Without thinking too deeply about what he was doing, Josh knocked loudly on Lexie’s front door. He waited, counting to ten while holding his breath in an attempt to calm his pounding heart.
There was no answer, but he knew she was in there. And he would wait all night if he had to.
After leaving the Clovelly Hotel, Josh had insisted, much to his mate’s displeasure, that Troy drop him home. Josh had immediately driven back to Clovelly, luckily found a parking spot near Lexie’s flat, and telling himself this was not stalking, sat and contemplated his next move.
He thought about calling her. But he was pretty certain she would hang up on him. Besides, he needed to speak to her in person. Josh had still been trying to figure out what to do next when he’d seen Lexie rush past his car.
She hadn’t seen him; it was dark and she had been in too much of a hurry to notice anyone. Relieved to see Lexie was alone, Josh had scanned the street for any sign of Batman. He was nowhere to be seen. He was in luck.
Watching Lexie’s sleek silhouette vanish into the building, Josh had given her ten minutes to catch her breath. So now, here he was, standing outside her door. There was no response. She had to be in there. He knocked again.
Nothing. The place was as silent as a tomb.
‘I know you’re in there, Lex.’
Please open the door.
‘I’m not leaving until you open the door.’
He banged again, louder this time.
Josh heard a click, then a creaky old hinge screamed as a door opened.
‘Shut up or I’ll call the blooming cops,’ the cranky old man who lived down below yelled up the stairs.
Josh ignored him.
‘I’m not leaving, Lexie.’
He concentrated on keeping his voice clear, his words succinct. He didn’t want her to think he was drunk.
‘We need to talk. I’m not leaving. I saw you come in. I know you’re there.’
There was still no reply.
Josh raised his arm, was about to bash on the door once again when, without warning, it flew open. Surprised and off balance he stumbled forward under the weight of his own momentum. Lexie stepped back and watched him do a little dance before regaining his footing.
‘Are you drunk?’
Lexie wasted no time in making the accusation.
Josh shook his head as he looked at her. He noted Lexie’s stance was stiff, hostile. Her arms were folded across her chest, her face was rigid, her expression cold.
‘Why are you here, Josh? How much have you had to drink?’
‘I’m not even close to being drunk. I’ve had two beers, Lexie. I left the pub after I saw you.’
Her face remained a mask of contempt. However, she couldn’t hide the despair he saw reflected in her beautiful brown eyes. Lexie’s anguish cut him to the core. It also gave him the faintest glimmer of hope.
Was it possible she still cared?
Josh took in her appearance. It looked as if Lexie had stepped straight out of the shower, as she was wearing a full length, fluffy white bathrobe. Her hair was pulled off her face, tied in a messy bun on top of her head. Some damp strands framed her makeup-free face. She looked fresh, natural, and more beautiful to him than ever.
Lexie’s demeanour didn’t falter as she asked again, ‘What do you want, Josh?’
Now he was here, standing before her, it seemed, yet again, he had lost the power of speech. As usual, his ineptitude to find the right words when needed was at its dismal best. He’d had a whole month to figure out what to say when he saw her again, yet, true to form, he was still at a loss. Josh had never been one of those people who knew instinctively what to say in any given situation; to lend sympathy, encouragement or exhibit emotions when required. He cursed his own inadequacy.
Stop thinking and speak, you idiot.
‘Can we talk?’
Lexie kicked the door. It slammed shut behind her. Josh took that as a good sign. Without moving from her post beside the door, Lexie stared at him, waiting.
‘I’m sorry, Lex. I stuffed up big time. What else can I say?’
Lexie huffed, drilled her gaze into his.
‘Is that it? You can’t do better than that?’
Just tell her . . . don’t stuff this up as well.
Revealing his emotions left Josh feeling vulnerable, exposed. But if there was any hope of salvaging this relationship he would have to spill his guts here and now.
‘I know I didn’t handle Jenna’s death well. I know I became cold and removed. I was numb.’
They had been together for six months when Jenna had died so suddenly. It had sent Josh into a tailspin of grief and despair. Almost instantly, the closeness they had once shared was cut off at his end. Pain and remorse took over his entire being. Like a toxic poison infecting his insides, it left him unable to feel any other kind of human emotion except anger and self-reproach.
