For one human being to love another;
that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks,
the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work
for which all other work is but preparation.
—Rainer Maria Rilke (1875–1926)
In active addiction, sex addicts are in relationship with sex, not with people. Recovery involves creating a relationship with yourself first and foremost, then with others, and finally with one significant other.
As human beings, we naturally seek attachment in order to grow, learn, and experience life. Without this kind of contact with others, we live in isolation, and eventually our brains, bodies, and souls wither and die. Our sexuality is a vital energy that’s part of this alive state in our bodies. Sexually expressing that state is the ultimate representation of our love for ourselves and for another. However, when they’re abused, sex and sexual energy can become weapons to be used against ourselves and others. As a culture, when our shame has us distorting the good and the beautiful in sex, it’s no wonder that violence in pornography increases constantly.
Healing our sexuality means we heal the core of who we are individually and collectively. Why? So we can forgive ourselves and others who may have hurt us. The “preparation” referred to in the Rilke quotation above includes the work it takes to get clarity about where we’ve come from, who we are, and what we want in our lives. Once that process is under way, only then can we join with another person who will enrich our personal growth and development.
Now is the time to risk exploring, knowing, and revealing yourself as a sexual being to another person—especially to your partner. Once you take the leap to finally lay bare and heal your sexuality, you’re on the road to change. As Mohandas Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
Above all, consider this: The greatest gift we can give ourselves, our children, and our world is to live well and love well.
May you love well!