved her and felt more entitled to his desire while knowing Jill wanted a future with him.

Repairing the Heart

Repairing your sex life after the ravages of sex addiction is not for the weak of heart. Therefore, what’s your first task? To repair your heart. This is necessary, because partners often compare themselves to the people the sex addict acted out with. Addicts are often terrified to become sexually vulnerable, sometimes wanting to avoid sex altogether. But understand that the process of moving from healthy sex to intimate sex to erotic sex doesn’t necessarily happen in perfect order. Sometimes one or both partners hit a wall when it comes to a deeper, more erotic exploration of their sexuality, as the case study with Sondra and James shows.

Sondra and James’s Story

Keeping the Four Cornerstones of Intimacy in mind, Sondra and James dared to take on the challenges of their sex life and do it imperfectly. James, however, ran up against a wall. In the meantime, Sondra was bothered about the kind of sex they were having. Although she felt it was connected, loving, and functional, she missed the hot sex they’d enjoyed when they’d first met five years earlier. Besides, she didn’t know that during their marriage, James had been hiring prostitutes on business trips as a matter of course.

Before learning about James’s sex addiction, Sondra had been sexually adventurous and free. She didn’t have sexual hang-ups about her body and loved giving and receiving pleasure. But finding out about James’s sex addiction deeply affected her. She became enraged and left him, threatening divorce. This rocked James to his core, believing he’d lost the one thing that mattered most to him in the world—his marriage to Sondra. Three years into their recovery, they repaired their relationship, but it took a long time before James believed she wouldn’t leave again.

Sondra finally recommitted to her marriage, but she felt inhibited and scared, concerned that their sex life would be boring. She wanted more aggressive, erotic sex, but didn’t want to trigger James’s acting out with another woman. She worried that she would never measure up to his ideas of “sexy” or be able to compete with the prostitutes.

In therapy, James listened to Sondra with an open mind and heart, being adult like without collapsing into shame. He validated her desire to move into what Sondra called “X-rated sex” with him but said he wasn’t quite ready to do that. James spoke truthfully when he confessed that the sex during his addiction was not glamorous, and he wouldn’t return to it. He cherished the loving, connected sex they were having now and felt present with her.

Both acknowledged they were afraid to face their limitations. Sondra had to believe that she was sexy and desirable even though she wanted healthy approval from James. He had to risk stepping into uncomfortable arenas, trusting it wouldn’t lead him to act out again.

The Brain: The Biggest Sex Organ

Men appear to be more sexually stimulated through visual means. Typically, males respond genitally to specific sexual stimuli that appeals to them. This usually means that sexual arousal is dependent on visuals that correspond to their sexual orientation and sexual preferences.³

For women, sexual arousal appears to be different than for men. Women are more likely to be genitally aroused by less specific sexual stimuli.⁴ And when it comes to orgasm, Beverly Whipple, coauthor of The Science of Orgasm, researched how the brain produces orgasms and which biological processes are involved. Her book brings us up to date from what seems like the ancient definition of orgasm focused in the genitals. Today we know that orgasm for women can be clitoral, vaginal, or blended, and that orgasms with-out touch can happen through imagery and fantasy, verifying that orgasm happens mostly in the brain, not the body.

In addition, Whipple and her coauthors reviewed and validated the research concerning the location and purpose of the G-spot in women. They further concluded that pressure on the G-spot reduced pain during intercourse. Her groundbreaking work also revealed that women with spinal cord injuries can have orgasm.⁵ Clearly, understanding genital arousal for men and women, and the process of orgasm for women, can help couples talk more knowledgeably and freely about how they both enjoy being stimulated, aroused, touched, and talked to.

If you haven’t shared all of your sexual desires by now, take this time to stop and reveal yourself to your partner. What have you been afraid to share with him or her? Define those things and express them. Also express the erotic activities you’d like to engage in with your partner and have your partner do the same. Talk about them and prioritize doing them. You may be happily surprised to find that you share mutual desires. Sharing an open line of communication enhances your sexual relationship better than any other factor. Remember, sexually explicit conversation about what turns you on is a key to your intimacy in coupleship.

Erotic Intelligence Checklist for Chapter 7

Creating vision statements for yourself and with your partner for your coupleship and your shared sex life helps you evaluate whether or not you’re successful in achieving your goals and keeping your commitments.

Lust is a healthy response when two people feel loved, respected, and connected to each other.

Understanding the physical and mental processes of arousal in both sexes can facilitate the all-important conversations that lead to greater fulfillment.