Lexie had done everything right. She had tried to comfort him, support him. He had frozen her out, pushed her away. He was his own worst enemy.
‘You rang me from the airport, Josh . . . how do you think that made me feel? I knew what you were going through as much as anyone can. I’ve lost my brother, too, you know.’
Her anger was palpable.
‘I did everything I could to help you. I would have stood by you and supported you through everything, anything, but you just left me.’
Her eyes widened and then narrowed.
‘You left me.’
God, how could he have been so selfish, so stupid? Regret tore at Josh’s gut.
He knew Lexie had trust and abandonment issues. Her ex-husband had cheated on her. Her brother was gone. Of course being killed was no fault of his own, but the result was the same – Josh knew Lexie had felt painfully alone. He felt his chest constrict as he gazed at her beautiful face set in a cloak of determined despondency. Josh wondered if there was any way he would be able to penetrate the invisible wall she had constructed around herself.
‘Can we sit?’ Josh asked.
Lexie wordlessly gestured towards the lounge that sat in the middle of the living area. She waited for him to take a seat before positioning herself on the lounge opposite. Sitting stiffly, on the edge of her seat she watched him, still waiting.
A few heartbeats passed before Josh finally found his voice. He took a deep breath.
‘I’ll never do it again, Lexie. I promise. I’ve done the wrong thing. I handled things badly.’
He moved forward so as not to be sucked into the spongy comfort of the lounge.
‘Dad and I had the biggest fight we’ve ever had just after Jenna died. He told me I was useless, that it was my fault Jenna had killed herself, that I should have been looking out for her. He said what was the use of being a cop when I couldn’t protect my own sister? He told me I was a pathetic excuse of a man. I guess for a while there I believed him.’
Josh locked his eyes on hers and didn’t break the contact. Neither did Lexie.
‘But your father has dementia, Josh.’
‘That’s right. So he has no filter. At least I know exactly how he feels now.’
Lexie stared down at her hands and said nothing. What could she say?
Tell her . . .
Josh paused, took another deep breath, and then blew all the air out of his lungs in a long heavy sigh.
‘You see, my guilt was not just all about Jenna dying. It had a lot to do with my resentment towards her being Dad’s favourite. I could never get my father’s approval, no matter what I did, whereas Jenna just had to exist to get it.’
‘That’s understandable, Josh,’ Lexie said softly, as if it was an effort to say anything at all. ‘No one likes to think they’re second-best.’
Josh watched Lexie’s face, wondering if there was hidden meaning in her words, but he didn’t pick up any undercurrent of innuendo. Josh dropped his head towards the floor and shook it in disgust.
‘I know it’s taken me a while to realise that I was wrong. I’m embarrassed that I acted so cowardly. I know my actions hurt you and that was one thing I never wanted to do. I just . . . I don’t know what I was thinking; if I was thinking at all.’
It seemed now he had opened his mouth he couldn’t stop.
‘If I could take everything back I would, but I can’t. I can only try to make it up to you.’
Lexie was still staring at him, resentment etched into every corner of her face. She said nothing, so he continued. There was nothing else he could do.
‘Please tell me you still feel something for me? I don’t know what I’ll do if you really hate me that much.’
Tell her . . .
Josh thought he saw her face soften, and with that tiny hint of hope, the words were out of his mouth with no effort or reluctance whatsoever.
‘I love you, Lexie.’
He watched her big brown eyes widen. Her head tilted to one side, as if trying to decipher whether she had heard him properly. Then, the arms that had been folded across her body like a shield fell limply beside her.
‘You know how hard those words are for me to say. In fact I’ve never said them before. Ever! But I love you more than anything in the world and even if you can never forgive me, you need to know that.’
Lexie was still staring at him but there was no reaction. Josh’s heart sank down to his toes. Maybe he had done so much damage she couldn’t, or wouldn’t, allow herself to trust him again. Or had she lost her heart to Batman in such a short space of time? No, he couldn’t consider entertaining that possibility.
Right now he had done all he could do. Josh had laid his heart on the line and he could only hope that, in time, it might make a difference.