CHAPTER
10

Role-Playing and
Sexual Fantasy

Sexual fantasies may call forth new life
in the guise of new sexual experiences, and
so the motive for repressing these fantasies may
not be as much moral sensitivity as fear
of life’s irrepressible abundance.

—Thomas Moore (1940–)

Erotica happens when you’ve self-differentiated, you’re allowing your heart and soul to be your guides, and you and your partner resonate as one. At this stage, role-playing can be delightful when the use of fantasy includes each other. Fantasy is healthy, especially now that you and your partner have learned to trust yourselves and each other. Remember, healthy sex means fantasy does not involve shame, abuse to yourself or your partner, avoidance of feelings, or emotional disconnection from your partner. While fantasy in sex addiction is often used to deny and avoid past trauma, healthy fantasy can serve to more deeply connect you and your partner.

Because sexuality is so complex, this is not a one-size-fits-all proposition and may not work for all recovering couples. If your forays into healthy fantasy with your partner has you dissociating or drifting into the euphoric recall of past sexual experiences, consider that this activity may not right for you. Stop. Return to Chapter 9 and stay with a more directly connected, sensual approach to your sexuality. Take your concerns into your therapy sessions.

Try on New Sexual Roles

Trying new sexual roles in relational sexual activities is not for everyone. If you try it and discover it has value for you and your partner, then get clear about what makes you feel sexy and desirable and let your partner know. This goes well beyond pillow talk!

If dressing up sexually is fun for you, do it! Some people like to be looked at in sexual ways taking on various roles, finding this form of sex play highly erotic. Have a conversation with your partner about what makes each of you nervous or excited in this arena.

For example, some addicts who were once part of a “leather scene,” and who wish to restore their sexuality after a compulsive lifestyle, may still find themselves turned on by leather. If that applies to you, how do you engage your fetish with leather without exploiting yourself or your partner? Can you do it in private with your partner and not in the exhibitionist way you may have done it in the past? As always, your goal is to hold on to the loving connection between you and your partner.

Some women like to wear lacy lingerie, jewelry, provocative clothing, and other baubles or use heavier makeup than they do during their workday. It’s because dressing up makes them feel sexual and alive. It turns them on to enjoy hot sex, not solely to generate a sense of power and control over their partners.

Do you enjoy elaborate costumes or rituals that involve the enticing anticipation of undressing? Or do you tend to play dominant or submissive roles while having sex? If so, make sure you are far enough along in your recovery to do this with respect.

Shawn and Jennifer’s Story

When Shawn and Jennifer (Chapter 9) first met, they had instant chemistry between them; he liked being sexually dominant and she liked being sexually submissive. In his addiction, Shawn would act out the role of the dominant male in a way that made him feel powerful both with other women and with Jennifer. He would also act out his unconscious rage at women, ordering Jennifer around during sex in denigrating ways. Although she found this kind of sex physically arousing, it also left her feeling lonely and bad about herself.

After Shawn admitted he had a problem with addiction, they both went into recovery. Their sexual healing included Jennifer becoming more her own person. Shawn dealt with his discomfort around giving up control, receiving pleasure, and being overtly loving. Once they put all the pieces together and became more integrated both individually and as a couple, they discovered they still liked their respective roles of domination and submission. What was the difference? Their sex was more relational—that is, Shawn and Jennifer were more present, honest, and alive with themselves and each other.

Sex can be dominant or submissive depending on what you are thinking during the sexual act itself. When giving oral sex, are you imagining yourself as being in control, “taking” your partner, or are you feeling submissive as if you are in “service” of your partner? These rhythms shift and change in sex, and when you are honest about them, you amplify your eroticism.

In Shawn and Jennifer’s case, they began to allow for the organic shifts of domination and submission to happen but were able to stay connected with each other, making eye contact and saying “I love you” during the sexual act. Their “roles” were now more congruent with who they were individually and who they agreed they wanted to be as a couple. This subtle but important shift contrasted with their pre-recovery sex, which was more like two actors playing out their parts while disconnected and dissociated.

Jada and Rick’s Story

Jada and Rick loved the heat of prolonging their sexual experiences whenever they could, but with three children and two busy careers, they barely had time for sex. On the occasions when Jada’s sister took the kids for the evening, Rick and Jada turned their rare Saturday night dates into long lovemaking sessions. This luxury of time gave them the opportunity to slow down and luxuriate in each other.

Date nights sometimes started with dressing up, dining at a fine restaurant, lingering over dessert, and returning home for sumptuous sex. They set a mood of romantic mystique that began with a ritual of undressing each other, watching and slowly kissing and touching all the while. Rick, a music collector, compiled a CD of music with Brazilian rhythms that Jada danced to, while she tended to the details of fresh flowers, aromatherapy scents, and lighting. Then they brought out their sensual toys—feathers, silk scarves, and other objects they had previously agreed to use to be titillating.

Jada knew from their values list that a sense of adventure and novelty aroused Rick. She so delighted in her new sexuality, she felt restored after the destructive effects of Rick’s sexual acting out had healed. Four years into recovery, she felt secure with herself and within their coupleship. Rick no longer needed contrived danger for intensity, such as seeking out dangerous sexual escapades via hookups on the Internet with strange women and sometimes men. He now found the qualities of adventure and novelty through his renewed relationship with Jada. Through his recovery and the work he and Jada have done together, he has healed a lot of his childhood trauma. More than that, he values himself and his sexuality and experiences Jada as new and exciting. Jada took risks to show and tell Rick who she was sexually. Together, they continue to be sexually adventurous and enjoy talking about what they discover.

Sensual toys, not necessarily sex toys, and sensual activities are fine if they’re appropriate for you and your partner. Try using “toys” like feathers, silky fabrics, dusting powders, or washable body paints. Take hot baths together before or after you make love. Use your imagination to fantasize, but always clarify your boundaries. Pay attention to your partner’s sexual and sensual cues. Be willing to say “yes” to invitations for intimacy or sex, but also don’t be afraid to say or hear “no.”

Play with Sexual Fantasy

Earlier, you reviewed the meaning of acting out your sexual fantasies in an attempt to examine what qualities or values you were seeking. In adult sexuality, you pay attention to your current fantasies, discuss them with your partner, and listen to his or hers without reaction or judgment. In a healthy relationship, your sexual fantasies keep desire alive as part of your endless search for understanding what sex means to you.

But be sure to monitor your fantasies. Everyone’s mind wanders during sex. Accept this fact! The real question is where does your mind wander? Are you in euphoric recall of past sexual acting-out experiences? Do you harbor fantasies of a future experience with someone you wouldn’t tell your partner about? If so, you’re most likely in your addictive mind. Stop when those kinds of fantasies arise during sex with your partner. Collect yourself by breathing, looking deeply at your partner, and talking to him or her. Let your partner know you were drifting away, and then shift to staying connected. If this continues, creating fantasies may not be for you. Return to the erotic, sensual sex discussed in Chapter 9.

On the other hand, are you thinking about the kids or worried about work? Are you wondering when sex will be over? This kind of thinking also means you’re not present with your partner. Both acting-out fantasies and mental wanderings are escapes from emotional connection with your partner.

Consider this alternative: Include your partner in your sexual fantasy. If you’re fantasizing a scene that arouses you, share it with your partner. Telling your partner doesn’t hurt him or her or exact revenge. The point is to have an honest conversation, without shame, about what’s hot for you. People struggle with this difficult conversation because they’re afraid their partner will become angry. And sometimes partners do get upset.

If you’re on the receiving end in this situation, it may mean you’re still relying on your partner to validate your worthiness and lovability, and you’ll probably get angry. However, if you’ve done the work explained in this book, you’ve become more differentiated, so you won’t collapse into shame or react to what your partner is saying. In fact, you won’t be surprised to hear your partner say that images of other people are arousing because you’ll probably admit the same is true for you. The kind of risk taking that involves telling your truth directly will heat up your sex life.

Jeanine and Art’s Story

As a partner of a sex addict in recovery, Jeanine herself was in recovery and working on her own sexuality. As a young woman, she’d been repressed by a strict religious upbringing. Consequently, Jeanine never experienced varied sexual experimentation in her teens or twenties. She met Art when she was thirty, fell in love, and enjoyed the sex they had with each other without knowing why or what her sexual preferences were. Slowly her sexual desire dwindled without her understanding why. After they married, Art went back to his sex addiction. He was wounded by her disinterest and used it to justify having sex outside their marriage. But by going for sexual massages, he was living a double life. Between her low sexual desire and raising their two children, Jeanine still didn’t pay much attention to her impoverished sex life with Art.

At forty-two, Jeanine and Art had been in recovery for three years when she realized—and admitted to herself—that the idea of Art watching her have sex with another woman turned her on. Jeanine didn’t come to this realization overnight. She’d spent a lot of time in her personal therapy talking about her family issues and why she’d been so shut down sexually as a young woman. As she felt less shame about being a sexual being and got more in touch with her own sexual urges, Jeanine let herself fantasize about many sexual possibilities. Although she had never been with a woman and felt sure she never wanted to, the idea of it aroused her. She wanted to incorporate the fantasy into her sex life with Art, but first, she had to tell him without shame overtaking her.

Remembering that anxiety is a natural part of any new activity, she took a deep breath and told him directly. Art was uncomfortable hearing this from Jeanine, of all people, and he was confused about where it fit with his recovery. However, when he focused on Jeanine, this activity no longer triggered him. In fact, he felt delighted seeing her as a sexual being.

In bed one day, Jeanine took another risk and decided to tell Art she would like to create a fantasy with him, saying, “I was having lunch yesterday with a redheaded woman from my office. I saw you pass by on the other side of the street and noticed you looking at us.”

Art picked up the story and said, “Yes, I saw you watching me notice the two of you.”

Jeanine continued, “I pretended to drop my napkin on the ground, and when I reached down to pick it up, I brushed my hand along her calf as if it were an accident.”

“I saw the woman blush and flinch as you touched her and wondered what you would do next. I was surprised!” Art added.

“She seemed flirtatious with me, so I kissed her cheek, all the while watching you, Art.”

By then, their imaginations were off and running!

Remember that fantasy is just that. Not surprisingly, the most frequent erotic fantasy people report involves a different partner, and their fantasies are usually out of the realm of the reality of their sex lives.¹ Often people have sexual fantasies they would never act out. You’ll tap into fantasies that include your partner and others you invent together to increase your erotic styles.

Jeanine and Art exemplify the point that it’s important for you and your partner to build your sexual fantasies together, making them about and with each other. As a result, you’ll have no secrets, shame, or abuse.

At the Threshold

When you’re fully naked and vulnerable, sexual potential comes from surrendering—that is, from not trying. The moves and manipulations you turned to as a sex addict are no longer in play. You’re willing to give up control, be in a state of not knowing, and make a space for your eroticism to emerge.

You value your partner as a novel and separate individual. You’re as much concerned with your partner’s sexual satisfaction as you are with your own. Each of you honors the other’s erotic expression and, together, your unique erotic dance unfolds. Two dissolve into one, and a third energy of coupleship is birthed in a new way. You are no longer masculine or feminine in this dance; you meld into one entity and touch the silence of the universe.

Patricia and Gary’s Story

Two years into their recovery, Patricia and Gary have come a long way. In their late fifties, they’ve noticed that their biological sex drives aren’t what they used to be. However, they have the maturity not to worry about this. Sometimes one of them is aroused and the other isn’t, but that doesn’t stop them from being sexual with each other. The good will is strong between them.

Patricia and Gary used the Four Cornerstones of Intimacy—self-knowledge, comfort and connection, responsibility with discernment, and empathy with emotion—to negotiate this level of trust. Over the years, they devoted themselves to only having sex when they knew they were present and available to themselves and one another. They took responsibility for talking about who they were and what they wanted sexually, which created a deeper level of intimacy between them. They then put their desires into action. As time went on, they took greater sexual risks with each other and found themselves falling more deeply in love. Patricia began to trust in Gary’s honesty for the first time.

Today, if Gary slides up to Patricia while she’s sleeping, she may offer her body as an act of friendly love. Sometimes she stays in a half-awake state that requires no effort on her part, focuses on the sensations in her body, feels her love for Gary, and languishes in being taken. Other times she wakes up and faces Gary directly, connecting and giving him the full force of her eyes, love, and passion. Both of them find these surprise encounters erotic.

They feel connected because they’ve done their work. Without it, this same encounter could be dissociative, mechanical, or only serving one of the parties. Yet for Gary and Patricia, it allows them to keep their emotional connection with each other strong.

Ally and Dan’s Story

At the other end of the spectrum, erotic, joyous sex can be wildly carnal and grow from genital lust, as Ally and Dan experienced. Like Patricia and Gary, Ally and Dan had struggled through recovery and done their homework. They agreed that they felt connected and more in love with each other today then they could have imagined possible.

One afternoon, while Dan was on top, propped up on his hands, thrusting, Ally focused on breathing deeply into her abdomen and pelvis, delighting in watching Dan watch her masturbate herself. Her orgasm was so intense that she was convulsing in laughter. She laughed so hard that she was gasping for air and crying. Dan wasn’t sure exactly what had happened, but he fell onto her and joined her in a contagious laughter. When Ally was calmer, she explained to Dan that her orgasm had been so pleasurable, she could hardly stand it.

Larry’s Story

Erotic sex can transform trauma into healing, as in Larry’s case. Throughout his childhood, Larry’s mother gave him enemas for every minor ailment he had. As a married heterosexual adult with children, he repeated his trauma by seeking anonymous homosexual experiences that included anal penetration. After sufficiently healing his childhood trauma in the growth stage of his recovery, he admitted to himself that he still found anal stimulation arousing.

Through therapy, Larry accepted this as part of who he was and what he liked sexually without feeling ashamed. Only then could he ask his wife if she would participate in anal stimulation. He had to think about the third cornerstone—responsibility with discernment— meaning he had to take responsibility for his sexual preference even though he knew it might set up a triggering event for his wife. As a result, he and his wife had erotic, nonshaming sex that included anal stimulation for him.

Although he was afraid of being rejected, Larry asked his wife to do something that he had only asked strangers or prostitutes to do in the past. He knew that if he didn’t ask her, he would fantasize about someone else doing it for him. His big fear was asking her for anal stimulation with her fingers while he penetrated her, but was surprised and pleased to learn his request aroused her. By using the second cornerstone—comfort and connection—his wife was able to comfort her anxieties, listen to her partner, and challenge herself to grow sexually. She was happy to give to him in this way.

Madeline and Jim’s Story

Madeline and Jim are a good example of sex being a powerful healing energy experience. When she was a young girl, Madeline’s neighbor had molested her repeatedly. He also sodomized and threatened her. He would cry to make her feel guilty if she reported him, so she endured the molestation instead of reporting it to an adult.

As a teenager, Madeline drank lots of alcohol to dull the pain this created and became an alcoholic. By young adulthood, she was engaging in multiple sexual experiences, repeating her trauma in sexually addictive ways with one abusive man after another. Finally, she got into Alcoholics Anonymous and a few years later, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. After a long journey of 12-step recovery and intensive therapy, Madeline was finally ready for a relationship, and Jim entered her life.

Jim was a smart, upstanding guy who’d been through his share of dysfunctional relationships. When he met Madeline, this bright, intelligent woman excited him. They dated for one year and started talking about their plans for marriage and a family. Jim was hesistant to move forward because he believed Madeline’s molestation history was impeding their sexual relationship. He had grown watchful about how to be with her, constantly taking her emotional temperature to see if she was okay.

To her credit, Madeline told him to be more assertive and ask for what he wanted sexually. Jim agreed to stop caretaking and admitted that tracking her moods made him feel responsible for her well-being. He was happy to hear her speak her truth, which allowed him to feel freer. Jim’s challenge was to take responsibility for himself and what he wanted sexually.

At this juncture, their therapy focused on how sex could be a healing experience for Madeline. The closer she grew to Jim, the more resistant to being sexual she became, and she worried about shutting down. Her next assignment? To pay full, honest attention to her energy emotionally and physically during sex.

Eventually, Madeline was willing to address her anger at her molester in therapy. Because her repressed feelings were affecting her sex life with Jim, the two of them had to decide how to deal with her healing within this context. We discussed how she and Jim could pace themselves during sex by slowing down, allowing Madeline to stay connected to her bodily sensations. She talked with him during sex and maintained eye contact. He was committed to stopping if he became aware she was drifting away from the present moment.

The tension between them lessened over time. They continued to stay in conversation and stopped worrying about what the other was thinking and experiencing. As old feelings arose, Madeline had bouts of depression and reported feeling sick. When she cried during sex, Jim held her through the tears, allowing her to release the little girl’s pent-up rage. Both of them felt their hearts blast open in closeness. They finally accepted that the crying was the sex they craved. They didn’t need to go any further at that point because her crying elicited a depth between them.

The stage was set for Madeline and Jim to move into and beyond the darkness of her past. Madeline admitted to being afraid of going there and of what she might say to Jim. Could he hear the horrible things she never got to say as a child? Jim reminded her that, yes, he did want to be a part of her healing process. After they talked through a few incidents, the healing continued, and they had an erotic, loving, sexual experience afterward.

Once it arrives, erotic sex cannot be chased or grasped at, for it shows itself when you’re not looking. It can be quite ordinary as part of commonplace lovemaking or it can be raw and extraordinary. You’ll know!

Ultimately, I believe we heal our sexuality with and through one another. No therapist can take you to the depths of your sexual soul like your lover can.

When you’re brave enough to surrender and take responsibility for joining with your partner, you experience a depth of connection that far surpasses the chemical rush of any sexually addictive exploit. Erotic sex makes sex addiction look like child’s play because it requires the maturity and responsibility for oneself and mutual caring for each other that only an adult can muster. Role-playing and fantasy have their place in healthy sex.

From erotic sex, you begin to invite spiritual energies by virtue of the connection you’ve made with your truth and with each other. You slowly strip away your judgments, then your clothing, and finally your pride. You remove the illusion of who you think you are, take off the mask of the false and social self, surrender the need to look good, and drop your ego and your ideas of what is proper. Shame is banished from the scene and deep love takes its place.

Erotic Intelligence Checklist for Chapter 10

Fantasy is healthy, especially now that you’ve both learned to trust yourselves and each other.

In adult sexuality, pay attention to your current fantasies and discuss them with your partner, listening to his or hers without reaction or judgment. Monitor your fantasies for euphoric recall and disconnection. Be sure to return to the moment and your deep connection with your partner.

Erotic sex requires the maturity and responsibility for oneself and mutual caring for each other that only adults can muster.